Need help for story

[XI S i l v e r IX]

Well, I've been writing a story and, even though I refuse to talk much about it, I've come to halt on wondering which one sounds better as a beginning sentence for this particular story in mind.

Here are the one's I've come down to believe are the most important.

1)
It was a dark and starry night when the boy was born.

or

2)
It was a starry night when the boy was born.

Which one sounds better to you?

Thank you for your time.  

[Tyger Burning Bright]

The second one. The first sounds too much liked the cliched, "It was a dark and stormy night..."  

[Stelle Cadenti]

I completely agree with Artemisia, after reading the first I expect to read something more about a somber privite investigator trying to solve a murder mystery surrounding the boy. A bit too filme noir.  

[Fujiwara Kazunari]

Yup, number 2 is the better. And I mean...

'It was a dark and starry night'.


How does that even make sense? o_O  

[Evermore Reality]

Quite honsetly, I don't particularly care for either of them, but if you must use one, use the second.

Also, when you're writing, try not to use "be" verbs. (i.e. was, is , are, were, has, have...) It detracts from your writing and makes your sentences weak. They can be poweful tools if used rarely, but usually they only diminish your point and that's what I'm feeling here. Verbs should almost always do something, not tell about something.

For example: "The stars (verb here: glittered, shone, radiated, ect.) in the sky on the night they boy took his first breath." (too flowery, I know, but nonetheless.)

Of course, you by no means have to take my suggestions, but I hope I helped even slightly.  

[Writer Selbe]

I agree that number two sounds the best of all of the two examples. However, I think if we had more options it would be easier to find something that sounded less cliche.

P.S. A character in my novel is named Artemisia.  

[Lady Pica]

Agreed, two. One just makes me stop and think 'Who can see stars when it's bright out?"  

[Stoobs is back]

Stelle Cadenti

I completely agree with Artemisia, after reading the first I expect to read something more about a somber privite investigator trying to solve a murder mystery surrounding the boy. A bit too filme noir.

Something wrong with private investigators and murder mysteries? sweatdrop