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My BlAcK sTaR sHiNe

PostPosted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 2:37 pm
Note:

Yes, this is a vampire story, but i'm trying to make it old school, no Edward Cullen here. And it isnt just vampires, its all sorts of mythical creatures, its jsut a vampire telling the story. hope you enjoy


ALSO A BIT GORY!!!!!


Preface

The smell of the human flesh infuriated my nostrils. I licked my aching lips several times as I moved through the club at a steady human pace. Just one person. That’s all I needed to be satisfied. One, delicious, mouth watering girl. I spied her in the corner; her with the long flowing auburn hair. She would be next. I strode over in that direction. Buy her a drink, that’s all it took. I caressed the small of her back as I approached and flashed my smile at her, I could hear her precious heartbeat start to flutter madly.

“Can I buy you a drink?” She was gorgeous. Luscious pink lips that parted to show perfectly straight, white teeth, nicely tanned skin that contrasted to look like caramel against my pale flesh, absolutely perfect.

She ran a finger down my chest and turned to look at me full on. “Well, I think that would be a splendid idea.” She snaked her hand around my waist and led me back to the bar. Right about now, I would have been asking myself the question, How can I get this girl laid before the end of the night? But that was far from the question now. The real question was How can I get this girls squirming vocal chords down my throat before the end of the night?

“Actually” I said smoothly, pulling her more towards the tiny green exit sign hanging lopsided above the double doors that were propped open. “I was thinking of something a bit stronger then just a beer.” She grinned and glanced back at the group she had once been with before I towed her out into the chilly night. She laughed and started to get a bit kinky as I led her into a dark alleyway. This wouldn’t have bothered me in the least—besides that fact that I was starving.

I pressed her against a wall and she started to kiss me, unbeknownst to her what a terrible mistake such actions were. I didn’t hesitate to kiss her back; my venom soaking into her oh so precious skin that she most likely fake baked. I licked her neck, waiting just a bit longer for her own pleasure to arise a bit before I finally did strike—Biting deep into her neck. She was speechless as I started to slowly tare away the outside layers, trying desperately to get to the blood inside. Me tongue lapped up the blood as it started to spill down her skin. I found her veins in her neck and started slurping them up like spaghetti. This was the life. This was dinner fit for a king.




Home Sweet Home

Home was the farthest thing from sweet. The only sweet thing in the entire building was dried spots of blood on people clothes. Not many other sweet things in a place full of us demons people called mythical. I was personally considered the outcast from this twisted group some would call family—the only vampire.

The outside didn’t even look sweet I assessed as I strode through the blackened night. My feet sifted the gravel walk and bits of the rocks flew into the weed infested dirt. The house couldn’t even pose a reasonable yard. People of the neighborhood claimed it was haunted by ghosts—with broken windows, creaky wood, eerie sounds—little did they know just how correct they were.

As I pushed through the single hinged door, I kept quiet, as I usually did. Silence was the key factor to my solitude in this cursed house. I passed by all my ‘brothers and sisters’ as I headed to the basement where my lair was.

Jasmine, a way too flirtatious ghost, was the only person who ever tried to really get through to me.

“Good evening Trayson!” she chimed, pretending to link my solid and her un-solid arms together. I walked a bit faster, making her slide right through me. “or is it morning already?” she flicked her once chocolaty brow hair—now a deep blues like the rest of her—over her shoulder.

“Who even cares?” I retorted. I walked through the door way to my room and slammed the door in her face which did little as she pranced in through the wall. “Go away.” I snapped as she started to tinker with my swords and other weapons that sat casually among the shelves lining the perimeter of the room.

“so what were you doing tonight party boy?” she paraded over to me as I walked down the three large steps into a lowered pit in my floor where stacks and stacks of books were scattered everywhere around a black velvet arm chair. I picked up a thick maroon leather bound book that was falling apart.

“feeding.” I breathed out as I flipped through the book. “Now get out.”

Jasmine perched atop a pile of books and drew circles in the air with her hand. I ignored her and started reading the page I was looking for;


Ghost Haunting
*How to rid a haunting ghost of a room or building
1. Locate ghost
2. In a polite manner, ask said ghost;
“[Name], would you please discontinue your haunting in this [Room/building]”




I looked up at Jasmine and tried my hardest to smile. “Jasmine, would you please discontinue your haunting in this lair.”

Her pale blue bottom lip jutted out stubbornly as I watched her start to float to the closest exit. She couldn’t control weather she stayed to drive me insane—more then I already was—now that I had commanded her to leave. It was ghost law to obey those words. “You’re no fun Trayson.” She sounded like she was going to cry. I felt absolutely no sympathy for her as she disappeared through the wall and I picked up the book again and thumbed to the vampire section. I looked at the head count again that a vampire was legally aloud to kill a year. Twenty-eight people. Approximately a person every thirteen days. Enough to survive.

“Damn…” I said under my breath. Tonight had been at least number forty-five… and it wasn't even October yet.





Breakfast for Seven

“Trayson” called Jasmine through my door, pulling me from my book. I glanced up at the clock on the wall and noted that it was almost six in the morning. “Breakfast is ready.” I rolled my eyes as I slammed the book shut and pushed through the door and past Jasmine irritably. There really was no point in going to breakfast. I was the only person who actually couldn’t—politely—eat breakfast with the rest of the household. But I went none the less.

Jasmine was silent as she followed me up the stairs. She was most likely still upset with me for banning her from my lair. As we entered the kitchen, everyone was shoved around the table angrily trying to get their food. Jasmine slid onto a chair that was already occupied—seeing as how the occupant didn’t notice—and stared off into no mans land. I slinked behind everyone to the darkest corner of the room. The sun was giving me a migraine as it blared through the windows leading out back.

“Pass the Peaches! Damian! Pass the peaches!” called out one of the centaurs named Xander. He was the biggest of the five centaurs living in the house and by far the most vocal. His grey horse body seemed serene at first—then you really got to know him.

I assessed the table slowly. As I always did, with nothing better to do. Xander, Damian, Elizabeth, Kaine, and Seth were centaurs. They were considered the omnivores of the house along with the satyrs Stephen and Jeymer. The fairies and elves were the herbivores—vegetarians. There were three of them, two madly in love fairies and the elf. The ghosts—five permanent—would be considered the anorexic ones seeing as how they couldn’t eat anyways. The werewolves were carnivores and of course, that left me, the seventh species. Well I was just considered a cannibal.

“Good morning” Falon, the elf, being the leader or ‘parent’ of the establishment, said to me. I stared at him for a cold long second before he gave up trying to socialize with me and returned to bustling around the kitchen. It disgusted me how bright and cheery everyone was. Absolutely gut-wrenching. They all laughed and smiled and joked as if they weren’t damned souls stuck on earth for eternity. Even if I was the most damned soul of them all, it still wasn’t fair that I should suffer while they didn’t.

Jasmine stared at me from the corner of her vision and I glared at her hatefully. She quickly looked away and I was grateful I could sit and watch in peace—like the invisible person I really was. Even though I had fed well last night, I still had an overwhelming urge to rip someone’s throat out. I’m such a monster…

I silently slinked away from the table and down to my lair, trying to block out the shouts the centaurs were making in an attempt to rally up a game of some kind. I would go out tonight, I’d try not to hunt, but I needed fresh air again, weather I could actually breathe it in or not.  
PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 10:16 am
"I found her veins in her neck and started slurping them up like spaghetti."

This sentence fills me with all kinds of wriggly glee. =D  

Nemora

Jeering Codger


My BlAcK sTaR sHiNe

PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 3:29 pm
lol after writing it i wanted to go eat some spaggetti mrgreen  
PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 7:03 pm
updated  

My BlAcK sTaR sHiNe


Stelle Cadenti
Captain

Prophet

PostPosted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 2:59 pm
heart heart

I love the ending of it right now.

Quote:
Tonight had been at least number forty-five… and it wasn't even October yet.


hehehe...  
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 9:15 am
Uptated again. thanks for reading so far, andthe comments lol  

My BlAcK sTaR sHiNe


Stelle Cadenti
Captain

Prophet

PostPosted: Tue Dec 23, 2008 4:19 pm
They must have one heck of a big kitchen to fit 5 centaurs... eek  
PostPosted: Tue Dec 30, 2008 12:31 pm
hahahaha! heck yeah!  

My BlAcK sTaR sHiNe


Shallarinath
Crew

PostPosted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 7:13 pm
So, how do all of these Mythical creatures and such live in such close quarters and not get noticed by humans? Even more important, how do they manage to get along with each other?!  
PostPosted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 6:18 pm
Awh. Poor little Vampire. You'll make some friends eventually. <3

Very nice. I like the way the story moves and how Trayson conflicts within his own mind about what he is. Good solid story you have here.

I'd just say to fix capitalization errors [Sorry, OCD.]. But that's about it.

Jasmine makes me giggle. :3  

Shinigami-Acorn


writerprincess29

PostPosted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 7:03 pm
Poor little vampire. I like how he has a lot of internal conflict and sees himself as the most cursed of all. I also like Jasmine, even though she tends to annoy Trayson. Damn...five ceters that must be one big kitchen. That must be a huge house to hold all of those creatures. I like how Trayson is a bit of a jerk, but also has a vulnerable side that makes him likable. He is one tortured soul isn't he.

Dang it, now I want to eat something red  
PostPosted: Sun May 10, 2009 10:27 am
I really liked it, but one question how can all those mythical creatures suvive in one house yelling and running around wit no one noticing  

ash_nite1


DreamingRoses1224

PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2009 3:17 pm
Pretty good. The story is certainly interesting, as well as the characters. I love the "i hate everything" attitude. You give the character a modern edge but keep to the old traditions.

Honestly though, you need to work on a few things:
A) the way you sentance things. It doesn't flow well, and has your readers pausing to figure it out.
EX: instead of "The outside didn't even look sweet I assessed as I strode through the blackened night." try "Even the outside doesn't look sweet, I assessed as I strode through the blackened night."
B)you might want to look over some spelling.
EX: It's "wether or not" not "weather or not"

That's all the critique I can offer you. I hope it helps...  
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