I has a goal too. -journal-

[pigeonsoup]

wahmbulance EPIC RANT wahmbulance
That is IT. I am SICK of having such disordered thoughts over food and weight and I am SICK of hurting the people I love because of my own issues and insecurities. I keep saying I'm trying to get better but the only thing I ever do to get "better" is push to eat a healthy amount of food. I never find ways to address the emotions and s**t behind why I feel fat and disgusting and unworthy, and I never stop to honestly tell myself why I'm wrong about those things. I am NOT ugly and I am NOT fat and I know these things but for some reason when I look in the mirror I'm just disgusted. I feel like I'm not good enough. But you know what? I AM good enough. I'm more than good enough. I've made mistakes and done hurtful things, but I'm human, and nobody's perfect. I have a good heart and that's what counts. I may feel like a burden on everyone I know now but I deserve to have a roof over my head and despite how I may feel it is NOT my fault that my mom is a messed up b***h and got me into this situation. And someday soon I'll be earning my own living and I can give something in return. YesI'mlookingatyouMunkersandyesyouwillgetpresentsandcookiesandhappythingsandiloveyou
foreverandameternallygratefulandomgily. >.>

BUT GOD SERIOUSLY. I'm freaking fed up with this self loathing, lost, worthless BULL. I am not worthless. I am fine just the way I am. I have goals for my physical appearance but I will reach them at my own pace and I will not obsess over them anymore. I don't deserve to be so mean to myself and it hurts the people who care about me to know how miserable I've been in my own skin. They all can find so many things to love about me and I an hardly believe in one single reason to love myself? That's absolutely ridiculous. This is stopping right now, I'm not putting up with this side of myself anymore. I'm gonna be okay with myself as I am or die trying. Preferably not die. Because I don't want to die. Yeah. My rant's kind of fizzling out now. Aaaaand there it goes. I just needed to get it out. Seriously though, things are gonna change up in here. scream  

[pigeonsoup]

Started the South Beach diet today. Basically for the first two weeks you are not allowed to eat ANY starches or sugar or some other things, which means no bread, rice, pasta, oatmeal, potato, fruits, certain veggies, fatty meats, and especially no junk food. Gahh! The lack of junk food isn't really a big deal but omgggg not having bread sucks! I'm not even gonna sugar coat it, I hate not having bread. The main staple for when I can't figure out what to eat is toast or sandwiches. It's like, what I survive on, haha. It's one of my big safe foods that don't make me feel guilty about eating, so without it I'm sort of out of my comfort zone. I rarely can actually figure out exactly what I want to eat, and now I can't just default to a sandwich or toast. Sad day. It's good for me though, not just cutting out starches but being able to broaden my horizons, so to speak, on foods I can feel comfortable eating whenever I'm not in the mood for something specific. I have very few safe staple foods right now. They are: bread [toast, sammiches, etc], rice, grapes, and more recently I've taken to oatmeal. See, all these things I cannot eat for the next two weeks.

Also, even though you're allowed to eat basically as much as you want for the first two weeks, I'm having trouble with actually feeling full. Maybe because there are less options for dense or rich foods that actually feel filling. I could stuff myself with lettuce until I explode but it still won't feel "full". I just had fish, asparagus, a string cheese, and a yogurt in a fairly small time frame and I'm still legitimately hungry. And I can't think of anything that I can eat that will actually make me feel full. Not anything that I actually want to eat enough of to fill me up, anyways.

But yeah, that's enough of me complaining. This first two weeks is important to clean you out and to sort of reprogram your body to stop craving junks, sugars, and starches. So no matter what, I have to push through and just do it.

Oh! I haven't weighed myself in 4 days, since my previous rant. I may weigh myself tomorrow but eh. I'm just surprised I've gone so long without weighing or measuring. Go me!  

[pigeonsoup]

It hasn't been a full week yet and I'm already totally and completely hating not being able to have bread. Or pasta. Or cereal. Or oatmeal. Or anything that's got sugar in it all, not even fruits D: This totally sucks. All I can ever think of to eat is salad or string cheese or lunchmeat. You can only eat so much of these things before you want to blow your head off from tastebud boredom D: THIS DIET IS SO BORING. It's the same flavors over and over again all the time except on the occasion that something fancy is cooked (ohhh pork with guacamole, you are so delicious). AND I haven't dropped any weight, at all, not even one teeny decimal. In fact I'm at 102.2 lbs. Ugh ugh ugh. I know that this isn't the weight loss phase of the diet but still, I haven't even been eating much because I'm so bored with the food. I actually had DREAMS last night about pie and cookies and ice cream. Do you know how pathetic that makes me feel? And now how much I'm craving these things? It sucks so much. I know it's important to break your addictions to sugar and starch so you stop craving junk food all the time, I know it's for the best, but it's SO HARD. I mean if there were more things I could eat... And the sucky part is all the splenda and other sugar substitutes I've been having in diet sweets makes me feel just so blah. It makes my stomach unhappy, but seriously I would fail so hard at avoiding sugar if I don't have something sweet. Ughhh ugh ughh ugh ugh. I want phase one to be over with already.

/rant  

[pigeonsoup]

I think I'm gonna start posting what I eat because it might help me get through the rest of phase one. So I can see if I'm even eating enough. 'Cause damn it's like I can't get full.

Breakfast- fiber one yogurt, koolaid made with splenda, and splenda sweetened milk n.n

Lunchies- turkey and string cheeeeeese  

[pigeonsoup]

Oops I didn't finish journaling my food yesterday. Oh well.

I'm cooling it on the phase one thing, because I don't care for it at all. I'd rather eat a bowl of oatmeal and feel good than eat a plate of salad and feel like death. And in the end, it was just making my slow digestive system even slower. I seriously don't even think I've pooped more than once this whole time, lmao. I gues not everything works the way it should for everyone. And there's no one right way to lose weight, I still have tons of other options. I think I'm just gonna stick with mostly eating healthy foods and paying attention to what my body is hungry for. And not eating lettuce when my body wants bread. whee  

[pigeonsoup]

I'm just feeling so great about myself today. I look down at my tummy and I'm okay with what's there whee I know I'm at a healthy weight, and I know I make a good effort to eat healthy. So I just... don't feel as rushed to lose more weight. I know it's not necessary. I know I look pretty good n.n I may not have my ideal body yet, but I don't need to get there as fast as possible. I'm just learning to enjoy the trip :3  

[Euthanasia Phase]

Congrats on feeling good about your progress - as there is a lot to be proud of! The food journaling is a good idea, because you can really see how specific changes in diet or exercise influence your progress. No bread/most other carbs sounds rough - do you get any of that back in future phases? Sounds like eating an overall healthy, balanced diet should work better than restricting an important food group (and flavor).
Also, what you've said about weight loss/fitness improvement not being a race is absolutely spot on. It's not only healthier to make these changes slowly, but a really restrictive diet can't be healthily maintained and usually backfires.  

[pigeonsoup]

Yeah you get the starches and sugars back in phase 2 I think.

And yeah I know, I was extremely restricting calories for a while. Like, 500-900 calories a day. I even fasted a few times. It's not something you should even try, let alone keep up with. It really messed me up. Slow and healthy is just so much better in the long run. Besides, bodies are beautiful no matter what shape or size they are, so long as they're healthy. Right now I'm seeing weight loss as more of a body modification thing, like tattoos or piercings. It's just to look "different" as opposed to "better". Any healthy body is just as beautiful as the next. [I'd also like to add in here that overweight and even obese bodies are not necessarily automatically unhealthy. It's actually fairly common to have better health as a fit, overweight person than as a lazy slender person].  

[pigeonsoup]

For breakfast today I had oatmeeeeeal.
Lunch- toast, yogurt
Dinner- roast beef sammich
I feel like I must have eaten something else too but I really don't remember. Oh well. I'll snack more tonight as well. Hockey Preseason games must have snacks!

I think I really ought to bother getting more physical activity in each day. Not even for losing weight, but just because I go from sitting on my butt for days at a time to suddenly having a day full of walking and moving around and it killllls me. I think I need to go on little walks every day just to get my body moving.  

[pigeonsoup]

Today's noms~
Breakfast- Yogurt (didn't eat anything else because we left the house soon after)

Lunch- Popcorn chicken and barbecue sauce (Arby's)
Oatmeal with cinnamon and splenda

Dinner- nothing yet

Snacks- none yet


Urggghhhh, it's that time of the month, and I'm getting grumpy over every stupid little thing. And I ******** want ******** chocolate right ******** nowwwwwwwww. scream scream scream scream scream scream  

[pigeonsoup]

I really suck at completing food entries haha.

Breakfast- two pieces of toast, buttered

Lunch- roast beef and turkey lunchmeat with cheese

Snacks- a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter sweatdrop , low cal hot chocolate with milk, leftover pasta, cottage cheese, jelly beans

Dinner- burrito

Total- about 1450 calories

I still weigh in around 102.5 and have for a while because I've just been too lazy to do anything but maintain. Although I've been doing some sit ups and push ups and other things to work muscles, I haven't been doing anything to actually burn calories. Blah. I keep saying I'll go on walks and then just as I'm getting ready to go, I get so panicky and scared and then I end up not leaving the house. I really do have issues with going outside alone. I mean, I could go on walks now and then when I lived with my mom, but we lived in the middle of nowhere so there weren't tons of cars speeding past and other people walking near me and weird cross walks and blah blah blah. I sound like a total hermit, but it's not that I don't like leaving the apartment. I really do, I like going out and doing stuff. I just can't do it alone, apparently.

I mean, I can be left alone just fine. You can take me to a store or a library or whatever and drop me off and leave me alone and I have zero problems with that. Totally calm and cool. I think it's just the getting there that freaks me out to do alone. I mean. I've ridden a greyhound alone. I've gone on a train alone. I've flown on a plane alone. You'd think walking would be nothing. I dunno. Other cars scare me. They're loud and they zoom past and I feel like I'm gonna be stupid and fall into their path. Or god forbid I have to cross a crosswalk, I feel like they're just gonna completely run me over even if I have the right of way. Or at the very least I feel like I'm somehow crossing wrong. Haha. That's stupid, I know. I'm ridiculously paranoid about these things. Like, I'm legitimately freaked out by walking alone. On the rare occasions I do it, I literally sprint across crosswalks, that's how much they scare me. Only when I'm alone though. They only places I can think of that I don't have this problem with is Mariposa, CA, and especially Capitola/Capitola Village/Santa Cruz, CA. I mean, I know Capitola Village like the back of my hand. I've been there at least once every year of my life, not counting this year, and I've even lived near there a few times (hence the addition of Santa Cruz). I miss that place so damn much. But anyway my point is that the crosswalks there, no matter how busy, are just kind of annoyances to me. I'm not scared to walk alone. I know the people there and I'm not afraid of them. Everywhere else in the world is just strange and speedy and so unfriendly. Meh. I'm totally off topic now. whee  

[pigeonsoup]

Breakfast- cereal and milk

dinner? lunch? something- mexican pizza from taco bell

snack- sonic blast

everything else I don't remember.


Total- probably like a million sweatdrop

I neeeeeed to shop for a halloween costume! Aghhh! But I'm torn between buying something that fits a bit to snug so I can lose weight and hope I lose enough in time, or buying something that fits now and having to maintain instead of losing weight. I -could- wait, but in my experience, waiting til the last minute sucks because there's never anything left. stare  

[A Touch of Evil]

I'm in the same exact boat. I want to dress up for my work because every year, we hold a Halloween costume contest. So I want to buy a costume, but by Halloween, I want to lose another 10 or so pounds. So I don't want to buy one now and then have it be baggy on me. I'll wait a few more weeks.  

[pigeonsoup]

Breakfast- Cereal and milk

Lunch- chinese buffet >.>

Snacks- graham cracker, roast beef, peanut butter with chocolate chips

Dinner- oatmeal xd

Total- 1350-ish


I neeeeeeed to eat better today. I've been so bad lately.

I really wanna check out some of the vintage stores in my area because I haven't yet. I'm hoping to find something I can treat myself to, a pretty dressy or something, as a reward for myself haha. Hopefully something that's the tiniest bit too small so I can consider it a treat once I've dropped the last few pounds. xD

I did buy pants the other day that are too snug around my waist just so I'll feel awesome once they fit lmao.  

[pigeonsoup]

Breakfast- oatmeal with milk, toast

Snacks- popcorn, graham cracker, peanut butter, soy beans, hot cocoa

Lunch- grilled cheese

Total- 935?

I think I managed to stay within my limits pretty well yesterday. I'm hoping to do well today too. I haven't weighed myself in a while and I'm kinda scared to, haha. Maybe I will tomorrow if I do alright today.

I know I should eat dinner but I have such a majorly bad headache gonk I hardly want to even move.