TMW's Journey to a Healthy Weight - 61lbs to go!

[Euthanasia Phase]

First of all, your exercise is extremely inspiring! It's difficult to find enough time to work out that much, but you're doing really well.
Also, I can sympathize about the grad school situation and being stressed in general. Just remember that there are a lot of factors that influence who's accepted, and if worse comes to worse you can retake the test and apply again later. Good luck with your weight, job, school, and everything else!  

[themadwriter]

Thanks guys for the support. It always seems to happen that at the start of the month I'm all gung-ho about doing things, but come middle of the month something will happen or I'll just loose my interest. It really sucks, and for the last three months that's been the inevitable cycle. I really need to break that habit. So tomorrow, hopping back on the damn horse and trying to stay on again. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. I hope....  

[Tandahda]

I totally understand. Is it possible to start with something simple and easy? Something small you can't get around not doing? I know that when I go crazy gung ho about things I eventually give up half way through.  

[themadwriter]

WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SELF DEPRECATION AND LOATHING. NEED TO GET IT OUT SOMEWHERE, SO HERE IT IS.

I don't like bitching online. I have a big thing against the emo stereotype that every time someone bitches about their life they're just seeking attention and should get over themselves. I have diagnosed depression/anxiety and sometimes, I need to say things to people who don't have an emotional investment in me and hopefully get some constructive feedback. My episodes get triggered by minor things. This time it was several things: arrow My mom canceling our trip to Minnesota at the literal last minute (I was going to see my friends that I haven't seen in 6 months) followed by
arrow getting a cold that has left me completely fatigued (I missed a day of work and have had to go home early the past two days resulting in copious amounts of sleeping) and finally
arrow not hearing anything from the guy I thought I had the chance to have a romantic relationship with.

I've been off my meds for the past month after slowing weening myself off of them. I was already on the lowest dosage, but it felt that it was the right time to ease off that dependency. Now all I can hear are the things that crept up when my issues are at their height.
arrow My friends must not want anything to do with me anymore because I couldn't come and visit them added to the fact that no one has been on aim in a week. Never mind that most of them are currently on Spring Break and are hopefully having a good time on vacation and visiting family. (See irrationality versus rationality. Unfortunately the emotions are on the irrational side).
arrow Missing work will make me seem unreliable, I'll get fewer hours and lose me job because I am replaceable despite the fact that I'm one of the best workers there (no lie, my managers have all told me this).
arrow Granted this guy and I have only had a few dates, but he's the first guy I've been with whom it didn't feel like a chore/complete loss of freedom to be with in a romantic capacity and the first guy who hasn't left me bored/disgusted by kissing. I haven't heard from him really in awhile despite sending texts and making tentative plans to hang out with again. Since I don't know what's going on I really shouldn't worry about anything, but all I hear is that voice saying that I need to remember my place: he took a look and woke up because who in their right mind would want anything to do with a fat, plain, messed up person like me? It is my lot in life to always be alone because I am fat, ugly, and messed up.

I know none of this but the last point has anything to do with weight loss, but the feeling that I can't do anything, especially losing weight is overwhelming. For the short time I was at work, I didn't want anyone to see me because, well A) being tired as all get out, but B) I felt that how I look is an offense to everyone who sees me. So fat, so disgusting, and no hope of change no matter what.

Thank you for letting me have this little corner of the internet to mourn the waste of space that is me.  

[Euthanasia Phase]

Don't give up! You're definitely not ugly or worthless, and you shouldn't feel that way because of your weight, or because of the opinions of idiots. None of the stuff on your list is your fault, and you shouldn't blame yourself for it.

I REALLY can relate to feeling like you're going to offend someone by being overweight, although you don't look offensive (or disgusting) in the slightest. And as for the guy, it's his damn problem if he doesn't reply. You shouldn't lose weight to win the favor of what is likely some average person with unrealistic standards, you should lose weight to be healthier, fitter, and to feel better. In other words, do it for YOURSELF.

Good luck with everything, hope it works out!