40k and fantasy stories

[Blood Raven777]

Take a read at this part of the story, know that this story being edited at the moment so maybe next time it will be changed or longer, thx

That night they camped in a clearing with a good three hundred yard radius of the forest, they setup sentries around the camp and few archers stayed in the forest in case of some uninvited guests.
The tent flap opened and a head was struck in, “My lady we have company coming this way” said her captain.
“Thank you captain” she says has she left her tent, she listened to the wind and in the air carried a fight coming this way, “where is the sentries captain.”
“Went to the sound of the fight” as she said that the sentries came back carrying wounded not elves but men in uniforms, “who are they I wonder” said the captain.
“Form up the archers now” she shouted, “whoever is coming will taste Elvin arrows”, she built up her powers and sent a flare into the air showing bandits, someone shouted “release” arrows shot out at the bandits and they charged the elves, running on the fallen and behind came the rest of the army catching them in a pincer attack. The bandits surrendered to the army and the commander walked to Lady Gene.
“Thank you for your assistance in the capture of these cut-throats, thieves and murderers, I am Sergeant Grant of the Talabheim army and you are” he said.
“I am Lady Gene of the house of Dragoon, we are here looking for our lost kin, you wouldn‘t have seen them would you, Sergeant” Gene said.
“Afraid not ma’am, we are just back from our patrol, our patrol to ok one month to get to here where they attacked caravans en-route to the city, that would be the third this week they have attacked” he said.
“Thank you anyway Sergeant, now we must see to our wounded as you must do to yours” she says, she holds out her hand and her staff comes to her. He stood staring at her and shook his head wondering, as he walking he asked himself “Can this be the lady my lord was dreamt off”, as the sergeant walked off she found that three of the swordmasters had died defending her so they built up a pyre and burned the bodies. All the warriors, men and elves stood in silence paying respect to the brave elves that had died protecting their Lady.  

[Lady Blodwynn]

This has been mentioned before, but you need to work on your punctuation, spelling, structuring of sentences and well, how you tell your story.

This doesn't make a lot of sense really and by claiming that it is part of a story you really are taking a cheap way out in not explaining anything.  

[Blood Raven777]

i know what you are saying but it's part of a story i'm doing, it will either be deleted or edited some time down the line, but anyone else who has read the story so far has said they have enjoyed the read  

[Lady Blodwynn]

You need to pad things out, make it more descriptive. Not just let things suddenly happen.  

[Blood Raven777]

thx for that, when i think of the lines and go back over them i will change them, i know it doesn't look good but i am only starting to write like this so i will be slow at the start  

[Blood Raven777]

After the Captain heard the story, he was silent for a few minutes then came out of it, “That was doesn’t sound like space marines I know off, and I have been round a few hundred years, never heard off them to be honest. We they be coming to help out in this battle”
“I don’t know they always turn up when we fight traitors, so they may do. Only the Emperor knows” Jack said, as he was about to pray when Simon voxed him to tell him that the reinforcements were two hours ahead off schedule, “very good Simon are the preparations done yet or do we need more time” he got a yes answer but he was walking with the Colonel at the time so he couldn’t answer properly. With that he signed off and bowed before the statue of the God-Emperor, to Captain Pennon then walked out and to the hangar deck where the men are preparing the celebration of the arrival and departure off friends Cadia style, in other means getting drunk and having fun before entering a battle that most likely will be their last, they would go out with at bang.
“Simon where are you taking me and my men, we have to get ready for departure from here to Cadia, we maybe put on high alert in case of the enemy being nearer than expected, are you even listening to me” he asked as they were walking towards the hangar deck, he saw most of his men walking into the hangar, the others were sensible to stay where they were, he wished he done the same. As they walked in the doors automatically shut behind him then a blinding light hit him from somewhere in front of him, “who is there, answer me”
“Look at this gentlemen and ladies, how the mighty have fallen, he is going to miss out on all the fun” he was answered with cheering, “they think the same as me Dax”
“Jack, what the hell are you on about, where are my men……..you didn’t throw them out an airlock did you………you vile b*****d” he ran at him, missing him trying to tackle him to the floor like an enraged bull, “when I get my hands on you, you will be sorry” but before he could say anything else the light went off him and the main lights came on, he was sitting on the floor wide eyes and looked around. He saw his regiment, well most of his regiment there. He got off the floor and looked at the smug look on his friend’s face, “I bet this was your doing you little s**t” he smiled and shook his hand.
“You are going to enjoy yourself here my friend” he hands him a drink and then shouted, “LET THE PARTY BEGIN”, he walked towards the drinks and saw the happy faces around him, “look at their faces my friend, this may be the last time they see each other and I would like them to be happy times, we are facing greenskins” he said, gulped some drink down his throat, “some of us won’t be back to see that traitor abaddon getting his a** kicked by our friends” he went onto a table and was helped to the speaker, “GLORY FOR THE CADIAN 205TH AND THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND” he got the same back from the men in the hangar.
It was some time in the hangar that the men were getting drunk and having a good laugh at this, some were talking about the battles they had before meeting here, others were talking about how they fought beside the others in past battles, having arm wrestling matches, drinking competitions and other stuff. The commissar was drunk, dancing half naked on the highest speaker and laughing his head off, Jack saw him and burst out laughing on the spot but someone caught his eye, thou he was drunk, he never saw his 2nd in command in a dress before now and his mouth dropped like a ton of plascrete, he took a drink and went to join her, “you should be having fun not loughing around here, it’s rude you know that” he said to her.
“You’re drunk” she said to him turning away.
“Yeah I know, Colonel look around you, what’s the likely hood of these men seeing each other again, look at the Commissar, he has loosen up a tad, can’t the famous Hellhound also do the same”, she stopped and looked at him, but he was looking at others, the men and women of the 507th were having fun, Rose did the same then asked something that made him stop for a second.
“Would you like to dance with me Jack” she asked him and using his name in a soft feline voice for once.
“The honour would be mine, Rose”, he took her hand and lead her to the dance floor and danced with her but in the corner someone had seen this and turned red with jealously, she wanted to be with the general this night, he was drunk enough to do anything to him. He sat in the corner watching, his interrogator was having fun for once in her life, dancing with Hawkeye, he was also watching the General, like the female trooper he also wanted the general for himself, like the time in the hotel room, that memory brought a smile on his face.