cutting... what you think about it

[themagikat]

Dr_lecter1988

[ D i z z y ]

ceilisidhe

In all fairness I've known a few people who have gotten hurt and been able to photograph it and the bloodloss in the cuts1-4 aren't enough to cause anything more than major dizzyness but that aside it's clear they are fake due the simple laws of physics. Notice the drain lines? The way the blood follows the curve of the palm perfectly? Lack of any clotting? No side runoff from holding one's arm horizontal? Sad, really.

As for myself it was never for attention, breaking up, coolness factor, suicide prevention, etc... it was always alone, discreet and emotionless...to remind myself to feel when I was unable to. My blade was delicate, sanitary(yes, DIZZY-even boiled and alcohol-ed) and katana-sharp, my scars invisible 15 years later.

When attempting a common form of suicide, safety first!

I should start a safe-cutting campaign to spread awareness. oO

I'm not even going to Argue with dizzy, for i know better than to argue. I know I said i'd be avoidign theis thread, but when you can't feel anything, your world become surreal, and you don't know what is real or what isn't. *Shrugs*

couldnt have said it better myself  

[Neko-Goth-Death]

ceilisidhe

I believe weeping crimson to be an affirmation of life.....it helps to feel somethingwhen the entirety of your being is numb and nigh lifeless. Many uninformed(especially hack psychiatrists) would say self-mutilation is unhealthy and a sign of a mentally disturbed individual. Of course those same people would say the same about visiting cemetaries or living a gothic lifestyle...so what do they know anyway?

very true i cut because the pain inside is alot more then the pain i feel when i take a razor over my arm or something... i think its all up to the people who u ask... and i thank everyone of you for your comments im reading every one of them. Thank you.  

[Neko-Goth-Death]

misstree

i agree with a lot of what dr_lecter has to say.
lesser of two evils.
but don't ever think of it as good.
it's still a way of harming yourself,
and the Self is the center of worship,
all that is You in this world.

if it's all that you have,
use it,
but don't glorify it,
rely on it,
or accept it
except as last line of defense.

"rage against the dying of the light."

i like that... cool  

[Neko-Goth-Death]

[ Message temporarily off-line ]  

[Neko-Goth-Death]

ok for one... i dont know dizzy and 2 i dont see y she has anyones respect... she disses ppl she dont know and she yells at them for making this post... well this post is for INFO only and i really dont care right now cuz ur just beaing mean so o well kick me out i dont care ill live but just here me out
i like this guild
and the people in it
all i gota say is that u need to calm down and ASK before u yell at someone!
all i want is info on other peoples cutting so i can find out if i should stop or just say forget it and keep cutting till i cut to deep and die or something
so
i will be awaiting word from u dizzy as to if im being kicked out of not. Have a fine and o so happy day.... stare  

[[ D i z z y ]]

Neko-Goth-Death

[ D i z z y ]

Firstly,

Cutting is %#@*ing STUPID.*

Some people acutually think its cool or fashionable to cut yourself and walk around flashing these cuts around.

Whoever started this big trend among youth (mostly fashionable or "cool" teenagers; I''m not going to lable a specific group because its not just found in "emo" or "emotion" grouping.) should be shot (they''d probably thank you for it after).

If you''re all depressed because you lost your stupid boyfriend/girlfriend, or if your stepfather treats you like s**t, use the following options other than cutting yourself:

+ Run away and get a new family.
+ Rebel and go Goth or something. This gets us new members here at Got Goth?.
+ Join a Cult. That way you get to rebel, make new friends, and get communitive support all at the same time. And its fun.
+ Go get therapy. (I highly suggest this as a first option)
+ Get a *&%$ing life.

I''ve had enough of those cry babies complain to me about "how they like this boyfriends but he''s too old and they like some other dude but his sister is my best friends and hes older or this girl left me and now Im all sad because" and then rant on about how you cut yourself. These people annoy the hell outta me.

Cutting is a form of suicide. You might as well be hanging yourself. If you want to cut, then make sure you finish the job, rather than complain and whine about it all day. Unless you are truely ready to die, don''t cut.

And on the "don''t cross the road, walk down the street" thing (you cutters out there know what I''m talking about) its utterly stupid. Technically you bleed more through an horizontal cut, rather than a vertical one. This is because you slice though more veins this way, causing a direct cut off on many veins rather than just one or two.

And to top it all off, before people go all "you don''t know what its like to be all depressed" and s**t, and that I know nothing about cutting, I do know a bit. I myself am an ex-cutter, and I highly regret it. On a note; I wasn''t a major cutter either, I''ve only done it only a handful of times, with no major bleeding. Also, I wasn''t depressed when I had done this cutting. Just severely bored.

Lastly, if you''re going to cut, cut safely. Use a clean, sharp, edge. Blunt edges may cause unneccessary ripping, and an un-clean blade may cause a bad infection. I don''t suggest you use blades that may contain lead or other dangerous metals. If your a super-safe cutter, you''d boil your blades before using them, to make sure they''re stertile before doing the damage. But no one does that.

* I used censorship for all you little kiddos.

ok first dizzy i made this post to see what other think about cutting and to see if anyone here cares not for u to yell at me and say i need to be shot
remove me from your damn guild if ur going to be a %#$#ing a?? hole

I've had friends who have cut for kicks, and even people close to me who have nearly died from suicide. (This is no lie.) And I highly despise cutting in general because of this.

I don't think suicide soon be a trendy "hip" thing amoung youth, and I cannot emphasize (sp?) enough that it should be taken seriously.
However, I can also understand that in times of mental depression or anxiety cutting can be an effective form of emotional release.

I apologize for spazzing, but having been surrounded by all this "fashionable" cuttage in school and with friends, I tend to not tolerate it. You're completely right, and I'm completely wrong. I was probably a little bit grumpy when I made the post too, because my OpenCanvas trial timer is out and I can't find a serial hack for it. crying (Now I can't use my tablet....)

Anyway, hope you can forgive me for being such an %#$#ing a?? hole. I suppose different people have different opinions on stuff.

 

[Neko-Goth-Death]

[ D i z z y ]

Neko-Goth-Death

[ D i z z y ]

Firstly,

Cutting is %#@*ing STUPID.*

Some people acutually think its cool or fashionable to cut yourself and walk around flashing these cuts around.

Whoever started this big trend among youth (mostly fashionable or "cool" teenagers; I''m not going to lable a specific group because its not just found in "emo" or "emotion" grouping.) should be shot (they''d probably thank you for it after).

If you''re all depressed because you lost your stupid boyfriend/girlfriend, or if your stepfather treats you like s**t, use the following options other than cutting yourself:

+ Run away and get a new family.
+ Rebel and go Goth or something. This gets us new members here at Got Goth?.
+ Join a Cult. That way you get to rebel, make new friends, and get communitive support all at the same time. And its fun.
+ Go get therapy. (I highly suggest this as a first option)
+ Get a *&%$ing life.

I''ve had enough of those cry babies complain to me about "how they like this boyfriends but he''s too old and they like some other dude but his sister is my best friends and hes older or this girl left me and now Im all sad because" and then rant on about how you cut yourself. These people annoy the hell outta me.

Cutting is a form of suicide. You might as well be hanging yourself. If you want to cut, then make sure you finish the job, rather than complain and whine about it all day. Unless you are truely ready to die, don''t cut.

And on the "don''t cross the road, walk down the street" thing (you cutters out there know what I''m talking about) its utterly stupid. Technically you bleed more through an horizontal cut, rather than a vertical one. This is because you slice though more veins this way, causing a direct cut off on many veins rather than just one or two.

And to top it all off, before people go all "you don''t know what its like to be all depressed" and s**t, and that I know nothing about cutting, I do know a bit. I myself am an ex-cutter, and I highly regret it. On a note; I wasn''t a major cutter either, I''ve only done it only a handful of times, with no major bleeding. Also, I wasn''t depressed when I had done this cutting. Just severely bored.

Lastly, if you''re going to cut, cut safely. Use a clean, sharp, edge. Blunt edges may cause unneccessary ripping, and an un-clean blade may cause a bad infection. I don''t suggest you use blades that may contain lead or other dangerous metals. If your a super-safe cutter, you''d boil your blades before using them, to make sure they''re stertile before doing the damage. But no one does that.

* I used censorship for all you little kiddos.

ok first dizzy i made this post to see what other think about cutting and to see if anyone here cares not for u to yell at me and say i need to be shot
remove me from your damn guild if ur going to be a %#$#ing a?? hole

I've had friends who have cut for kicks, and even people close to me who have nearly died from suicide. (This is no lie.) And I highly despise cutting in general because of this.

I don't think suicide soon be a trendy "hip" thing amoung youth, and I cannot emphasize (sp?) enough that it should be taken seriously.
However, I can also understand that in times of mental depression or anxiety cutting can be an effective form of emotional release.

I apologize for spazzing, but having been surrounded by all this "fashionable" cuttage in school and with friends, I tend to not tolerate it. You're completely right, and I'm completely wrong. I was probably a little bit grumpy when I made the post too, because my OpenCanvas trial timer is out and I can't find a serial hack for it. crying (Now I can't use my tablet....)

Anyway, hope you can forgive me for being such an %#$#ing a?? hole. I suppose different people have different opinions on stuff.

haha now i see why everyone respects you so much... u earned my respect... and its no big deal... il get over it... and my best friend died cuz of killing himself... kyle was my best friend and he shot him self... but that was like 2 years ago... im fine and blah... o and if its ok with you i would like to stay in this guild and yeah srry for calling u those... mean things... but yeah o well.. and i would like to add u as a friend...
good bye Dizzy.  

[Tears and Rain]

blackrose1186

Diz

you can say all you want.. in the end i know your just an ignorant little freak who doesnt know the difference between real and fake.. living in your world of fantasy where you think people like you.. and there is no 3 arms.. they were taken on different days and second from the amount of blood my a**.. you dont die from lack of blood if you lose a couple cups of blood.. your heart reproduces blood.. if you botherd to think then you'd know that... next time you want to disagree do some research.. and if you want to continue this... pm me i wont subject the rest of the guild to your ignorance.. they at least know about a thing called time..

If I were you I really wouldn't insult her. Not only is she the owner of this guild she's a highly respected and in my eyes, from what I've read, a very intelligent person.

My views on this subject may seem a little mixed but it'll be long... Interesting but long...

There are a few reasons I can think of why people cut I'll catagorize them for ease.
The sheep- one of those people who think it's cool/want attention that they don't deserve someone following the crowd basically. (I hate this type)
The attention seeker- someone who yes does it for attention! But this is one that needs to be looked more closely at. Sure they want attention, but not in a bad way. They feel alone and deprived of love, affection that type of thing. If they're willing to go to that length to get attention surely they deserve it?
The stressed- Some people find it's relieving like a stress ball but more destructive. These people will hide their cuts.
The insecure- Some hate themselves and their lives so much that they cut, mutillating themselves as if they don't deserve to be happy or to have scar-free arms/legs/wherever.
I also hear people saying "I cut to know I'm alive." But I don't have any experience of that so I'm not sure.

Okay, to clear things up: Yes I have cut, I have scars on the underside of my arm/wrist and the top. I only cut the top once, because I didn't really wanna die at that moment and didn't want to chance it I guess and they were deep and they're now quite badly scarred. That was the last time I self harmed. It was a few months ago. I do regret it but after a while it does become sorta addictive and then things kicked off 'cause my mum saw.

I've had friends who were "The sheep" very much so. I'd ask why and he'd give me no response and then his friend got shot and was seriously ill. Okay fine but it's not something you cut over, and he exaggerated his friendship with her after that. And then there's the other one who was just making things up as far as I can see or exaggerating again. She "Fell out with her dad" for no reason, and she hadn't. Her family's still together, they all get on and she's perfect. Too perfect and she knows it. And then there's the one who says she's a manic depressant (doubt it highly) and then makes out like it's her life that's s**t rather than her condition. Oh and she says her mum beats her, yeah like. I wouldn't blame her if she did, she talks to her like s**t and she's a nightmare kid.

I'm paranoid, insecure and the rest of the s**t piled on top don't help. When I went to highschool my friends deserted me, my father was treating me like s**t and ignoring me, even when I was at his house, everyone who knew me or even didn't know me decided to hate me... Bully me, I don't like using that word though, I don't know why. And nobody understands when I say everyone, I mean... Near enough everyone. It's not like "Everyone's got them" it's everyone except him and her. I think that's partly me being paranoid again but other people have commented on it. Then there was a load of s**t with the two most popular girls (who were my friends) in school who decided I insulted them. I didn't. And for about six months I wanted to die and actually told one of them I wished she were dead. I partly did, I wished they were both never born not dead. Although I strongly dispise murder and all I do understand now how people could think of killing someone. I couldn't kill anybody. Then, the few friends I had started ignoring me and leaving me out. And while all this was going on I'd fallen out with my father, quite badly I haven't spoken to him since and it was about 18 months ago. I still refuse to call him dad. He just isn't. He's my father, I can't change that. then there was a relationship (I hate people who cut over relationships and this isn't really about the boy) with my best friend's very close friend who, after he'd asked me out, I found out she fancied and I felt like s**t because I've known her for ten years and shes my best friend. Her mum had just died too which made me more guilty but I couldn't hurt either of them (I'm strange like that) because he was so clingy (made me cringe) but it was constantly "Lydia, you're beautiful, I love you." etc. In the end he ended it and surprisingly I was upset. I didn't particularly like him because of the clinging but I was still kinda sad. The only thing that made me truly upset though was me making my best friend so frustrated. And now I'm fine, a few little things but I'm okay, I have some sort of affection disorder I think >.< but I'm okay I have friends who give me lots of hugs and love. It's never enough though. Oh and now there's my very dear friend who since I started high school I've been quite close to and liked in more than a friendship way. That was three years ago and I still like him. I think I love him >.< that sounds so stupid. He doesn't like me though. He likes Amy... Miss perfectly popular oh-so-confident. She likes him too... But at the moment I'm quite happy with life, I have my friends (who I simply adore) and music that I like and clothes! I'm wearing my new dungarees right now, from sohos in afflecks in manchester. If you're ever in Manchester you've gotta check out Afflecks Palace it's mad and the clothes are great. And my plectrum earring and ankh i also have a pentagram from there but I prefer the ankh. Anyway on subject.

Thanks if you read my uber long postyness.
heart

 

[MorbidEclipse]

Whoa too much s**t on here...

Ok my take on cutting...you do it to feel something, sometimes anything. When you get to that point, something is wrong. You have to figure out what it is and then try to work through it. It's not easy, but it can be done.  

[[ D i z z y ]]

\To Tears and Rain:\

That was an uber-long postyness. But it was correct in all accounts. I had no idea "fashionable" cuttage was referred to as "The Sheep".

I also thank you for sticking up for me. For the note, lurichan is practically the owner of this guild (she works herself to death on managing this place) and I wouldn't say this 14 year-old kid from northern Canada is very intelligent either. sweatdrop I just love to design guild pages and talk to people with similar interests.


\To Blackrose1185:\


Bite me.



I'm young and stubborn and I don't care what you say. Cuts like that require stitches. and do you know how easy it is to run to a theatres supply store and buy a gallon of fake blood that tastes like stawberry? I bet its just as easy to rip off pics from the net too.

And if you did really cut yourself like that, You don't need to show it to the world, you know. Just go get some help. See Dr. Phil or something. Just stop flashing pics like that around. Its unneccessary.

 

[[ D i z z y ]]

Ohmygawds speeling errors!

In message to blackrose dude:

* "and" starts with a capital.
** "theatres" is not plural.
*** "You" isn't capital.

I think I've been up too late. oO Spelling errors could be a sure sign of sleep lackage.  

[Tears and Rain]

[ D i z z y ]

To Tears and Rain:

That was an uber-long postyness. But it was correct in all accounts. I had no idea "fashionable" cuttage was referred to as "The Sheep".

I also thank you for sticking up for me. For the note, lurichan is practically the owner of this guild (she works herself to death on managing this place) and I wouldn't say this 14 year-old kid from northern Canada is very intelligent either. sweatdrop I just love to design guild pages and talk to people with similar interests.

It isn't... I just like to catagorize things for ease >.< I'm lazy like that. People, well, People in england refer to people who follow the crowd as sheep, I thought it fitted. And no problem, I agree with you anyway, cuts like that don't bleed like that and why on earth would you take a photo? Record the happy memories! Yay! stare Strange person. I'm 14 too, maybe wise then... Or something similar. Opinionated? Enh, you gotta ignore the bad grammar and stuff... Aswell as the craziness that's on a little stronger level... It's 5 am here and any moment mum'll come bursting through the door and threaten to smash my head against the wall again so i'm off to bed. Toodleoo!  

[Dr_lecter1988]

Tears and Rain

blackrose1186

Diz

you can say all you want.. in the end i know your just an ignorant little freak who doesnt know the difference between real and fake.. living in your world of fantasy where you think people like you.. and there is no 3 arms.. they were taken on different days and second from the amount of blood my a**.. you dont die from lack of blood if you lose a couple cups of blood.. your heart reproduces blood.. if you botherd to think then you'd know that... next time you want to disagree do some research.. and if you want to continue this... pm me i wont subject the rest of the guild to your ignorance.. they at least know about a thing called time..

If I were you I really wouldn't insult her. Not only is she the owner of this guild she's a highly respected and in my eyes, from what I've read, a very intelligent person.

My views on this subject may seem a little mixed but it'll be long... Interesting but long...

There are a few reasons I can think of why people cut I'll catagorize them for ease.
The sheep- one of those people who think it's cool/want attention that they don't deserve someone following the crowd basically. (I hate this type)
The attention seeker- someone who yes does it for attention! But this is one that needs to be looked more closely at. Sure they want attention, but not in a bad way. They feel alone and deprived of love, affection that type of thing. If they're willing to go to that length to get attention surely they deserve it?
The stressed- Some people find it's relieving like a stress ball but more destructive. These people will hide their cuts.
The insecure- Some hate themselves and their lives so much that they cut, mutillating themselves as if they don't deserve to be happy or to have scar-free arms/legs/wherever.
I also hear people saying "I cut to know I'm alive." But I don't have any experience of that so I'm not sure.

Okay, to clear things up: Yes I have cut, I have scars on the underside of my arm/wrist and the top. I only cut the top once, because I didn't really wanna die at that moment and didn't want to chance it I guess and they were deep and they're now quite badly scarred. That was the last time I self harmed. It was a few months ago. I do regret it but after a while it does become sorta addictive and then things kicked off 'cause my mum saw.

I've had friends who were "The sheep" very much so. I'd ask why and he'd give me no response and then his friend got shot and was seriously ill. Okay fine but it's not something you cut over, and he exaggerated his friendship with her after that. And then there's the other one who was just making things up as far as I can see or exaggerating again. She "Fell out with her dad" for no reason, and she hadn't. Her family's still together, they all get on and she's perfect. Too perfect and she knows it. And then there's the one who says she's a manic depressant (doubt it highly) and then makes out like it's her life that's s**t rather than her condition. Oh and she says her mum beats her, yeah like. I wouldn't blame her if she did, she talks to her like s**t and she's a nightmare kid.

I'm paranoid, insecure and the rest of the s**t piled on top don't help. When I went to highschool my friends deserted me, my father was treating me like s**t and ignoring me, even when I was at his house, everyone who knew me or even didn't know me decided to hate me... Bully me, I don't like using that word though, I don't know why. And nobody understands when I say everyone, I mean... Near enough everyone. It's not like "Everyone's got them" it's everyone except him and her. I think that's partly me being paranoid again but other people have commented on it. Then there was a load of s**t with the two most popular girls (who were my friends) in school who decided I insulted them. I didn't. And for about six months I wanted to die and actually told one of them I wished she were dead. I partly did, I wished they were both never born not dead. Although I strongly dispise murder and all I do understand now how people could think of killing someone. I couldn't kill anybody. Then, the few friends I had started ignoring me and leaving me out. And while all this was going on I'd fallen out with my father, quite badly I haven't spoken to him since and it was about 18 months ago. I still refuse to call him dad. He just isn't. He's my father, I can't change that. then there was a relationship (I hate people who cut over relationships and this isn't really about the boy) with my best friend's very close friend who, after he'd asked me out, I found out she fancied and I felt like s**t because I've known her for ten years and shes my best friend. Her mum had just died too which made me more guilty but I couldn't hurt either of them (I'm strange like that) because he was so clingy (made me cringe) but it was constantly "Lydia, you're beautiful, I love you." etc. In the end he ended it and surprisingly I was upset. I didn't particularly like him because of the clinging but I was still kinda sad. The only thing that made me truly upset though was me making my best friend so frustrated. And now I'm fine, a few little things but I'm okay, I have some sort of affection disorder I think >.< but I'm okay I have friends who give me lots of hugs and love. It's never enough though. Oh and now there's my very dear friend who since I started high school I've been quite close to and liked in more than a friendship way. That was three years ago and I still like him. I think I love him >.< that sounds so stupid. He doesn't like me though. He likes Amy... Miss perfectly popular oh-so-confident. She likes him too... But at the moment I'm quite happy with life, I have my friends (who I simply adore) and music that I like and clothes! I'm wearing my new dungarees right now, from sohos in afflecks in manchester. If you're ever in Manchester you've gotta check out Afflecks Palace it's mad and the clothes are great. And my plectrum earring and ankh i also have a pentagram from there but I prefer the ankh. Anyway on subject.

Thanks if you read my uber long postyness.
heart

wonderful post, I wish i could gain the courage to post like that. actually I think I will. I'm one of those people who cut because its the only thing that they can feel. It all started when I was in 5th grade. I had this crappy teacher who took all of her anger with her job and everything else out on me. I was bright enough to be taking a high school ALgebra class in the mornings and i'd go to her class after I got out of algebra. She resented me because i was too intellegent to sit though her drivel about language arts. ( she thought the plural of "Dwarf" was "Dwarfs", I went and corrected her respecfully but she more or less bit off my head and sent me out of the class room.) and that year I was sent to a shrink because I latched myself onto my mom's Car antenna one day before going to that lady's class because i couldn't deal with it any more. That day i sat in the counsellors office all day, then i went home. That day i sat on my roof for 3-4 hours, contemplating if my intellegence was worth the degradation that Mrs Dolida put me through. I jumped off of my roof. MY parents saw that and sent me to a shrink. They put me on Welbutrin after taking me off of ritalin for my ADD, I didn't like what it did to meso they took me off of the anti-depressant and put me on a wierd ADD medication, Dexidrin. That ******** with my mental state to the point that i refuse to this day to take any type of drug to regulate my mind.

3 years later I moved to virginia, It started to trigger my depression again, but i found a new way to avoid the pain of leavign all of my friends behind, I hid from my emotions, i stopped feeling them. I liked it. but when my Empathy started taking over to the point of me not having any of my own feelings any more, i started to shut down completely, I was losing my self in the emotions of others. I then started to shut them out. when you're brain stops feeling entirely it's a scary feeling. I recovered after that. my sophomore year i was fine. a normal reclusive nerd. Junipr year i got mono which triggered my apathetic lack of emotion depression. IT got to the point where I didn't know what was reality. I couldn't feel anything, I would look at my "friends" and be completely indifferent. I had to find a way to anchor myself, to keep myself from drifting away. i found that, in my safteypins and butterfly knife. I never showed off my cuts, i tried to hide my cuts and my scars. I have a few on my shoulders so my sleeves would cover them, but most of my scars are actually on my upper legs, where even my boxers cover them. I finally started to dig myself out of my depression last year, my senior year. I discovered that i have friends that really care about me here. I needed to stop harming myself I couldn't do it anymore. no matter how addicting it had become. and for me it did become an addiction, IT got to the point where i was no longer happy with little cuts for small amounts of pain. I wanted large gashes in my skin that i could not deny. that's when i knew i had to stop. I don't cut any more. but it doesn't mean the urge isn't there. I just feel bad that anyone has to go through what i went through. Cutting is not the answer to any problem. even if it's jsut to remind oneself how to distinguish themselves from the abyss.

Wow, that was harder than i thought it would be... If any of you read that entirely I hope you see why It was hard for me to talk about it. I would not wish the affliction, the disease of Self injury upon anyone. ever. well there's my story.  

[[ D i z z y ]]

That's really deep, doc. I think I might've shed a tear. Very emotional story. Ohmygawd... I did shed a tear. oO

My story, on the other hand, is short, simple, and kinda not sweet.

It all started out when I was a little girl... I suppose you could say I was a girly-girl right from the beginning. I had girly-girls friends, but as I got older I turned into a tomboy (under the influence of Alice Cooper and Kiss) and got new friends. I started to get into the anime craze, and befriended some anime-junkies and gamers geeks. (Though I still liked rock music.) And this year I went kinda Goth-ish, and stopped liking anime. My friends started to abandon me alot, so I just... slowly ignored them.

On a side note, I've always had trouble with my social life and around large crowds of people. I have some kinda severe paranoia that people are always judging me, which you would think would make me want to fit in, right? I also believe that as an artist I need to be different, to be reconized as an invididual, rather than as another student at that run-down school. Its almost a constant war for me, to be different or just like everyone else. There are no Goths at my school (except one, but she hates everything and everybody) or people who might be like me that I know of.

I used to cut because I was alone, with no one to talk to, but now I'm used to that. Its almost safe to say I have no flesh-and-blood friends. You know, the kind that you hang out with every second day or go the the mall with and such.  

[Bella Lledrith]

For me, the story is quite disturbing, and I suggest that if you are easily distraught not to read it.
My parents got divorced when I was four. My dad was an alcoholic, and my mom is bipolar. My dad broke my sister's jaw that day, and the county made them divorce. Shortly after that my mom got a new boyfriend who was 19. She was 45. He was a child molester, and long painful story short, he did s**t to me. I was 6. We got put in foster care for a year. The second family I lived with was a sheriff and his wife. She was a real b***h, and he was an a*****e. They locked me in the room I shared with another girl that stayed there, and they'd degrade me constantly, telling me my parents didn't love me and such. I got to see my oldest sister every few weeks, and she finally reported them and got their foster care liscence revoked. I got to stay with my last foster home at Grandma Irene's with my brother and oldest sister. Grandma was amazing. While I was living with her I made a friend out of a dwarf girl 2 years older than me in that school. No one else talked to me because I was a foster care kid. She died of a blood transfusion while I was there. They gave her the wrong blood. Grandma Irene died last year of cancer. I was the last child to get sent home. When I came back, every kid in school knew what happened to me, teased me about it, wouldn't go near me. I was overweight for my age, so I got called fat all the time. My only friend I had when I was in 5th grade started to do drugs with my second older sis Becky. While that was going on, I'd stay in the house and watch TV. Or whenever my mom decided to go crazy again, I'd go to a small creek near our apartment complex and sit and cry. Once, when Becky came home high, she started to freak out on mom, and gave her an anxiety attack. I cut myself dor the first time at a church believe it or not. I got raped at a friend's huse by this guy named Jake when I was 12. He was drunk and everyone else was sleeping and we were talking and all of a sudden he pushed me down and held his hand over my mouth and I was so scared and it brought back so many memories....I just...I didn't move or say anything. The next day was Sunday and my mom took me to church when I got home. I didn't tell her anything. The only one who knows is my oldest sister. But, I was drawing and I was really upset so I went into the bathroom and took the eraser out of the metal part and squeezed it together with my teeth and ripped open my wrist. After that I felt so much better. Light a giant weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I felt euphoric, alive, maybe even happy. I didn't do it again until 7th grade. You know the age group. Snotty, prepubescent assholes. Well, I had developed before most of the other girls, and they weren't too happy about that. One girl brought up what happened to me when I was little, and I punched her in the face and cut open my knuckle on her braces. The day after that I went into science class and on the chalkboard there was written "If Amy Neumeyer's boobs got any bigger they would hang down to her knees." Nice kids. But I laughed it off, and when class ended I went into the bathroom and cut my wrist with a razorblade I carried with me. I hid it with a long sleeved sweatshirt. In 8th grade my first real boyfriend broke up with me, but still played it out like we were dating. Asking me if I'd be his valentine and such. But then he got a new girlfriend. I got sent to a mental hospital after that for overdosing and cutting. I cut worse and worse since then. I met my fiancee online in 10th grade. I moved into my sisters house and got drunk and high every night. Once, on his birthday, I was upset because I couldn't see him, so I gashed my leg with a razorblade so deep it cut into the muscle. I got 13 stitches not including the stitches in my muscle. Jon came here in November, a few days before my birthday. He left in January. I cheated on him with a friend of his and mine who was an ex of my ex bestfriend. I regret that so much. When he left, I cut my legs worse than ever. The scars make me sick sometimes. But he came back this April and we got back together. He looks at my scars and wants them to go away. There is alot more to my story, but I can't write anymore.