regret

[storebrand saint]

I fashioned a crown of stone
To be worn by you,
Realizing just too late
That a crown of salt
Might’ve saved me
For stone takes centuries to erode away,
And salt melts in the rain.  

[Stelle Cadenti]

Wow, I really like this. It's a really interesting message, maybe like 'I was ready to worship you, but it's too late and I've changed my mind.' Unique way of putting it, too. I just have a few suggestions for the wording of this.

Quote:

I fashioned a crown of stone
To be worn by you, I just think that this line doesn't flow properly with this wording. If you said something like 'For you to wear, my dear,' it might get across better what this person is to you, as well as adding some needed pauses with the punctuation.
Realizing just too late
That a crown of salt
Might’ve saved me
For stone takes centuries to erode away, I think taking out the 'for' would make this sound better, the unneeded word distracts the attention.
And salt melts in the rain. Add in a 'but,' instead of 'and,' and a comma after 'salt' to add a dramatic pause.

I fashioned a crown of stone,
for you to wear, my dear.
Realizing just too late
that a crown of salt
Might’ve saved me.
Stone takes centuries to erode away,
But salt, melts in the rain.

I still really like it though. 3nodding  

[storebrand saint]

Stelle Cadenti

Wow, I really like this. It's a really interesting message, maybe like 'I was ready to worship you, but it's too late and I've changed my mind.' Unique way of putting it, too. I just have a few suggestions for the wording of this.

Quote:

I fashioned a crown of stone
To be worn by you, I just think that this line doesn't flow properly with this wording. If you said something like 'For you to wear, my dear,' it might get across better what this person is to you, as well as adding some needed pauses with the punctuation.
Realizing just too late
That a crown of salt
Might’ve saved me
For stone takes centuries to erode away, I think taking out the 'for' would make this sound better, the unneeded word distracts the attention.
And salt melts in the rain. Add in a 'but,' instead of 'and,' and a comma after 'salt' to add a dramatic pause.

I fashioned a crown of stone,
for you to wear, my dear.
Realizing just too late
that a crown of salt
Might’ve saved me.
Stone takes centuries to erode away,
But salt, melts in the rain.

I still really like it though. 3nodding

i see where your coming from, and can understand the first two changes, but the latter seems to ruin the flow and seems to affectatious, besides just being grammatically incorrect. if i were to try that, i would also have to add a comma after stone, for parallelism's sake.

i still prefer my way of writing, although i can see the value...mayhap just because of the more open sounding "you." ending a line in "you" doesn't let the line end crisply, letting the sound kind of echo in the reader's mind, fixing the problem of flow.

but i still appreciate your having spent the time on it...if that wasn't exactly what i wanted to hear, i never would have posted it.