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My sister got emailed this by a friend of hers. mrgreen
-I will not use t is not necessary to yell ‘POOF!’ every time I Apparate.
-I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write ‘I told you I was hardcore’.
-It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed, and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the results would be.
-Asking ‘How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?’ and walking away is only funny the first time.
-Any resemblance between Dementors and Nargles is coincidental.
-I am not allowed to declare an official Hug-A-Slytherin day.
-I will not charm the suits of armor to perform a rendition of ‘Knights at the Round Table’ for the Christmas feast.
-The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
-I will not wear my ‘DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT!’ shirt to school.
-Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor is tasteless and tacky, not a good money-making concept.
-Seamus Finnegan is not ‘after me lucky charms’.
-I am allowed to have a cat, rat, owl, or toad. I am NOT allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, of piranha.
-42 is not the answer to every question in the OWL’s.
-I will not claim my X-files tapes are ‘Auror training videos’.
-I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintball.
-I will not tell the first years that they should build a treehouse in the Whomping Willow.
-My name is not ‘Dark Lord Happy Pants’. I cannot sign my papers as such.
-Voldemort is not Ganendorf, and the Triforce is not hidden at Hogwarts.
-I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
-I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.
-I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.
-Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying ‘the library is closed for an indefinite period’ amusing in any sense.
-If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling ‘It does DEATH!’ may be correct, but is not the manner in which one should answer.
-‘OMGWTF’ is not a spell.
-I will not lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive.
-First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
-I will not bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divintation class.
-I will refrain from calling the Weasley twins ‘Merry and Pippin’. I will also refrain from calling Harry and Ron ‘Frodo and Sam’. It probably isn’t smart to call Draco ‘Legolas’, either.
-I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.
-If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not to perform it.
-I will not steal Gryffindor’s Sword from Dumbledore’s office and use it to patrol the hallways.
-There is not, nor has there ever been, a fifth house. I am not in it. I am also not its founder.
-I do not weigh the same as a duck.
-I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.
-I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance in to a classroom.
-I will not follow my potions instructions in reverse just to see what happens.
-I will not thrust my wand into the air before casting spells yelling ‘I have the power!’
-When fighting Death Eaters in the final battle, I will not thrust my wand skyward and yell ‘there can only be ONE!’
-Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda.
-I will not sing ‘We’re off to See the Wizard’ when going to see Dumbledore.
-I will not attempt to magically animate my Marshmallow Peeps.
-Bringing fortune cookies to Divintation does not count as extra credit.
-I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals.
-I am not allowed to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
-I am not allowed to refer to the Accio charm as ‘The Force’.
-It’s a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
-‘To conquer the world with an army of flying monkeys’ is not an appropriate career choice.
-I am not an Animagus sloth.
-I will not say ‘Dude, get a life!’ to Voldemort.
-Lupin does not want a flea collar.
-I will not try to take out life insurance on Harry Potter.
-I will not lick Neville Longbottom’s Toad.
-I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during the Arithmancy exams.
-No matter how good an Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures.
-If a classmate falls asleep, I am not to take advantage of their slumber and draw a dark mark on their arm.
-I will not put books of Muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
-I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
-I will not use ickle firsties as Christmas ornaments.
-Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play to the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
-When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I will not wave my hand and say ‘These are not the droids you are looking for’.
-I will not sing the Badger Song at Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.
-I will not impersonate a Swedish Chef in Potions class.
-Albus Dumbledore’s proper title is ‘Headmaster’, not ‘My Liege’.
-I will not tell the first year students that Professor Snape is the voice of God.
-I am not allowed to send copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
-I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.
-I will not change the password to the Prefects bathroom to ‘Makes getting clean almost as fun as getting dirty’.
-It is inappropriate to put sample bottles of Selsom Blue into Professor Snape’s personal postbox.
-I will not douse Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak in lemon juice to see if he turns visible while standing near the fire in the Common Room.
-I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesized her death.
-I will not attempt to recreate the Key of Time in Transfiguration Class.
-I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
-‘I’ve heard every joke about Oliver Wood’s name’ is not a challenge.
-I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
-I should not refer to the DADA Professors as ‘Canines in the coal mine’.
-I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchey as Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup.
-I will not make sock puppets of the Slytherin mascot.
-I will not yell ‘Believe it… or not’ after any of Dumbledore’s speeches.
-Professor Flitwick is not to be referred to as Admiral Naismith.
-I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.
-I will not start of Herbology class by singing the theme song of ‘Attack of the Killer Tomatoes’.
-Sirius Black did not found Sirius Cybernetics Corp.
-I will not teach the first years to sing ‘A Wizards Staff Has a Knob on the End’.
-I will stop asking Professor Snape when we will learn to make ‘Love Potion Number Nine’.
-I will not convince Ron Weasley to follow the butterflies.
-I will not perform Potter Puppet Pals in front of all of the Great Hall, no matter how enjoyable ‘The Mysterious Ticking Noise’ is.
-I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are ‘covered in bees’.
-I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
-House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
-‘Springtime for Voldemort’ is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
-Sirius Black is not #24601.
-I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
-I will not greet Professor McGonagall with ‘What’s new, pussycat?’
-I will not add ‘according to the prophecy’ to the end of every sentence in Divintation class, just to raise my grade
-I am not to tell Muggleborn first years that Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Bean taste best when eaten a handful at a time
-I will not sing ‘Defying Gravity’ during Quidditch practice
-Let’s narrow that down to I am not allowed to sing anything during Quidditch practice
-I am not allowed to Polyjuice myself into John DeLancie and Apparate into a Star Wars convention
-Providing Peeves with a case of Dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action and I will not do it again
-Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles of Firewhiskey, changing the labels does not do anything
-I am not to tell Nearly Headless Nick that he would lose his head if it wasn’t attached, that is just cruel
-The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartarses, and the Junior Death Eaters
-Yelling ‘To infinity and BEYOND’ was only funny the first time I took off on my broom
-Telling Draco Malfoy to ‘Make like a ferret and bounce’ is always a bad idea
-No matter how creepy the dark abandoned towers are, I will not find Johny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them
-I will not start a campaign to rid the world of mimes
-I am not allowed to flood the Chamber of Secrets, install an organ, wear a half mask, and play Andrew Lloyd Webber
-I am not allowed to tell the first years that there is a fifth house called ‘Sparkleypoo’ an I am in it
-I will not tickle a sleeping dragon just to see what happens
-I am not allowed out of my dorm room when visitors from the Ministry are here
-The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as ‘My Lord Cthlulhu’, nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon
-First years are not play toys, I may not teach the Giant Squid to fetch them
-I will not tell the nervous new DADA teachers that they ‘are entering a bull cage with a red shirt on in Spain’
-I will not sweep the common room with Harry Potter’s Firebolt
-I will not scare the first years by telling the tale of an omniscient Auror who controls our destinies
-The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is ‘You wanted to see me, Professor?’ not ‘I have it on good authority you have no evidence’
-Ron Weasley is not ‘Boy Wonder’, I will not Imperious him to wear green tights
-Putting a Snitch in Malfoy’s pants really isn’t all that funny, even if it does make him scream like a girl
-Enchanting all brooms to hum ‘The Sorcerers Apprentice’ is really annoying
-Putting fake spiders all around Ron Weasley’s bed is not funny, especially not when he tries to jump out the window
-Spiking the school’s supply of pumpkin juice is not funny, no matter how much fun we had that night
-Remarking ‘That’s what your Mum said last night’ to anything anyone else says was only marginally comical the first time. Harry does not find this funny, Sirius did, however
-Speaking like Yoda, does not a happy professor make. Funny, it is not
-Invisibility Cloaks should not be used to act out Clay Aiken songs
-I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.
-It is exceptionally tasteless to serenade Professor Lupin with ‘Moon River’
-The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason
-I am not being repressed
-Potter 6, Voldemort 0, is not an appropriate T-shirt slogan
-Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters
-I will not charm Firenze pink and call him ‘My Little Pony’
-It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that ‘Once you go Black, you never go back’
-Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammar school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise
-I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuff’s that there is no Santa Clause
-I am not allowed to shave Mrs. Norris
-I am not allowed to sing "Holding Out For A Hero" whenever Harry Potter enters the room
-I am not allowed to change the password to the Hufflepuff common room and laugh when they cry because they can’t get in
-If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying ‘Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin’
-Recording a remix of ‘It's A Hardknock Life’ using the house-elves as vocal backup is not funny
-It probably isn’t smart to ask Draco Malfoy if his hair glows in the dark
-Telling Umbridge cardigans are so last century will get you in trouble
-‘Accidentally’ dropping Polyjuice potion with Luna Lovegood’s hair in Snape's drink is a very unhealthy hobby
-I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his ‘time of the month’
-As hot as Cedric Diggory is, I will try to bring back his ghost, for I am not a necromancer
-I must not give Luna Lovegood a Harry Potter book and ask her to read it upside down to me
-I will try my hardest not to feel Draco's hair to see how greasy it is
-I must try not to burst out in a fit of giggles whenever someone gasps at the mention of Voldemort
-I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins
-I will not tie-dye all of the owls
-I will not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall
-Or anywhere else for that matter
-I will not shave Mrs. Norris
-I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood
-I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwick’s wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it
-I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout long live Lord Voldemort because I think it’s funny
-Skiving Snackboxes are not a suitable gift for first-years
-I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing
-I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements
-I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone it’s the new Dark Mark
-I will not ask Ginny how to properly strangle a chicken
-I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead
-Filch does not have a sister named Magenta
-Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword
-I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads, even if she really is
-It is wrong to refer to Aragog as ‘Charlotte’
-I will not refer to the hippogryph as ‘Horseybird’
-I will not ‘borrow’ a prefects' badge for Peeves
-I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice
-I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro
-It was not an honest mistake
-Chemistry and Potions don't mix
-Testing this last is not funny
-Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that
-I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth
-Neither is The Fat Lady.
-Professor Snape does not enjoy being called ‘Snookums’
-Neither does he respond favorably to ‘Sev’, ‘Snapey-Poo’ or ‘Debbie’
-I am not authorized to sell incriminating pictures of the faculty to students
-Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June
-First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow
-Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform
-There is no ‘open-mike night’ at Hogwarts
-There is no bring a Muggle to school day
-And I should stop insisting there is
-The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support
-I am not to conjure the words ‘DRINK ME’ onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom
-I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of ‘intelligent design’
-The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid
-Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from ‘Phantom of the Opera’
-I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News
-I will not refer to ‘The Grim’ as a nice doggy; I will not refer as such to Remus Lupin, either
-I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as ‘The Chamber of Secrets’
-When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite ‘Fred and George Weasley’ as my greatest influence at Hogwarts
-Putting down ‘Lord Voldemort’ is probably not best either
-I will no longer wear a hood; walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real mother
-I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams
-A Muggle ‘vacuum cleaner’ is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly
-Hogsmeade village is not ‘a wretched hive of scum and villainy’
-Sending rings to the nine senior faculties at Yuletide, with the return address ‘Voldemort’, is not funny
-I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas
-I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord
-Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's ‘Hungry like the Wolf’ around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up ‘Thriller’, either
-Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on the walls is not funny
-I may not have a private army
-Not even if it technically belongs to someone else
-I should not encourage the house-elves to unionize
-Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy
-Portable Swamps are not funny
-Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell First Years that they are
-Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again
-Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts
-Sneaking slugs into Ron's food is not funny. He does not like being reminded of his incident
-I am not the wicked witch of the west
-I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either
-I will not melt if water is poured over me
-Neither will Professor Umbridge
-My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills
-No part of the school uniform is edible
- I am not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible
-I am not allowed to take house points from firsties for ‘being too short’
-I am never, ever to attempt to correct Professor Moody about anything
-I must not refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as ‘Mum’
-Nor Professor Snape
-I am not allowed to prophesize the end of the world more than once
-I will not attempt to sell Hagrid any new creatures
-Especially if I have them
-I will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in Herbology class
-Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens
-I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets
-Especially if it is only a one-way ticket
-I may not challenge prefects to meet me on the Quidditch field at dawn
-I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover
-I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them
-Especially not all of them at once
-The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way and I am to stop insinuating that he is
-I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling during dinner in the winter and cry 'My god, it's full of stars!'
-I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter
-Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'
-I will not insult people and then say I was given Veritaserum
-Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus
-I am not a magical creature
-I am not the reincarnation of Merlin
-Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed
-Grindewald is not my role model
-I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class
-‘All's fair in love and war’ is not an official rule of Hogwarts
-I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names
-I will not attempt to make Professor's Trelawney's predictions come true
-Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of Muggle firearms
-Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research
-Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not
-Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine
-I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes
-Shouting ‘Accio Dobby’ is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance
-It is not necessary for me to yell ‘BURN!’ every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor
-I will not give Professor McGonagall catnip, hairball medicine or string for Christmas, no matter how much I think she will like them
-I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore. Even if it would be amusing
-I will not ask if Professor Lupin has had all his shots, such as rabies. Nor will I ask it of Professor McGonagall
-Please do not tell 1st years that the fried chicken is really Kentucky Fried Owl
-I will not get a Muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark on any part of my body
-I will not tell 1st year Hufflepuff’s that the Dark Lord eats Hufflepuff’s for breakfast or any other meal. And then tell them that if they inform anyone of the warning the Dark Lord will choose them next
-Singing ‘Wild Thing, You Make My Heart Sing’ whenever you see Professor Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it
-I am not to ‘walk on water’ in front of Muggles
-Draco Malfoy is not a vampire
-Especially not a vampire named 'Spike'
-Watching the Food Network is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level Potions classes
-Pinning Confederate flags to the backs of Death Eater masks is not wise
-Voldemort does not wish to appear in a Visine commercial
-Or as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics
-Calling Voldemort ‘Baldemort’ is inappropriate
-I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father
-Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka
-I cannot be a Heffalump Animagus
-Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles
-Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served
-The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result
-I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room
-I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument
-I will not tell first years that ‘any true wizard or witch’ can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they ‘obviously aren't cut out for this school’
-I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher
-I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will merely offend them
-Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of ‘Ferret Boy’
-I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape
-However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it
-If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-Dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume
-I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond
-I am not to call Hogwarts ‘the most covert anti-Death Eater organization on the planet’
-I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the satanic rituals they are learning
-I will not ask Dobby why he doesn't look more like Orlando Bloom
-I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door
-Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable
-Especially if the song is 'I feel pretty’
-Teaching first years to chorus in unison ‘The amazing bouncing ferret’ whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong
-A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy
-Asking Harry how his parents are doing is just cruel
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