cutting... what you think about it

[themagikat]

wow. i personally hate my own story, and it proably wont be near as bad as others' but ill post it i guess.

my life seems to have two repeating trends, one being my own story in my head, the other being the true story around me. as it stands its become to where i cant tell the difference between what it real and what is only imagined or dreamt up. ******** this is hard to write. this is the first and probably only public place ill write this and i give my word its true. when i was around seven years old i had a dream one night, as most people do every once in a while, that eventually came true. it was simple: a substitutte teacher would be filling in for 3 days. i dreamt the announcement the teacher would make and sure enough a few days later it happened. well a few weeks later i dreamt my best friends parents would split up. i was (and still am to an extent) somewhat protected so the whole thought of divorce was beyond me. i told my friend my dream and a month later they announced the divorce. i even dreamt thait arguements from my friend's eyes. up until around 8th grade i had dreams like that, some were decent or kinda random, but for the msot part they were bad omens of somehting to come and as i remember it, more and more friends left me because i freaked them out or something, which i guess is understandable.

back then i was still the "perfect" little christian boy, happy-go-lucky with a weird talent at the time, or at least thats now i looked at that then. in 8th grade, on the night of january 26, 2001 i dreamt a whole new dream. it wasnt just like a movie, it was me walking through a whole new world. basically in it i saw the corpse of m,y grandfather (i'll skip the details). january 28, two days later, my grandfather died in front of me of heart problems. january 30, 2001 (my thirteenth birthday) he was buried. obviously that had an impact on me and i couldnt help (still cant) thining i caused the death because i saw it coming 2 days in advance. every time someone muttered the words "happy birthday" through clenched teeth i felt more and more humiliated, as if his death was my present. that was when i began to lose faith in christianity (which leads to a whole new story).

since then, though, ive had more of those dreams, all weirder than the last. weirder, scarier, and more disturbing than the last. ive dreamt the columbia crash (remember i live in dallas, i saw it explode twice. once in my dream and once in the air). ive dreamt friends' suicides and deaths, the deaths of people i didnt even know. i see people sick. i can hear them sometimes. recently, in fact 2 days ago i dreamt a house in ash: this morning my neighbors across the street's house burnt down (not allthe way down, but its gonna be demolished)

it never gets any better really, and its gotten to basically i cant tell the difference of whether or not im awake or dreaming. both "worlds" are equally real to me now, but in theory, only when you are awake can you really feel and sense pain. thats the story behind why i cut. its probably all in my head though, but of couse i'de never know that because im not even allowed to see a shrink because "only bad people go to shrinks". my parents wont pay for it or let me even ask for one anymore so all i have are a few understanding friends.

anyways, thats my story  

[Neko-Goth-Death]

my story is very very short...
14 years ago i had a friend named Mark... well not relaly a friend cuz i got into no ends of trouble with him around... Well one day we were hunting (a few years latter i might add) and he had his big gun and i had my little BB gun... yeah well his gun went off right next to my head... no joke if i had been an inch talled i would be dead... but yeah that made something snap inside of me
well i was ok till 2 years ago and i started having these wierd flashs were that one part of my life replayed in different ways... like if i was taller or if his gun was lower... or something like that... well... i tryed alot of things and cutting... some what helped... i didnt do it alot only when i had those dream things... well
last year i dated a girl that well... love of your life type deal... and she dumped me after we both lost our virgitys to each other... big mistake... after that i have cut so much that i have a scar on my arm that i think is huge (compared to everyone else i know that cuts) and on my right leg there is a scar about the size of 2 old cell phones of nothing but scars going in all different kind of ways... and yeah i stoped over the last few days cuz i cut too deep once and it scared me... but i odnt know how long i can keep my self from cutting again... i wanted people to tell me if there story was like mine or worse and see if they quit cutting... thats the reason for this post... the reason i made this post.... and thank you all for telling me your storys it helped alot  

[blackrose1186]

i am quite stubborn.. but in this case i realize that people are going to think what they may.. i wont try to make you belive me.. i'm not into the buisness of forcing my oppion on others.. if you dont belive me then so be it.. you're not worth knowing to me.. and as for her owning the guild.. that doesnt matter too much to me its a little club on a website that people may spend a little too much time on.

i personally would rather be in good spirits all the time.. im tired of all the pain in life and i've given it up.. if i dont acknowledge it then it doesnt exist. if you try telling yourself that you cannot be upset you wont be.. if you have a strong enough will that is.. i know im not goin to get along with everyone and i accept that and by giving up this argument i am saying that i hate hate.. (i dont know.. dont ask) and that i prefer friendship than having to argue.. it gets us nowhere but back farther than we started.. cutting is a cry for help.. i know with my experiences.. but sometimes we can only help ourselves.. i was sharing the pictures so people could get an idea that i may not be the worst but neither do i try to make it worse than it is.

life is far too short to be doing stupid stuff like that and to argue with people.. i'd rather walk away and spend the time doing something i enjoy.. i realized the very serious aspect as i watched my friend die in front of my eyes a week or so ago.. when you lose your best friend.. the closest thing to a brother you've ever had, and never knowing your father.... it makes you think.. he would have wanted me to be happy and not have to deal with the pain i've had.. i wanted to cut the night he died.. but i knew that everytime i cut he would just punch me in the chest saying i was an idiot.. and he was right.. i wanted people to understand.. but all you need to do is talk.. dont push people away.. (now i sound like a jesus freak/bible hugger)....

i really dont want to worry about people not liking me so i wont.. if you dont like me just say it and i'll ignore you.. and you can do the same.. i'd much rather we'd be friends, but sometimes things dont work that way... now im just rambling i guess.. anyway. im goin to stop before it pisses people off.. oh well

thanks for readin.. you deserve a cookie.. *hands the reader a cookie of thier choice*  

[Isobel Bellamy]

Dead_Boy

I do not know one person that cuts because there sad. Every one in my scool will do it for kicks and its cool. I think its cool. You can like be more then the pain.

You think it's cool?! How in the hell can you think cutting to be cool? Please enlighten me into your strange mind.
You're no better than the weirdo preps in my school that followed the cutting trend that happened in their circle a couple years back. stare  

[Isobel Bellamy]

blackrose1186

i am quite stubborn.. but in this case i realize that people are going to think what they may.. .....

........thanks for readin.. you deserve a cookie.. *hands the reader a cookie of thier choice*

I'm more in that frame of mind now but it is nice to see that other people have felt to same way and I don't know..I guess it's a whole thing of "you understand, not entirely, but more than others" that's why people've put their stories on here. I would put mine on (I did briefly) but it's too painful for me to do  

[blackrose1186]

Isobel Bellamy

blackrose1186

i am quite stubborn.. but in this case i realize that people are going to think what they may.. .....

........thanks for readin.. you deserve a cookie.. *hands the reader a cookie of thier choice*

I'm more in that frame of mind now but it is nice to see that other people have felt to same way and I don't know..I guess it's a whole thing of "you understand, not entirely, but more than others" that's why people've put their stories on here. I would put mine on (I did briefly) but it's too painful for me to do

well at least someone understands that it takes too much to hate.. i mean i understand how it is to cut cuz of all my crap.. but i understand how hard it is to stop too  

[The True Raistlin Majere]

blackrose1186

Isobel Bellamy

blackrose1186

i am quite stubborn.. but in this case i realize that people are going to think what they may.. .....

........thanks for readin.. you deserve a cookie.. *hands the reader a cookie of thier choice*

I'm more in that frame of mind now but it is nice to see that other people have felt to same way and I don't know..I guess it's a whole thing of "you understand, not entirely, but more than others" that's why people've put their stories on here. I would put mine on (I did briefly) but it's too painful for me to do

well at least someone understands that it takes too much to hate.. i mean i understand how it is to cut cuz of all my crap.. but i understand how hard it is to stop too

I think you are all correct. I will now ask a question about if you can just answer yes or no for this. You all know what its like to cut for a reason... well most of you do... and for you all that cut or had a friend cut, can you tell me WHY i should stop... im having a bit of a problem trying to stop cutting and i want everyones ideas on this. If you dont want other to know then PM me and ill pm back when i get back on or if im online then um.. pm me?... lol um.. yeah just pm if u dont want others to know about something but yeah... Should i stop cutting?... u saw my post before the one that was really short... well if you can help me out i would relaly thank you.
Thank you for reading and giving me advise so far...
Please comment.  

[Dr_lecter1988]

Shadow_Guitar

blackrose1186

Isobel Bellamy

blackrose1186

i am quite stubborn.. but in this case i realize that people are going to think what they may.. .....

........thanks for readin.. you deserve a cookie.. *hands the reader a cookie of thier choice*

I'm more in that frame of mind now but it is nice to see that other people have felt to same way and I don't know..I guess it's a whole thing of "you understand, not entirely, but more than others" that's why people've put their stories on here. I would put mine on (I did briefly) but it's too painful for me to do

well at least someone understands that it takes too much to hate.. i mean i understand how it is to cut cuz of all my crap.. but i understand how hard it is to stop too

I think you are all correct. I will now ask a question about if you can just answer yes or no for this. You all know what its like to cut for a reason... well most of you do... and for you all that cut or had a friend cut, can you tell me WHY i should stop... im having a bit of a problem trying to stop cutting and i want everyones ideas on this. If you dont want other to know then PM me and ill pm back when i get back on or if im online then um.. pm me?... lol um.. yeah just pm if u dont want others to know about something but yeah... Should i stop cutting?... u saw my post before the one that was really short... well if you can help me out i would relaly thank you.
Thank you for reading and giving me advise so far...
Please comment.

It is addicting, and if yo uneed a reason, think of that fact that your friends care about you, and that whenever you do it, they worry about you. it's not good to rely on it to get you through everything. I know in my case, i wasn;t happy with the little cuts anymore, I actually wanted tostab myself deep enough so i couldn't forget emotions any more, and thats why i stopped. when i started to think irrationally is why i started to fight it. why i finally started to resist the urges. no one can tell you not to do it. but I just suggest that it would be a good idea before you get to the point that i did.  

[blackrose1186]

Shadow_Guitar

blackrose1186

Isobel Bellamy

blackrose1186

i am quite stubborn.. but in this case i realize that people are going to think what they may.. .....

........thanks for readin.. you deserve a cookie.. *hands the reader a cookie of thier choice*

I'm more in that frame of mind now but it is nice to see that other people have felt to same way and I don't know..I guess it's a whole thing of "you understand, not entirely, but more than others" that's why people've put their stories on here. I would put mine on (I did briefly) but it's too painful for me to do

well at least someone understands that it takes too much to hate.. i mean i understand how it is to cut cuz of all my crap.. but i understand how hard it is to stop too

I think you are all correct. I will now ask a question about if you can just answer yes or no for this. You all know what its like to cut for a reason... well most of you do... and for you all that cut or had a friend cut, can you tell me WHY i should stop... im having a bit of a problem trying to stop cutting and i want everyones ideas on this. If you dont want other to know then PM me and ill pm back when i get back on or if im online then um.. pm me?... lol um.. yeah just pm if u dont want others to know about something but yeah... Should i stop cutting?... u saw my post before the one that was really short... well if you can help me out i would relaly thank you.
Thank you for reading and giving me advise so far...
Please comment.

well there are plenty of reasons.. one is that you get addicted, another is that it leaves horrid looking scars that will remind you of the mistakes of your past.. most of the time you want to forget these.. theres the fact that you dont want to have to resort to it every time you feel upset.. there's also the personal feeling of accomplishment that comes with overcoming a disorder (that is what it is) by yourself or with help.. and knowing you have better'd yourself. if for no other reason do if for the fact that you know your better than that and you dont need people saying your stupid for doing it.. cuz you know your not stupid.  

[x.X.xKittyx.X.x]

ellos. i kno how ppl feel when they cut. believe me i've been threw it. im one of the few that surve from it  

[x.X.xKittyx.X.x]

cutting is no joke. and people..plz dont do it to get attention or to fit in. its not cool and it IS a psychological problem and going to the psyk-ward is not as fun as ppl say it is. beleive me...i've been threw that s**t  

[Tears and Rain]

Dizzy

On a side note, I've always had trouble with my social life and around large crowds of people. I have some kinda severe paranoia that people are always judging me...

That sounds so stupidly like me... Only after they've judjed me they're talking about me... That type of thing with nobody liking me. Which is actually partly true I guess... Not many people know me yet all of them have judged me and decided not to like me.

I did hide my cuts but now I'm not so bothered about the scars 'cause my mum saw and all, I don't know how it changes anything but to me it does. I also found it really hard typing that, I was hyper which probably helped but I don't think I can ever tell someone face to face without crying because I can still remember the emotions and how awful I felt and how much I wanted to die when my parents split up, stupid after everything else I've gone through but if I was that bad about that one thing you can't imagine how I felt with everything else...  

[Tears and Rain]

themagikat

in 8th grade, on the night of january 26, 2001 i dreamt a whole new dream. it wasnt just like a movie, it was me walking through a whole new world. basically in it i saw the corpse of m,y grandfather (i'll skip the details). january 28, two days...

My birthday's January 27th... 0.o  

[themagikat]

its weird how many people have bdays/death days that coincide with mine. really, though, its weirder how many events (well really its what those events are thats weird) that happen on my bday.

for one, my roll model FDR was born on jan 30.
im a part time magician for starbucks in the holidays... and the acclaimed magician at my school. its odd too because the patron st of magicians died on jan 30. (bosco was his namo. even though its christian i still find it interesting)
hitler was brought into office on jan 30
ghandi died on jan 30
the list goes on and on and on

oh and the beatles played their last song on my bday, which is funny because i dont like their music. I ENDED IT ALL!!!!!

i just hate knowing that my grampa was buried on my bday. if i had the choice i would choose he die on it instead so everyone else didnt see me that day. but yeah, thats my story all over again  

[Babygurl5675]

I am a cutter. I don't do it cause I think it's "cool". I do it cause I feel I derserve it.Please don't ask me why I think that because I truly don't know.
I've had my heartbroken many a time. Guys I've loved have step on my heart.For this, I have a hard time trusting my boyfriend. I'm afraid that he will do the same. I do love him with all my heart.
My mother did drugs.She did them for years and I was offten looked to for emotional support for her.She is a great women and I love her dearly. She is now in rehab for her drugs.
I never knew my real father. The dumb b*****d left my mother when she was pregnant with me. I personally hope he rots in hell.
Sorry my post is so long. I just had to rant.Thank you for letting me do so xd