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 Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 6:13 am
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"That's because I actually like hanging around with her." He rolled his eyes and waved a hand dismissively. That was all it was, clearly. He didn't have a lot of people he genuinely liked hanging around, Forera was just one of them. "Uh-" He stalled- thinking. Who... else was a friend. "You don't know them. I'm pretty sure you don't, anyway. Aside from Polair and Perore." Granted he hadn't seen Eckios or Mahmud in a while, so could they really be called friends still? He should.. make an effort to reach out sometime. Four names, excluding Cerpin himself... Was that too little or just the amount? Two of which he hadn't seen in a while... Probably too little, he needed to get out more.
He shifted his position a little more to lean off to one side, then shot Cerpin a venomless glare at the suggestion that he liked Polair. "Gross, Cerpin. That's legitimately gross." While it didn't get him any sputterings, it did earn a genuine look of near disgust at the idea. "If you're gonna make that observation it means you've been lookin at her that way- maybe you're the one with a crush." Dei quirked a brow, expression changing to a partial grin as if he thought he'd gotten somewhere with that. "Do you have any friends 'cept Perore and Tevini?" It might not be the best idea to ask the question considering the last time he'd made a jab at Cerpin having no friends, but he chalked that up to Cerpin having already been emotionally compromised at the time.
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 9:23 am
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Things were looking up for Cerpin and this time he smiled and shook his head at the question. Deimos was probably right to tread carefully around the topic but at least the ever dramatic and violent purpleblood was in a good mood tonight. Jabs at his character would not bother him tonight.
"Polair is too naive for me." He waved away the idea with a flourish. It wasn't that he didn't like the seadweller, just that he didn't feel right taking advantage of a girl so lost inside her own world. She was fun to hang out with but he didn't understand half of the words she said in her monologues.
"I've got loads of friends, you want to meet em?" He started to count them out on his fingers. "There's Caiden, Mahmud, Seraph- did you watch Superstar Authority? Anyways, also NOVA and Akkira-" He briefly wondered what the hell Chiara counted as.
"Chiara's a friend and a business contact. Oh and can't forget Fellah." At this point, Cerpin squinted and tried to think of actual friends he had left instead of just acquaintances. He had to leave a handful of rebels off the list to protect their identities. He didn't want to make another Perore situation after all. Outing people was dangerous even if Deimos already knew Cerpin's loyalties were to the Phoenix Initiative.
"As for crushes, well, that's a whole other thing. Quads are... hard." A completely too complicated thing for a man wrapped up in conflicting friendships and struggling with his temper. Even with as much confidence as Cerpin had, he still hadn't mustered up the nerve to tell her yet.
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 12:10 pm
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"I knew em before the contest, you turd." Cerpin gave Deimos a skeptical look. "And only two of them were on the show. I'm pretty pleased that Seraph placed though, did you see the finale?" It was great to see the young yellowblood spread her wings in an abstract way, flying out of that miserable swamp. He needed to talk with her again.
"You've... never felt it before, have you?" The tealblood's casual dismissal of the weight of quads was pretty noticeable. "You don't know what a crush feels like, do you?" Cerpin crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. This was not the first troll he'd encountered who felt there were more important things in life than quads.
"Sure, getting out to space might be more important but you can't neglect the emotional parts of life. Relationships drive us, quads, friends, enemies." Cerpin would not deny that personal glory and success played a factor in pushing trolls forward. But in his experience, his friends and his crushes spurred him to do more and achieve as much as he could.
"As much as they mess me up, crushes and stuff are ******** great. Is it that it hasn't happened yet or that you don't feel attraction?" He thought of Tevini, of Forera, Fellah and Chiara, Zindel and that yellowblood that night at the club. All bittersweet experiences that he wouldn't change even if he could.
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 12:54 pm
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"I saw bits and pieces... it was okay. I'm not really into that stuff." Probably. He hadn't really given it a chance, honestly. He'd mostly tuned in to see what Polair was doing, since it seemed strange to him for Polair to enter the contest but he'd simply figured that maybe he didn't know her that well. "Uhh..." He glanced away, thinking, then shook his head. "Nope, never felt that for anyone." He looked back to Cerpin, head tilting in slight confusion at just how much importance he was putting on relationships.
"I mean, people are... nice to look at, sometimes, but I don't uhh..." He paused, getting that awful feeling of being exposed again - but... this was part of friendship, right? Talking about things that were uncomfortable? He chewed at his lip for a moment before continuing, "I don't really get people, so... It's just looking. I guess I don't get it 'cause I got by okay without a ton of emphasis on it. Friendship 'n stuff, I mean." Except... he'd paid for it. His eyes dropped to the foot propped up on his left knee. "This far, anyway. Stuff changes. I agreed to come do this even though I never sing or dance 'cause I'm changing that. But I still don't really get why people make it such a big deal all the time when there's other stuff to do." He waved his hands a little as he spoke, trying not to let his discomfort show too much in his face. Real, actual feelings were hard to talk about. Maybe if he were more sociable he'd feel different about it.
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 10:15 pm
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"You don't get... it?" Cerpin mused over this, a rare moment of quiet falling over the purpleblood. The tealblood averted his eyes and mumbled his discomfort and it seemed he sincerely didn't understand the appeal of companionship. It was... sadly understandable. Everyone started off alone on Alternia with no one but themselves to get through the trials. Some trolls never made it. And some trolls never left the safety of a cave boarded up to keep the rest of the world out, once they escaped.
But Deimos had come tonight. That meant he wanted to understand... right?
"Then, I'll explain it. Hold on." The lights were still dim from earlier but they were bright enough for him to locate the remote. Cerpin carefully selected a song and picked up the mic. Piano accompaniment trickled in and he looked to Deimos with a serious glint in his eyes for once.
"Somebody to hold me too close
Someone to hurt me too deep
Someone to sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware of being alive, being alive."
His voice was soft and raw, exposing vulnerable feelings that he didn't like to dwell on often. Feelings that were unfortunately more important to him than he let on to the rest of the world. He thought of those late night fights with Tevini that ran into the morning, squabbling about the risks he was taking and the emotions she was shutting out. He thought of those magical nights high above the trees with Forera as they traded tragedies and rested against each other's shoulders, a smile from the other erasing the problems of the world for a brief moment. Polair's hair shining in the moonlight, Akkira's eyes brimming with something she refused to let fall.
"Someone to need me too much
Someone to know me too well
Someone to pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support for being alive,
Make me alive, make me alive-"
The thrill of a challenger stealing his stage and for a moment, his attention. Chiara pressing him down into the floor with a sparkle in her eye that fluctuated between sinister and mischievous. The memories overwhelmed him and Cerpin sang louder to express them. Each encounter had shaped him in some way, for better or worse. He still saw the helplessness in Zindel's eyes as he pleaded for death. He still saw the hopelessness in Mahmud's after stumbling through Underworld's doors covered in the remains of a doomed relationship. Cerpin had opened his doors to the wretched few that had nowhere else to go in need of a helping hand to piece parts of themselves back together.
"Make me confused, mock me with praise
Let me be used, vary my days
But alone is alone, not alive!"
By this point, he was practically shouting with how loud he was being. Some of the emotions stung to remember, like Byakko's voice cracking back at the swamp as she forced herself to spit out confirmation of Zeffer's death. Others were pure joy, like those nights riding the high of fame and glamour with Sascha at his side. Tevini's haunting eyes as the train doors closed. Deimos's as he smashed parts of the kitchen. The feeling of a warm body next to his as music pulsed around them and colors and symbols faded into nothing and all that was left was pure personality. Caiden crumpled over the scrap metal of his babybot.
"Somebody crowd me with love
Somebody force me to care
Somebody make me come through
I'll always be there
As frightened as you to help us survive,
Being alive, being alive
Being alive!"
His heart swelled and he projected everything he could into his song. Cerpin's grip on the microphone tightened as the climax built in the music. He was growing more in these past few months than he had over the course of multiple sweeps. How incredible was that? To think that a girl like Tevini could drive him to grudgingly change his ways to protect tomorrow instead of only caring about tonight. To think that people were depending on him now for something greater than his bloodright- they actually needed him for his work driving the rebellion into space. To think that despite all of the pressing engagements weighing on him, the recent news of Sascha's promotion had Cerpin spiraling into a fit of frustration over what this meant for their friendship and the fact that he couldn't talk to him about it. He slammed his fist down on the table in closing.
He was burning with emotion. It was electrifying.
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Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2017 7:53 am
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For a perilous moment he thought that perhaps Cerpin was going to poke fun at him for it - not getting something that everyone else seemed to get so easily. The feeling of regret was instantaneous, and he began the internal process of bottling himself back up again but-- he didn't... Cerpin did not poke fun at him and instead offered to explain. Cautiously he relaxed tension he'd built up in his shoulders and exhaled slowly. He'd assumed the worst without really giving Cerpin a chance - that was.. not fair, to him. He nodded in response to the offer, eager to focus on something other than his own internal monologue.
He listened, having to fight his own mind as it naturally wanted to quip that anyone that disturbed sleep was not worth his time. This was important, Cerpin was clearly opening himself up in a very uncomfortable way and... he owed it to him to pay attention, without any snark to place a comfortable barrier between himself and the rawness of the feelings Cerpin was trying to convey through song. As the volume grew, it was clear to Deimos that the purpleblood was projecting into the lyrics... and he felt himself a little envious of it, to have so many feelings about other people that it was possible to project them into a song he hadn't even written - what was that like? He had his select few he cared for, but he'd not taken the time to really examine how much. It was scary, to allow another person to have that much influence over his emotional well-being.
As Cerpin finished and slammed his fist on the table, Deimos snapped out of his train of thought, blinking away the slight dazed expression on his face to focus once more on the other boy. What... what did someone say after that? Did he get it yet? The look on Cerpin's face did not seem to indicate fear at having this much attachment to others - no he seemed more alive for it (in the back of his head the matching song and his own impression did not escape him) and better for it... but how would that translate to his own life?
"I think..." He started, quiet, unsure still of where the rest of the sentence was going to go - "I get it now. Maybe... at least, for you." He scrunched his face a little, wringing a hand as his mind stumbled over the words he wanted to use. Examining things was just so much easier than feeling them - but this wasn't something that could necessarily be examined, was it? "At least, I can see how... it benefits you, but... All of those things seem very... Big, to me, to allow someone else to have influence over in any meaningful amount." Dei exhaled through his nose in slight frustration. This wasn't what he was wanting to say.
"I guess, I- hm." How much sharing was too much sharing? "It's frightening." There, he'd admitted it. Said it out loud and given it 'physical' life in the world outside of his own head.
Yamashii monologues internally for 50 years im s o r r y..........
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Posted: Thu Nov 16, 2017 3:19 pm
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Posted: Thu Nov 16, 2017 4:16 pm
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The uncomfortable feeling seemed like it was getting caught in his throat, like some sort of ball threatening to make him choke... at least until Cerpin reached out to pat his head. Reassurance helped- acknowledgement that he wasn't the only one that felt that way. Was he afraid of Forera? Maybe- or more like, he was afraid of what could happen to Forera more than he was afraid of opening up to her. "Kinda. I'm more attached to her than I am anyone else and that's... dangerous." He paused again, thinking of the word he wanted to use. There was no denying that Forera was essentially his idol, it was pretty obvious. "But letting her matter also makes it harder to open up." Deimos folded his arms across his chest, heaving a sigh. The more she mattered, the more concerned he was about giving her any reasons to think less of him. Logically he knew that it was dumb, but man. It was a killer.
"Yes." He didn't even hesitate in his reply- though his expression said maybe he wished that he had. "Maybe not on purpose. I haven't decided yet." He narrowed his eyes a little, looking Cerpin over again. "You make yourself into a pretty ticket to everything I've ever wanted, but you're also dangerous to get attached to, y'know?" He shifted positions to rest his cheek in one hand. He hoped this wouldn't come back to bite him in the a** later. "You're not like Perore to me but I do... like you, as as a person, even if you are annoying and pushy." That was probably a bad comparison... Forera held a special place that other people probably wouldn't.
Yamashii no worries, take your time ! <33
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Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2017 8:06 pm
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Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2017 8:19 pm
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He scrunched his face a little as if he were trying to decide how he felt about that statement. He knew that, logically, she wouldn't judge him for anything but he still couldn't let go of the need to always give his best- never anything less. His standards for himself were too high, though he had yet to recognize it was because he cared so much for someone else that he pushed himself all the more to meet them. "I know that, but that doesn't change anythin' 'bout it bein' dangerous." He narrowed his eyes, though it lacked any bite his usual scowls might've had.
"Both. I said I don't really get people, s'hard to tell when you're bein' serious an' when you're just messin'. Also should you really be sayin' that sorta thing so freely?" He quirked a brow, allowing himself to be pulled in. What a weird feeling- he'd.. well, honestly, he'd never hugged anyone but Forera before and this was.. Much different. Dei stared at where their shoulders connected for an awkward moment before attempting to shift and mimic what Cerpin was doing. This was the correct thing to do... right? "I mean, it took her a long time to tell me about it, anyway. An' she don' really talk much about it now even though I know. Seems kinda like it'd be wiser t'keep that kinda talk to more private areas." Then again he hadn't asked her much about it. He didn't really want to know- no that was a lie, he did want to know, he was just scared to know.
"Right. I'll keep that in mind... An' you don't know that, I could be havin' an off night 'n rip into you 'cause I felt like it." He shrugged. He did... strange things when he was tired. Maybe strange was the wrong word for it. But he certainly wasn't himself and Cerpin had yet to see him in so bad a state that his personality warped a little.
Yamashii omg i feel you..... so many dice rolls @ u @
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Posted: Mon Nov 20, 2017 11:35 pm
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"Ha! I don't think I'm honestly too hard to read." Cerpin shook his head with an amused sly smile. He played around a lot, that was true. But he rarely lied to people unless they were a threat. Simply not telling the truth was easier for the purpleblood. Knowing what to expose and what to hide came naturally to him. He also tended to luck out. People rarely asked him anything too vulnerable. Most people thought he was too stupid or fake to have any depth to him and he hid behind that a lot.
"True, okay, you got me there. But if you ever wanna know something about... stuff, just ask." Cerpin shrugged, obviously feeling much more forthcoming with information now that Deimos knew more about the situation. If he was going to work together with the smaller tealblood, sharing information seemed like a good way to build trust.
"Huh, so, what does an off night look like for you?" He leaned back in the cushions of the seat casually, curious to hear more about this. He had no idea what the hell Deimos was talking about. The other boy honestly seemed too tired most of the time to care enough to attack anyone.
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Posted: Tue Nov 21, 2017 6:29 am
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"The amount of flashiness you put on can be hard to read." He shrugged, falling silent as a couple workers brought in the food they'd ordered. Once they were gone he leaned forward to grab a thing of fries with his free hand then nestled it into his lap to eat from. Huh, they weren't even that bad. "I dunno if I wanna know. S'risky enough just bein' signed up to help with the space thing... but maybe I'll change my mind later." His curiosity would probably be the death of him one day. But hopefully he'd have it satisfied before meeting an untimely end if it came to that.
Figured he'd ask about off nights. He fell silent again, chewing on a couple of fries as he thought it over. Did he want to tell him about it or...? He'd probably find out sooner or later, and he'd already told Forera... He swallowed, then wiggled himself down a little bit more to be able to rest his head against the back of the couch, eyes focused overhead. "Can't think straight, everythin's a haze. I hear stuff, see stuff, its all... real." He raised the prosthetic foot a bit, "got this on a real bad night. I was gonna see a meteor shower! S'what I told myself. Got lost in the woods seein' things comin' after me 'n I swore I heard 'em callin' me. The stars, I mean." He took on a bit of a bitter tone, frowning as he continued, "didn't even see the trap 'til I stepped in it. Thypion'd been up with me the whole time 'n was passed out from exhaustion, s'the only reason I got that far away. But there's times when I've lashed out 'n broken s**t 'cause I just... Snap, and I don't remember it 'til later 'cause I just wasn't sleepin' enough." He'd broken his telescope in a fit once- took him ages to get a new one but it worked out in the end. The new one was better quality.
"I ain't... been around people when I get that bad- s'not safe for me, so I dunno how I am around trolls but I'd figure it's not much better. I dunno if they'd have a better time reasonin' with me than Thypion does." His poor lusus put up with so much s**t. Now that he was getting a little bigger and actually knew how to fight, Thypion had taken up sitting right outside the front door to his hive to prevent him from leaving if he got bad again. "So that's what I mean when I say I might just tear into you 'cause I feel like it. Everythin's too much when I'm like that and you're too much on a regular basis." He snorted, tone changing to hold a bit of amusement.
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Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 10:47 pm
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"Talk about burying the lede." Cerpin mused, looking at Deimos curiously from over his plate. "Does anything help, like even a little bit?" There were options to try to help with insomnia and he was sure the tealblood had looked into some of them. There was no way you just lived with that sort of thing without desperately looking for a solution. He had no idea how to help but he wished he could.
"That sounds more dangerous for you than for me, to be honest. Losing a foot is no joke." He frowned, contemplating what these facts meant for Deimos. If he were really this bad off, it could be a problem when they shipped out to space. They would need a way to get him contained when going berserk or his insomnia managed to a level they could handle.
"If it's beetles, I'm wiling to pay for you to see a specialist. I want you at your best for our crew, Dei. Or if it's too hard to stick to a routine, I can be tough on you to get you to at least lie down and close your eyes, even if sleep doesn't come." The body naturally tried to repair and heal itself when relaxed, even if you couldn't sleep. He'd help try anything if it would get Deimos's problem under control. He munched on a couple of fries, wishing he had remembered to order a drink.
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