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In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and
said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building
Regulations Approval.
I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler
system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for
building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even
though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing
of it.
Getting the wood was another problem.
All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a
Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted
owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the
owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental
impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building
experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The British Government are already in the process of
doing it."

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six!" he said.

The spanking that is done in porno movies is not real. I have been married 12 years and I have never spanked my wife's a**. Then I thought maybe that's what we're missing?

Turns out - Nope. That's not what we're missing.

That's really something that you need to start early on in the dating process. You don't want to wait 12 years to pull that one out of your bag of tricks. Because that will spark some conversation. She was like, "Where did that come from?" I responded, "Ah, I saw it in a movie. What? You don't like that? Okay."

"I can lick your butt. I saw that in the movie too."

MY FIRST TIME

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came..
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever


At milking a cow..

Rocky Mountain Oysters

It was this man's first time watching a bull fight. The struggle between man and beast was spectacular. It finally ended as the matador slayed the bull. The man had worked up quite an appetite from all the excitement and went to a restaurant that served up a special plate after the bull fight.

As he waited for his waiter to arrive and take his order, he noticed someone being served two large meatballs. He had never seen anything so exquisite before, so he had to have it. His waiter finally came along and the man asked if he could have the same thing. The waiter told him that this would not be possible, as they only serve it once after the bull fight; he would just have to wait for the next bull fight and reserve it. That's exactly what he did.

The day of the next bull fight, he was so excited to have this meal that he returned to the restaurant instead of attending the fight. He was sat at a table and he waited for his meal to arrive. There it was, finally, being carted over by his waiter. The waiter placed it in front of him, platter and all, and removed the dome lid to reveal two measly balls of meat not fit to be called a meal. The man was furious, he exclaimed,"What the heck is this? The ones I saw the other day were much larger than this." To this the waiter replied,"Well, sometimes the man wins and sometimes the bull wins."

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.
'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied.

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OOOOH! You're gonna dislike me for this -
but it will make your day!

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'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'



And People Ask Me Why I Like Retirement

HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN; caress, excite, cuddle,
fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease, pamper, console,
worship, respect & love.

HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN; blow job

What goes in hard and comes out soft?







Gum, what the hell where you thinking.