DIRTY JOKES ( keep somewhat modest)

[Kaiyle Brightblade]

Lieutenant Shotgun

Sadistic Rainbows

This boy and girl wanted to go at it while the boy's brother was sleeping in their bunk-bed. The girl was worried that the brother was going to wake up while they were at it, so they made up code names. Ketchup was harder, lettuce was faster. So when they went at it at the top of the bunk-bed. The girl kept moaning "ketchup, ketchup....lettuce!!!", which in return woke the little brother up. The little brother said "Dude, stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonnaise all over me!"

Oh, gawd! XD

@Satin slippers: AWESOME. I wonder what happened next.

Imagine if it worked... lucky b*****d.  

[Kaiyle Brightblade]

SandWhisker

Kaiyle Brightblade

True story:
My science teacher was instructing a group of kindergärtners one day. Since it was a rural area, he decided to bring in some farm tools to show them. He held up the shovel and asked them what it was. They got it easily. Same with the rake. But they were stumped by the hoe. He told them, "this is a hoe." One little boy replied, "Thats not a hoe! My sister's a ho and she doesnt look anything like that."

Oh wow, this one really caught me up. I don't know whether to laugh, or feel ashamed.

I still don't know what to think about this story, but its definetly funny.  

[danushbr]

HAHAHAHA these are funny jokes smile  

[RosesFallingLikeRain]

Four men meet up at a party for the first time in thirty years. One man leaves to go to the bathroom.
They start talking about their children.
"My son is so rich. I'm very proud of him. He owns a car company and got his best friend a new car for their birthday." Says the first man.
"Well my son is so very rich that for his bes friend's birthday, he gave his friend a jet plane." Says the second.
"My son is so rich that he got his best friend a mansion for his birthday." Says the third.
The last man comes back, and hearing all the congratulations, says "My son is gay, and works at a nearby strip club, but I'm still very proud of him. For his birthday, his three boyfriends gave him a car, a jet and a mansion!"  

[The_Brightest_Moon]

"Harry, d**k and Bob all went for a hike. They came across a canyon that had no way to get across. There was a sign that said 'MAGICAL CANYON! SAY A WISH AND JUMP OFF, AND IT WILL COME TRUE!' so they considered.

Harry: Well, why not? I wish I could fly!!! *and so he jumps off, grows wings and flies to the other side.

d**k: Oh wow, it works!!! I wish I could walk on air! and so he jumps off and suddenly is able to walk to the other side on nothing.

Bob: *disapointed that they left him and excited that it works, he isn't thinking very well* HARRY! d**k! WAIT FOR ME! *jumps off*

(If you dont get it, just think about it)

and here are some bad pickup lines. Couldnt think of anything else.

1: Hey baby, how bout you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that comes up

2: I'm like a rubix cube- the more you play with me, the harder I get.  

[AThousandLullabies]

RosesFallingLikeRain

Four men meet up at a party for the first time in thirty years. One man leaves to go to the bathroom.
They start talking about their children.
"My son is so rich. I'm very proud of him. He owns a car company and got his best friend a new car for their birthday." Says the first man.
"Well my son is so very rich that for his bes friend's birthday, he gave his friend a jet plane." Says the second.
"My son is so rich that he got his best friend a mansion for his birthday." Says the third.
The last man comes back, and hearing all the congratulations, says "My son is gay, and works at a nearby strip club, but I'm still very proud of him. For his birthday, his three boyfriends gave him a car, a jet and a mansion!"

hehe...funny  

[Kaiyle Brightblade]

I man goes for a ride on his horse. Along the way he finds a rattlesnake. Worried that the snake might bite his horse, he gets out a shovel and prepares to kill it. The snake says to him "wait, don't kill me. I'm a magic rattlesnake. Spare me and I'll grant you three wishes." The man doesn't think he has anything to lose, so he says:
I want a face like Clark Gable, a body like Schwarzenegger, and sexual equipment like this horse.
Afterwards he rushes home to look in the mirror. Sure enough, the face of Clark Gable is looking back at him. He takes off his shirt, and sure enough he is RIPPED. Next he takes off his pants. "Oh no!" He says, "I was riding the mare."  

[Retard gtfo]

XD way to funny  

[Xxvamp girl_101xX]

Ok here's one:
Litlle sally gets home from school.

Her mother says: How was school swetty?

She says: Mommy mommy some boy showed me his pee pee today.

Mother: Oh my. Really?

Sally: Yes they reminded me of a peanut!

Mother: Awww really small?

Sally: No, Really salty.
*Her mother faints*  

[-werewolf-grl-743-]

god these are alll freakin funny!!!!!!!!!!  

[turtlesdoexist]

My friend told me this one yesterday ninja

In their R.E lesson, a boy kept poking a girl with his pen.
The teacher says: "So who created the world?"
The girl shouts (to the boy) "God!"
"Very good, and who was God's son?"
The girl then shouts "Jesus Christ!"
"Excellent, and what did Eve say to Adam after athey had all their children?"
The girl then shouts "Look mate, if you put that thing in me one more time then I'll snap it in half!"  

[Sardonic Plague]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

[xXiFallenAngeliXx]

Okay,heres a few... :

1. Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a b*****b".

----------------
2. A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for a**l sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
-----------------------
3. There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full."  

[xXiFallenAngeliXx]

Marasaki Chouchou

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

xD I read this about five times and laughed my a** off each time I read it.
This one was really good ^.^  

[yueaifeng]

It's more of a dirty pick up like. o 3o;;

"The word of the day is legs. Why don't you come over to my house and spread it?"

that's all I'm saying. > w >