I Won't Give You My Son

[Wolfen Princess]

I Won't Give You My Son

I won’t give you my son
To fight in your war
Because if he leaves me
He’ll be here no more

He can’t go over seas
Where danger is near
Can’t see the children
Who know only fear

He is such a young man
Still naïve and so pure
Why ruin that
With the horrors of war?

And I want him to laugh
Without having to see
The pain that comes in
A fight to be free

So I won’t give him up
Though it isn’t my choice
Because your fighting soldier
Is my baby boy

 

[evolvingwolf]

*hugs* My baby brother is in the US airforce... he just got orders to go to Japan for 3 years. I feel the pain in this poem close to my heart.  

[Wolfen Princess]

Thanks a lot. This poem was inspired by my best friend's mother's reaction when she heard he was going into the army. It was the first time I found out too, it really left me speechless...  

[evolvingwolf]

Only other comment I have about this poem.... well, it's in the prose section. lol  

[Wolfen Princess]

uh yea, I meant to do that sweatdrop ha oops, I guess I didn't check exactly where I was posting it. Sorry everyone.  

[mixlemaxle]

I LOVE it.
It's beautiful.
I can give no critisism, sorry. There's nothing to say.

 

[fallenangel_Asha]

My boyfriend and I had been together 5 months when I found out he was joining the Navy. It was the most heartbreaking thing I had ever experianced until the day he left for bootcamp, which was only broken by the day he left for Iraq - 2 weeks after our wedding.
He came home, but for 7 months I worried constantly that he wouldn't. It's a pain that a lot of people in this country feel every day and I'm glad you put it into words like this.
The only literary criticism I can give is that you may want to edit a little, I think you could improve word choice in 2 instances (even though your decision was probably initially based on poem flow) - comes instead of come, anymore instead of no more. You don't want to sacrifice good english and good grammar for poem flow. Great job, I'm glad you wrote this.  

[ProfessorKC]

The sentiment is fine.

I spent quite a bit of time over in the Persian Gulf myself with the Navy, and more power to our armed service men and women!


... Now to the poem leaving sentiment behind a sec.

A few things you might want to change in the future (up to you):

1) word choice - sometimes simple is not better and the words you use to fit a rhyme scheme just don't sound proper to the idea when read aloud. I always tell my students to read their work aloud and see how it sounds.

Ex: "standards so low." Standards of what? Living? School testing? FDA Approval? (you get the idea) it's a little vague when compared to the rest of the poem and a few maybe not 5 dollar but 2 dollar words would fit in nicely and give this stanzas a little more punch.

-"when death is so near" could be near to the narrator, the boy or both .... unclear when read like the standards line. We can assume its the son from the title, but the title should not be needed to rely upon for understanding in a poem.

2) rhyme shceme - did you purposely break scheme at the end? If so, was that to focus on the fact that the soldier is the narrator's son? I hope so, it does give good focus on that notion and a good reason to break your rhyme, but there are other words that fit the scheme but don't have complete clarity in the image you're creating (see above examples).

I'd like to see you try a traditional sonnet. One with non-traditional themes. Give it a try! It can be fun to play around in poetic forms.

blaugh  

[Wolfen Princess]

*Sigh* Editing is such a chore. Ha, but I'm glad for all the suggestion. As you may be able to tell, I have changed some lines around. I think it sounds better this way. Also, the grammer is better in my opinion.

The break from the rhyme in stanzas 3 and 5 are intentional. Also the actual syllable count of the poem is off but I think it still flows, though I don't know if that is because I know how it is supposed to sound...  

[ProfessorKC]

Ah, Yes! Editting! the most important part of the writing process (according to my various editors, which I am inclined to agree with from time to time). The willingness to chop up our belioved little children (our work) before we let them go ... it's tough stuff to do sometimes, but we all end up doing it. ...

About the poem:

I like the changes. Definite improvement.  

[Wolfen Princess]

*sniff* But I like my children...

I am glad you like this one was better, I do as well. In the first version I hated the last line of the first stanza "he won't be here no more" but I didn't like how it sounded when I changed it to 'anymore' so I just rewrote it.

I'm so happy that this poem was able to reach the people who have read it. It really is great to hear that people can understand and connect with what I am feeling and what I am trying to express. Any other comments or criticism is welcomed.  

[Jeyrin]

Wow...that's so sad, but I love it. (: I've never known anyone in the army, so I can't say that I can relate to it, but this is a really sweet poem.  

[MORbidInvader]

My uncle, who is like an older brother to me, is in Iraq. It was such a hard thing to deal with and I'm always wondering if he'll be OK. Your poem really touched me, I love it.  

[a very small bird]

Beautiful! I love it. :]