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| Total Votes : 26 |
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 Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 4:26 pm
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'I n'.
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'.
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called ... Therapy
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Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 8:24 am
WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 90 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Sorry officer I had it on cruise control at 70, perhaps your radar gunneeds calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruisecontrol."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seatbelt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine."
The driver says, "Yes, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....................."Only when he's been drinking." biggrin
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 4:06 pm
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?'
’Good question', noted the Rabbi.
'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now
and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh', replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
Question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
' What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?'
'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying
To trap him with an unanswerable question.
'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now
and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'
'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
The know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi', he went on,
'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions
you perform?' 'Here, too, we do not waste', answered the Rabbi.
'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax
Office and about once a year they send us a complete d**k.'
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Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 2:00 pm
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2 a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52.. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
Not rocket science, eh????
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
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Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 3:01 am
Are we supposed to fly after reading this?
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,”which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ Pilots (marked with a P) and the Solutions Recorded (marked with an S) by Maintenance Engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And The Best One For Last !!
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel . Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
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Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 6:27 pm
A wife walks in to see her husband carefully looking over their marriage certificate. "What are you doing?", she asks curiously. To this he replies," Trying to find the expiration date on this damned thing!"
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Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 6:47 pm
Why are divorces so expensive?
Because they're worth it!
Just kidding
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Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 7:37 pm
How does an old man stay young?
by buying her fur coats, jewelery, and a house XD
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Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 7:45 pm
This is completely tastesless and not funny, but I always tell it because I promised someone a long time ago I'd keep his mos favorite stupid arse joke alive.
What kind of puppy do you get a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
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Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 8:51 pm
FalseChaimera A wife walks in to see her husband carefully looking over their marriage certificate. "What are you doing?", she asks curiously. To this he replies," Trying to find the expiration date on this damned thing!" That is too funny... Will have to tell my friend that one when she calls tomorrow..
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Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 9:24 pm
What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?
Someone is going to lose a trailer.
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
Cuatro sink-o.
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Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 3:52 am
knock! knock! Who's! there! Owl! Owl who! I'll reply later!
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