cutting... what you think about it

[Dr_lecter1988]

KupoWrath

Thanks for the encouragement... I was doing great... Until today. I did it again, and now I feel horrible. My mother was screaming at me like she usually does, and I couldn't take it anymore.

I have no one to talk to. Whenever I try, they always berate me, talling me I shouldn't cut. They don't even listen. They don't even care.

Ok, if you ever need to talk, and i'm on AIM when you are, feel free to message me. and i'll talk. i know how hard it is, i won't berate you. just click on that aim thing right above any of my posts and if i'm online and at my compy, i'll answer.  

[Kupo Ikari]

Ok... I added you. Frankly, I'm not sure how to talk about it... But oh well.

Thank you for showing an interest, and caring. You have no clue what that means to me.  

[black sheeps]

just for fun, I wouldn't want to bleed to death.
I don't abuse myself by cutting.
I feel so alive and it excites me.
I usually use box cutter or anything that can dig deep into the skin.

 

[Choklit Teddi]

Hmm.. Not really sure about this..
I guess the emotional pain started building up when I was about 6 or 7.. I still cant talk about why, both because its too painful and I'm a little ashamed of it. [Even though I allways hear i shouldnt be and bla bla bla.]
Anyways. I was going through issues with friends and what not, and my dad had suddenly come back into my life randomly after 5 years of silence. I wasnt really ready for it and when I found out he had had another kid, i had a complete melt down. I was little, i know, but I couldnt get over the fact that i wasnt 'daddys little girl' anymore. It sounds stupid..but thats all I could really think about.
My parents had been seperated since i was about 2 months, and at about 10 they decided on a divorce. Around that time, i got involved in a group of people who basicly controled me and screwed me over so I didnt even show emotion anymore..
Even now its kind of hard to become attatched to anyone, emotional wise. I started cutting at 11, not deep, just little slashes across my wrists constantly. My mom was busy with other things and I took that as a sign that she didnt care. And She was pretty much the only one I had left, in my veiw.
I kind of sank into a little pit and didnt talk to anyone anymore, all of my smiles were fake, and I just tried to be the person everyone else wanted me to be. Big mistake.
At about 13 I started to struggle with it, trying to get out and I stopped cutting for about a year before starting up again when i was 14, but managing to stop again.
Nobody I knew was really supportive and my parents just kind of freaked and threatened anti-depressants on me. Then after that, they'd blow up about if they had to get me on pills, that would be the end of my future military career which I was suppost to go on, because they both had and my brother had also.
It was kind of a big mess. I didnt really even want to wake up anymore, resulting in me sleeping constantly, just trying to block out what was real and live in some distant fantasy of mine where everything was perfect and there wasnt any pain.
I'd like to say I'm out of that now but not really..still trying to. I havent cut for about 6 months. World wide record for me..

Wow that was long.  

[Yogo Fish]

I beleive i have mentioned this else where on the main forum but what the heck.

I started cutting (well it was more like scratching) myself a year or so ago, i think it was mainly after i found out why my parents split up which had happend before i even started school because of my older brother/step brother who had a different father had started doing drugs and even growing them in our house and my dad decided that either the police needed to be involved or he would leave (which is reletivly reasonable). So he ended up leaving for good, and i saw him once a fortnight on the weekends from then on. Somehow i managed to convince myself that it was my fault that my parents broke up because i didn't want to hate my brother and started to cut.
After that started (when i was approx 15 yrs old) my dad re married to a nice and mostly decent woman and we got along just fine untill she started misinterpreting my actions as hatefull towards her (there were two occasions , the first one happend the week after dad got a new toaster with some flybuys points and his wife mentioned it and as a passing comment i mentioned that she had actually told me the week before. Then as i was finishing my breakfast she walked up to me and verbally attacked me about how she didn't like me confronting her and treating her as stupid and some crap about my tone, I didn't think too much of that since she was on at me about confrontation while using standover tactics and a tone of her own. So i saw it as an excuse to hate me and sulked in my room.
and then the second time was just as trivial, just after waking up i went out to get some brekfast and she said good morning so i mumbled hi or something got my food and went to eat it, and by the time i came back she had left. Supposedly she thought that i was ignoring her because i hated her or some bull like that).
After her second over-reaction i got quite upset, slashed my arms open afew times and drew a symbol or two of my own design in my skin, then i left a note coverd up my arms with a hoodie and walked all the way back to my mums place (30mins) carrying my bag art folder graphics folder and a breif case.
since then i've breifly seen my dad one his birthday, my birthday and at christmas, during which i did my best to ignoe and have nothing to do with his wife at all.
Then i almost fainted several times at Aikido (self defence martial arts) after some relatively light training (it's a very gentle martial art already)
and cut myself more because i felt weak and useless which led into a viscious cycle of me feeling week, cutting the feeling like i was even more pathetic.
The fact that i never really cut that deep made me feel like i even worse for not having the nerve to make a decent cut.
During a health video at school which showed how to apply bandages and medical assitance to someone with a serious wound, i began to feel extreemly uncomfortable as though my wrists were splitting open from the inside (despite the fact that i knew it was fake blood) , then i went to leave the classroom and fainted half way there (infront of everyone) which embarrased me and made me somewhat more convinced that i was weak.
On top of that at least a third of my friends (who are about a year younger than me had girlfriends/boyfriends which didn't have much effect but didn't help.

And basically i'm over the depression and wallowing in the endless void of sadness, and just do it for kicks now.
Mainly for the pain and the blood (which in my opinion tastes good).

As many people have said it is rather addictive, but i enjoy it and don't quite see why it makes people so angry.
If someone wants to bleed and feel pain thats their choice as long as they aren't comiting suicide it's not really going to affect others.
Drugs are far worse the damage they cause is much harder to heal than a bunch of mere flesh wounds. Not to mention the way drugs can ruin families like mine.
Really people who hate cutters are just looking for someone who's easy to get angry at, perhaps they should go and releive some stress by some better means.

and thats my long winded rant for now.
feel free to be critical of my veiws and actions.  

[Egotistic Revolution]

I do not believe cutting is a viable solution to deal with pain, but I do understand it. I've stopped half a dozen friends of mine from doing it, and I am happy about that, but I certainly know why a person would want to.

Myself, I don't cut, but I developed the habit of ritually pouring wax on my skin as a form of penance as well as flagellation.  

[Yogo Fish]

Not sure about your choice of words there (flagellation) and i don't see how wax is better than cutting but i suppose it's different.

By the way, how hot do you have your wax ?  

[DieiNoctis]

I won't encourage cutting, but if you're going to do anything, stick to blades. Wax sucks. Sure, you get that rush of endorphines from the initial shock-pain, but like any burn, it hurts durring tempature changes for a few days, without the endorphines.

So basically it's like cutting, except more pain, less releif.  

[DieiNoctis]

KupoWrath

I have no one to talk to. Whenever I try, they always berate me, talling me I shouldn't cut. They don't even listen. They don't even care.

Find someone on the net to talk to, usually people with aninymity are more understanding.
Oh, and a helpfull hint, maybe, find a rubberband. When you feel the urge to cut, snap yourself on the wrist. Worked somewhat for me, but it might just increase the desire in you, so try it to see how it works, and if not, stop.  

[+Horror.in.Wonderland+]

I don't believe it's a solution.
To me, personally, I think it's a sign of weakness and fear.
Ask for help.
Becuase when people find out about it, they will me hurt, angry and not trusting.

There's always the risk of slicing to deep.
And blood loss.
It's scary.
=/

 

[2aetH]

I cutted myself out of anger. I never did it as a form of depression. I felt angry at myself, and others, so I cut myself to see that blood flow.

I've always been a bit of a masochist, and the pain helped me feel better. The blood just alleviated my rage, and all was well.

Whenever I was depressed, I just cried. I never cut to try to kill myself. Usually just shallow, long cuts with a razor a couple times did it. I licked off the blood, let it heal, and no one was the wiser.

I think suicidal people are stupid. I really do. I like life, and all the opportunities it holds. Suicidal people are just too focused in that narrow range of the "everything sucks for me" view to see the good out there.

They're too stuck in their own self-pity and despair.

As for people who are "addicted" to it, I don't see how it is any more or less worse than any number of other things you can be addicted to. You can't tell me cutters are worse or better than drug addicts, alcoholics, nymphomaniacs, sadists, masochists, or thrill jockies.  

[Kupo Ikari]

DieiNoctis

KupoWrath

I have no one to talk to. Whenever I try, they always berate me, talling me I shouldn't cut. They don't even listen. They don't even care.

Find someone on the net to talk to, usually people with aninymity are more understanding.
Oh, and a helpfull hint, maybe, find a rubberband. When you feel the urge to cut, snap yourself on the wrist. Worked somewhat for me, but it might just increase the desire in you, so try it to see how it works, and if not, stop.

Well... I never cut for the pain...

And...

I've kicked the habit. I've been cut-free for 2 and a half months! (NOT including feeding bites/cuts... But I don't do those myself. My donor takes care of all the cutting needed, and we only do it once every 2 weeks.) Go me...

.........

Thought that time I spent in the mental hospital made me want it all back.  

[mee_shee]

At one point I did because it was an f-d up time in my life.

I have to say that I'm glad I never went all the way through with it cuz I'd be missin a lot.

I think that if you know someone, or a someone who is a cutter. You just need to remember that there will be better times in your life.

But you just have to give them a chance to arrive.  

[fools_love]

the only reason i cut is because i like the pain and it helps me forget my problem .....just like beer does  

[Ndoki]

I think I only ever cut once.. and that was a LONG time ago. Now I fold origami and draw and play violin instead. 3nodding I guess what I'm getting at is there's always an alternative.