Where Fat Cells Come to Die (30 lb loss)

[Euthanasia Phase]

It's been a rough few days. I've been really angry at life lately due to a combination of my thesis, not having any close friends on campus, and generally being annoyed at everyone. I slipped up on the diet, and ate a bunch of high-calorie food - which was particularly bad because this was over about three days. Not one, like usual when I screw up.

Yesterday in particular didn't go well - I logged onto facebook and happened to see someone whom I hate in the "friends suggestion" area - she had just joined facebook. She's part of the reason I lost all my friends at school, it's a long story that I won't go into, but of course I clicked on the profile. I want to say that she's an ugly b***h, but she was actually wearing a beautiful black dress that looked kind of Victorian and Scottish at the same time. I basically had a meltdown about how ugly, fat, stupid, disgusting and detestable I seemed in comparison (even though she's not doing a thesis as a science major - everyone just considers her better in every way because she's their friend). My diet then got way out of hand and now I'm likely at square one again.

I hate this. I do really well for around four or five days, then ******** up because something pisses me off and I use food as consolation, or to make me sluggish so I don't have as much angry energy.

I was fairly close to 26 points today, and will strictly count everything tomorrow. Probably no weight for a few days.  

[Euthanasia Phase]

Weight: didn't check

Exercise: walking dogs for two hours biggrin

Points: 26/26

Lunch: ham and cheese wrap with veggies, mustard and mayo, cherry coke

Dinner: easy mac, diet green tea

Snack: cheese and crackers, diet green tea

Stuck to the diet today. Finished all homework except for 15 more pages of thesis revisions (total of 80 pages so that's actually pretty good). I'm supposed to have it finished by tomorrow, though, so I'll be getting up super early tomorrow to make progress.

I've decided to weigh in tomorrow. If I don't like the number, I can try going more than a week without screwing up.  

[Euthanasia Phase]

Weight: 200.4 lbs
NO LOSS/GAIN (since last weigh-in)

Exercise: none (day off)

Points: 26/26 (even though technically 26 points is in the 190s)

Lunch: Oriental chicken salad, diet Dr. Pepper

Dinner: easy mac, rice krispie treat, diet green tea

Looks like I'm redeemed from my calorie-happy escapade a few days ago, which is surprising and pleasing. It's motivational in that I thought I'd have to start from the beginning (or worse) again and instead I'm where I left off. This also might be a bad thing in that I've shown I can get away with it once in awhile, which could lead to stronger temptations.

Time to go kick some thesis a**!  

[Euthanasia Phase]

THESIS DRAFT IS DONE FINALLY.

Weight: 199.4 lbs
LOSS: 1.0 lbs

Exercise: going to gym, will do 30 min. on bike

Points: 26/26

Lunch: water, turkey and cheese wrap with veggies, mustard, and a little mayo

Dinner: Lean Cuisine chicken parmesan, rice krispies treat, diet green tea

Snack: (going to eat after workout) watermelon

This is the lowest I've been since starting this journal, so it feels good to be losing "new" weight within this time frame instead of the same two or three pounds over and over again. Things have calmed down a little with my schoolwork as well, thankfully.  

[Roslin]

Glad to see you got some of your stress gone, my friend has been working on her thesis all semester and it seems pretty stressful.

Congrats on getting to see new weights. Plateaus can be annoying, like the one I've been having for like a month now -_-  

[Euthanasia Phase]

@Roslin: Thanks! The defense is tomorrow, so it'll be a huge relief when that's over. Good luck to you overcoming your plateau and your friend finishing her thesis!

Well, I haven't been too cooperative lately. Stress won over willpower for the past week. I haven't weighed myself during that time, because I don't want to see the number over 200 which it's probably at right now.

Motivation is difficult to attain once again - it seems that losing weight won't help my looks because I'll still be ugly, won't help my hiking abilities because I'll still have a lousy sense of balance, and won't help my interactions with people because I'll be too pissed at them for previously judging my weight to get along with them.

Diet has also been a big problem - no car means no way to get to the grocery store and buy healthy food. Stuck on campus, most of the food is outrageously high in calories and fat. Once I started paying attention to nutrition facts, I was surprised my heart hadn't stopped a long time ago. For example, a sandwich with regular wheat bread, two slices of lean turkey and one slice of cheese contains 30 grams of fat and 14 weight watchers points. HOW? It's only here; everywhere else the values seem reasonable. I've found that my school does carry lean cuisines, which are a much healthier option, so I've been eating those recently.

The deal is that I still need to stick with this because 1) my weight loss motivates my parents to take better care of themselves and 2) if I don't lose, I'll gain, which would be REALLY bad. So, I've decided that for a week, as long as I comply with weight watchers (with 10 flex points during the week if a special occasion arises), there will be no weight checking. If I cheat, I'll have to check my weight the next morning.

Exercise: none, thanks to defense tomorrow I stressercized instead

Points: 26/26
Lunch: LC broccoli and potatoes w/cheese, rice krispies treat, cherry pepsi
Dinner: LC chicken parmesan, doritos, honestade tea  

[Euthanasia Phase]

Ok, so I've been really struggling with motivation and self doubt issues the past few days, but I may have gotten my motivation back.
It's not weight so much that's at the center of it, so much as doubting my own creativity and worth as a person...because at my school nobody is encouraging or even bothers to say hello. And frankly, sometimes I wonder why I should bother with anything other than earning good grades. My motivation to become more of a human in general has been drained, mainly because this campus does not regard me as one.
For instance, I've wanted for the longest time to start a darkwave/electronic music project (I compose classical, but have never tried other genres). Lately, I've doubted my creative capacities to the extent where it's become severely depressing, because in my composition class everyone else is really pro-guitar or into straight techno and it's not my thing.
Finally the other day I was in a depressed mood, and was listening to Yendri, music I'm VERY obsessed with. I thought about how it's always helped me every time I feel horrible and worthless, and decided to send the artist behind Yendri some fan mail, basically saying how much I've enjoyed the unique sound of her music and how much it's consoled me and brought me back to when my imagination fully functioned.
I'd never sent fan mail before to anyone - but I loved her music too much not to at this point. Within less than an hour, she replied. And let me tell you, I always thought she'd seemed talented and intelligent and like a kind, awesome person. She was all that and more - she sent back a really amazing reply talking a bit about the creative process behind her music and about her views on music theory, and she mentioned that she was flattered. You could tell she really cares about her fans and is a true person, not an icon who sees fans as dollar bills. What got me most, though, was that she said that my "music might be everything an artist like her would hope music to be", encouraging me to try and get my imagination back in full swing. I cried when I read that - and now I'm planning on getting the project going!
Not just the project, though. Everything I've wanted to accomplish and didn't have the motivation for. So I'm here, and I mean to make all my goddamned goals work. I didn't weigh in today, but last time I checked it was 200.2 lbs. I've gained a little weight, but it's nothing I can't lose. Good luck to you all and I will be diligently journaling tomorrow.  

[Euthanasia Phase]

Didn't check weight. I feel bloated again because it's that time of the month, so I may wait until that's over to check.

Points:25/26 (Can't figure out what the hell to do with that last point...)

Lunch: cheese enchiladas, cranberry lemonade honestade (this stuff is sooooo good)

Dinner: LC chicken parmesan, baked bbq chips, diet green tea

Snack: orange mango honestade

Exercise: none yet, not sure if there's time

Tonight's going to be a busy night - the composition recital is approaching and I've been trying to find string players for my theremin-string quintet piece. A few have responded, but the others say they're "really busy". I then find that they're not so busy when it comes to performing in my classmates' compositions. Therefore, I have to rewrite the entire string section into a piano accompaniment before ******** them - I have one more week of this s**t and they'll have a lot more to put up with before it's all over. I do wish I had time for exercise, though I've noticed that diet makes a much bigger difference in my weight.  

[Lainauriel]

Hey just to say hi, im at college too, writing my final thesis soon, its going to be a mess. I just want to wish you good luck and please, believe in yourself, you are the first who has to believe, then the others will too!  

[Euthanasia Phase]

@Lainauriel: Thanks! (and good luck with your thesis, have some confidence in it! pirate )

Weight: didn't check

Points: 26/26

Lunch: LC potatoes with cheese and broccoli, diet green tea

Dinner: LC chicken parmesan, cheerios bar, peppermint patty, diet green tea

Snack: slice of chocolate cake (actually ate that late last night, but counted it for today)

Exercise: looks like none again because things are getting chaotic again.

Only a few more days of classes left, and finals are not going to be too bad. However, the summer isn't going to be too relaxing - I'll be searching for housing in LA for grad school, because my advisor there suggested I arrive early to work on research projects to get adjusted before classes start. It sounds like a good deal, but at the same time I'm worried things will become so cluttered that I won't ever have time for my musical projects...and I don't even want to mention that to my parents because they'll just keep telling me to focus on what needs to be done.  

[Euthanasia Phase]

Weight: 198.6 lbs
LOSS: 0.8 lbs (since last "official" weigh-in)

Exercise: none (gym was closed and I got a bunch of schoolwork done)

Points: 26/26

Lunch: cheese enchiladas, honestade cranberry lemonade

Dinner: LC chicken parmesan, rice krispies treat, peppermint patty, diet green tea

Snack: diet pepsi

I'm still motivated, albeit a tad bit misanthropic today, mainly due to the fact that the gym was closed because of a campus-wide dance. Of course, "everyone's" welcome but I know full well if I went to it I'd be standing awkwardly talking to nobody the entire time. So once again, my plans are ******** due to the greater good.
Also, I finished transcribing a string quintet accompaniment for piano, thanks to a few string players bailing out on my composition recital on Monday. It doesn't sound good at all now - the strings and theremin were supposed to enter gradually to make the piece all eerie, and percussive instruments would ruin it. Therefore, it's ruined. Whoopee.  

[Euthanasia Phase]

Weight: 198.8 lbs
GAIN: +0.2 lbs

Exercise: none (three projects right now)

Points: 26/26

Lunch: LC potatoes with cheese and broccoli, small hot fudge sundae with nuts, honestade cranberry lemonade

Dinner: cheese enchiladas, diet green tea

The attack of the water weight strikes again! (although a wimpy strike this time...)  

[Lainauriel]

Ugh i hate water. I started drinking those 2l a day and i gained 2 pounds. I hate it. I might just give up. Not to mention the non stop peeing. Im there every half an hour biggrin .  

[Euthanasia Phase]

@Lainauriel: Me too! And when most of it's diet green tea instead of water, that makes it more like every 15 min. rolleyes However, tea does seem to be helping with weight loss, so if you're sick of water it might be worth it.

Weight: 197.6 lbs
LOSS: -1.2 lbs

Exercise: none (but my projects are coming along reeeeaaal nicely...damn I'm ready to graduate)

Points: 26/26

Lunch: LC chicken parmesan, bbq chips, diet green tea

Dinner: cheese enchiladas, diet green tea

Snack: orange mango honestade

Motivation: 9/10

So in an effort to quantify all things possible, I'm going to start tracking my motivation. It was going to be an 8/10 but some more trip photos were tagged on facebook. Granted, this was at my starting weight but 9 pounds is nothing at 5'9", sadly.  

[Euthanasia Phase]

Weight: 196.0 lbs
LOSS: -1.6 lbs

Exercise: none (between a project, thesis revisions and a composition recital I was swamped. Honestly. I swear tomorrow won't be so bad and I'll hit the gym.)

Points: 26/26

Lunch: LC chicken parmesan, rice krispies treat, diet green tea

Dinner: 6" turkey sub on wheat with bacon, cheese, veggies and chipotle from Subway (thank you parents!), bbq chips, light lemonade

Snack: cranberry lemonade honestade

Motivation: 11/10 (My parents offered to buy another footlong sub for tomorrow so I don't have to eat lean cuisines for once...and it's still in the fridge. All of it.)

This brings me to a 10 lb total loss, which is exciting. Double digits always are, I guess. Anyhow, I'm going to revel in the good news and blissfully ignore the case of salt bloat I'll likely have tomorrow.