|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2013 11:27 pm
Tucked in a dim corner of the Ample Bounty Bar & Grille. Alice welcomed the fervent touch of the mysteries stranger's experienced hands because she had not been this close with a man in an achingly long time and, quivered breathlessly, began to think this could be a beginning of something real, something forever, and not just a one time encounter with a good Samaritan who was skilled at the Heimlich Maneuver.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 2:00 pm
Some a little more tame... sweatdrop
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 2:01 pm
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 2:03 pm
Women Tend To Like This Joke
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic
delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 11:48 am
Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 7:46 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 9:50 pm
love the jokes always check to see if u have a new one
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 8:33 pm
Thank you. I am glad they are bring enjoyed.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 8:34 pm
Two hillbillies are sitting on the front porch when one says to the other: “Len, can I axe you a question?”
“Why shore you can axed me a question”
“ If I wuz to have sex with your wife, and we had a child, would that make us kin?”
“Well, … no, but it would make us even
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 8:16 am
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes...
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, tax reference number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised 650 cocks last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 10:15 am
If you mated a Bulldog and a Shitzu would it be called Bullshit?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 7:05 pm
Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend.....I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said "That's us in ten years".
He said "That's a mirror, dipshit!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:52 am
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, Tattooed biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, with his fist in my face.
As I burst into tears the biker says, "Come on, man," "I didn't think you'd CRY, dude I was just messin with ya"
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. Everything has gone wrong, I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2013 2:36 pm
A wife in a loose fitting top leans into her husband and softly coos in his ear "you wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!"
She says "Okay!! You do the dishes, and I will sit of the couch and fart."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
