[prp] this damp grows in my lungs like a plague [alexis/???]

[Ashdown Whaler]

It's a cold and heavy weight around them. The world would be spinning if they could see.

Their memories are being stripped from them, little by little.

A small voice, almost as if it was from the back of their mind, speaks.

Do you really want this?

Daekie

please roll another 1D6

1 - a memory wherein alexis has helped someone close to them
2 - a memory wherein alexis is happy
3 - a memory of their family; those that have adopted them as such
4 - a memory wherein alexis was comforted by another
5 - a memory wherein alexis committed a crime
6 - a memory wherein alexis feels apathy towards people

 

[Daekie]

Quote:

2 - a memory wherein alexis is happy

I need to hurt, Alexis thinks; it is the simplest thing to them, an inevitable law of nature. If I don't, I hurt other people.

I need to keep them safe. It's the only thing that matters.

(the sun is shining down and the sky is bright and they're sitting, resting on the rooftops with a girl, a girl who they care about so much they could die maybe, she is pale-haired and sky-eyed and smiles like the sun shines through her. like this, everything is okay; they get where they're going when they want to and when they lean over to lean on her, their head on her shoulder, all is right in the world)

Ashdown WhaIer

 

[Ashdown Whaler]

But you are hurting them by this, aren't you? Another small voice, though it was growing louder even as Alexis was taken piece by piece within the waters.

Your thinking is flawed.

Daekie

please roll another 1D6

1 - a memory wherein alexis has helped someone close to them
2 - a memory wherein alexis is angry
3 - a memory of their family; those that have adopted them as such
4 - a memory wherein alexis was comforted by another
5 - a memory wherein alexis committed a crime
6 - a memory wherein alexis feels apathy towards people

 

[Daekie]

Quote:

1 - a memory wherein alexis has helped someone close to them

They don't have to worry about me anymore if I can't hurt them anymore. It'll only - the word won't come. It takes them a few seconds. It'll only be a little.

(they reach out their hand - it's nasir this time; their light fingers are useful in the kitchen, and they never nick themself with a knife or a hot plate. sometimes the fires make them shy away, in a way they can't explain - but they're helpful. double the hands. from one plate to another - dicing ingredients. doing as they're told.

they know how to cook, but not the way nasir does, and the fact he lets them help means ever so much.)

Ashdown Whaler

 

[Ashdown Whaler]

It won't be a little. It is foolish to think of your impact on the lives of others as little.

The feeling changes now, almost painful as this memory is taken. Their lungs burn but they no longer can even tell if they are in the water.

If they are drowning or not.

This is a pain that will haunt them for the rest of their lives. You have failed them; they have failed you.

Daekie

please roll another 1D6

1 - a memory wherein alexis has been entirely helpless
2 - a memory wherein alexis is angry
3 - a memory of their family; those that have adopted them as such
4 - a memory wherein alexis was comforted by another
5 - a memory wherein alexis committed a crime
6 - a memory wherein alexis feels apathy towards people

 

[Daekie]

Quote:

5 - a memory wherein alexis committed a crime

They're better off - It hurts. Alexis gasps for a breath that won't come out of reflex, their eyes shut tight. I just ruin things - I'm saving them. They don't need me. I don't need me. Just let me stop.

(there's nobody watching them, and they know conceptually it's wrong, but - they want the shirt, and they need the shoes; their shoes aren't threadbare by a long shot, but they could use better ones. ones to run in. nobody looks twice at them - they blend, because it's goodwill, and half the reason they're doing this is because they want to know they can.

nobody is looking. alexis slips the clothing into their backpack, straightens up again, and moves on to peruse another isle.)

Ashdown Whaler

 

[Ashdown Whaler]

One by one, piece by piece, every little bit of you will be taken. Dispersed among the void and never seen again.

You will forget but they will not.

Another memory gone, another piece of Alexis that has been lost to waters they are sinking in. They should have drowned ages ago but instead they keep sinking deeper and deeper.

Except then they are given a memory. A flash of faces, of feelings, of people grieving. It is Zac cradling Alexis's body, it is Nasir's eyes wet with tears, it is Preacher staring at them as if they could've done better-

Daekie

please roll another 1D6

1 - a memory wherein alexis has been entirely helpless
2 - a memory wherein alexis is angry
3 - a memory of their family; those that have adopted them as such
4 - a memory wherein alexis was comforted by another
5 - a memory wherein alexis helped someone in need
6 - a memory wherein alexis feels apathy towards people

 

[Daekie]

Quote:

6 - a memory wherein alexis feels apathy towards people

You're lying, you're lying - Alexis gasps again for a breath that won't come, their lungs burning, and starts to pull their legs up to their chest - their eyes, squeezed shut, starting to burn with unshed tears from the memory they've been given - I'm not worth that-

(in all honesty, he's not worth it. none of this stupid ******** argument is worth it. it's just all so boring - they don't want to be here - and if scholz didn't have a nice dog, didn't act like they were inconveniencing him, it wouldn't be a problem. they can't even bring themself to be angry in truth - it's a practiced response, so natural it barely means anything. he is how he is: a personality naturally given to standoffishness, to pushaways and sharp brutality - and they can't be angry at that. it's too much work to bounce it back.

they're just...disappointed, maybe. if it even counts as that.)

Ashdown Whaler

 

[Ashdown Whaler]

A place was made for you. Within the Court, within their lives.

Another flicker of a vision seeps in as the memories are taken. They cannot see but there are fingers in their hair, warmth at their side. Lips press to their hair and it is comfort and affection.

It is then chased by the bitter ache of loss.

You choose failure again and again.

Daekie

please roll another 1D6

1 - a memory wherein alexis has been entirely helpless
2 - a memory wherein alexis is angry
3 - a memory of their family; those that have adopted them as such
4 - a memory wherein alexis was comforted by another
5 - a memory wherein alexis helped someone in need
6 - a memory wherein alexis feels empathy towards people

 

[Daekie]

Quote:

1 - a memory wherein alexis has been entirely helpless

That place isn't meant for someone like me. A full-body shudder. I know what I'm worth. Nothing.

(they can't do anything, because they deserve this, they deserve this - autumn - autumn - it won't let her go, take them, take them - people like her, people want her around; they will be the sacrifice, please, please - their eye hurts -)

Ashdown Whaler

 

[Ashdown Whaler]

You have learned nothing.

It feels as if there are hands around their throat, squeezing lightly. No vision comes this time to replace what is taken.

Are you really so content to be a failure? To do no better than hinder and hurt others?

Daekie

please roll another 1D6

1 - a memory wherein alexis has never been more powerful
2 - a memory wherein alexis is angry
3 - a memory of their family; those that have adopted them as such
4 - a memory wherein alexis was comforted by another
5 - a memory wherein alexis helped someone in need
6 - a memory wherein alexis feels empathy towards people

 

[Daekie]

Quote:

4 - a memory wherein alexis was comforted by another

i could just stop

(nasir - the rooftop and the stars - their hair wet from the bath, his arms around them, his head on theirs, the blanket warm - they could just stay - they could just stay -)

Ashdown Whaler

 

[Ashdown Whaler]

The water pushes in all around them, stripping them of memories. It is oblivion and it wants them but there is the voice.

The voice is what stops it.

YOU HAVE LEARNED NOTHING.

When a memory is taken again, it hurts. It hurts worse than the air being gone from their lungs.

Daekie

please roll another 1D6

1 - a memory wherein alexis has never been more powerful
2 - a memory wherein alexis is angry
3 - a memory of their family; those that have adopted them as such
4 - a memory wherein alexis was abandoned
5 - a memory wherein alexis helped someone in need
6 - a memory wherein alexis feels empathy towards people

 

[Daekie]

Quote:

4 - a memory wherein alexis was abandoned

is that so bad

it's better like this

(there is nobody on the bus they know and they are alone, alone, alone; the last few days are blank, ever blank, where are they and where are they going - they have no phone, they have their ID and a few hundred dollars and a bag of clothing and there is nobody to help them fix this decision because everyone is back in the last town two hundred miles away)

Ashdown WhaIer

 

[Ashdown Whaler]

I AM DONE WITH YOUR s**t.

It's a familiar voice, no longer so strange and soft. There is a hand at the back of their neck and it is pulling them out of the water. Or, at least, it felt like a hand and they are dumped on the bank.

The feeling remains, of hands pressing at the side of their neck, even as some force seems to make the water expel from their body. There would be no drowning.

Daekie