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 Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 1:04 pm
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its a curse Gumby Ningata its a curse Gumby Ningata its a curse yes, please do continue to bully a ******** suicidal person BECAUSE THAT ALWAYS ENDS WELL. I post how I feel. My cousin committed suicide and it was the most selfish thing he could have ever done. My aunt and grandmother are still not the same because of it. And I am sorry if it came off as bulling. I was just saying don't take something precious from your daughter if you feel you are not worth the effort. Sorry to hear about your cousin, I don't think he was a coward. I think he was super depressed and couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, sorry about the chain reaction as well. I'm FEELING suicidal as ******** and talking about it in my favorite guild on Gaia vs cutting myself or taking a bottle of pills to cope with the s**t that's happening in my life... talking, vending, trying to make myself feel better and maybe get other peoples advice about stuff, not taking any action as of right now. btw my daughter is the only reason i haven't killed myself. and the reason i went from being a stupid 17 year old to being an actual caring (young) parent. She's helped me mature a lot, but sometimes when I feel my world breaking its foundation even more.. I need to talk. The mental health guild is quite dead, and I don't know very many people there. crying again grr I am sorry I came off as mean or anything. This is something I take seriously. I wish I could help instead of making you feel like crap. Have you thought of calling a help line? aw it's alright no hard feelings. heart I'm honestly probably being over emotional right now because I didn't get any sleep last night. My daughters coming over to visit today, I'm praying that I have enough energy to play whatever random game she thinks up. And not cry because she's super duper sensitive to my emotions. I'm going to have to fake not being sad so hard because my almost 4 year old picks up on it better than any ******** adult (including doctors with degrees) I might call them after she leaves, Airhead (Aaron) hasn't even confirmed the time with me yet. grrrrr I'm sorry you guys, this thread is more than off topic for this guild even though I think I'm in the right section. I'm probably leaving you all like "uh wtf". this is not intentional. |
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 3:27 pm
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 6:29 pm
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Pwnder emotion_hug emotion_hug emotion_hug emotion_hug emotion_hug Your daughter is super adorbs! emotion_kirakira My boys are 12 and 16 and they are nasty little trolls emotion_donotwant But I love them emotion_dowant Whatever your situation is right now, it's not the time to loose it or give up heart <******** the past man! Focus on the kids. Ain't nothing you can't escape from with time and it's never the end of the world as you might think. I've faced many times what I thought was the end and it always never turned out as bad as I expected. I'll be 38 next month, I've been through rough s**t in my life too, so just take my word for it. Just remember that she is alive and healthy and you are not truly without her. Yo have to give her a chance to know her mommy heart Besides, I'd totally miss you too if you weren't around anymore. sad
thank you, she's actually a lot bigger now haha. (obviously its been a few years since that picture with Kevin was taken)
Spoiler because i have no clue how big that picture is going to be, my phone thinks it's cute to take up half the computer screen.
Don't let her looks fool you though, damn she can be a troll too.
Kids are never easy. Not as babies, not as toddlers, and not as teenagers. (I don't have any other kids, but all my teenage cousins are s**t heads and I know I was a s**t head.)
But yeah, I know.
I'm so anti don't hurt/kill yourself or anyone else to everyone who's sad, but when it comes to me.. i feel different, idk.
The stupidest part of my train of thought I guess is that Kevin died so young, he was only 23. I feel so bad for his parents having to bury their child at such a young age due to overdosing, (who knows if it was intentional or not) it doesn't matter. It's horrible.
I'm 22 and I feel like I shouldn't be here.
this logically makes no sense.
my ex was a junkie, all his friends were junkies.
our ex friend who raped me, was a junkie.
Somehow I feel these people deserve to be on the earth, but I don't?
What did I do wrong? I feel like I must have been Hilter in a past life or something to feel the way I do.
to have all this bad/depressing/super unlikely stuff happen to me, to the point where it's so unbelievable that I sound like a compulsive liar.
why am i blaming myself for an exes death when
A) it was obviously going to happen eventually if he didn't stop doing illegal s**t.
B ) he hasn't even talked to me since 2012.
There is nothing I could have done.
NOTHING.
But here I am losing sleep and sanity over it.
and now im going to beat myself up for being an annoying hypocrite.
People might miss me (if i were to die) but i dont really have a lot of irl friends anyway and people get over death pretty quick anyway. (except for me!)
It's actually really sad to see none of Kevins friends *TRU GANGSTA HOMIEZ 4 LYFE BITCHEZZZZZ" really give a s**t about his passing.
I'm mourning on an anime forum about him, those friends basically said "miss ya bro" like its no big deal, like it happens all the time.
Yeah, people do die all the time but an overall healthy 23 year old?
Not usually.
I wish I could have been closer to Kevin in some sense to maybe be a good/better example but heroin was more important.
At the same time though, he hung out with BAD people and I'm glad he stopped talking to me after he found out I knew he was having sex with dudes on craigslist.
If you guys knew how many times Kevin and his "friends" were arrested for almost every reason you can think of, it;s too high to count.
you know its bad when google cant even remember how many mugshots you have in total.
I didn't need my daughter around that.
I feel like s**t for letting these druggies into my house to begin with, letting them get anywhere near my daughter and these thoughts lead to "wow maybe im a shitty parent" which leads to "why am i even here?"
its a never ending cycle.
I've been up for like 30 hours i think.
I need sleep but every time i try i get like the most disturbing thoughts in my head similar to when i was having seizures only more gory/scary
as in im in kevins head and im shooting myself up and seeing my life flash before my eyes, its not even my life.
its his.
i'm starting to sound crazy.
just so you all know im not bipolar or schizophrenic, have multiple personalities, not a sociopath
i have adhd, social anxiety w/panic disorder and assuming depression.
not taking any anti depressants bc that's what got my daughter taken away to begin with.
evil medication that caused me to lose 40(?) pounds in 6 months, cause seizures and shake like i was on drugs, i can't remember being on it really. oh and it causes false positives for meth.
FDA cites false positives with Bupropion
they refused to send the drug test to any other lab besides their own.
theres more i just need to be done with this post now
i'm literally ranting.
(if anything confuses anyone let me know, if youre interested.) |
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 7:54 pm
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its a curse Pwnder emotion_hug emotion_hug emotion_hug emotion_hug emotion_hug Your daughter is super adorbs! emotion_kirakira My boys are 12 and 16 and they are nasty little trolls emotion_donotwant But I love them emotion_dowant Whatever your situation is right now, it's not the time to loose it or give up heart <******** the past man! Focus on the kids. Ain't nothing you can't escape from with time and it's never the end of the world as you might think. I've faced many times what I thought was the end and it always never turned out as bad as I expected. I'll be 38 next month, I've been through rough s**t in my life too, so just take my word for it. Just remember that she is alive and healthy and you are not truly without her. Yo have to give her a chance to know her mommy heart Besides, I'd totally miss you too if you weren't around anymore. sad thank you, she's actually a lot bigger now haha. (obviously its been a few years since that picture with Kevin was taken) Spoiler because i have no clue how big that picture is going to be, my phone thinks it's cute to take up half the computer screen. Don't let her looks fool you though, damn she can be a troll too. Kids are never easy. Not as babies, not as toddlers, and not as teenagers. (I don't have any other kids, but all my teenage cousins are s**t heads and I know I was a s**t head.) But yeah, I know. I'm so anti don't hurt/kill yourself or anyone else to everyone who's sad, but when it comes to me.. i feel different, idk. The stupidest part of my train of thought I guess is that Kevin died so young, he was only 23. I feel so bad for his parents having to bury their child at such a young age due to overdosing, (who knows if it was intentional or not) it doesn't matter. It's horrible. I'm 22 and I feel like I shouldn't be here. this logically makes no sense. my ex was a junkie, all his friends were junkies. our ex friend who raped me, was a junkie. Somehow I feel these people deserve to be on the earth, but I don't? What did I do wrong? I feel like I must have been Hilter in a past life or something to feel the way I do. to have all this bad/depressing/super unlikely stuff happen to me, to the point where it's so unbelievable that I sound like a compulsive liar. why am i blaming myself for an exes death when A) it was obviously going to happen eventually if he didn't stop doing illegal s**t. B ) he hasn't even talked to me since 2012. There is nothing I could have done. NOTHING. But here I am losing sleep and sanity over it. and now im going to beat myself up for being an annoying hypocrite. People might miss me (if i were to die) but i dont really have a lot of irl friends anyway and people get over death pretty quick anyway. (except for me!) It's actually really sad to see none of Kevins friends *TRU GANGSTA HOMIEZ 4 LYFE BITCHEZZZZZ" really give a s**t about his passing. I'm mourning on an anime forum about him, those friends basically said "miss ya bro" like its no big deal, like it happens all the time. Yeah, people do die all the time but an overall healthy 23 year old? Not usually. I wish I could have been closer to Kevin in some sense to maybe be a good/better example but heroin was more important. At the same time though, he hung out with BAD people and I'm glad he stopped talking to me after he found out I knew he was having sex with dudes on craigslist. If you guys knew how many times Kevin and his "friends" were arrested for alm)
Yeah, you got is bass ackward, lol. If you were Hitler you would think you have more of a right to live than anyone else on the earth. emotion_donotwant I think that you just empathize too much, too much to handle. Mine and your generations are loaded with people who have these kind of disorders, its because we dont get enough exercise. This be a deeper truth.
When I was younger I had this motto that I decided to adhere to when I started dwelling on things that bothered me "******** it" , no lie. It took some time to get used to but it helped me quit caring (or thinking) about stupid situations that werent going to ultimately ruin my life. It applies to all sorts of s**t when it started stomping around my thoughts. I always recommend it.
I didn't know wellbutrin would do that. I took it for like a month, 12 years ago to help me quit smoking, no real side effects. I'm currently on Prozac for panic disorder set on by stress and alcoholism and old age emotion_awesome
I've seen the horror stories of antidepressants and how so many people have adverse reactions to them, life changing, devestating and violent reactions, scary. That s**t ******** with your brain, literally! Antidepressants are not to be taken lightly and you will probably have to find the right one for you because obviously that one is not for you. Mine has taken away the scary panic attacks but hasn't done anything for my real life issues of course, not that they seem that bad to me, but you would have to meet my oldest son to make a judgement. He's ...been a difficult child since I first knew of his impending existence to be honest. 20% of the time he acts like a normal kid but the other 80% is full of offensive behavior and actions. Damn near a Genius but he's in special ed. I don't even know how to make him a functioning member of society and he's already 16. Been to Juvie already too, and i doubt he would ever be able to hold a job. Even most of his family find it hard to enjoy being around him, and at times even I'm the same way sweatdrop
Makes me wonder what I ever did to deserve this and why he has to be the one to suffer from whatever it is he has. My youngest son is a space cadet, crybaby, but normal, possibly gay.... Lol, whatever ******** it. emotion_awesome
Oh man life will squeeze you through flaming hoops. You just have to learn to become flame retardant, yes, you have to learn it, sucks. When you do, the tough times get easier to deal with. I'm like asbestos now.
Also, even though people get over the death of someone doesn't mean they forget. Part of the reason I developed this anxiety/panic disorder is because I was thinking pretty hard and reminiscing about some people I lost many years ago, during an already stressful time. I went out drinking one night with some friends and on the way home I had a drunken crying breakdown thinking about them. The next day I wasn't the same again for months and ended up in the ER freaking out a few times and on meds. don't fool yourself into thinking you won't matter after a while, you might just drive someone insane with sadness and guilt confused
I could keep talking cuz I think I'm full of wizdumb. I just, totally understand is all. I just want to say all the right things because I know they are in me somewhere but I think I'm rambling. You will be alright, she will be alright and there will be plenty of time left to patch up this lil hiccup in your lives because its not the end, its still the beginning, from my perspective. My son spent 5 years living with his dad and step mom and I hung out with him every weekend. When they divorced he came back to me and its barely been 7 years since. Still a long a** road of flaming hoops ahead of us gonk |
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 7:56 pm
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 8:35 pm
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 9:31 pm
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 9:33 pm
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Kor Saiyajinkami Love Renewed *hugs* Remember one thing. No matter how bad things might feel, if you aren't alive you can never have your daughter. It is an uphill annoying battle, but i believe you will beat that a** and get your daughter back. @Love Renewed: Only quoted that part because I agree with it and decided to borrow to start off. The rest is of the message is obviously being spoken to "its a curse", ok? Damn I've experienced some s**t, but nothing this bad. I agree with what Love Renewed said in the quoted part and I know also that you will win this ******** to all hell annoying uphill battle to get your daughter back. Ya know just think about this being the worst it will get because you don't deserve anymore bad things to happen and therefore I hope you don't. I'm not quite sure if this is helpful at all, but I'm sure one day after you've gotten your daughter back and your life is looking good you'll look back and know with confidence that life has already dealt you pretty much all the really bad s**t that it plans on throwing your way. Don't ever give up because no matter how bad things get ya gotta realize that things will get better and you must keep yourself in this plane of existence for the sake of your daughter if not for anything else, ok? Well I hope this helps. Honestly I can't think of anything else to say at the moment cuz I'm kinda tired for some reason even tho it's still early in the night. Well anyways if you want I am willing to be here on Gaia to give you an emotional boost if you ever want it from me, okay? Just message me if you need someone to talk to and have nobody else online. And of course feel free to add me, ok?
thank you for the kind words!
I'm definitely taking you up on the adding you part, thanks a ton. <3 |
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 9:46 pm
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its a curse Kor Saiyajinkami Love Renewed *hugs* Remember one thing. No matter how bad things might feel, if you aren't alive you can never have your daughter. It is an uphill annoying battle, but i believe you will beat that a** and get your daughter back. @Love Renewed: Only quoted that part because I agree with it and decided to borrow to start off. The rest is of the message is obviously being spoken to "its a curse", ok? Damn I've experienced some s**t, but nothing this bad. I agree with what Love Renewed said in the quoted part and I know also that you will win this ******** to all hell annoying uphill battle to get your daughter back. Ya know just think about this being the worst it will get because you don't deserve anymore bad things to happen and therefore I hope you don't. I'm not quite sure if this is helpful at all, but I'm sure one day after you've gotten your daughter back and your life is looking good you'll look back and know with confidence that life has already dealt you pretty much all the really bad s**t that it plans on throwing your way. Don't ever give up because no matter how bad things get ya gotta realize that things will get better and you must keep yourself in this plane of existence for the sake of your daughter if not for anything else, ok? Well I hope this helps. Honestly I can't think of anything else to say at the moment cuz I'm kinda tired for some reason even tho it's still early in the night. Well anyways if you want I am willing to be here on Gaia to give you an emotional boost if you ever want it from me, okay? Just message me if you need someone to talk to and have nobody else online. And of course feel free to add me, ok? thank you for the kind words! I'm definitely taking you up on the adding you part, thanks a ton. <3
You're always welcome. If you have Skype and need someone to vocally talk to you could always Skype with me too, ok?
My Skype: Kor_the_Legendary_Kami |
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 10:07 pm
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Pwnder Yeah, you got is bass ackward, lol. If you were Hitler you would think you have more of a right to live than anyone else on the earth. emotion_donotwant I think that you just empathize too much, too much to handle. Mine and your generations are loaded with people who have these kind of disorders, its because we dont get enough exercise. This be a deeper truth. When I was younger I had this motto that I decided to adhere to when I started dwelling on things that bothered me "******** it" , no lie. It took some time to get used to but it helped me quit caring (or thinking) about stupid situations that werent going to ultimately ruin my life. It applies to all sorts of s**t when it started stomping around my thoughts. I always recommend it. I didn't know wellbutrin would do that. I took it for like a month, 12 years ago to help me quit smoking, no real side effects. I'm currently on Prozac for panic disorder set on by stress and alcoholism and old age emotion_awesome I've seen the horror stories of antidepressants and how so many people have adverse reactions to them, life changing, devestating and violent reactions, scary. That s**t ******** with your brain, literally! Antidepressants are not to be taken lightly and you will probably have to find the right one for you because obviously that one is not for you. Mine has taken away the scary panic attacks but hasn't done anything for my real life issues of course, not that they seem that bad to me, but you would have to meet my oldest son to make a judgement. He's ...been a difficult child since I first knew of his impending existence to be honest. 20% of the time he acts like a normal kid but the other 80% is full of offensive behavior and actions. Damn near a Genius but he's in special ed. I don't even know how to make him a functioning member of society and he's already 16. Been to Juvie already too, and i doubt he would ever be able to hold a job. Even most of his family find it hard to enjoy being around him, and at times even I'm the same way sweatdrop Makes me wonder what I ever did to deserve this and why he has to be the one to suffer from whatever it is he has. My youngest son is a space cadet, crybaby, but normal, possibly gay.... Lol, whatever ******** it. emotion_awesome Oh man life will squeeze you through flaming hoops. You just have to learn to become flame retardant, yes, you have to learn it, sucks. When you do, the tough times get easier to deal with. I'm like asbestos now. Also, even though people get over the death of someone doesn't mean they forget. Part of the reason I developed this anxiety/panic disorder is because I was thinking pretty hard and reminiscing about some people I lost many years ago, during an already stressful time. I went out drinking one night with some friends and on the way home I had a drunken crying breakdown thinking about them. The next day I wasn't the same again for months and ended up in the ER freaking out a few times and on meds. don't fool yourself into thinking you won't matter after a while, you might just drive someone insane with sadness and guilt confused I could keep talking cuz I think I'm full of wizdumb. I just, totally understand is all. I just want to say all the right things because I know they are in me somewhere but I think I'm rambling. You will be alright, she will be alright and there will be plenty of time left to patch up this lil hiccup in your lives because its not the end, its still the beginning, from my perspective. My son spent 5 years living with his dad and step mom and I hung out with him every weekend. When they divorced he came back to me and its barely been 7 years since. Still a long a** road of flaming hoops ahead of us gonk
Wellbutrin is wonderful for an anti smoking aid! And weight loss! (that is, if you actually need to lose weight and/or quit smoking.)
I went from 120 pounds on it to 79... in 6 months. like what the in the ******** (I may or may not have mentioned that already, I haven't slept....at all. In like 30 hours or some s**t.)
it's creepy to know that almost every anti depressant has a black box warning which basically means it causes paradoxical effects in teens and young adults. So you basically take something to make you supa supa suicidal! emotion_facepalm
The doctor i had literally gave it to me for my ADHD (causes ADHD to become worse.) and for my anxiety (also becomes worse)
my parents literally asked all of my friends what I was on. They all said nothing that they know of. Because I was a shaking, super skeleton.
A tattoo school almost didn't give me a tattoo because they said no tweakers were allowed.
I cried. hard.
(because I wasn't on ANYTHING except some crappy wanna be upper)
but i still got my tattoo because the student who did it was like, "I don't think she's on street drugs.." To their ******** teacher. Rex is awesome.
You said your sixteen year old is "Damn near a Genius but he's in special ed." is he autistic by any chance? (obviously not a doctor, but I've heard of a lot of autistic kids like that.)
and your youngest will probably grow out of that...haha (hopefully.)
I take Klonopin for my anxiety which I'm getting taken off of for being on too long. (w/ds suck so bad, and with anti anxiety medication w/ding can kill you.)
also Ritalin helps my anxiety sometimes, but other times it makes it worse.
so idk it's totally random man.
Quote: I think that you just empathize too much, too much to handle. Mine and your generations are loaded with people who have these kind of disorders, its because we dont get enough exercise. This be a deeper truth.
what? really?
are you saying i could care less about other peoples problems if i just...worked out more?
I don't even have the energy to exercise.
(i'm losing too much weight again, but this time no one is noticing.)
it's probably the Ritalin but hey, at least I'm not shaking or acting like i'm high, or even "out of it". I'm like always here, I remember basically all that's happened while being on it. On Wellbutrin
I remember like... agreeing to a bunch of really bad ideas thinking they'd be good ideas.
Thankfully none of them worked out due to other people. (seriously was there an angel watching over me or some s**t?)
I was on a cam site and I was like, literally willing to meet ANYONE on there. hHAHAHAHAHaha ALL ABOARD THE NOPE TRAIN.
Quote: don't fool yourself into thinking you won't matter after a while, you might just drive someone insane with sadness and guilt confused
maybe my parents, my boyfriend and Anna when she gets older.
uhhh that's kind of enough people for me to care though.
Especially Anna.
I think being an adult sucks more than being a teenager but If I knew this when I was a teenager,I wouldn't have been in such a hurry to grow up.
You literally never know to "listen to your elders" until it's way too late and oops, have to pay bills and s**t now.
welp. |
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Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 5:38 am
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its a curse Quote: I think that you just empathize too much, too much to handle. Mine and your generations are loaded with people who have these kind of disorders, its because we dont get enough exercise. This be a deeper truth. what? really? are you saying i could care less about other peoples problems if i just...worked out more?
Pretty much. That and all the vitamin deficiencies we have from eating too much processed foods and unbalanced meals.
You should start weight training emotion_awesome (thats actually a really good idea)
As for my son, Autistic? Possibly ODD? Possibly. ADHD? Possibly, who the eff really knows. I've gotten like 8 different diagnosis from doctors through his life, the newest is DMD (Disruptive Mood Disorder) it's something new that crosses borders with Autism and ODD with ADHD mixed in. Medication hasn't seemed to work on him. Since he was very small he has flip flopped between stimulants and anti-pshycotics, right now he is on nothing. Meh, all I worry about is keeping him safe from accidentally hurting himself and others because he is so careless. That in itself has been one epic ongoing job since he popped out gonk
Quote: I think being an adult sucks more than being a teenager but If I knew this when I was a teenager,I wouldn't have been in such a hurry to grow up. You literally never know to "listen to your elders" until it's way too late and oops, have to pay bills and s**t now. welp.
Psh... I like being an adult better stare
Sure I have to work my a** off and pay bills but I'll be damned if I ever have to go back to being an ignorant teenager dealing with emotions and learning about life and dealing with other people just like me.........eww. Eff that noise. I'm an adult now and I'm in charge of what is going on around me and the people I deal with and the mistakes that I make. I absolutely despise the me under 21 (before I had kids)
Quote: Quote: don't fool yourself into thinking you won't matter after a while, you might just drive someone insane with sadness and guilt confused maybe my parents, my boyfriend and Anna when she gets older. uhhh that's kind of enough people for me to care though. Especially Anna.
uhhh... I don't think there is anyone else more important than the people on your list 3nodding |
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Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 9:43 am
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Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 5:27 pm
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its a curse Cerulean Miko no matter the reason DO NOT commit suicide...sure you will come close to doing so, but seek help...find some kind of support system for yourself....if you have to, go see a psychiatrist if possible...maybe some meds for awhile will help you overcome this temptation to kill yourself...i will pray for you...i wish you the best and hope things begin to look up for you... emotion_hug thank you! you're very sweet. I am seeing a psychiatrist and am on medication, though. :c |
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Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 10:33 pm
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