Tingy's Tale

[Tingy]

So its been over a year since my bypass and the best I got down to was about 157. Thats pretty impressive when you consider the 300 i used to be right question But, sadly this is not enough to keep the Tingy happy happy joy joy. No in fact its pissing my 5'3" frame off. It doesnt do any better when I look at my boyfriend, my lover, my true friend and see... a perfectly cut stick figure that is growing his hair out to rock god ness and is loved by almost everyone, even more so the girls we are around.

He tells me all the time i'm perfect and that I dont need to lose anything else... But i can't take looking up at him... (he's 6'6") and thinking "we look like the number ten." I feel so fat around all of his little 115lb girl friends. I'm so tired of feeling like he should be with someone else. It truly has started getting to me. I mean its not fair... I'm the girl! I should be the pretty one here damn it!

So today when I wake up (dont ask) I am going to crack down again. Its back to running, and situps and leg crunches and more bull s**t. I want to lose about 45 to 50 more pounds... or at least get down to a size 6. Currently I am wearing a size 10p and wear it very well i dare say! Still by may I want to have at least gotten myself to a size 8. My mother has just informed me this will never happen... Thanks for believing in me mom.

Truly its the fear of losing him that makes me want it so badly. After what I went through with my ex... I just dont think my heart could take someone else walking out on me and the fact that these skinny beautiful women are climbing all over him... I refuse to let some bimbo walk away with the one person who litlerally knocked me into his lap.  

[Tingy]

okay i have too much to say...

Where was I? Oh yes... No bimbo in their right mind is going to even think about taking the man that put me back together after what Shaven did to me. The only man who told me i make his heart race and looking at me makes him believe he can love again. The only one to ever call me by my real name during sex.

So whats a Tingy to do? Well i think I am going to start my morning with a nice brisk jog after a small warm up of corse. And then its on to a small vegi breakfast with maybe an egg or something... not really sure. All i know is no more soda or energy drinks... just water for a while. Until I can learn to limit the intake.

I think I am going to start back at the gym as well that might be a good thing... just to sweat out some stress... time to charge the ipod!  

[Tingy]

EPIC FAIL!

I hate the holiday left overs and the 99 cent only store. They taunt you and your i want to be thinner mode. What with rockstars alluring can of yummy ness and coffees bitter give me sugar kisses, lets not mention half and half creamy killing grip of doom! Why does all that gives me joy gives me pounds of crap on my hips and thighs?! *cracks open a pixie stick*

I think I have a more serious problem then I thought. I just dont understand why It was so easy to walk away before but now its almost impossible. Its as if my lifestyle is out to get me... you know whats really yummy carmel apple slices and sausage! Wow that will give you some indication of what the holidays will do to this coffee house maniac! Not to mention a rockstar sounds really good!

My will power is nothing! Hate myself... *sigh* gonk

So what now? Well forgive yourself and start over obviously! And back I go into oblivion to fight the good fight! Give me some coffee and my hat please!  

[Lady Schist]

Are there times when your will power is better and worse?

For example, I do certain things that just kill my will power, since I stopped them, I've been better with the will power.

And I'm in the same boat having a sexy pants lover who loves me no matter what. How supportive is he? My fiance wasn't very supportive in helping me at first, I had to really beg him to make him understand how important this is for me, your lover might be thinking that you're giving up certain foods or trying to change your life, not for you but for him, and that tends to make a good man feel guilty.

Don't hate yourself. BAD *thwack*

If you indulge, or over indulge, or whatever, you have to get up, give yourself a tap on the nose and keep going the way you want to. Don't indulge yourself in guilt and self pity. That's what gets you into messes in the first place hun.

Edit: Also, I didn't catch your bit saying what I originally said here, ^ I'm leaving it though, it should be repeated all the time to *everyone*.

You'll do very well.  

[Tingy]

Well today was not such a bad time. I just need to get myself under a sense of control and hearing that my "puppy" has to find a new place to live at the end of the week and has decided he needs to go back to ohio for a week or two isnt helping. I miss spending my nights with him and I need to get the eating under control or I am not going to handle when he goes away.

I don't mean to gorge but when i'm not with him i get a tension in my jaw that screams eat! eat! cookie candy coffee rice butter cream potato chip salt yummy soda soda give me give me now!

Then for the past few nights I have been having a reacurring dream about waking up next to my ex. I cant take it... I dont know if i can handle being alone.  

[Tingy]

So now I am on my own, my "puppy" has gone to ohio for another week or so. In his place is a screaming hunger. I am fighting a few different demons here.

First is the lonelyness without him here to hug me and tell me that its all okay. To tell me i'm the girl he wants to hold. I miss him telling me I have a beautiful body, me never believing him of course but its him telling me that. It keeps me striving for his aproval. One of these days he is going to look at me and tell me that i am perfect. That will be all i need.

The next is not being able to have a job has me all kinds of depressed and bored but mostly hungry... Eating to just eat i supose, its almost routine.

The last is all the feelings for my ex that are sneaking up on me. eeeeeek