⎾ MOROSIS ⏌

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Even if he could convince him to come stay in Germany he knew it would be difficult. Unlike Abel, Kieran was nowhere near fluent in the language. Sure there were areas where tourists and other foreign residents liked to hang out, he maybe find more English speakers there. But then there was the question of food, how well he would like the area, if he wanted to work. How would Kieran adjust to all of that? For Jakob it was a lot easier as he was familiar with all of it and a natural born citizen. He could maybe support them both, but he wondered if that kind of life would make Kieran happy.

As Jakob kissed the man, he couldn't help being greedy. He soon felt Kieran him pull him even closer, his chest pressed against his own. He didn't mind the hand that slipped into his hair. Reaching up, Jakob draped his arms around Kieran's neck as they kissed. He too had been unsatisfied with that first kiss. He had been too afraid to address what it meant and how much he still cared for Kieran. With every brush of his lips he could feel how much Kieran still loved him, all the hurt he had been through, and the desperation to convey that. Jakob drank it all in, savoring it as though it were his last. Parting his lips, he kissed him even deeper until his lungs felt like they were ready to give out. And even then he didn't want to let go.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • ❛ 𝙅𝙪𝙙𝙜𝙚, 𝙅𝙪𝙧𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙀𝙭𝙚𝙘𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧.❜



Being taken care of by Miguel held no interest in him. He knew it was probably selfish after all Abel took care of him at the moment. However he provided for Abel in his own way. Kirean wasn't even sure how to provide for Miguel. He wasn't going to be some kept lover.

Kissing Miguel, he felt his arms slip around his neck. Kirean held onto Miguel his fingers threaded into his hair and his other caressed his back. He felt the kiss deepen with every second. Kirean too didn't want the kiss to end, however his lungs started to burn. He kissed Miguel a few more times before pulling back to gulp in a few breaths.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

He didn't understand why it would be okay for Abel to take care of Kieran, but not him. Then again, he supposed it was something like a trade off. Kieran got room, board, food, spending money all in exchange for whatever job Abel needed him for. If Kieran stayed here he could have all those things, but he didn't really need him for work since he already had a job. Jakob didn't want to use him or take advantage, keeping him here for the sake of a relationship would likely make him feel exactly that.

Jakob continued to kiss him deeply, clinging fiercely as he did. It wasn't long before the need for air started to become annoying but still he clung. He was given a few more softer kisses, each one Jakob returned before he finally pulled away. Panting softly, Jakob kept his eyes closed as he leaned his head a little against Kieran. "I don't want to let you go. I can't." he whispered softly, switching languages as his words were only meant for Kieran. Taking another breath, Jakob pulled his head back to look at him a moment, his eyes full of sorrow and longing.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • ❛ 𝙅𝙪𝙙𝙜𝙚, 𝙅𝙪𝙧𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙀𝙭𝙚𝙘𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧.❜



Pulling back to breath, he watched Miguel who kept his eyes closed and leaned his head against his own. Kirean breathed in, regaining his breath. He listened as Miguel spoke though only toward him. The words hurt as he felt the same though didn't know what to do. Kirean wasn't too keen on leaving Miguel again though he couldn't say for sure things would work out between them again. He watched as Miguel soon pulled back to look at him as he opened his eyes. Kirean didn't know what to say or make false promises.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

After finding his breath Jakob spoke softly. His Portuguese was a little rough from lack of use, but he knew that Kieran understood him all the same. He watched the male carefully, waiting, hoping that he would say something. When he said nothing he felt a familiar twinge of pain and fear. "Please." he whispered, as if it would change his mind. He took a breath to calm down. "Kieran, please." His voice cracking slightly. His hands slid down from Kieran's neck to his chest. Swallowing hard, Jakob fought against his emotions. He couldn't cry again, crying wasn't helping him. But he couldn't help it, he just missed him so much, his first love.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • ❛ 𝙅𝙪𝙙𝙜𝙚, 𝙅𝙪𝙧𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙀𝙭𝙚𝙘𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧.❜



Sitting there, Abel felt like a third wheel. He wondered if he should have gone back to Miguel's apartment. As they sat there, the conversation was turning more. Abel could only guess what Miguel had been saying to Kirean. He didn't understand why Miguel was trying so hard. Abel knew Miguel didn't care for him in such a way, as he was and always would be a surrogate to his feelings. However Abel knew too his feelings didn't matter, he couldn't make Miguel happy anymore.

Kirean wasn't sure what to say. He wasn't too sure on the idea of uprooting everything just to be happy. Kirean wanted Miguel, though he couldn't promise to make him happy. Their relationship already had previous bumps in the road. He only wordered if they could sustain each other. Kirean listened as Miguel begged of him, his voice cracking. He didn't like seeing Miguel in such a way. Kirean felt an ache in his chest. ”I don't want to be apart from you either, but what would you have me do?...” He questioned in Portuguese as well. Kirean worried about supporting Miguel but also making him happy. He knew he hadn't been the best in their relationship. Kirean hardly understood how Miguel could still want him.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Without meaning to he had once again pushed Abel out of the conversation. Since they entered the room his attention had been solely on Kieran and all of their woes. He knew it was unfair to force him to keep listening to their conversation. Jakob could only imagine the things Abel must have thought about him, and how dreadfully desperate he must have been. He would understand if his actions turned Abel off, maybe even cost him a few points in terms of respect and dignity. He attempted to save himself from further judgements by talking directly with Kieran, casting Abel out even more. Though he did not know what he was saying, he could guess, and he was likely hurting Abel as well.

As a silence grew between them Jakob turned to begging. He didn't know what he was expecting. It was crazy of him to even think that Kieran would just uproot his whole life to come here. And still he tried. Jakob didn't care about their previous bumps and frequent fights. At the end of the day he still loved Kieran and he wanted to be with him. When the male questioned him again, he knew what he was asking made sense. But still the words hurt. "W-w-we could be together...You could come visit or get a visa. Leave the mob stuff behind...A-and you could learn the language..." his voice trailed as did his argument. To be honest he had nothing to offer Kieran outside of the promise of a new relationship. And even then he didn't know how to make Kieran happy. It seemed at every turn he was making him angry or upset. Glancing away, fresh hot tears spilled down his cheeks. He knew that there was nothing else he could say to convince him

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • ❛ 𝙅𝙪𝙙𝙜𝙚, 𝙅𝙪𝙧𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙀𝙭𝙚𝙘𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧.❜



It was hard not to be hurt by Miguel's sudden actions. He was being pushed out of the conversation on purpose. Abel watched, feeling annoyed and uncomfortable by the sudden turn of events. He could see things weren't going the way Miguel had hoped. Abel shifted in the bed. He was finding the conversation turning more desperate and unappealing. Abel didn't understand what Miguel had expected. He felt shame for his own ideas after all he'd only come to see Miguel cause he thought the worst.

Kirean was scared of leaving everything behind for Miguel. He loved him and yet he worried. Their relationship had been harsh and not at all entirely pleasant. Kirean had enjoyed the short time they had though knew he wasn't the best boyfriend and had continued to hurt Miguel mentally. He couldn't promise to be perfect.

As Miguel spoke about his options, he wasn't sure. He knew Miguel had family here and responsibility just as he did back home. Kirean would have run away before though now he wasn't so sure. He felt like he barely knew the man before him.

The idea of visiting was something he could agree to but not living together. Kirean watched as Miguel continued to cry. ”I can't leave everything behind but I can come visit.” He responded as he tried to compromise.

Abel moved to get off the bed. He was glad the two of them were talking. Abel obviously wasn't needed anymore. He moved to slip his shoes back on and head to the door. Abel could probably entertain himself another way. He didn't want to sit and be the third wheel to the pity party.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

It had not been his intention to hurt Abel, but, somehow he kept doing exactly that from the moment he didn't return his phone call. This whole time Abel had been worried about him while he stupidly pined for something that was better off left in the past. Jakob didn't blame Abel for thinking ill of him. After all, he was acting like some desperate whore. He barely noticed the bed shift as he tried again to convince Kieran to stay with him. Jakob hardly believed his own words and the way his voice trailed only proved as much. There was nothing left to save.

As Jakob cried he remembered all of their time together. It was never perfect between them. In fact there were days were he knew he was better off separating from Kieran for good. But like a fool, he went back. He knew deep down that Kieran wasn't a bad person. He was someone with a lot of baggage. When they weren't fighting, or getting on each others' nerves, he was one of the kindest people he'd ever met. Which made letting him go even harder. He wasn't ready to let go of that memory. It was felt like a hot knife to his jugular and he was gasping for air.

Jakob tried his best to offer Kieran reasons to stay, but it wasn't enough. It would never be enough, they weren't those people anymore. And just like he had his family and life here in Germany, Kieran had all of that back in the states. It was an impossible choice to make for something so broken and fragile. Wiping at his face, he waited for the inevitable resounding no. When Kieran spoke, he nodded silently. Visits, right. Like what they were having right now with a limited time crunch hanging above their heads before he had to go back.

As the bed shifted again, he glanced briefly towards the other man. Jakob didn't bother to ask where he was going as he was certain that Abel would not even tell him. He also didn't offer him his keys to his flat as he feared that if he did, he would come home to find Abel's things gone and him along with them. Casting the unwanted thought aside, he looked back at Kieran. "What if it's not enough?" he asked. "Will you really be okay with a few visits throughout the year and having to schedule texts and phone calls just so we can say goodnight?"

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • ❛ NUMQUAM TIMEBUNT UMBRAE❜


Not being stopped only hurt more. Abel wasn't surprised after all he was just the surrogate. He probably meant nothing to Miguel. Abel couldn't help the rushing thoughts inside his head. He opened the door and slammed it behind him not caring that he was being noisy. Abel started toward the elevator and pressed the down button. Indeed if Miguel had offered him his keys he would gather his things and go home.

Kirean wasn't surprised as Abel had left. Though the slam to the door was harsh. He turned his attention back to Miguel as he spoke. Kirean understood his worry. He shifted pulling Miguel closer, ”It's a start or nothing at all.” Things could change but they needed to at least take things slow and not rush.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

By not stopping him, he knew that he had only dug deeper into what was a fresh wound. It seemed almost fitting though. He harder he fought for one man, the more likely he was bound to lose the other. Though he was wrong in his thinking. Abel was hardly a surrogate. He cared for him, almost as much and as deeply as he cared for Kieran. Jakob knew he should have said something, shown him that he wasn't forgotten. But he wasn't sure that he would even listen. Jakob flinched as the door was slammed. He was going to have to do a lot of groveling later if wanted back into Abel's good graces. For now it would have to wait, even if he did catch up he didn't think his presence would be wanted.

With Abel gone, they were able to talk a bit more freely. Jakob pondered Kieran's own offer before questioning him. Once again, he allowed the male pull him closer. He leaned his head against the male chest as he spoke. Another sad tear slid down his nose. He knew what he was saying made sense. Start small and maybe after some time had passed, they could work towards something more permanent. "I don't want nothing...I've done the nothing and I hate it." he said softly. Staring down at the space between them he knew this was for the best. If he rejected this offer now, there would be no others. There would be no more trying and he would likely be asked to leave. Then he would truly have nothing.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • ❛ NUMQUAM TIMEBUNT UMBRAE❜


Indeed it was probably best Miguel hadn't gone after him. He'd probably only lash out at him. Abel didn't understand Miguel's desire to be with someone who only hurt him. He knew Kirean was damaged but wasn't entirely uncaring. Abel was jealous of the continued ability for Miguel to see more in Kirean. He knew he couldn't make Miguel happy though he tried in his own way.

Holding onto Miguel, he felt him shift and lean against him. Kirean didn't want to rush things between them. He wanted to take things slow. If Miguel couldn't agree then what was the point. Kirean listened as Miguel spoke, hearing him agree to his terms. He leaned down, turning his head as he kissed Miguel's neck to comfort him.