Lament: A War Poem

[Toikey]

Lament

Broke into a sweat, lying in the dark
Drawing a finger across ancient scars
Blind, watching time wind back, its steps retrace
Thrown from my safe bed to a wretched place

Scared and clammy, my gun slips in my hand
Eyes scanning the surface of the broken land
Everywhere I look, pain disguised as pride
I imagine Satan’s spawn on the other side

Lunging up to me, with a violent caress
Sheer terror, my soul expecting nothing less
Darkening; the sky as the sun went down
Sending fast a deadly kiss, a frightened frown

My anguish would not die with that gunshot
For your life I’ve shed many tears, quick and hot
You see the grief behind these tired eyes?
Because, for me, that battle never died.

Critique please, and be brutal!  

[storebrand saint]

Please, please, don't be frightened of this wall of text, the fact that I am spending so much time on this piece is because it gives me bright hopes for you. I always most harshly berate the great. If I say very little it is because there is too much to wade through to even find a place to start criticizing.

First I must wonder why you didn't put any periods in where they belong, but that is quickly made a small matter. You have great potential which may impress me greatly, soon enough, if you learn to pay attention to small details.

For one, I must suggest you read over everything aloud, before you feel it is complete. Although some lines may seem to be in correct meter, some words carry themselves differently that upset the flow of your writing (many of your "the"s and "a"s sound clunky, because they don't have a crisp end. I find that either can often be replaced with "this" to smooth it out.) Line 6 seems particularly needing of help in that matter.

Lines 9 and 10 also sounded off. Part of it might be helped if you were to possibly remove "a" entirely before "violent caress." Most nouns, I find, do not need an article in poetry. Line 10 seems most off due to meter and switching of tenses. I feel if you left it "expects" rather than "expected" it might be improved greatly.

And not so much a criticism as a note for the future, poems don't need a lot of action, the noun does it by itself, it suggests the action.

And dear, I did seem to use a lot of passive voice in that criticism, someone ought to punish me.

One final thing I wish to commend you for, is the string of harsh sounds you used. It created a beautiful rhythm, especially when considering the content. you have to love all the "k"s, "g"s, "tr"s, "ch"s, "d"s, and...well you get the idea, after all you wrote it.

Oh, and if you feel I have overstepped my bounds in my criticism, I am truly sorry, disregard any of it you please, and tell me to back off.  

[Toikey]

Thank you so much for your critique, I'm grateful you took the time out to look at this thoroughly.

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First I must wonder why you didn't put any periods in where they belong, but that is quickly made a small matter.

Can I be allowed creative licence for this one? I'll edit them in, thank you.

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For one, I must suggest you read over everything aloud, before you feel it is complete. Although some lines may seem to be in correct meter, some words carry themselves differently that upset the flow of your writing

Ahh, I was sure this would come up. You see, this was a variation technique I learnt in class, which uses small variations in the metre to create a sense of unease, as it is a war poem. So, essentially, that was the point. Commendation for noticing, though.

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Line 10 seems most off due to meter and switching of tenses. I feel if you left it "expects" rather than "expected" it might be improved greatly.

I agree, I will change the tense, thank you.

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And not so much a criticism as a note for the future, poems don't need a lot of action, the noun does it by itself, it suggests the action.

I would have to disagree here, actually. A lot of my poems are very vague and conceptual, but this was an experiment on something new. This was supposed to be a poem about a memory, so the subject is actually, in his head, experiencing these things. I felt the poem came alive when it felt like it had more of a pace.

But again, many thanks. I'm rather flattered.