[PRP] too much to talk about (shiloh & jeremiah)

[azuredreams]

"Possibly longer," Jeremiah admitted, "depending on when it resets to but we still don't know how it will occur. This world is different and our other ashdown has influenced it." He was quiet then, as Shiloh's expression shifted. It was one he thought was familiar, one he-

His eyes did not leave Shiloh as he spoke, unwilling to do so even as Hellbine was playing with Bean. The small white cat peeked back and forth around the young man before pouncing at Bean but always landing right in front of him (never actually on him though he did nose at him a couple times; a small bise).

"That ... yes, that would probably do irreparable damage to you. Warp your mind in ways that are utterly different than the fact that I live and breathe by being able to feel and be bolstered by Algie's emotions." The implication there that he actually felt them, counted on them to be there to keep him going. A breath escaped after a lengthy silence. "If, for some reason, something does happen, Beaumont. I can do something if you want - if we cannot put an end to this, if we cannot somehow make sure Jamie moves with you ..." Jeremiah's expression was somber, serious, and his eyes were brighter than normal. This was a man resigned to the fact that horrible things were going to happen and they might have to do things that would not be remotely okay. "Only if the worst happens and no solution remains. I know this is a horrible thing to say, to speak about, but this is the kind of situation we are in. I would, in all honesty, request the same for myself. I refuse to turn into whatever thing I might have been in other cycles." The Jeremiah Mercer that was capable of taking nobility by conquest versus being a tithe.

"You are right, however, that it is essentially what they did. They took all the magic and bound it up somehow. Not only Renard and Liam but magic itself. It concerns me, to be frank, that that much magic lurks within and what could happen if it was released suddenly." His fingers stretched outward and then settled onto his leg. "This reminds me that I spoke with Pride- his magic is unstable, a side-effect of the change and state of the Charter. When we proceed forward with the creation of a new Charter, I do not believe we should keep the three deer in place. Pride has implied he is tired of all of this. Mina ..."

He frowned, thinking about what they had discussed.

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

Shiloh was absolutely silent as he listened to Jeremiah speak. His eyes weren't the same bright blue, but they were cold like steel and dark as they watched Jeremiah's mouth, like he couldn't believe what he was hearing, like he could hardly parse what he was trying to explain. But then it caught up to him in a wild rush, and Shiloh felt like his rib cage was about to explode from the forced momentum.

And then he laughed, quiet at first, and then his eyes stared right past Hellbine as they looked to the ground. The laughter built and built until suddenly he made an awful wheeze of a sound; was that his option, then? Fix the cage before the reset or get willingly murdered? Was this how Adoelle felt when she asked for her throat to be slit? Oh, but she hadn't fallen off the deep end, had she? Or had she, since she decided carving open the back of a girl was a good idea?

"You don't have to worry about that Mercer," Shiloh's words were harsh and venomous and bitter, "I can ******** kill myself if it comes to that, I ******** guess." He wheezed again, and then coughed, his head shaking back and forth, "D'you think everyone else is gonna think that way too? 'Poor b*****d Beaumont lost his spaghetti 'cause his boyfriend is dead, better kill him.' Do you think it'd be a mercy kill? Do you think they'd do it 'cause it's necessary, just like the other principals?" He looked up again, "What about my principality? Would you find a way to pass that off like a baton too? Or would you get rid of the other ones and start over? You know, I asked Ollie about that too a long time ago, if we should just start over again. Maybe that's all we need, a new fresh ******** slapped his tiny hand against Shiloh's cheek, the action soft enough that it didn't even make a sound, but Shiloh still flinched. Suddenly he didn't look so hawkish anymore. He just looked like a tired ******** kid.

"Whatever man." He voice cracked like he almost wanted to cry, "Whatever. It's not like you're gonna lose Algernon. I never ******** asked for this you know." When Shiloh breathed it sounded hoarse and ragged, "Maybe I should just do it now and get it over with, what do you think?"

azuredreams

 

[azuredreams]

Jeremiah was quiet, very quiet. Hellbine had frozen in place, looking between the pair and then finding Bean to curl around protectively like a small furry blanket. Not that it mattered because the Sprout was moving to Shiloh and-

Hellbine butted against Shiloh's leg a moment later, even if his voice cracked and Jeremiah still watched.

"I think," he said quietly, "that you are made of stronger things than that. That it is not the solution." Than killing himself and putting an end to it right now. His fingers stretched in and out, fire flickering at the tips of them and then disappearing.

"You did not ask for any of this responsibility, nobility or principality, but here you are burdened with glorious," the word was bitter on his lips, "purpose that will likely do more harm than good to you in the long run." He focused on Shiloh still, eyes startlingly bright blue but strangely without the glow. "If you want to know the truth? I would fight until the bitter end to make sure you live. Regardless of the fact that you are a Principal, regardless of you being a Noble. You and Jamie both. I am tired of death, Beaumont, I am tired of failing. Tired of all of our steps and motions being for naught because something else happened that was not accounted for or some other thing, ages past, has completely and utterly <******** us over."

Even with moments like this, his voice was even and calm. It was the eyes that changed, the set of his brow or the line of his lips. "I would rather you find some measure of happiness, yet I have learned time and time again that we are frequently denied this." A breath escaped, sharp. His fingers curled again and released. "It is tiring and it will, ultimately, drive us all mad. It is why living forever is unwise, why it must be stopped and changed." His shoulders rolled, his eyes finally closing and - for a moment - he did look tired. Tired and worn. "Beaumont, Shiloh, you are burden with more than most. People twice your age would buckle where you have not but here you are and here you will be. When I said what I did, I spoke in a dire situation that I do not want to see occur but, if I have learned anything, the worst often comes. If anything, I honestly expect that were the worst to happen - Jamie dies - you would still recover and go on. I just want to avoid that, and everything else, and see this all stop. Return the world to the state it was before it was ******** by the cage and the original Sigil."

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

"Yeah? You really think?" Rather than sounding consoled, it sounded sarcastic, almost hysterical, "You really think I'm made of stronger things than that? Gee Mercer, thanks."

"I don't need you telling me s**t I already know. All you adults are the ******** same. You all think you know ******** everything." He was glowering, "You're all condescending pricks at the end of the day. You don't ******** understand me you know? You're trying to level yourself like we're in the same ******** boat, but we ain't even in the same ******** ocean. First you're telling me 'oh yeah, the charter and the Court are great opportunities for breaking the cage', and then you turn around and tell me it's gonna drive us all mad? That it has to be stopped? Yeah, no ******** s**t." He took a deep breath.

Shiloh didn't exhale, not for a long while, but the air was tense and thick and the smell of rain was more like thunder. The wind wasn't blowing, but the trees were moving, the shrubs were moving, the grass was moving like it has an unscratchable itch.

"Like you offer to kill me and then backpedal. Like, you really don't get it. You really don't. There's no ******** recovering from any of this. Do you think I'm recovered now? Did Ezra have his fetches hold you down while they broke your legs? Did they shatter your collarbone? Did they methodically break every single one of your toes before smashing your ankles?" His eyes were hollow, "Have you ever been skinned alive? Have you ever been so broken you forgot the one ******** thing that was important to you? Do you really know what it means to lose everything? I still haven't gotten it all back. I never will. She took things that you can't replace."

He stood up, pointedly ignoring Hellbine.

"And it's going to be stuck like that. I'm not getting a reset button Jeremiah. I don't get a do-over, not anymore. If your sense of justice tells you someday that I can't handle myself anymore, then fine, ******** kill me. I know this game. The Madame never hurt my hands. Do you know why? Because she valued my art and she found them useful. When I lose my ability to reason then I'll just be wiped off the map and have my principality passed over to someone else's hands." Shiloh's hands were clenching and unclenching, "That's just how it goes. You're preserved so long as you fit a need, and then whenever you stop serving that purpose you're gone." He smiled a tiny bit, "Unless you got power, I guess. Then I guess you're untouchable."

Bean was wringing his tiny hands.

azuredreams

 

[azuredreams]

"The standard accusation." That he knew everything. "I would be the first to tell you that I do not know everything and even what I know? It is suspect." Jeremiah sighed, remained sitting and did not move. His face was impassive even as Shiloh spoke. For all the glowering, he seemed unmoved. Even in the presence of power he would foolishly remain. "But if you wish to compare notes? Fine. I have watched the man I love die. I watched as every bit of his flesh was flayed from him, then his muscles, and it kept peeling from him until his heart was exposed and it burst." There was no tone, his voice was dead. "I know what it is to die. To have a burning sludge fill my nostrils and throat and become a heavyweight in my lungs that burned me from the inside out and suffocated me.

"That was before Father took me, before he indoctrinated me, before my mind was warped. No, my bones were not broken, but I have been burned alive. To slowly heal, unable to move or do anything but think of the pain and learn, quite well, the lesson that he wanted to impart to me. It was months of time I lost to that bed, my entire body alight with pain. No, it was nothing like what happened to you but it still happened. Just like there are others who suffered while they were tithes. Our lives are suffering that we must move past and continue on.

"You are foolish to think there is no recovery. Recovery happens. It is as if you are saying that Lady could not recover from her time within the Court, as a tithe to both Father and Melany, that Rabbit could not either, or that I cannot. It takes time, it could in theory take forever, it takes being away from that which hurt you- you are, in fact, on the path of recovery now. Seeing the Spinel Lady put away, freeing Melany of her presence, is a step in taking back what she took from you. Regaining some piece of yourself." Jeremiah was, at his heart, foolishly hopeful. It was one of a small handful of things that kept him going. That recovery was possible and that something could be done.

"It is not backpedaling. You said it yourself, though it is far from my sense of justice that would have me act but I digress, that it only comes if you are no longer yourself- if you become something that merely bares your name but is not, in truth, Shiloh Beaumont. You I would save, but some thing that resembles you? No, I would not. Likewise, I would expect the same of any Noble, myself included." Which was why he had said even himself. "It is not the point. The point is that you do have the power. More than nearly anyone else, save a small handful of people. The ball is, as they say, in your court. You could probably do something to save Jamie, to prevent him from dying should the cycle reset or whatever it is that occurs. You could even make your own reset button, Shiloh if you wanted to. You have the power. Not that I am saying anything that you don't already know." That look on Shiloh's face seemed to imply it, after all. "You don't need me to tell you these things."

Melancholies

 

[Melancholies]

Shiloh stared at him for a long, long while. Bean had scampered off in the meantime, apparently unable to handle the tension. The trees stopped moving, the grass stopped rippling, and Shiloh was still sans for the rising and falling of his chest. Birds chirped, but everything else was inevitably just fading into background radiation.

"You're right," He said slowly, "I don't need you to tell me these things."

The world hiccuped right then, as if Shiloh's words had some sort of unfortunate weight to them, the air dulling out in a quick burst before returning to normal, the boundary of the Otherworld slipping like an earthquake in a fault line, Shiloh's emotions jarring together as they fought for first place—and then it was clear none of them won, because his eyes dulled and his muscles relaxed and he felt nothing at all.

He almost looked a little elated.

"I already know I'm foolish. Haven't you been listening to a word I said?" He tilted his head and the soft golden curls of his hair fell in his face. "I'm glad Ezra let you lay in bed while you healed. I never got that luxury. But you know what?" His face wasn't glowering anymore, it was harsh and sharp and absolutely hawkish, as if the picket fence of the backyard was the white marble of Court; that's where Shiloh felt like he was—"At least I learned something. I didn't turn into a pretentious ******** d**k like you apparently did. Maybe we can 'compare notes' some other time too? Yeah? ******** you."

He sounded absolutely insulted.

"You can find your way to the goddamn front door." Shiloh turned away, "Maybe a millennia of serving the Charter'll finally give you some sort of ******** understanding."

azuredreams