s**t.

[Triste-chan]

aka Help! My friend is possessed by fake demons!

aka How to exorcize demons when you don't believe in exorcisms.

aka Triste has bad taste in friends. And girlfriends. Seriously. My ex is a crazed Neo-Nazi (Oh god I loved her so much. Well, not really, but you know what I mean.) and now one of my new friends, Felicia, is under the impression that she is possessed by demonic entities.

Let me preface this by saying that I do not believe in demons, or evil spirits, or magic, or anything of the sort: I'm an atheist. Even if I did believe in demons, I think I would find it extremely unlikely that Felicia is actually possessed: apparently there was an incident a few years ago where she pretended to have amnesia for four days. This is someone who is seriously desperate for attention, and not in that ROFFLE LOOK AT ME way, more in that please mommy, pay attention to me for two seconds for God's sake please way. And I have no idea what to do about it.

So why the ******** am I asking you people? Besides the fact that many of you are older and wiser, you, as pagans, probably have a lot of experience with nutjobs who are desperate for attention. No offense. I mean, it's not as if atheists aren't 90% LOL LOOK AT ME MOM angstards. You know what I mean.

Anyway... yeah. Anybody have any good advice for dealing with friends who are in the midst of an imagined Mr. Dark Story?  

[Doctrix]

It depends on how much of a "friend" you really are to these people. If they aren't really good friends, I would be inclined to refer them to a Catholic priest and see how far they make it through that system before getting laughed at or tactfully declined.

If they really are good people with just this one screw loose, I would offer to do an exorcism. Then do something that sounds super-coolbeans and convincing. Having done this myself for a distraught, but otherwise sane, individual, I suggest the following thing that has been plastered all over the Internet for years. It seems to really excite some people who need excitement in their lives.

Quote:

By the crimson and the gold,
by basilisk and bloodstone,
by the garlic in the fields,
by the poppies and what they yield,
invisibly I make your shield,
to detect them and deflect them,
and keep their harm from thee.

By dragon's blood and salamanders,
by horses when their hooves strike sparks,
by the dragon breathing flames,
from the Book of Life I erase their names!
I cut the cords and unlock the chains!
I sever all the ties by which you were bound,
and with impenetrable walls I surround
against their power and its source;
against their evil and its source.

Vesta, Pele, Lilith!!!
Kali!!! Kali!!! Kali!!!

I banish them forever from thee,
and any harm from them to thee,
doubles back and tables turned,
they shalt by thyselves be burned!

Lilith, Vesta, Pele!!!
Kali Ma!!! Kali Ma!!!

by the power of three times three,
I banish thee, I banish thee, I banish thee!
You are set free!
So mote it be!

Maybe dance around with a sage smudge flashing a knife around and stomp a lot at the end, and then smile confidently and send them on their merry way. But don't let them tip you, or you'll feel like an a**.  

[maenad nuri]

That would make an awesome hip-hop song.
Rocking it Pagan old-school  

[Triste-chan]

[Kudzu]

It depends on how much of a "friend" you really are to these people. If they aren't really good friends, I would be inclined to refer them to a Catholic priest and see how far they make it through that system before getting laughed at or tactfully declined.

If they really are good people with just this one screw loose, I would offer to do an exorcism. Then do something that sounds super-coolbeans and convincing. Having done this myself for a distraught, but otherwise sane, individual, I suggest the following thing that has been plastered all over the Internet for years. It seems to really excite some people who need excitement in their lives.

Quote:

By the crimson and the gold,
by basilisk and bloodstone,
by the garlic in the fields,
by the poppies and what they yield,
invisibly I make your shield,
to detect them and deflect them,
and keep their harm from thee.

By dragon's blood and salamanders,
by horses when their hooves strike sparks,
by the dragon breathing flames,
from the Book of Life I erase their names!
I cut the cords and unlock the chains!
I sever all the ties by which you were bound,
and with impenetrable walls I surround
against their power and its source;
against their evil and its source.

Vesta, Pele, Lilith!!!
Kali!!! Kali!!! Kali!!!

I banish them forever from thee,
and any harm from them to thee,
doubles back and tables turned,
they shalt by thyselves be burned!

Lilith, Vesta, Pele!!!
Kali Ma!!! Kali Ma!!!

by the power of three times three,
I banish thee, I banish thee, I banish thee!
You are set free!
So mote it be!

Maybe dance around with a sage smudge flashing a knife around and stomp a lot at the end, and then smile confidently and send them on their merry way. But don't let them tip you, or you'll feel like an a**.

*slaps forehead*

See, this is why I KNEW it was a bad idea to let her know that I was an atheist and didn't believe in this stuff.

That exorcism is SO ******** COOL.

Also... what the ******** are Lilith, Pele, and Kali doing in the same exorcism?  

[Reijin-chan]

Triste-chan

Also... what the ******** are Lilith, Pele, and Kali doing in the same exorcism?

Well, just in case you don't know what you're dealing with, this way, you cover all your bases. Plus, they're really cool-sounding names. lol  

[Doctrix]

I know, isn't that banishment awesome? When I originally found it on the Internet years ago, it had no author attributed, but it was named "Advanced Permanent Banishment" and it had some crazy story about how somebody used it and then their enemy's baby was born with a hole in its heart. Extra-convincing backstory to throw at the person being exorcised.  

[CuAnnan]

Dammnation, I wish I could be there for that Excorsism, it'd be soooo much fun.

I could start spouting random bits of High Irish at them, intersparsed with Gaeilge.  

[Maze]

What about her other friends? Can any of them be convinced to do this Advanced Permanent Banishment? If just watching it is not enough, you, not being the one doing the APB, can then bring the camera for recording this joyous occasion.

(Which I'm suggesting for purely unselfish reasons, naturally. whee )  

[TatteredAngel]

Nuri

That would make an awesome hip-hop song.
Rocking it Pagan old-school

Heck yes. *considers* I have a friend who just might be able to put that to music...  

[I be me]

Your could send her to a christian chruch. one of those HALLALOULA!! deeply spiritual ones. Even if you don't have any deamons they will find some to exorcise, my mum does them for her church.
I swear to gods the entire thing is pure hypnotism. They start by getting you to relax and tell stories about your past, then they ask if you feel something and you say you do, then your pretty much done for. and they won't hypnotise you because they want to hypnotise you (mum doesn't believe in hypnotism as anything more than a way to fill your soul with deamons) it is just that they are taught a formula for healing prayers and that is it.  

[Operation Shoestring]

Vesta Lilith and PELE? gonk

Lilith and Pele might work together, but Vesta would have gotten into a catfight with one of them by the time you were halfway through the song.  

[Aya Azura]

Oh Gods. This is amazing. Why don't you just take your friend to see a therapist. Maybe you should day something like, maybe you should do something materialistic, before you do something "magickal". Heh. That's funny. Where do these people come from, please tell me.  

[Triste-chan]

FORTUNATELY

Sylvia Browne says demons don't exist. And now that Sylvia Browne is GOD in Felicia's little world, everything is cool.

Crisis averted! Now I just have to convince her that the world isn't going to end in 2012! YAY!  

[saint dreya]

Triste-chan

Crisis averted! Now I just have to convince her that the world isn't going to end in 2012! YAY!

convince her the calendar and math are evil?  

[I be me]

phoenix shadowwolf

Triste-chan

Crisis averted! Now I just have to convince her that the world isn't going to end in 2012! YAY!

convince her the calendar and math are evil?

Find a prophacy that won't get fufilled untill after that date.