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I didn't get a chance to talk to him in person about it(if you have no idea what I'm talking about, read the other topic of mine.), since there were *tons* of people around, and seriously, neither of us like the topic of our non-relationship being brought up.
So last night I planned out exactly what I was going to say. And called him. (His dad picked up his cell phone since he was wandering around his room. Oh goodness, that threw me off. >_>;; )
I had to say it all twice. gonk 'Cause his dad was wandering around the room and talking and he couldn't hear me. >_< THAT was incredibly uncomfortable x2 for me...
So I told him.
I told him that I was confused. I told him that, when he said it, I went into a panic, because that's one of the thoughts I try to avoid the most. I told him that, yeah, I like him a *lot*, but ever since I started to like him I knew, on some level, that it nothing was going to change. I'd accepted that a long time ago. At that point I didn't expect to like him this much for this long, because it just gets stronger as time goes on, but I still knew nothing had changed. I told him that he was important to me; I'd die for him; heck, I'd live for him, because to me that is a much, much bigger challenge. I told him that there was no way I was willing to lose him, especially over something like this that I should be able to prevent on my own. I told him that I'd understood the whole conversation up until he said that, and at that point I was just completely thrown off, and that it took all I had not to panic over the phone. Thoughts about us, as more than just friends, are one of the things I try my very hardest not to think of, especially around him. I hate mentioning them. But if I didn't ask, it would keep bothering me, so I'd trade short-term discomfort for long-term peace.
I still didn't get a straight answer.
He pretty much told me what I already knew he was going to say.
"Olivia... You know me. I don't say things that aren't true, and that... I wouldn't have said that if it wasn't true. Please, you need to take whatever romantic feelings you have towards me and let go of them. As soon as you can."
"...I don't think I can do that."
"Yeah. I know. And I know that, to do that, you'd probably have to distance yourself from me a lot. And I know--"
"I'm absolutely not willing to do that. I can't do that. I don't want to lose you!"
"I know."
Then I made sure he knew that, whenever I tell him that I love him, I'm speaking as a friend. Because, really, I'm sixteen. I haven't a clue what real love is, and I'm not willing to label this as love, especially when it isn't returned.
Then we talked normally. We laughed over silly things until his brother was pacing outside his door, probably wanting Thomas to shut up and go to sleep. So we whispered goodnight and hung up.
I stood up, changed into my pajamas, brushed my teeth, washed my face, layed down, grabbed a stuffed animal, and started sobbing for literally hours.
It hurt. It really shouldn't hurt that much. I knew it was coming. I knew he'd stand by what he said. He's that kind of guy, and I really admire him for it. I knew that he was going to say that, and yet it hurt more than all the hours I'd spent trying to get over him, all the time I'd spent telling myself that I might as well get over it since nothing would change, all the times I'd cried over him before, more than the time I'd told himI liked him, smiled, and walked away just to start crying on Morgan's shoulder once he couldn't see me anymore. It hurt so much more, and I'm really wondering if it was worth it to ask him last night after all. All that other stuff that'd happened, I'd never labeled it as "heartbreak." Because all those times I was telling myself it was just a crush. By now I know it's more than that, but I'm not calling it love. But it's more than a simple crush, and for whatever reason, it hurt.
Then I realized he hadn't actually given me an answer. Why? Why did he say that, and why did he think that? THAT is what I had asked, and he avoided it. I don't know if I can ask him again, but I do feel like I deserve an answer.
I don't give a ******** if we aren't in a relationship --or can't be, according to him--, but I need to know why.
This somewhat turned into a rant. I'm sorry.
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