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 Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 11:10 am
GATES OF HELL
Once here, but since forgotten
In this life, feeling rotten
Hatred wields it's ugly claw
For each of these mortal flaws
The hole is opened, take me in
Swallow me in your darkened grin
Close it up, no turning back
Deep into this abyss of black
I give to you, my bloody wrist
Caught inside a fatal twist
Take from me, the air I breathe
Drag me under, deep beneath
A place where light does not exist
Where the dark I can't resist
Locked within the gates of hell
Here my darkness, I will dwell
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Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 11:42 pm
I really enjoy it. It's got that sense of flow that is lacking in many so called 'poems' that are thrown around in poetry slams these days. The rhyming works excellently with what you're trying to convey.
Some tips (some of them I need to start implementing myself): alliteration is awesome, and is another way you can make your poem flow. Maybe twist up the rhyming scheme a little, but maintain a sense of balance (it's really, really hard I know, but it pays off). Furthermore, if you want to get really fancy, you can go, and try to make repeating consonants in words so that they just seem to roll of the tongue. ('the rolling lyre's alliterated luster' [I know that doesn't make sense, but it's just an example] would be kind of what I'm talking about.)
But yeah, really great work, and I can't wait to see more. Definitely better than most poems I have read.
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Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 9:44 pm
heart wow thats so deep !
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Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 4:16 pm
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Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 1:46 pm
Very good. It's dark and a little ominous. I think it's great.
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Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 7:07 pm
Nice!
I like the imagery and feeling I got from it, it sort of made my breath catch in my lungs for a second.
Good job. smile
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Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 7:08 pm
Oh, you also managed to combine the words "bloody" and "wrist' without making your poem sound stereotypically emo. Congratulations on pulling it off!
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