'When Life Ends'

[Vaporeae]

Well, um, hi. I'm new here... so, um, hi sweatdrop ! Well, this thread is basically about my current project, a novel called 'When Life Ends'. My dear mother thinks it is weird, but she thinks everything I write is weird. But she doesn't understand fantasy in general and that is what I write.

Well, I'm not going to give away the major plot, since I hope to get it published one day and therefore I mustn't really post it online. Basically, that's because publishers want first publishing rights, and even just posting it on a blog or forum (just like this one, even) counts as publishing. So I may as well warn others who want to break into the publishing business, do not post your novel online. If you really must, only post tiny bits which you can easily delete later. It's not only 'first publishing rights' that you have to think about, you have to be careful nobody steals your idea too.

All I'm going to mention about the plot right now is that it is about a thirteen year old boy called Jack and his adventure in the afterlife. I won't reveal any more unless it it is neccesary for me to get the help I need. Therefore, you can guess I won't be posting too much on this thread, not unless I need any help. I might post the death scene on here after all, if just to get an opinion from a different group of people. I think I will start with that, bearing in mind that I might have to delete it at some point, for obvious reasons.

So with that I will begin. Enjoy what you can of this. If you are serious about reading this and helping me improve, I do need somebody, other than friends and my Mum since they can give very baised opinions, to read stuff through and tell me what they think and how to improve. If anybody is seriously interested, then you can PM me, but only if you are on Gaia often enough to be able to receive my chapters and generally communicate. Though I seriously doubt anybody would want to, there's always a chance ^-^ . I'm not desperate though; if nobody wants to I won't mind.

So anyway, enjoy what you can. Please comment and critique on what I post on here. Thankyou; I appreciate it so much heart !

P.S: If you are wondering why it says that there was one extra post, then I did have the prologue up here. I deleted it for obvious reasons (try rereading the second paragraph up there if you don't see how obvious they are) .
 

[Vaporeae]

Well, hello again. I've decided to post the death scene after all. Just to add a few things that you might need to know to understand some things in this extract. Well, for the first; Jack is homeless. Plus, the man who murders him does not appear again. But anyway, enough rambling. Here it is... a little extract from Chapter Three.

Vaporeae

Extract From 'Chapter Three: No One Can Hear You Scream'

“Then why are you hiding?” said Jack, hoping he sounded braver than he felt.

“Why, my dear boy, I’m not!” the voice said. A shady figure stepped out of the darkness.

It was a man. The first thing Jack noticed was that he was very tall and thin, but not skeletal like Jack was. He was more than skin and bone, Jack realized, and was heavily muscular. He had a shaven head, and his eyes were black, as black as the night. Jack was rattled; he could not see the stranger’s pupils, and a person’s eyes always played a key role in finding a person’s nature or weakness. He felt insecure not knowing what lied in the man’s eyes. The man wore a midnight black suit, skilfully tailored and perfectly fitted. He had a blood red tie, which was heavily embroidered with golden thread. If Jack didn’t know better he would have thought that the stranger was a rich, fussy man with plenty of money. But Jack did know better. He thought the man was a skilful thief, good with words and good with threats.

And good with guns.

For the man had just removed a polished gun from inside his suit.

Jack wanted to scream, but his voice was lost to him. The man smirked, obviously enjoying Jack’s fear. Jack could not see anything but the weapon in the stranger’s hands; he was frozen in terror, and knew he had nowhere to run.

The man pulled the trigger. Jack braced himself, but the bullet did not come to him. The weapon was pointing toward Jack’s feet. Jack looked down, and was horrified to see a cat, a ginger tabby, lying motionless on the floor, with blood gushing out of its head. Jack squeaked feebly, but did not move away in fear he would be next. The cat’s blood was pouring over Jack’s bare feet; Jack felt ill.

The man smirked at Jack, and pointed towards his heart. Jack tensed, hoping the bullet wouldn’t come.

And then the gunshot sounded. Jack leapt for the river in desperation as fear took control over his body. And suddenly there was unbearable pain. Blinding pain. Jack screamed, one last scream, and took one last breath- and he suddenly felt cold. Very, very cold. And then he suddenly felt as if bony hands were reaching out for him, and freezing, rattling breathing swept over him like ice- and then his limbs turned limp, his face turned pale. His dead body floated weightlessly; like air on the river’s chilling water.

Sorry about all the gaps in the lines, but I'm sure you all know Gaia doesn't agree with indents. Well, anyway, tell me what you think. This is the third edited version, if anyone is wondering. Well, comment and critique please. Thankyou heart  

[Stelle Cadenti]

All of my remarks are in red. Don't freak out when you see it, a lot of it is just me explaining myself. I did go through with one of my finer toothed combs though, I hope it helps!

Vaporeae

Extract From 'Chapter Three: No One Can Hear You Scream'

“Then why are you hiding?” said Jack, hoping he sounded braver than he felt.

“Why, my dear boy, I’m not!” the voice said. A shady (saying 'shady' here sounds redundant, becasue the man's in darkness already.) figure stepped out of the darkness. (You should do something to make this figure sound more ominous, describe his voice a bit, or his gait as he walks towards Jack.)

It was a man. The first thing Jack noticed was that he was very tall and thin, but not skeletal like Jack was. He was more than skin and bone, Jack realized, and was heavily muscular.(If he's thin then he won't be particulaly muscular, he could still be strong though. He could give Jack the impression of someone who could pack a punch, just by the way he carries himself without looking like a prize fighter.) He had a shaven head (I removed the comma here) and his eyes were black, as black as the night. Jack was rattled; he could not see the stranger’s pupils, and a person’s eyes always played a key role in finding a person’s nature or weakness. He felt insecure not knowing what laid in the man’s eyes. The man wore a midnight black suit (If it's quite dark out, which I have the impression it is, Jack wouldn't be able to tell the colour of the man's suit, it would just be classified as 'dark' to him), skillfully tailored and perfectly fitted. He had a blood red tie, which was heavily embroidered with golden thread. If Jack didn’t know better he would have thought that the stranger was a rich, fussy man with plenty of money. Jack did know better, though. He thought the man was a skillful thief, good with words and good with threats. (Just before this last sentence you said that Jack knew what the man was, now you have him thinking. It makes it unclear what the man is.)

Good with guns, also. (Don't start a sentence with 'and.' I recommend joining this sentence with the above paragraph. This style of formatting, leaving a sentence as it's own paragraph, is popular online, but not in print.)

For the man had just removed a polished gun from inside his suit. (I don't get the impression that this is a period piece, from the writing and the subject matter, starting a sentence with 'for' makes it sound too old. I find that it often also distracts from the rest of the sentence and what the writer is trying to get across, like it's a bit too flowery.)

Jack wanted to scream, but his voice was lost to him. (Why? Has a lump formed in the back of his throat? Has his mouth suddenly gone parchment dry? Has his brain disconnected from his lungs?) The man smirked, obviously enjoying his fear. Jack couldn't see anything but the weapon in the stranger’s hands (Hand, maybe? It doesn't seem like it would be a two handed weapon.); he was frozen in terror (Took out another comma here.) and knew he had nowhere to run.

The man pulled the trigger. Jack braced himself, but the bullet did not come to him. (Wouldn't Jack be moving right now? Running far away perhaps? Or if he has frozen up, he would still be experiencing some physical reactions to fear. Sweaty palms, racing heart, tremors. Details like these will help with the realism of your character, everyone reacts to fear in some way.) The weapon was pointed toward Jack’s feet. He looked down, and was horrified to see a ginger tabby (Too many commas) lying motionless on the floor, with blood gushing out of its head. Jack squeaked feebly (Squeaked? I don't know, it doesn't sound right. Perhaps his breath hitched in his throat.), but did not (Could not would be better, I'm sure he wants to move away) move away in fear he would be next. The cat’s blood was pouring over Jack’s bare feet; he felt ill.

The man smirked at Jack, and pointed towards his heart. Jack tensed, hoping the bullet wouldn’t come.

And then the gunshot sounded. Jack leapt for the river in desperation as fear took control over his body (Fear was holding him in place before I though, this is a contradiction). Suddenly there was unbearable pain. Blinding pain. Jack screamed; his last scream. He took one last breath- and felt the cold. So, so cold. He felt as if bony hands were reaching out for him, and freezing, rattling breathing swept over him like ice- his limbs turned limp, his face pale. Jack's dead body floated weightlessly, like air on the river’s frigid waters. (I just made some edits to this part myself, how I think it would sound better)

Some of this is grammatical, most is just suggestion. Take it with a grain of salt and I really do hope it helps!  

[Vaporeae]

whee Thank you! This is really helpful. And it looks like that took a while.

I would go and edit it now, but, uh, my laptop isn't turning on. It sort of starts and then freezes. It's driving me insane. And my only copy is on my laptop crying . I'm on my Dad's right now, but that laptop better start working. I only got it in May and it was not cheap. And I've got my novels on there (one of which I've been working on since the start of the year) and my unfinished competition entry. I'm not very amused.

Ah, but yes, thank you. Hopefully my laptop will start working again so I can actually try some of this sweatdrop .  

[Vaporeae]

Hi! I'm back, and guess what? I'm rewriting the entire novel XD . Well, really, only the five chapters I did, but it's lots longer. And I'm going to be posting biggrin .

So, to begin... here's the prologue:

Quote:

PROLOGUE: BIRTH

Lynn was flying. Flying through the streets, looking for the newborn to which she had been assigned. She hoped the child would be all right, for Lynn knew what the location meant. Homeless... she thought, feeling miserable. Her upper had made it very clear that this one was more important than most, mainly by expressing his distaste that someone of her ‘inferior abilities’ shouldn’t watch over this child. But his upper had insisted. She had been chosen, and one couldn’t argue with fate. Why the important people had to have the worst luck, Lynn didn’t know.

She knew a bit about being homeless. She had died when she was just a baby because of it, but she was given a second chance. She was grateful for that, even if it had only bought her fifteen years of life before Death caught her in his cold hands again. Though death itself wasn’t that cold. Only the pain that caused it, and the struggle as you breathe for the last time. Then there is peace, the peace of the afterlife. Lynn had never feared death as much as most people, but that couldn’t hide her from the pain. Not even God’s sympathy.

Lynn’s feathery wings almost stopped flapping when she saw the child and its mother. She abruptly brushed her dark hair out of her eyes to see better, her deep chestnuts wide with worry. An abandoned alleyway is no substitute for a hospital, she thought, panicking. Her last charge had lived a comfortable life, but Lynn already knew this child would have to fight for it... life wasn’t easy. The afterlife was much simpler, generally.

Lynn was alarmed to see the mother’s guardian looking up at her, his glowing eyes beckoning her hopefully. She was horrified to see the state the mother was in; there was blood everywhere. This wasn’t an easy birth, she thought, her deep eyes averting to the newborn, scared at what she might see. The child seemed fine at least, if screaming at the top of its voice. Lynn swooped down on the little group, her white wings folding neatly as she landed.

“What happened? Where’s the father?” she asked, clutching the child’s tiny hand. All that the baby would have felt was gentle warmth between its fingers, maybe seeing a sparkling glimmer where her hand was. The angels were everywhere, guiding their charges. The humans just couldn’t see them. Only if the angels wanted to show themselves did they know they existed.

“The father left! His guardian tried to stop him, but the man somehow blocked him out. I would have helped if Patricia weren’t in such a position. You must help the child, he’s been crying for ages! He must have milk soon, but I think you’ll be able to help him last a little longer.”

A boy. I hope he’ll have a chance to live, she thought, pouring her strength into the baby’s limbs. Lynn’s shimmering light wavered as the white light poured into the child’s bloodstream. The newborn stopped crying, looking curious, as if it sensed her presence. Lynn knelt beside it protectively, letting it share her glowing warmth, as she withdrew from their link. The child no longer needed protecting; they needed to worry about the baby’s mother now.

The mother’s guardian was looking at her hopefully, sheltering the mother with his wings. Lynn nodded and poured more of her strength into the woman, for without her she knew that the child could never survive. But despite the two angel’s efforts, the mother’s condition did not improve. And when the woman slipped away, Lynn’s hope left too.

The other angel, looking forlorn, led her soul away; looking sympathetically at the child, who had started crying again. When the old woman heard his howling and took him in, Lynn had been relieved, but she hadn’t known that the boy would end up on the streets again. If she had known that in little under thirteen years, the boy’s death would come, she probably would have cried. But if she had heard of the irony, she would have done much worse. For if, he had lived just an hour longer, his thirteenth birthday would have been upon him.

Well, I wrote this a while back. I basically wanted to introduce Jack's guardian angel - Lynn - so the reader would recognise her when she actually pops in. Plus it shows some of his backstory. Anyway, as always, comments are appreciated, and a critique would be very helpful ^-^  

[Vaporeae]

Just edited that by putting in italics, but uh, yeah... any comments?