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 Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 10:08 am
Texas Midget
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors. -Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side.......then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots".
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Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2011 10:58 am
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without
missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great . . . that's just great . . . Some a*****e's got my pen!'
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Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2011 10:30 am
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: “I’ve seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!”
Hugh replies: “Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she’s charging a small fortune.”
Bill (with a chuckle): “Hugh, money’s no object to me. What’s her number.” So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.
They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling “God…now I know why you chose the name Divine.”
To which she replies: “Thank you, Bill…..and now I know how you chose the name ….. Microsoft.”
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Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2011 9:12 am
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2011 11:47 am
I received this from a friend on FB
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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Posted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 4:17 pm
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching
powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
--------------------------------
The moral of the story - Pay your ********' bills.
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Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2012 6:26 pm
A SUNDAY MORNING JOKE
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? ?
Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady ?
I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, sweetie,
what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, ma'am, I am looking and I am looking,
and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping da money to pay for dis ride?
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Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2012 9:39 am
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.
He's stark naked and has an erection.
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'oh no, not the breathalyzer again.' smile
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Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 10:24 am
Boobs Are Like Soda; Nobody Likes Them Flat . . .
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Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 10:27 am
Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?
It stays up 12 days & nights, has cute balls & looks good with the lights on!
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Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 10:29 am
Who said men don't remember anniversaries?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from is coffee,
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."
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Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 10:33 am
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any
feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
...
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot p***s around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your wife's body and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then they went over to the couch and they both got naked." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrot. "I got an ercetion, and fell off the damn perch
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Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 10:30 pm
POKER IS LIKE SEX.......if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. wink
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Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 8:18 pm
The Reality About Men
Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in between them.
Why?
Because there's no place like home.
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