Tell a Joke Contest!

[User 32533777]

Okok I made this when I was like, five.

parrot: knock knock

Me: whos there?

Parrot: parrot

Me: parrot who?

Parrot: parrot who?  

[Milpheeo]

Did you hear how Canada got it's name?

No Good! Hahah

People put a whole bunch of letter into a bag. Then they got a man to pull out letters.

Man: C eh!

Man: N eh!

Man: D eh!

Don't worry I'm from Canadan eh! rofl  

[delasislas]

NotesOnMyPiano

Ok, this one I was told by an acquaintance of mine.


A priest is standing in a flooding street. Passerbys come up and say, "Father! The water is rising, we need to leave," and he replies "God will save me," the water rises to his knees. A truck comes up to the priest and says "Father! The water is rising, we need to leave," and again he replies, "God will save me," the water rises to his waist. A boat comes up and the driver says, "Father! The water is rising, we need to leave," and for the third time, he replies, "God will save me," the water rises to his shoulders. A helicopter comes by and the pilot shouts out, "Father! The water is rising, we need to leave," and for the final time he replies, "God will save me."

The priest dies and goes to heaven. he goes up to God and asked why he wasn't saved. God says "I tried! I sent you passerby's, a truck, a boat, and a helicopter!"

Its not terribly funny, but it amused me at the time.

i had the same joke but it was a guy stranded in the ocean.  

[Cognitohazard]

Three men somehow end up in paradise. The gatekeeper greets them and warns them to not step on the pink flowers. The three go their separate ways but meet up again a few days later. One of the men is with this horrendous woman. "Who is she and how is she with you?" the other men ask.

"I stepped on the pink flowers." the first man answers. The men go their separate ways again and meet up again a few days later. Another man is with an even uglier woman. "Pink flowers." The second man says, and the three go their separate ways again until they meet up a few days later. The third man has the most beautiful woman in the world with him. He smiles sheepishly and says, "She stepped on the pink flowers."  

[Iradesca]

My brother made this one up:

How did the world end?
God decided to play kickball.  

[shikyo strife]

Okay this one is a little dirty but I like the joke

A women is pregnant was triplets and the father of the children decides to leave the women just before she's due and he takes the car with him. The women goes into labor a few days later and is forced to walk to the hospital and on the way she had to walk down a dark ally way, a guy shoots her but she gets to the hospital and the women and children are fine. Thirteen years later, one of the children, a girl went up to her mother and said "Mom, I pissed a bullet!" And so the mother told her daughter the story that happened when they were born. Later that day one of the other children, another girl, came up to her mother and said "Mom, I pissed a bullet!" And so the mother said the story to the girl. Later the same day the last child, a boy, goes up to his mother and goes "Mom, guess what?" and the mother goes. "Let me guess, you pissed a bullet?" "No, I was jerking off and shot the dog!"  

[The_Scarlet_Lark]

lobo feroz

NotesOnMyPiano

Ok, this one I was told by an acquaintance of mine.


A priest is standing in a flooding street. Passerbys come up and say, "Father! The water is rising, we need to leave," and he replies "God will save me," the water rises to his knees. A truck comes up to the priest and says "Father! The water is rising, we need to leave," and again he replies, "God will save me," the water rises to his waist. A boat comes up and the driver says, "Father! The water is rising, we need to leave," and for the third time, he replies, "God will save me," the water rises to his shoulders. A helicopter comes by and the pilot shouts out, "Father! The water is rising, we need to leave," and for the final time he replies, "God will save me."

The priest dies and goes to heaven. he goes up to God and asked why he wasn't saved. God says "I tried! I sent you passerby's, a truck, a boat, and a helicopter!"

Its not terribly funny, but it amused me at the time.

i had the same joke but it was a guy stranded in the ocean.

Huh, I always heard it as a flood. FUnny how jokes change, huh?  

[La Bijou]

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 

[delasislas]

NotesOnMyPiano

lobo feroz

NotesOnMyPiano

Ok, this one I was told by an acquaintance of mine.


A priest is standing in a flooding street. Passerbys come up and say, "Father! The water is rising, we need to leave," and he replies "God will save me," the water rises to his knees. A truck comes up to the priest and says "Father! The water is rising, we need to leave," and again he replies, "God will save me," the water rises to his waist. A boat comes up and the driver says, "Father! The water is rising, we need to leave," and for the third time, he replies, "God will save me," the water rises to his shoulders. A helicopter comes by and the pilot shouts out, "Father! The water is rising, we need to leave," and for the final time he replies, "God will save me."

The priest dies and goes to heaven. he goes up to God and asked why he wasn't saved. God says "I tried! I sent you passerby's, a truck, a boat, and a helicopter!"

Its not terribly funny, but it amused me at the time.

i had the same joke but it was a guy stranded in the ocean.

Huh, I always heard it as a flood. FUnny how jokes change, huh?

yea  

[Ime Koje Nije Zauzeto]

i came to the doctor and told him: doctor i can see the future!Doctor:when did you notice that?Me: temorrow

TROLOLOLOLO!  

[LordFirewall]

I have a couple...here ya go biggrin

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter!

If CON is the opposite of PRO, is CONgress the opposite of PROgress?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

This is a comment
- This is a reply
-- NO!! THIS IS PATRICK!!!
--- Congratulations, you have just won the Internet.  

[CoolQueerLeader]

Two women where walking home after a girls night out and they felt the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.
Of course they had no toilet paper so the first one uses her underwear and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.
Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other,"You know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her panties."
"You think that's bad," said the other husband,"mine had a card stuck to her bum that said 'from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you.'"

 

[princessxsugarcookie]

What do cowboys put on their pancakes?

Maple Stirr-up.


~Haha, Cracks me up everytime. ♥

Oh, What do trees watch?
Paper-View.

What type of lights like the ground?
Floor-escent.



-I Know I'm only supposed to put one, but I wanted to amuse someone. ♥  

[hereonmars]

a girl and a mom walk into a store the mother buys a cucumber and the perverted girl said mom buy 1 more to eat the mother laughed and said thats my girl she walked out with 4 cucumbers