I has a goal too. -journal-

[pigeonsoup]

103.4~ Progressssss.

But I do not feel good.
I ate pizza for lunch and it it ate up all of my weight watchers points that I had left. So naturally, I'm hungry again, because that was a few hours ago. But I have no points left. A normal person would say "Well,it's okay, I'll just try to keep dinner healthy, and get back on track tomorrow." And really, I'm trying to tell myself that. But my brain says "No! You have NO POINTS! This means do not eat! If you eat you fail! BAD! You'll just put on more weight and be sad again tomorrow when the scale goes up!" Even though that's... completely stupid and horrible and it really wouldn't make the scale go up that much at all. And it would go right back down the day after that. So I know it's stupid of me. But every time I get up to look for something to eat, I just get frustrated, because my brain's conflicting so much, and it's making everything just not sound good at all. I'll pretty much have to choke something down at this point if I eat and hope it doesn't make me feel sick. THAT'S how much my brain wants me to not eat right now.

I feel so bad that I'm not over this yet. I feel bad that I'm still having this obsessive restriction tendency over food. I feel dumb for eating that extra slice of pizza that put me over at lunch and I regret it like hell. I went to the grocery store earlier and just felt weighed down with all the negative thoughts I got looking at snacks and things. I just wish I could be normal about food and not care this much over going a few points over my normal limit.

Anyways. I promised my close friend that I talk to about these things that I'd eat, because he said please, and he worries. So I don't really have a choice, so I'm working on telling my brain to ******** off right now so I can actually eat something without wanting to die or whatever.  

[pigeonsoup]

103.2~ Nyahh!!

I did eventually eat some fruit last night, just fyi.

I was so excited to see the scale at 103.2 this morning. And that was even after a bowl of cereal, so for all I know it's like 103.1 or something. I'm kinda freaking out thinking I'm gonna weigh 102 soon. Holy crap! whee  

[pigeonsoup]

Go on, take a guess..... 102.4!! 4laugh

I was so shocked because yesterday I was 103.6 and I dunno how that happened but still, squee. That happens to me a lot, apparently. I go for days or even a week wothout dropping a pound or even going up one, and then suddenly I wake up and BAM! Skinny.

Speaking of. I feel funny looking from the side. My boobs and butt are both still pretty big, but my waist is now super tiny, so it makes me look almost scary skinny. But I'm sure it'll be better once things even out. Besides, it doesn't look bad, just.... really awkward to see on me because I'm so not used to it. xD I'll take pics later probably, because the shirt I'm wearing makes it really obvious.  

[pigeonsoup]

Pics! I'm not sucking it in. I know, I'm in shock too eek Hehee. I'm so so so happy. I'll try to find some "before" pics to post for comparison.





 

[Sunsway]

You're gorgeous! You do have an incredibly thin waist. O_O So are you going into maintenance phase now or what?  

[pigeonsoup]

I'm gonna continue weight loss until my freaking boobies shrink. They're gonna be the last thing to go, apparently gonk I know, I know, so many people wish for boobies like mine, but I dislike them at this size, and just prefer smaller chests in general.

I'm also gonna be working on building muscle as soon as I get off my lazy butt and start actually trying, haha.  

[pigeonsoup]

I.. can't.... stop.... EATING! scream

Seriously, maybe it's PMS because today's my first day of my period, but my god. I snacked so much today. I'm still fighting the urge to get up and get more, but I'm already one point over my limit. It's frustrating because I went over my limit yesterday too, so it's more likely to show up on the scale :/ Sadddd. I need to get back on the exercise train. Or at least hop on the muscle toning train. Grrrr.  

[Munkers]

Remember that you have flex points for a reason. whee Sometimes the boost to your mental/emotional health really is worth that splurge.  

[pigeonsoup]

Lmao, yeah. I should probably remember my flex points more often.... >.>  

[pigeonsoup]

103.

Not a big deal, it's just from snacking too much the last couple days and not really exercising.

But ughhhh I feel fat today. Not because of the scale. I'm just bloated from my period and just feel like a piggy. My pants are too tight. The other day they were almost too loose. Ugh.

I've had a lot of little triggers building up lately and it's all I can do to remember to be healthy and eat. I go into the kitchen looking for snacks a lot, but at a certain point it's only because I'm trying to force myself to be in an eating mindset. Blah.

I don't have a choice but to eat healthy. I'd be letting too many people down. But that temptation is always there, to be empty and... well, I dunno. It an emptiness that fills you and makes you feel strong even though in all reality your knees are about to give out from under you. You feel so successful, having so much willpower to refrain from eating. That sort of emptiness is almost a comfort, because it's there even when nothing else is going the way you expected or wanted. It's not so much a feeling of control as it is of comfort.
It's sick to think that way though, and I know I shouldn't. And despite feeling like a fat cow today, I'm still in a really good mood, it's just sometimes I need to let this out. If the triggers build up too long and I don't talk about it, it gets kind of unbearable.

Anyways. back to my good mood now. Thanks for listening, peoples. :3  

[A Touch of Evil]

I think you are doing a great job, and I remember your pics, I think you're very pretty! heart Why don't you try a women's daily multivitamin? It helps with snack cravings. :3  

[Munkers]

Maybe a schedule/eating plan would help with the snacking and figuring out what to have when you know you should be eating?  

[pigeonsoup]

Possibly. Having more structure in my eating routine would probably help, but... I'm so lazy about those things. >.>  

[pigeonsoup]

Back under 103~ !

I don;t remember whether it was 102.6 or .8 but stillll. Makes for happy Lauren 3nodding

I ate lotsa candy at the movies today but it still came out fine, points wise, I think.  

[pigeonsoup]

102~
I've been at 102 exactly for the last couple days and I'm curious as to why it's not going up or down. Preferably, down. I think I'm gonna have to step it up with working out because I've been so lazy.

I finally bought some vitamins so I can get everything I need whee I will no longer be malnourished! xD