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abandoned_nr_5448214

Gambino Gaian

PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 3:36 pm
User ImageUser ImageThis is a piece I plotted up a first chapter for after reading a prompt, where we were requested to combine a character with dark skin and a character with pale skin (guess what me, a fantasy freak, came up with?). I've never shared this before, but I'm adding a little to it every now and then. Should I write more chapters?
It's my first successful hunt by the way ^^ if you see something that could be improved, please do tell!

Word count: 1055


Robust, trustworthy and very old leather boots hammered against the cold and deserted streets. Nearly white, and very short cut hair bounced in her neck.
How could this have happened? The thoughts raced through the young girls mind. This was her town! She had lived here all her life – so how come she was now hunted like this?!
Well, she wasn’t even half as interested in ‘why’ as in ‘by what’.

The whole night through she had raced the streets up and down, down every alley, through every secret passage that she was convinced that only she knew about.

Exhausted by the chase, she suddenly fell over her own feet, and could only save herself from hitting the ground in the last minute, by gripping after the brick wall in the alley and then leaning against it – unable to start running again once she had stopped.

Her chest heaved with fast, painful breaths. A thin, whining sound came from her lungs every time she inhaled and with it came a short, but intense stitch of pain. It added to the more dim, but also more continuous ache.
Her legs threatened to give in under her.

She knew this was not good. Not in any way. Whatever it was that chased her, she could not hunt when she was shooed around like this herself. Not to mention she had been on a thin diet already before, trying to keep a low profile.

She counted the days and came to the rough number of soon five nights straight without blood. Hell, she was done for! She was weak and sick and chased. Three problems more than she wanted.

Without any warning, a claw-like hand gripped her shoulder and forced her to spin around. Further, another hand joined in and both took a new, more stern grip. The vampire, Andrea, 18 years old, feared for the second time in her life that she was going to die as she was brutally forced up against the damp brick wall.

“Another escape from your side and I will crack your ribcage open!”

The voice was deep, somewhat growling but without doubt female. Andrea had to assume this would at least mean that her ribs would go unharmed, since she was in no condition to walk, never mind running.

The female said something more, but Andrea felt it hard to focus on the voice and the face at the same time. And it sure was an interesting face.

Sharp and glowing amber eyes, over a slightly snub nose. She was well aware that the female was saying something, because her mouth was moving. Voluptuous lips – so very different from the thin pale lips of vampires – parted and showcased a set of sharp teeth. The vampire girl had a feeling somewhere in the back of her consciousness that she wanted to touch hose lips, they seemed to be twice the size of hers.

Her eyes wandered down over skin in a dark copper colour to see that it was not only the lips that seemed to be twice the size of hers. But on the other side, this… person, seemed to have only half the amount of clothing.
Some kind of tube top, a countless amount of black tattoos in a whirling pattern of odd signs, that led her gaze down to a nearly transparent piece of cloth tied together over the wide hips. Under it she could hint a darker triangle before she dozed of in a moment of unconsciousness.

***

A sharp, very uncomfortable feeling of something poking her collar-bone woke her up. She understood that she was now lying on the ground, and when she looked to her right she understood the weird feeling as she was staring at a big gash over her shoulder.

Before she got a chance to scream, or at least whine, the claw-looking hand struck her over her pale face.

“Snap out of it. It is not lethal and if you just pick your pieces together and listen to me I might reward you for your help.”

“Wh-what kind of help?”

“If you had listened before you passed out you would have known half-human.”

“Half-human?! I am a vampire!”

“Exactly. Good I finally got your attention. You’re born human, and that can’t be denied. Even if you are infected with the vampire disease you’re not born vampire. Can we return to my problem now?”

Andrea watched in amazement. The face had gone through a complete change now that the woman was calm. Now she looked concerned, almost caring, as she helped the young girl to sit up.

“Thank you… what problem? And wait, before you say it, what and who are you? You don’t look like a vampire.”

Her comment received an irritated frown.

“How do you imagine a vampire would ever get this tan? No I am a demon, from western Asia. My name is Hasarmavet.”

“Hassa-what?”

“Just say Mavie if that is easier.”

“It is. And from what part of western Asia do you come from? I mean, which country…”

“Hey, do you want to know why I’ve been chasing you high and low or do you want to play twenty questions?”

“Sorry… Mavie. Please tell me why you almost scared me to a second death.”

The demon grinned, showing of fangs that not only could puncture a jugular, but most likely take out the whole throat.

“I need somewhere to sleep. Vampires are masters on finding well isolated shelters were humans rarely go, even in their own cities.”

Andrea waited, but nothing more.

“Was that… all?”

“I am going to pay for it, and I will pay well.”

The vampire shook her head in disbelief.

“Vampires don’t need money, we can take anything we would need from out victims. Did you really haunt me around like that just to get an underground shelter?”

“Yes, and of course I won’t pay with money, I have something much better “she scratched her skin lightly, forcing out dark red droplets of blood. ”Demon blood is many times more powerful than human blood. Besides, when you are out hunting, I would come in handy to discard the body. I think I have at least three hundred years more experience than you on the subject. And I am very found of human flesh.”  
PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 8:16 pm
It was definitely interesting and you should write more. Just for some helpful criticism, in one part you put 'hose' when you meant to say 'those'. I remember once putting 'waste' when I meant 'waist'. Also, you sometimes have too many commas.

Incorrect Example: I like pie, and could eat more if I felt like it.

To write it correctly, it has to have a subject for a comma to be there. It looks like you intended for it to be a compound sentence.

Correct Examples: I like pie, and I could eat more if I felt like it.

Or: I like pie and could eat more if I felt like it.

Thank you, and please update this soon!  

Writer Selbe

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