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Midnight Light: Regret Kills

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Cyrus von Helson

PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 3:37 pm
I'm writing a book right now and I've got the characters basically firgured out, wrote out a plot outline and have teh setting notes all done. So I wrote the preface.

The book is called 'Midnight Light: Regret Kills' becuase it's about a group called the Order of the White Raven, and what happaned was tha tthe founder had discovered that our world and another -dubbed the Shadow World- have places where they get close and actually touch, allowign for certain supernatureal thigns to get through.

As most of these are harmful to the human race he made an order dedicated to fighting them in the shadows. The book follows one team of that order called The Midnight Light as they combat a creature that they have named the Boogie Man becuase of his white jumpsuit and mask wearing appearance.

I've got alot of ideas for this but I want to get your feed back so please comment and tell me what i could improve on or what you think is really good, or just your thoughts in general. Don't worry about hurting my feelings and crap liek that, I'm pretty secure in my writing so as long as it's spacific and not just 'It sucks big ones' then I won't simply be rude and tell you to go and choke on that thing you call a brain.

Okay? Thank you!


Midnight Light: Regret Kills

Preface

The shadow flitted across the ground and into the gouged out mountain cave, the entrance nearly completely hidden behind vegetation. “Spotted, pull in, we end this tonight.” Dropping the arm that had the mike in its sleeve he gripped his handgun. Finally the murders would end. He was glad that the wind had blown their scent away; the moon’s shadows would be of little help against that.

Sirius approached the den; it must have been some long forgotten mining shaft. He resisted the urge to cover his mouth. He recognized that smell. Rotting flesh. Four more shadows joined him; their trench coats silver marks reflected the moonlight well. “How are we going to do this?” One of the taller figures asked stepping forward. Her trench had two black ribbons attached to her left silver arm guard. A hilt of a sword poked out from underneath the coat. It seemed like it was only resting there, hoping it would get pulled again from its sheath.

“Let loose a fire storm, we’ll shower it from the entrance so we won’t have to worry about the fangs.”

One of the more burly figures chuckled. “We’ll also not have to get our fingers dirty. Going to be another boring night then.”

“Felix shut up.” The women snapped at the offending party.

“Right Lieutenant!” It seemed like another joke but he saluted none the less.

“Captain?”

“Thank you Annalise, take up places around the entrance, fire on my mark.” Most of them produced hand guns, only one rifle seemed to be present.

“All ready sir.”

“Fire!” A hail of gun fire sounded, the short red bursts clashing with the moon’s silver reverence. The cave had resounded their shots thrice over, sending back a deafening din, but they kept on firing.

“Lights.” Two of them clicked on flash lights and peered into the cave. There was a good amount of dust but they could see the back, it must have collapsed well before they were there. They could also see the evidence that they had indeed found the murder’s den. The mostly devoured corpses that were strewn around on the cave’s floor were bluntly stating that. They looked as if a starved loin had gotten a hold of them and gorged.

“No body chief.” Felix stated dully. “Lest not the one we want…”

“It’s got to be hiding, keep your wits up-“ Almost to mock the irony the Hound’s red eyes opened right above them, it had been lazily waiting for them at the roof of the cave. Now it dropped down right onto Felix, sending them both crashing to the floor with a crunch.

It was like a grey hound; only the fur was thin and seemed to stand on end. Its face an alien twist between a cat’s and a human’s perched on a twice too long neck. Its paws ended in cruel looking hooks –which curved right down onto the sergeant’s chest. Where a dog had five toes, this thing only had three. It snapped right in Felix’s face, glowing red eyes dancing with a type of madness unknown.

Sirius fired off two rounds in quick secession. The Lieutenant had rushed in, knowing Sirius’s habit of two shots, and slammed the butt of the sword into the monster’s side, with a yelp and a shove it toppled off of Felix. “Now it’s getting interesting!” He was up in a crouch, two knuckles dusters suddenly in his hands.

“Stand down Sergeant! We can’t risk it smelling blood-” The hound lunged, its claws racking into Felix’s arm. The blood ran quick and thick down his arm, drenching his coat and dripping onto the already blood stained floor.
“Ah s**t.”

As impossible as it was the Hound’s eyes grew more red and more crazed. Bloodlust making its hair stand even more on end. Again it lunged, this time the canines in its mouth ripped forward, springing forth from its gums with a violent intensity. Felix’s arms went up in a reflex.

Annelise’s katana had found the Hound’s heart in a stop thrust maneuver, at the last minute impaled on the silver thorn. She had pushed the sergeant out of harm’s way just in time. The Hound continued snapping, it’s fangs barely inches from her face. Another shot and it was over.

Withdrawing her sword she had out the cloth to clean it in instant, rust would never befallen her precious Execution. With a sigh Sirius lowered the hand gun. “Well done Lieutenant, brilliant movements on your part.”

“Thank you Captain.” She said, inspecting the blade before returning it to its sheath. “God only knows how much worse our work would get around here if we let it eat him. Still tempting though… I could do with a few less migraines…”

“Thanks, love you bunches too Anna.”

“Now knock it off you two.” The gun had returned to its holster. “Always bickering, you’d think you were married.”
“So, whose turn is it to get rid of the body?” Felix asked, wrapping his arm up from a strip ripped of off his shirt. It seemed he was ignoring the last comment.

Annalise smiled and said, “You owe me.” She slapped his arm before walking out of the cave.

Felix looked to Sirius, hoping for some assistance from his superior. “She has a point.” He said with a smile and a shrug.

He grumbled, pulling out the thick sheet to wrap up the body and carry it all the way back down to the mountain side. “You do know my arm’s still bleeding right?” They laughed.

“Get over it Felix, you heal even quicker than we do!” The one with the rifle said, his face marked him as not a boy, but not yet a man. By his laugh he wasn’t quite ready to grow up yet any way. Felix didn’t bother checking his arm, he knew they were right but still!

“Thanks guys, all for one my a**…”

Alright so tell me what you think ^^  
PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 9:47 am
It sounds cool. You've got tension in there and also humour, which is a good thing. It's entertaining 3nodding  

Shadow__Dweller
Vice Captain


Cyrus von Helson

PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 3:31 pm
Thank you
Any suggestions though?
(Sorry if I sound ungrateful XP )
 
PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 9:01 am
I dunno what to suggest because it depends on what the rest of your story is about. As an introductory passage it's pretty good because it gives you an overall feel for the rest of the story and the characters. I'd have to read more to suggest anything I guess..or know what you were planning to write about next.  

Shadow__Dweller
Vice Captain

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