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 Posted: Sat Feb 14, 2009 12:24 pm
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Wow... so much fail.
The 12th, and yesterday, weren't ideal.
I deleted Thursday's post because I can hardly remember what I ate.
Yesterday, I had a mocha Bliss bar and a cup of tea, with best intentions of stopping and getting something to eat before the movie.
... but instead, we went to Ruby Tuesdays, and the salad bar looked AWFUL, so I just had a (BIG!) glass of wine and a sangria.
I was going to eat some of Mike's popcorn, but he doused it with nasty butter-flavoured oil crap before I got out of the bathroom, so I got a bottle of water instead and sipped that through the movie.
Then, I ordered my "safe" Mexican meal, but... she misunderstood me, and gave me a platter of rice and beans and fixings. And a GIANT plate of veggies and three tortillas!
That wasn't what I was expecting at all!
So, I ate two fajitas with lettuce and tomato and hot sauce on them, some tortilla chips, with salsa and cheese dip.
Then I ate ALL of the beans and all of the rice (the hot sauce was HOT, and I was trying to cool my mouth!) and had two sangria with two shots of Tuaca.
Oh, and one gin and Fresca when I got home.
All in all, utterly insanity.
I calculated it, and my calorie intake was well over 2500. sad
But, it gets better.
See, I think they cooked my veggies in close proximity to shrimp, which I'm allergic to, because I woke up at 3 in the morning and spent the next three hours in the bathroom.
I haven't been that sick in ages.
Today, I feel like utter crap. My throat is swollen and my stomach is upset, and I don't ever want to see food again.
So, 02.14.09 heart
Miso soup- 220
Salad- 60
Santa Fe chicken and rice soup- 180
Baked cajun Krinkle sticks- 100
Dinner: 3oz. lobster tail- 100, 1/2 cup beans and yellow carrots- 100, 1/2 cup asparagus- 30
Drinks: Asti- 600
2 gin and Fresca- 400
Vitamins- 10
Water: 2 liters, 20oz.
Total: 1800
Mike was supposed to open at work today and get out at 2, but he slept in, so he's stuck at work until 7, so I'm alone and sick and pitiful.
Happy Valentines day to me. sad
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Posted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 10:00 am
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I've had a bad couple of days.
I've been looking at online AA classes.
I don't know what to do with myself right now, but I can't go on feeling depressed, skipping classes, hiding in my room because I hate myself.
That sounds so strong, "hate".
But I have some clarity on my side, and I do hate.
My birthday's next week, and I can't see any possible way I'll be 140 by then.
I'll probably be drinking for my birthday.
I was looking forward to this at the end of the month, but lets face facts, why am I celebrating being a fat, alcoholic failure at 24?
02.16.09
This one gets bolded, because it's important.
Step 1, baby.
I have a problem. I'm powerless against it.
Its the main hurdle against successful weight loss. Its what caused me to regain the weight in the first place.
Drinking "only after 5" or "only on the weekends" isn't reasonable for me.
I'm an addict.
Lunch: Spinach artichoke chicken Lean Pocket- 270
Snack: Vanilla crisp Special K bar- 90
Lemon zinger tea
Snack: 1 cup Krinkle sticks- 100
Dinner: 5oz. ribeye- 400, worcester marinate- 10
Salad- 10, croutons- 50, salami and parmesan- 60, balsamic- 20
Honey chamomile tea
Vitamins- 10
Total: 1020
Water: 3 liters
Sobering up (finally) after last night. Starting to feel a little crushed, a little lost, a little lonely, and a little ashamed.
0 hours sober and counting.
"One Minute at a Time", baby. smile
Its making me antsy, thinking about singing sober for Rock Band tonight.
But, as a bonus, I'm a bit amazed at how little I really eat when I'm not consuming half of my calories in alcohol.
I'm still full, and my dinner looks HUGE.
I did some shopping today, got some fruit bowls and nice veggie-ful soups, and the stuff for more Brunswick stew. I was going to make it vegan, but there was no vegetable broth, so its "almost vegan" Brunswick stew. lol
Mike has 3 1lb. steaks, and I was looking at them apprehensively, sizing up what 3lbs. actually looks like.
I was mentally tallying them, "one off each hip, one off my tummy"... and .8oz in change, before I'm 140lbs.
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Posted: Tue Feb 17, 2009 10:05 am
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02.17.09
I'm pretty unpleasant today.
I had a very difficult time sleeping last night.
I don't feel like I ever really SLEPT, just dozed in half-trance purgatory until my alarm went off.
Breakfast: Mocha Bliss bar- 90
2 cups coffee- 10
Lunch: Healthy Ones hot dog- 70, bun- 100, mustard
Krinkle sticks- 100
Snack: Cheez it snack mix- 200
... more Krinkle sticks- 100
Man, I've got to get rid of these... they're so easy to devour. sad
Lemon zinger tea
Dinner: Salad- 10, croutons- 50, salami and parmesan- 60, balsamic- 20
1 cup Brunswick stew- 130
Chai tea
Fresca
Vitamins: 10
Total: 950
Water: 2 liters
I put together some Brunswick stew today, and I'm trying to figure out the calorie count, and serving sizes, by volume.
Argh, math!
130 calories per cup. Not bad.
Oddly enough, the chickpeas were the highest calorie ingredient.
... bizarre.
29 hours sober, woohoo.
I've been really cold and shaking all day today, and I randomly space out.
I had a Fresca, without the gin, and it tasted funny, heh.
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Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:24 pm
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02.18.09
I don't feel myself.
Life is a lot more "blah" without liquor.
I have two birthday parties to go to this weekend, and my own on Tuesday, the day after my birthday. I'm dreading these.
Tuesday will be bad enough, with 100 hot wings to eat.
Don't need booze to figure into it too.
I've been coming up with strategies, but all of them sound stupid.
"I'm on a cleanse before my birthday, no alcohol." (But, I smoke...)
"Ugh, I think I'm coming down with something... I brought some pop, I think my stomach can handle that..."
"I saw a lot of cops on the way over and I'm driving."
"I have a headache..."
Followed up by "It might be a migraine... alcohol always makes those worse."
I wish I could just say, "I'm working on recovering", but I'll be mercilessly tormented by my "friends". When most of your friends are 20-something years old, still crazy about the fact that they're drinking legally, things are difficult.
Things are even worse with my mom. To admit to her that I don't want wine at my birthday is to admit I have a problem.
I don't feel well today.
I'm nervous about this weekend, I've given myself heartburn from stress.
I just want to go back to sleep and wake up on Monday.
Breakfast: Strawberry white-chocolate yogurt- 100
Espresso doubleshot (lite)- 70
Coffee- 10
Lunch: Vegetable beef soup- 180
Snack: Miso soup- 35, with 1tbsp lo-so soy sauce- 15
Lemon zinger tea
2 sugarfree raspberry candies- 20
Dinner: Brunswick stew- 150
Beets- 50
Dessert: Cocoa roast almonds- 150
Vitamins- 10
Water: 3 liters
Total: 790
Mike knows I'm not feeling well, and he's bringing me pickled beets for a treat, my favourite! What a sweetie~!
Mmmm... beets...
20 minutes elliptical training: -200 calories
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Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 8:44 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:59 am
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02.19.09
Last night (after my last post, haha, how should I read into that? xD) Mike asked me to show him how to properly do some situps and pushups.
I was surprised and gratified, to have him acknowledge that I'm a good example and he wants to learn from me.
We talked very frankly about his drinking, and how he feels it isn't a problem, but understands why I'm so worried about him.
I feel much better today. biggrin
Breakfast: Vanilla crisp Special K bar- 90
Espresso doubleshot- 70
2 cups coffee- 10
Lunch: Garlic chicken mushroom Lean Pocket- 250
Cheddar Pringles- 100
Snack: FRIKKIN KRINKLE STICKS!- 200
After-strength training snack: Tortilla chips- 150, salsa- 20, habanero hot sauce- aaaaaaaaaayHOT! D:
Dinner: 2 chicken drumsticks, no skin- 160, breading- 80
Salad- 60, beets- 50
Vitamins- 10
Total: 1250
We have neverending Krinkle Sticks. They're so crunchy, and spicy, and they're not that bad for you (baked fluff with pepper and cajun seasoning, basically. Half the box is 110 calories)... but I thought we were out, and I was relieved, but I found another box upstairs, and realized, with horror...
There were a half-dozen more boxes in the pantry.
Someone has been buying bulk. sad
Water: 2 liters
I was getting in the car to drive to the post office, and I realized... its less than 5 miles, its a perfectly lovely day, I know a safe road that is infrequently traveled and connects to the town sidewalk system, and I should get out and walk.
So I'm putting on my pedometer, putting a bottle of water in my bag, and getting my butt outside for some sunshine. biggrin
I had an awesome walk. Its shorter than I thought, only 1.6 miles round trip. I could probably stretch it a little by going further into town and around a little residential area which is "private" but usually empty except during tourist season.
It was so beautiful today... I should really do that more often.
Next time, I need to remember to bring sunglasses, and crunchy treats for the vineyard dogs.
1.6 mile (3522 steps), 50 minutes, brisk pace: 220 calories burned
(Ankle/wrist weight) strength training:
Easy stretches
10 reps, 1.5lb. weights:
*inner thigh lifts
*outer thigh lifts
*straight leg side-lifts (butt and hips)
*rear leg lifts (butt)
*standing flies (chest and shoulders)
20 reps, with 1.5lb weights:
*seated leg raise (abs)
*bicycles (obliques)
20 reps, with 3lb weighted balls
*seated curl-forwards (lower back)
50 jumping jacks between reps
10 minutes elliptical: -100 calories
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Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 6:50 am
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02.20.09
Dragged my sorry carcass out of bed this morning...
I am so sore. sad
It got cold again, dammit.
To warm up, I got on the elliptical trainer, which works wonders for waking me up and getting me started. More so than this delicious coffee I'm drinking. Mmm...
Breakfast: "Sausage" bagel- 190
Coffee: 10
School snack: Maple brown sugar granola bar- 180
Lunch: Garlic and herb tuna- 90, dill relish, Wheat Thins toasted chips- 100
Snack: Krinkle sticks- 200
Of course. x3
Party: 1/2 gin and Fresca- 100 sad
At least I stopped halfway... that's something to be happy about.
Vitamins: 10
Total: 880
10 minutes (fasted) cardio: -100
Partied tonight... it was kind of dull near the end when just about everyone decided to play poker, and I didn't want to buy in, so I just sat on the couch alone.
I felt good about not drinking more than a few sips, then switching to cream soda and Fresca, and also for leaving the bottle of Asti I brought as a hostess gift, because I really really want it, and if it's in their fridge, not ours, I can't have it!! biggrin
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Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:34 pm
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02.21.09
I'm so glad its the weekend... I cleaned the kitchen, did some laundry, did some shopping for my birthday (making rainbow cupcakes with raspberry frosting tonight, all from scratch!) and took garbage to the dump, and I feel like I've had a very fulfilling day.
I'm chilling a little on dieting, hoping for 1500-1700 today, since this is my birthday weekend, and I DID get to see 140.0 on the scale Friday, which allows me a few lax days, I think. :3
Brunch: Lite hot dog- 70, bun- 100, mustard
Pretzel goldfish- 100
Apple vanilla white tea
Lunch: Miso soup packet- 35, with 1tbsp lo-so soy sauce- 15
2 slices pizza bread- 300
Krinkle sticks- 200
Snack: OH LAWD, MOAR KRINKLE STIX- 100
Dinner: Cheesey rice and broccoli- 300, cheese bread- 150
GIANT salad- 20, croutons- 60, balsamic- 20
Dessert: 1 1/2 rainbow cupcakes- 375, with (real!) raspberry frosting- 180
Drinks: 2 gin and Fresca- 200
"Bar snack": Pretzels- 150
Water: 1 liter, 6oz.
Total: 2375 (OWCH!)
I went a little wild after baking...
I taste-tested 1/2 of a cupcake without frosting, then ate a small funky one that I ran out of the blue layer for, which had my own from-scratch raspberry buttercream frosting and a maraschino cherry on top.
It was divine, even if it did look sort of like a boob...
Then I had a BIG dinner, and drinks. sad
At least I had the presence of mind to stop, leave my last drink mostly untouched (a thousand wee alcoholic demons clamoured to chug it and THEN go to sleep) and I never really got a buzz.
Honestly, it was the biggest waste of 200 calories EVER, and today I feel completely confused, wondering why I mixed them at all.
Not that 200 calories would've saved that bingey day. :p
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Posted: Thu Feb 26, 2009 11:43 am
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Well, as you can see, its been a while.
I've been really, REALLY bad to myself.
Sunday was okay.
I had a piece of cheesey bread for breakfast, some coffee, and then went over to Mike's parents for a joint mom/me birthday party.
... the first thing I'm confronted with when I get there is 2 bottles of pink Zellerschwartzkatz wine, my favourite, purchased specifically for me.
... suffice to say, I drank it.
Then I had a little napkin full of pub mix and a rainbow cupcake, because I was the only one dumb enough not to eat lunch when we were having a birthday DINNER, and later that evening, I got steamed veggies with scallops, and vegetable fried rice, my new favourite Chinese food takeout.
... and more wine.
The rainbow cupcakes were a massive hit, by the way. :3
And I got to try a little sliver of vegan chocolate cake, too!
So, all together, I didn't do so badly on Sunday.
Then, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were all... complete fail.
I can't even remember all of what I ate and drank.
The past two days, I've been waking up to stomach pains, so obviously my stomach is pleading for mercy, and I feel sick if I think too hard on the horrors I've consumed over the past three days.
I won't even go into the digestion issues. You're welcome. :3
With a little perspective, I'm horrified by myself.
Seriously.
Horrified.
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Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2009 1:04 pm
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Things are getting better.
I've been deeply philosophical about alcoholism, which I suppose is the first step to actually doing something about it.
"I think, therefore I booze."
Mike said something completely disparaging today...
He stepped on the scale, looked at it a second, then said "Huh, it looks like I lost 10 pounds."
And right on the heels of that, "That was easy."
Me: "ARGH!!"
Basically, he's surprised that all he had to do to lose 10lbs, was start eating MORE.
He never ate breakfast before, because he was never hungry, and after I explained to him about metabolism and "breaking" his "fast" in the morning, he started eating breakfast regularly.
... which led to him actually feeling hungry around lunch time, and getting lunch from the deli, or fast food for lunch.
So my boy just lost 10lbs by eating prepackaged breakfast sandwiches in the morning, fast food for lunch, and still eating 2 steaks and drinking a 6pack of beer for dinner.
... mother ********>. x3
Breakfast: Cheesey bread- 150
Orange spice tea
Decaf chai tea
Um... brunch?- Soyjoy raisin almond bar- 130
Pre-dinner snack (so I won't be hungry before the food gets to the table and devour nacho chips and guacamole and cheese dip): Krinkle sticks- 280
Vitamins: 10
Dinner: Chips- 150, salsa- 30, cheese dip- 100
Veggie quesadilla- 250, 1/2 cup mexican rice- 150, 1/2 cup refried beans- 150
Drinks: Sangria- 150, 1oz Tuaca- 100, 2/3 bottle of Moscato- 500
Water: 2 liters
Total: 2150
I ate an entire box of Krinkle Sticks, yes.
But it was spanned between noon and 5, while reading webcomics, and I was very surprised to discover the box was empty, to my credit!
... and also, I am out of cigarettes, and I think Krinkle Sticks remind me of the shape, fulfill my oral fixation, and since they are cajun, also the burning sensation. :3
In any case, they're all gone now.
EDIT: OH HELL! Mom just informed me that she bought a case of sea salt...! Oh damn, I'm screwed. sad
I love those things way too much.
Damn. Damn damn damn damn.
Over 2000? ... damn.
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Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2009 6:43 am
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Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2009 4:09 pm
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