»SimP is likely INSANE.« [INSANITY 28SEPT-27NOV]

[Stars in my Pocket]

I think I'm getting really burned out teaching, school, etc. Oh well, gotta keep pushing for success I guess. Blah.

IN:
Breakfast: jimmy dean d-light + honey + vitamin + water
Snack: strawberries + oatmeal + water
Lunch: chicken breast + water
Snack: too many gummy bears!
Dinner: chicken pieces h.c. meal

OUT:
coaching riding, grooming, riding, walked 2 miles.

Ok so I didn't eat a proper snack, and I didn't plan well so I ended up eating like 500 calories in gummy bears. I didn't go too high over as far as calories went, but I like to keep meals to about 300 calories and then snacks, too. We were out of healthy choice meals when I woke up so blah.
Also my first snack was like another meal which is bad. >: But now I have plenty of h.c. meals so I'll be on track from now on.

My face has started breaking out again, I've been off birth control for about 4 months and that was keeping my skin gorgeous. So now I got the clean & clear 3-step thing, so hopefully I can beautify myself in areas other than weight, too! I've started painting my nails (even though I work at a barn and they chip after like a day) because I'm practicing being a lady, and not just existing. I want to love myself!

39 Days.
122.6lbs.
+7.6 from goal.

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[Stars in my Pocket]

PERSONAL DUMP:
Ok, so I'm not going to admit anything because I'm stubborn and logical and refuse to even entertain the ideas of the feelings which I am feeling. Blargh. It's lovely and horrible at the same time, and I love the highs but seriously, the chances of anything working out are so small it's really depressing. I've known him for what, 4 years? And he's been here for me through everything. Asdfjh. We talk on the phone constantly and skype and text etc. but the one snag is that I've never met him in person. Which is why my brain is like FUUUCKKK THIS, but people are people, right? I'm the same person that I am here, and I'm certainly the same over telephone/skype, but it's just confusing and frustrating. I've got a lot of self-esteem issues and I don't even know if he'd like me, or if I should pursue it, but I'm planning on visiting him + a few friends in WI this summer, in 6-ish weeks, so I'm scared and excited. I'll be okay, right? I just need reassurance. ._.  

[Stars in my Pocket]

Back to where I was on Saturday weight-wise. Awesome, finally.

IN:
Breakfast: h.c. chicken and herbs meal (was rushing)
Snack: none ):
Lunch: wendy's chive potato
Snack:
Dinner: h.c. breaded chicken meal

OUT:
riding an hour, putting away feed (50lb bags), 30+ lady pushups, 8-minute abs, walked 3.6 miles (60mins).

UGH I HATE HAVING PLANS AT LUNCHTIME. 'Cause I have to skip, or go fast food with the people I'm with. -_____- Oh well, I'm going to try to pack like, oatmeal or something.
Edit; no packing, ended up getting a baked potato. Not the end of the world I guess.

Also wow, hit 1100 calories and didn't eat that much. Sour cream isn't great for me. >: Those extra 100 calories could have easily gone toward like a whole box of strawberries! Noted for next time.

38 Days.
122.0lbs.
+7.0 from goal.

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[Tandahda]

Hard boiled eggs are extremely portable and potable. : P

When it comes to feelings... things sometimes work out when they seem darkest... and other than that, passionate experiences that give us lows as high as our highs are not bad. They add depth and shadow to our lives as much as they add light. Without them we would be nothing. Pursue your feelings and live them up while they last, if they last for a long time, good. If they don't, its something you'll look back on (even if you don't look back fondly) as a powerful experience.

And you will get the chance to look back. Because you're going to be fine.  

[Stars in my Pocket]

You're right, -nod-. I'm just anxious about visiting and stuff. And I have no self confidence (doesn't matter what weight I'm at to be honest) and so I'm all a jumble. Oh well, you're right, it's a life experience. c: <33
EDIT: I'm not sure about hard-boiled eggs. e____e I'm not an eggy person, I don't like mayo even. I eat omelettes/scrambled eggs with egg-beaters, but I'll try a boiled real egg one day. Yolks freak me out though! >____< hahaha  

[Stars in my Pocket]

My musical taste varies quite a bit, but I can't get Lady Gaga out of my head right now. God, it's such a guilty pleasure, I hate to absolutely love bad music. x) So that's my title for now.

I listened to the entire Beach Boy's #1 album and a few Lady Gaga songs, before I knew it, I'd walked 3.6 miles in an hour. But I was jammin' out the whole time, so it's all good. ;D

My calorie deficit is close to 800 today though, is that ok? I'm not hungry or wanting food and I feel good. I just worked out a TON today. I'll probably be ravenous tomorrow.  

[Stars in my Pocket]

I went to bed at 4am. I'm up at 9am. I hate this. -_-
I'm not going to be able to exercise 'cause I'm exhausted. Fun times.

IN:
Breakfast: asian h.c. meal + vitamin + water
Snack: none was teaching :c
Lunch: (LATE) subway 1/2 sub + coke zero
Snack: baked chips + gatorade (regular not g2 eep)
Dinner: some roasted chicken

OUT:
coaching riding.

Today was very eventful, so I was off eating schedule. I was rushed in different things all day. Went to bed at 4 last night, woke up at 9. Rushed to teach my lesson. Then I rushed to get showered to go to a Super Street Fighter 4 (yeahhh!) tournament at Game Stop. Then was called about an emergency at the barn (horse very very badly injured) then had to rush and treat it. Then went to SubWay compliments of a friend. Then found myself in a limousine as it was my brother's prom so I got to ride in it. wtf was this day about man??

37 Days.
122.0lbs.
+7.0 from goal.

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[Stars in my Pocket]

More sleep = more energy. Need to remember this and get at least 8 hours a night. Taking a nap now! Also hit my first plateau, 122.0 for 3 days now. I'm going for a walk when I wake up.

IN:
Breakfast: 1/2 subway chicken sub + crystal light
Snack: --
Lunch: turkey h.c. meal + crystal light
Snack: oatmeal yum
Dinner: whole wheat penne pasta + pesto + a little parmesan cheese

OUT:
went riding for 2 hours.

Uh so I went over on my calories by like 300 today, need to keep tabs on the 'pasta has lots of calories' thing, but it was the first time I've had it in a long time and I really enjoyed it. (: So I'm going for a walk soon to burn some of it off but I have no regrets! It's good for me to go over some days I think, it keeps my metabolism going strong, and I've been under for a few days so it's all good. (:

36 Days.
122.0lbs.
+7.0 from goal.

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[Tandahda]

Sleep is uber important... its something I have to tell myself all the time... but I don't nap well, I wake up cranky and depressed often. ._.  

[Stars in my Pocket]

I've gotten into the really bad habit of the "5 more minutes" syndrome, waiting for the guy I'm going to visit to get off of his late shift at work. It doesn't happen that he gets online after nearly enough, but gah. [/pathetic] haha.

I took a nap today though, which was nice, I'm a good napper! Haha. (:  

[Stars in my Pocket]

lkjafdsjh I'm excited, my friend bought a car yesterday. C:
Also the pasta I had yesterday made me really sick, like it was too much. It wasn't even a whole bowl, so I think my stomach is shrinking to an appropriate size, which is good! It wants smaller meals.

IN:
Breakfast: fiber one (.5c) + vitamin + crystal light
Snack: --
Lunch: Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki @ subway (6in) + baked lays
Snack: --
Dinner: Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki @ subway (6in)

OUT:
20 'real' pushups, 15 'lady' pushups, 8 minute abs.


I really really really wanted to walk a 5k this morning but lo and behold my brother's friend was sleeping on the couch. My treadmill is really loud, too, so I'm just going to have to do it once I'm done hanging out with Ido and Jayson. Fun stuff, we're playing OoT on the N64 ha ha! Edit: Wasn't able to, got home late and if I walk a long time late I can't sleep at all. >: So I'm getting up at 9 tomorrow and going for a walk.

Also I haven't been getting like, any fiber at all. Need to pick up some fiber-rich cereal today. Edit: found some in the back of my pantry! Kind of stale, but whatever. >:

36 Days.
123.4lbs.
+8.4 from goal.

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[Stars in my Pocket]

PERSONAL DUMP (AGAIN):
So I stay up all the time waiting for the friend whom I am going to visit, he's one of the hardest people in the world to get in touch with. I'm really getting my hopes up about him, he says he's had really strong feelings toward me for a long time, etc. Anyway he said he was going to skype chat with me today and never got on or returned my texts or anything, and I feel like an idiot waiting up like this all of the time. On the one hand I really enjoy the 'ups' but the 'downs' like this are pretty bad, and it seems to happen on a nightly basis as I get my hopes up. /: Now, he's 21 soon, and I talk with some of his old friends (who are my friends as well, visiting them too!) that he hasn't really been in touch with since high school, but they said he used to sleep around a lot, and he likely still does. I can't deal with that, I would fall to pieces if I were just another number on his tally, so I'm definitely not sleeping with him at all when I visit, but I just don't know if I would even want to pursue a relationship with someone who sleeps around like that. I've only had one partner, my ex of 3 years, so sex means a lot to me. On the other hand I haven't asked him outright how many girls he's slept with, but he's said he doesn't sleep around like that. I don't know who to believe, and it's really bumming me out. Normally I'd believe him hands-down but he's a 'charmer' and so I don't know if he's just telling me what I want to hear. He's a good person deep down, I think, but I don't know if I want to pursue it. I mean, I really really want to, but my head is telling me to be really careful and critical of everything he does.
I just don't know what to do. /:
Guys here like me but I'm not interested. I visited two friends today and they're great, one of them really really has feelings for me but I'd never go for it. I just don't want to. Since I've been single I've been asked out by 4 guys. I just don't want them, I have no desire to have any sort of relationship with them. The friend of mine though is really intelligent and I feel like I don't have to dumb myself down for him, he's been there for me (for the most part, aside from this difficulty in contacting him) for the past few years, and I just don't know. Opinions would help. D:
I'm kind of just telling myself to go, and be cautious, but I have to find that happy medium between getting swept off of my feet and being cold and calculated about it. Bah. Thank god I'll have other friends there, too.  

[Stars in my Pocket]

IN:
Breakfast: h.c. herb chicken meal + vitamin + pepsi max
Snack: matcha green tea
Lunch: chicken breast + light ranch (2tbsp)
Snack: oatmeal
Dinner: penne pasta (whole wheat) + ragu alfredo sauce

OUT:
1x [10] 'real' pushups, 8 Minute Abs, 3.7mph @ 3.5 incline for 3.6 miles (60min)

[3:45 PM] Nothing at all sounds even remotely appetizing right now. I miss my dad. I want to be happy and I really want this to work out with my friend. And I don't think any of those things will happen. I need to eat though 'cause my bmr + exercise has already burned 1400 calories and I've eaten about 300. /: I'm just not hungry at all, I want to crawl in a hole and cry for hours. Ha ha. [/pathetic]

34 Days.
122.2lbs.
+7.2 from goal.

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[Tandahda]

I had to post your personal dump into a word processor so that I could read it (in my old age my eyes aren't what they used to be).

First advice. Don't listen completely (I don't think you will but it bears saying) to what other people have to say about someone, let them prove themselves to you on a blank slate. I see relationships and have had relationships get ruined because of what other people have to say. Advice on how to proceed, what to think, and other things are not terrible, but no one knows what another person is going to do or think except themselves.

Sometimes we portray ourselves to other people a certain way because that's how we want to come across at the time. Old information on a person isn't the most relevant sort because we change, and because the information isn't always true in the first place. My first boyfriend didn't know I was a virgin because the way I portrayed myself was as someone who was experienced.

If sex is a big deal to you, you can let him know without making him feel as if the number of women he might have slept with matters to you (if it does that's another problem) Generally people get upset when you ask them how many partners they've been with and the defensiveness that stems from that isn't helpful.

If you are going to have a problem if he has slept with a lot of women, that's something you should think on. The only thing that this tells you is that he has slept with a lot of women. It doesn't really give you an idea of how he's going to treat you, because again, its old information and the previous situations were missing something, you. I slept with lots of people before I met my partner, now I'll sleep with one person for the rest of my life, and I'm ok with that. (and that's not something that I ever thought would be possible. I was thinking about looking into polyamoury before I met Mr. Seraph).

If you're worried about being betrayed that's understandable, can you talk to your friend about that feeling and the worries that you have? Talking directly to a person I'm involved with has always been my approach and it has served me really well.

It sounds like you're worried and stressing yourself out, and that isn't good for you. Go slowly, perhaps don't commit to anything serious and keep watch on the situation for it to turn into something more. That way you don't have to be cold and calculating (you can save that for later) and you can get a little swept off your feet at the same time.