Girl in The Hourglass [chapter 2 up]

[Emmerah]

Guess what? I have a new story!!!! I've titled it Girl in the Hourglass, because that is the first thing that came into mind whilst writing it. This is the prologue. As you can probably tell...

Prologue
Her heart stirred and the blackness it was engulfed in slapped it down, she sobbed, ‘why me?’ she thought, unable to stand on her own any longer she let the heavy fabric of despair drag her down.

“Ryna” said the angel, she smiled, his voice was so beautiful “Ryna, wake up” she attempted to stir, to answer the angels beautiful voice, but found her self trapped in the chains of her own despair.
“Ryna, you must get up,” his voice echoed through her mind ‘Michael’ she thought desperately ‘help me’
“Thankyou,” said the angel “Now I may help you” she felt a flood of white course through her body, pushing the blackness surrounding her heart into the earth
“Ryna, do not push yourself, heal yourself above others” said the angel; the flood of white came to a stop. “Do you feel better now?” he asked kindly
She nodded and opened her eyes, the angel was there, ‘ thankyou, Michael’ she thought, unable to create the words with her own voice.
“It is alright, Ryna, call on us when ever you feel the need” he said warmly, he caressed her cheek with his hand once more, then disappeared
She sat up; her mind had been opened, to a world of angels  

[Vaporeae]

Well, the actual concept has me interested, but the grammar and structure needs improving. I've made some changes (my reasons are in red) which I think should help you, but feel free to slap me if I've gone too far.

Emmerah

Prologue

Her heart stirred. But the blackness it was engulfed in slapped it down again.(New sentence) She sobbed helplessly, thinking, ‘why me?’(better sentence structure) Unable to stand on her own any longer, she reluctantly let the heavy fabric of despair drag her down. (New sentence)

“Ryna,” said the angel. She smiled.(New Sentence) He had a beautiful voice.(New Sentence) “Ryna, wake up.” She attempted to stir, to answer the angels beautiful voice, but found herself trapped in the chains of her own despair.
“Ryna, you must get up,” his voice echoed through her mind.
"Michael," she thought desperately. "Help me!" (New speaker, should be on a new line)
“Thank you,” said the angel. “Now I may help you.”
She felt a flood of white course through her body, pushing the blackness surrounding her heart into the earth. (Better structure)
“Ryna, do not push, (Repeating 'yourself' sounds odd, try removing one of them) heal yourself above others,” said the angel; the flood of white came to a stop. “Do you feel better now?” he asked kindly.
She nodded and opened her eyes. The angel was there.(New sentence) "Thank you Michael," she thought, unable to create the words with her own voice.
“It is alright, Ryna, call on us when ever you feel the need,” he said warmly. He caressed her cheek with his hand once more and disappeared. (Better structure)
She sat up. Her mind had been opened. She knew a world of angels. (Better structure)

Just a few pointers here. The first paragraph was all just one huge sentence; you should split it up. Also, even when you start a new line, you must always use a full stop to end the sentence. And whenever you end speech, you must always but either a comma, exclamation mark or a question mark and when a new person starts speaking (even in their thoughts) you must always start a new line.

Well, your spelling was fine, just work on the grammar and structure. With a little practice though, you could get this idea going. I'm no expert on the structure thing, I've got a lot to learn, but those should help you grasp the basics. And just a general tip to improve your writing; try including the characters emotions more. And why not describe the angel? We have no clue what he looks like.

If I've offended you or anything, flame me all you like. I hope I helped heart .  

[Emmerah]

Vaporeae

Well, the actual concept has me interested, but the grammar and structure needs improving. I've made some changes (my reasons are in red) which I think should help you, but feel free to slap me if I've gone too far.

Emmerah

Prologue

Her heart stirred. But the blackness it was engulfed in slapped it down again.(New sentence) She sobbed helplessly, thinking, ‘why me?’(better sentence structure) Unable to stand on her own any longer, she reluctantly let the heavy fabric of despair drag her down. (New sentence)

“Ryna,” said the angel. She smiled.(New Sentence) He had a beautiful voice.(New Sentence) “Ryna, wake up.” She attempted to stir, to answer the angels beautiful voice, but found herself trapped in the chains of her own despair.
“Ryna, you must get up,” his voice echoed through her mind.
"Michael," she thought desperately. "Help me!" (New speaker, should be on a new line)
“Thank you,” said the angel. “Now I may help you.”
She felt a flood of white course through her body, pushing the blackness surrounding her heart into the earth. (Better structure)
“Ryna, do not push, (Repeating 'yourself' sounds odd, try removing one of them) heal yourself above others,” said the angel; the flood of white came to a stop. “Do you feel better now?” he asked kindly.
She nodded and opened her eyes. The angel was there.(New sentence) "Thank you Michael," she thought, unable to create the words with her own voice.
“It is alright, Ryna, call on us when ever you feel the need,” he said warmly. He caressed her cheek with his hand once more and disappeared. (Better structure)
She sat up. Her mind had been opened. She knew a world of angels. (Better structure)

Just a few pointers here. The first paragraph was all just one huge sentence; you should split it up. Also, even when you start a new line, you must always use a full stop to end the sentence. And whenever you end speech, you must always but either a comma, exclamation mark or a question mark and when a new person starts speaking (even in their thoughts) you must always start a new line.

Well, your spelling was fine, just work on the grammar and structure. With a little practice though, you could get this idea going. I'm no expert on the structure thing, I've got a lot to learn, but those should help you grasp the basics. And just a general tip to improve your writing; try including the characters emotions more. And why not describe the angel? We have no clue what he looks like.

If I've offended you or anything, flame me all you like. I hope I helped heart .

thanks for the advice!!! ^.^~ I'll be sure to keep it in mind while i write the rest of it .....  

[Emmerah]

ok, people!!! Chapter 1!!!! (it probably flows a bit weirdly from the prologue... razz ) also, it might seem a little bit long....
Chapter 1
‘It’s nice’ she thought ‘it’s beautiful and warm, and I feel safe’ she smiled and got up. She ran around the sunny vale for a while, then slowed down. There was something wrong. ‘where are my friends?’ she asked herself. She began to look around, to search for a sign of her friends’ existence
“Cera! Tye! Ebony! Leyla! Damen! Where are you?” she called, those were her closest friends, the ones she trusted most.
“Come on guys” she called “This isn’t funny!”
She waited a while. The silence grew. Usually she would have liked the hush of the valley. ‘but, it’s too quiet’ she thought, she felt a presence suddenly.
“Tye? Is it you? Or is it Damen, come on guys, It’s no-“ she was cut off as a hand covered her mouth, or rather, a shadow of a hand, she tore the hand off and gasped.
“W-who are you?” she asked in a small voice
“Your enemy,” said the owner of the shadowy hand, it was a girl.
“But, who are you?” she asked again “What is your name?”
“You can figure it out,” said the shadow, it disappeared and Ryna found her self-gasping awake in her own bed.
“What was that?” she asked herself, she looked around her room to reassure herself, and thought she saw a shadow on the wall, it waved and she stared at it with wide eyes, she blinked and it was gone.

“Good morning everybody!” exclaimed Ryna happily as she walked into the kitchen, her four friends looked up from their various activities.
“Morning Ryna” said Damen sleepily; he was standing by the jug, obviously waiting for it to boil.
“Ugh, how can you be so energetic?” asked Leyla, she was eating her breakfast
“How can you not be!” exclaimed Tye “Mornings are wonderful!”
Cera just nodded, she didn’t speak much, she had the shadow of a smile on her lips, but her eyes were concerned. Ryna busied herself for the next few minutes by making herself some breakfast, it was only after she was settled down and eating it that one of her friends asked the question.
“Ryna” Said Cera quietly, everyone looked up. When Cera spoke it was generally something important.
“Yes, Cera?” Ryna mumbled with her mouth half full.
“Is there something wrong?” Asked Cera
“Why would you ask that Cera, there is absolutely nothi-“ she was cut off
“Now that I think about it, there does seem to be something wrong” Said Tye, holding up a hand, “Good observation CC”
“I told you, not to call me CC,” she said, glaring
“You never told me Cera, you never said a word” he replied, Cera rolled her eyes “Twit” Leyla said to Tye “Anyway, Ryna, what’s wrong?” she asked
“There is nothing wrong guys!” Said Ryna
“You sure?” Asked Tye, concerned
“Yes, I just had a bad dream is all” she said
“I see, and I take it that you don’t want to talk about it?” Asked Leyla
“Yes, I do not want to talk about it” said Ryna “Now, Damen, you do realise that the jug has boiled” she continued, turning towards him
“Yes, I DO realise that” he replied pouring the now boiled water into a cup and adding milk
“If you say so,” Ryna grinned

“I’ll see you guys later!” Said Ryna as she walked out the door
“Have fun Ryna!” Leyla called
“Say hi to Ebony for me!” Damen yelled after her
“Will do!” Ryna called back, laughing
“Ooh! I think Damen has a crush on someone” Said Leyla in a singsong voice, Ryna grinned, She loved her friends so much, she walked up the street, savoring the cool air and the quietness.
‘You could never guess’ she thought ‘that the city is only a few more blocks away’
She observed the spider webs dangling on the trees, it had rained last night and they were sparkling with drops of water, she walked past a small garden.
“Oh, hello Ryna” Said the old Lady who lived there
“Hello, Mrs. Wetherly” replied Ryna happily, “Your garden is going well I see” she walked on, smiling. By now she could hear the turmoil of the city, she sighed,
‘Just around the corner’ she thought ‘and all of a sudden, this peaceful scene will be replaced with chaos’ she took a breath and turned the corner. Ebony was waiting for her.
“Wow, that’s a first” Said Ryna “You’re on time for once” Ebony had a habit for being late.
“Well, Ian decided to wake me up, something obviously freaked him out last night” Said Ebony and Ryna blinked.
“Anyway, I’m sure it was nothing, we’d better not be late again”
“Hm, yes, Mr. Corydalis will be upset, have you got your poem ready? Asked Ryna
“Yup! I’m absolutely 100% ready!” replied Ebony happily
“Lets get going then”
The two friends walked in a comfortable silence for a while, then Ebony smacked her head and groaned.
“What’s wrong this time Ebs?” Asked Ryna
“I forgot to feed Ian!” she replied
“Oh, that’s not good,” replied Ryna
“Argh!!!”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be fine,” she said reassuringly
“You sure?” asked Ebony
“Your choice”
“He’ll be fine” Said Ebony coming to a decision
“Ok, lets go then”

“Ryna! Ebony! Late as usual!” Said Mr. Corydalis as they walked into the classroom. Ryna checked her watch
“No sir, we’ve still got five minutes,” she said politely
“Just as well” he said, “Do you both have your poems?”
“Yup!” exclaimed Ebony happily “Right here!” she proffered a sheet of paper and showed him
“Very good” he said “And Ryna?”
“Yes, Sir, I have my poem”
“And where is it?”
“In my head, Sir” he blinked,
“Very well then, you can go first.” By now most of the class was there
“Ok, from now on, anyone who walks through that door, is late” Said Mr. Corydalis “Ryna, would you like to go first?”
“Yes, sir”
“Very well, what is your topic?”
“Death”
“UP you go then”
“Sadness” Said Ryna “Is the title of my poem” She cleared her throat then began to recite it
“Blunt realisation he was not alive, tears of red fell from her eyes
And as she fell to the floor of stone, she realised that she was alone
She gave once more a desolate cry, and decided to no longer strive
She took a dagger to her heart, forever more they would not part”
“That was very good, Ryna, very good, next could we have Ebony, please”
“Yes, of course” Said Ebony, Ryna returned to her seat and as she passed Ebony gave her a thumbs-up.
“The subject of your poem?” Asked Mr. Corydalis
“Tears, and the title is ‘Tear Drops From The Heart’”
“Go ahead”
“The rain is falling; the rain is falling, Teardrops from the heart
The sun is dying; the sun is dying, what once was bright is dark
The Rose wilted, the rose wilted, it does not smell as sweet
Angels falling, angels falling, as we the lovers weep”
“Very good, well written, now, Josh would you like to come up next?”
Josh got up, the class listened quietly, but Ryna and Ebony were passing notes.
‘You seem upset, what’s wrong, spill, E’
‘Nothing, just had a bad dream, R’
‘Fine fine, you know I’ll get you to spill later though, E’
‘Probably, when you’re old and grey, lol, R’
‘Haha, very funny, spill! E’
“Speak louder, Alexa, please” Said Mr. Corydalis
‘Later, R’
‘Deal, E’

Ryna and Ebony walked out of the classroom chatting quietly, Ebony laughed and Ryna shook her head with a small smile, they continued walking till they got to Ebony's apartment. Ebony fiddled with her keys for a while, and then they walked in to the spacey room.
Ian Mewed and rubbed up against Ryna’s leg, getting black fur all over her new dark jeans
"Hullo" She said, crouching and scratching Behind Ian’s ears, Ian purred loudly and Ryna smiled "Well, whatever spooked him before, he seems to be fine now"
"I guess" Ebony walked over to the cabinet and got some food out for Ian, he clawed the floor and padded carefully over to his bowl mewling loudly "He's just hungry now" she emptied the packet of food into Ian’s bowl then got up and clapped her hands together,
"Now, I command you! Spill!" she ordered, Ryna sighed
"Fine, fine" She told Ebony about the dream, and then the shadow on her wall afterwards "I'm absolutely certain that it waved" she stated and shuddered. Ian walked up to her and clawed her hand, Ryna looked down, he was holding a mouse in his mouth and he looked a little bit annoyed.
"What’s up Ian?" Asked Ebony, walking over to them. He dropped the mouse at Ryna’s feet and Mewed, Ryna smiled at Ian and picked the mouse up by it’s tail. She inspected it, even sniffed it, she wasn’t quite sure why, Ian seemed satisfied when she gasped.
“What?” Asked Ebony
“Look at this” said Ryna quietly; she showed the mouse to Ebony.
“I don’t see anything but a dead mouse”
“It’s not dead Ebs, it’s sleeping, but… you really can’t see it?”
“See what Ryna?”
“The marking on its belly”
“There isn’t any marking”
“It’s as I thought then”
“Ryna, what in the world are you going on about?”
“Never mind” said Ryna, turning to Ian, who now seemed rather proud of himself, she gave the mouse back to him and he took it back to wherever he had gotten it from.
“Seriously Ryna, what the hell”
“It doesn’t matter, I’m sure I’m just delusional” she smiled and shrugged ‘I’m sure that was the mark of angel’ she thought to herself ‘but why in the name of the goddess Lauriel was it on a mouse?’