Bellus Clades: Yellow Blood (Crits?)

[Galaxa13]

If you want more crits I suggest posting in the "Submit troll for review/acceptance".  

[melona-pan]

incoming....!

You need to give Bellus a good proofreading. I found it fairly difficult to read through her app, there are many grammar errors and it doesn't flow too well. Perhaps have a friend look it over?

@personality: Bellus doesn't come off to me as being deceiving? I think this is a poor word to use; she is just uncomfortable until she is more familiar with her surroundings.

Bellus is a yellowblood- meaning she's on the low end of the hemospectrum. Your mood swings still don't work in the universe of Hivestuck- as I said it is a very difficult trait to pull off, especially in a world ruled by blood colour. If a highblood pissed her off and Bellus freaked out, yelled at and hit them, she'd surely be culled. You have to understand thats fairly socially unacceptable; random highbloods can be pushy, aggressive and violent. There is no way Bellus would always know 'who she's going up against', and she would certainly be targeted randomly on occasion. All in all, even if they piss her off, Bellus can't really attack highbloods just because she's upset. She simply wouldn't be alive if she did! You need to draw more specific barriers for these mood swings because so far, I'm seeing some major problems.

You describe these mood swings as violent and uncontrollable, yet she controls them somehow when highbloods are involved and manages not to get culled? You need to seriously draw out her barriers/thought process/survival skills. When does she not react? Does she know when it is best to keep composed? Does she have rules/limits? Elaborate. She just can't just freak out and do whatever she wants when her life is at stake!

Once more, random spazzy mood swings are very illogical and hard to pull off, especially for lowbloods since they literally effect your troll's ability to live. It only seems like two things trigger negative reactions (shitty highbloods and being hurt) so I don't think it's too important to Bellus' character. I would seriously consider reevaluating how important this quirk is to you- otherwise it needs to be heavily edited!

You also say lows are super low, yet only mention two things that actually dampen her mood.

@strengths
Right off the bat, your charismatic trait talks about negative aspects instead of positive (mouthy, catty, etc). Yet there is no mention of these personality aspects elsewhere... Bellus seems upbeat and friendly and bubbly everywhere else, where is this passive aggression coming from? Elaborate in the approproiate section.
You talk about highbloods and her dislike for their elitism here, but dont mention it at all in personality where it should be with the rest of her views on the hemospectrum. Please try to group like information together in the appropriate section!

@musical talent
while this could be considered a strength, I feel like this is more approprate under personality, elaborating on her hobbies more.

Overall I feel like you should give her some more strengths that are personality-based, since musical talent and her sharp aim are more things shes good at VS. her positive traits?

@flaws
What quadrents does she like to flirt in, or all? Just curious :3

So, getting to the bottling up emotions bit. Makes sense, and you should mention how this effects her mood swings/explosions (Im sure this has something to do with it!)
However, troll emotions aren't quite the same as human's. For example, anger is a very common and accepted emotion- I'd even go as far to say it could be one of the more celebtrated! After all, one of the reproductive quadrents is hatelove. Trolls relish in negativity like that- why does Bellus think things like anger, sadness, and jealousy are unacceptable?

Gullible mentioned how she is often swayed and charmed by highbloods, but everything else youve mentioned about them seems to imply she doesn't like them and can be standoffish. It seems rather contradictory?


Finally, just being clear that there is no trollian or sburb in this b/c so things like her quirk, god tier and such are not canon to this shop/irrelevent. smile  

[Catnip-and-Spankings]

melona-pan

few things I can fix off the bat,I'm running it through a grammar corrector right now,so I'll be editing it.I know I need to fix her charisma,it's on my to-do list.Mood swings wise I'm still working things out,and for strengths I'm just trying to find decent ones,but for now those work.The sharp-aim should be okay though,I've seen similar strengths such as agility and such that count just the same.Other things I'll try to fix,thank you~.  

[melona-pan]

Well you don't need to take away the things like sharp aim, I just think you should add more strengths (you can have maximum 4). To elaborate on her personality strengths, not just her talents. She doesn't seem to have too many of them, perhaps try looking through an adjective list.  

[Catnip-and-Spankings]

melona-pan

I think I'll move the sharp aim,and musical talent sections just up into personality,and replace them.Which I've already done haha.I just need to fix grammar on this and I'll let you read it over again,if your interested of course.  

[quite uneventful]

melona-pan

try looking through an adjective list.

this place is really helpful! i use it all the time for my characters :>