Just Started Cutting

[wiccan of the moon]

I don't know why, but last night my will power broke. I started cutting the upper part of my legs with a pair of scissors. Then, this morning i did it again, then after school. It's like i'm not controlling my own body when i do it. I don't understand. And the terrible thing is, something in my conscious doesn't want me to stop. Help?  

[wiccan of the moon]

Semi-good news. I only get the urge to cut when i'm stressed out. and the bad news is, i always follow that urge. has it ever just felt natural to anyone?  

[Kris O-O]

Don't cut. Just... focus on something else besides those scissors. What are you stressed about?  

[wiccan of the moon]

*sigh* i don't even know. I started using a knife not long ago. It just feels good. It's like i said, i don't seem to control my own body when i do it, that's why i can't fight it... sad  

[Kris O-O]

That's bullsh*t. You can control it because it is YOUR body. How and the hell can cutting help stop pain? I mean, cutting yourself is pain. Like.. seriously, it's really pointless when you actually think about it. And yes, you can fight it. Otherwise, if you don't, you'll end up doing it, and then it'll become an addiction. No one wants that.  

[wiccan of the moon]

Yeah, but the thing is...i like the pain. I haven't felt much physical pain in seven years around the end of this month. I like being able to feel pain. That's probably the only reason that i don't want to stop. If you didn't feel pain for near seven years, would you want to? The only pain i get is in my ankle and a bit in my back. Life sucks without pain...i get punched in the stomach; no pain, someone twists my arm the wrong way; no pain, even a nail going halfway into my foot didn't bring much pain. That and stress is what started me cutting. I don't think i'll ever get addicted; i've got too much will power for that, it's just i'm not sure what to do.... I can't tell my parents; they will put me in rehab and i got too much going on for rehab to get in the way. I just don't know what to do. I just love the pain way too much, and last night i did a job on my stomach.... soo not cool.... sad  

[Kris O-O]

-_-'
Then freakin grab a skateboard and fall on purpose.

Cutting really pisses me off, and im not an angry person. But hearing you say you actually like the pain, it's a bit weird. Ughh.. I don't know what to really say... I mean, if you were cutting just because you LIKE pain, then it's not just that, is it? People cut for different reasons, not just because they like pain. What's the real reason?  

[wiccan of the moon]

my life is pretty much hell if you must know... i'll give you a few reasons/ examples.
one: i watched couples all summer and it p****d me off cause i've never even had a bf and i'm sick of watching idiots kiss.
two: i'm confined to my house unless it's church or school.
three: i have no friends
four: i'm constantly picked on
five: i'm the most hated girl in school
six: i'm overweight and i can't take it anymore
seven: if i hear one more joke about me dating some a*****e in my school i'm gonna murder someone
eight: i watch video games when i'm not in school and i hate those f****n things.

and i think i'd better stop there.  

[Kris O-O]

:/

One: Be happy your single, because being single is great.
Two: I wish I would be confined to my house, but i'm not. Find something fun to do at your house, or just tell your parents that you wanna go out and have fun.
Three: Everyone has atleast one friend. If not, then atleast you have family.
Four: Ignore those a** holes, because I know what it feels like to be picked on.
Five: I seriously doubt if your the most hated girl in school, and if you are, f**k the a** holes that think that. You need to be your own person, and be happy with who you are, don't let those bast*rds get in your way.
Six: Who cares if your overweight? If your REALLY down about your weight, exercise and get healthier.
Seven: Like I said, ignore them and listen to your I-pod. Block them out. Their just trying to get you down. If they see that it gets you down, then they'll keep doing it.
Eight: I don't even know what you hardly said about video games. I mean, if you hate watching them, don't watch them. Read a book, do something else.

Don't turn to self-harm, because it'll just f**k you up in the long run.  

[wiccan of the moon]

Thanks man. That actually helped. All but the videogame thing. I'm always reading. in the last 3 years i've read like, 200 books. (even over the summer)
And self-injury isn't the only thing that can f*** you up. i've seen family deaths destroy people. actually, after someone died my family rarely got together and it's the same to this day. and i'm sorry if what i do pisses you off.
the most hated girl in school is true, my weight doesn't bug as much as it used to. and as for liking pain, when you live without it for so long, you'll do almost anything to get it back. that last part, you may not understand, but i do. 6 years without pain is long enough.... cry  

[Kris O-O]

Well, I guess I can't stop you, but if you ever need anyone to talk with, just send me a PM.

And btw.. I know what it feels like to lose a close family member. I lost my older brother, and my parents split up.

...Im still not over it, and i'll never be over it. There's always gonna be a hole in my heart where he's the only one who can fill it.  

[wiccan of the moon]

Kris O-O

Well, I guess I can't stop you, but if you ever need anyone to talk with, just send me a PM.

And btw.. I know what it feels like to lose a close family member. I lost my older brother, and my parents split up.

...Im still not over it, and i'll never be over it. There's always gonna be a hole in my heart where he's the only one who can fill it.

Oh... cry sorry, and for some reason, i quit cutting as much, i'm gonna quit pretty soon...

i feel so bad for you. crying and thank you for the help.  

[Panyris]

Kris O-O

That's bullsh*t. You can control it because it is YOUR body. How and the hell can cutting help stop pain? I mean, cutting yourself is pain. Like.. seriously, it's really pointless when you actually think about it. And yes, you can fight it. Otherwise, if you don't, you'll end up doing it, and then it'll become an addiction. No one wants that.

You obviously aren't a cutter. It's a bit more complex than what you think. . .