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 Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 7:15 pm
Why didn't Dairy Queen get pregnant?
She went out w/ Mr. Softee.
Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
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Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:09 pm
A guy went to a bar and noticed there was a jar with a large number of $$$ on the bar. He asked the bartender, 'How do you get the $$$'. The bartender goes, 'There's a donkey out back. You have to make him laugh.'
So the guys goes in the back where the donkey's tied up, leans over, & whispers something in the donkey's ear. The donkey starts laughing so hard he can barely stand up and the guy walks out w/ the cash.
A few months later the same guy returns to the bar. He notices an even larger jar of $$$ on the bar. He asked the bartender, 'What do you have to do this time.' The bartender answers, 'This time is much harder; you have to make the donkey cry.'
The guy goes to the back and within a few minutes the poor donkey is bawling.
Before the man walks out, the bartender asks, 'How'd you do it?' The guy replies, 'The 1st time I told the donkey my d*** was bigger. The 2nd time I showed him.' xp
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Posted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:13 pm
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, d**k, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.
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Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 3:17 pm
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding.
“But, Officer,” the man protested, “I can explain.”
“Be quiet,” ordered the officer. “You can sit in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, sir, I just wanted to say—“
“I told you to stay quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A couple of hours later the officer checked in on the man and said, “You’re lucky that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.”
“I doubt that,” answered the prisoner. “I’m the groom.”
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Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 10:00 pm
Little Jokes for Dirty Minds
I was scared at first.
It was very wide, and very long,
and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it.
I really loved it.
Now I ride on escalators all the time.
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2011 10:38 am
Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
((No insult to any one or any religion is intended))
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2011 10:42 am
A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."
Read more: http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Joke-of-the-Day/Daily-Joke.aspx#ixzz1Gb41nLQ0
((No insult to any one or any religion is intended))
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Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2011 8:57 am
http://lolbyte.com/lol-random/if-facebook-existed-years-ago-lol/
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Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 6:22 am
What Do I Look Like?
There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the man gets home from work and his wife says, "Honey, look at the walls. They haven't been painted as long as we have lived here. It's peeling and cracking; couldn't you please just paint them?"
"Who do I look like? Michelangelo?" the man replies.
"I guess not", says the wife.
The next day the man gets back from work again. Again his wife starts to complain. "Oh sugar, couldn't you just please at least repair the stairs? They're falling apart and they're really unsafe to walk up."
The man says, "Who do I look like? Frank Lloyd Wright?"
"Well, maybe not," says the wife.
The next week the man returns from his job. He walks into his house and is suddenly amazed. The stairs are fixed, the walls were painted and the house looked superb. "Honey.....How did you do this? It looks great!" he says. "Well I met up with a handyman down the street. He offered to repair our house if I either bake him a batch of brownies or sleep with him" says the wife.
"Well, honey, you baked the batch of brownies, right?"
The wife replies, "Who do I look like, Sara Lee?"
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Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 9:11 am
What is a pirate's least favorite veggie?
Arrrrtichoke!!!
What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
The Arrrmy... no, the Navy, he's a pirate!
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Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 6:36 pm
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Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2011 10:13 am
What do you call an electrics tech from the hood?
Ohm boy.
I know it's weak, but it was funny in my high school electronics class.
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2011 12:21 pm
Potato Jokes
Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.
How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.
Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It's mashing!
What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry!
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Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 7:48 am
The Bored Man
There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, "Why the long face, Ralph?"
"Oh, I'm just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's just nothing left to challenge me."
His friend says, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?"
He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you." He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?"
He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president.Ralph says, "Sure, we go way back." This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.
His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. "Well, there must be someone that you don't know." He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope. After all, he's a Protestant.'
But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend desides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction.
So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in St. Peter's Square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph.
Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. "What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?"
"No, I'd begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was some stranger standing next to me who said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'"
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Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 7:53 am
A minister was pulled over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, “Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy.”
The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, “Go thou and sin no more.”
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