Not quite sure what to call this...

[Emmerah]

This is a poem i'm writing for a friend, who died recently, i'm planning on reading it at his funeral... i'd like some advice on some of the lines that I'm not quite sure of... the bits i'm not sure about are in italics... it's probably really weird to be asking for advice on gaia...



You kept your secrets hidden in your blood
You didn't trust enough to let it out
'If you loved me I would know'
'And if you cared then it would show'
You stole my smile so long ago
'If this can change I do not wish to know'

I couldn't bear to lose your light
And watched you as you lost the fight
You didn't feel enough to care
I think i've made this very clear
I wish you weren't my friend
So i could hate you in the end

You didn't want our friendship or our help
You were content to break yourself
And we watched you play the game
And as we watch you end the same
As the one's who played before
Clutch your head curled on the floor

And is this really fair
You ran your fingers through my hair
And i heard you say goodbye
And as i fled into the night
I swear i felt you take my hand
Passing through like running sand  

[Rock4ourRock]

ill go in order. these are what i think will work:

1. out

2. this one im not so sure about. were you good friends with the person, did you have any romantic feelings for him?

3. wish

4. as you lost

5. cant really decide on this one

6. Leave these two lines out, or else change them. I doubt he would want that to be the last thing you say about him before he is laid to rest.  

[Emmerah]

Rock4ourRock

ill go in order. these are what i think will work:

1. out

2. this one im not so sure about. were you good friends with the person, did you have any romantic feelings for him?

3. wish

4. as you lost

5. cant really decide on this one

6. Leave these two lines out, or else change them. I doubt he would want that to be the last thing you say about him before he is laid to rest.

thanks for the advice... he was pretty much a brother to me... how about this for the last couple of lines?
I swear i felt you take my hand
Passing through like running sand
i dunno... i guess i'm just really bad a st saying goodbye...  

[Rock4ourRock]

Emmerah

Rock4ourRock

ill go in order. these are what i think will work:

1. out

2. this one im not so sure about. were you good friends with the person, did you have any romantic feelings for him?

3. wish

4. as you lost

5. cant really decide on this one

6. Leave these two lines out, or else change them. I doubt he would want that to be the last thing you say about him before he is laid to rest.

thanks for the advice... he was pretty much a brother to me... how about this for the last couple of lines?
I swear i felt you take my hand
Passing through like running sand
i dunno... i guess i'm just really bad a st saying goodbye...

that sounds good, definitely a better ending. not as negative but still a nice goodbye even though it may be sad, but thats ok.  

[Jeyrin]

I love it. It's very nice, and I think I was just inspired to write some poetry. (A lot of times, when I'm not in the mood to write, I read and then I get in the mood).

I think you could name it "in the end" referring to so I could hate you in the end

 

[ProfessorKC]

I would love to see more analogy in your images. A comparison of things instead of just a recitation of what the friend goes through. Being set up to fail and refusing to listen to others about it... hmmm ... know any literary or historical characters to compare him to? It adds color to give a representation of what he looks like to you as well and allows for the reader to create a better mental picture which always leaves a stronger impression

Watch your verb tenses. If you are in the past tense three words prior (watched) you are probably going to use past tense (lost). Mixing tenses when someone is referring to something that happended yet is speaking of it in the present or remembering it now as they perform a task is one of the most common errors in writing (I have often been guilty of this). Present tense does give a reader more access to the feel. Events unfolding before the reader work the imagination more than a continual reference to what has been.

Just some thoughts. Hope it helps.