one of my newest .. poems

[Izlin]

i wrote a new poem, and i would like everyones opinion on it!, ok well this is it.


Jigsaw Puzzle

my life is like a jigsaw puzzle.
I am the improperly manufactured piece that comes in every box.
You put your puzzle together so it looks complete,
but when you get to the end there is one piece left,
one piece that should fit,
but is misshapen.
so to try to make your puzzle of a life look perfect,
You push me,bend me, squeeze me, and smash me so i fit.
In the end your life is perfect, but i am the piece,
the piece that is broken and destroyed.  

[Izlin]

so please tell me what you think, i am curious of what others think about it! xp and dont worry about feelings being hurt, there are none available. whee and criticism is OH SO HELPFUL and necessary. 4laugh  

[Shadow__Dweller]

I like the concept of it, it's interesting how you've objectified yourself into the jigsaw piece 3nodding What I'd suggest to improve the poem would be to try and put a rhythem in it. I know that can be hard but I think it would improve the poem if you could sort of have a regular beat in the lines..like say..10 syllables on every line, and then for just a few single lines of the poem have one syllable extra, so that it's an uneven number, so that the line feels wrong and uncomfortable, like an extra piece that's left out wink  

[Izlin]

ok, ill try to work on it and see how i do. >.< THANKS!  

[Shadow__Dweller]

felillia

ok, ill try to work on it and see how i do. >.< THANKS!

smile I look forward to reading it.  

[Izlin]

it might take a little while tho i have to work alot and its hard for meh to re-do stuff... crying  

[Shadow__Dweller]

Don't worry about it. wink  

[Rose_the_Angel_of_Death]

me like poem  

[Cyrus von Helson]

I agree with Shadow. I love the concept, it's just the fundamentals of the peom's archetecture are askew. So if you fix the rythem I think it shall be truely imperfect, becuse the greatest things are the ones that refuse to conform, and that's the heart of you poem. 3nodding