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For many years, I had nightmares that it always happens in my bedroom or in total dark.

Basically, it's like I'm having a nightmare while being awake where I sleep. Sometimes, it's more just in total dark.

In my nightmare, someone ''kills'' me in various way, strangling, hit me, touching me sexually and rape.

It's really scary.

It's hard for me to wake up, to move, or open my eyes. I thought : What if this is really happening for real I need to wake up to see WHO is doing this to me ? I still doubt and unsure if some of theses ''nightmares'' really happened but I wasn't fully awake or didn't see the perpetrator.

Often, when theses nightmares happens, it seems I'm in a deep sleep, that it's hard to wake up and move. I search online, and I found that it's probably sleep paralysis. There isn't much accurate information about that.

Then, I thought why I have nightmares of being physically and sexually abused ? Is my unconsciousness revealing something? Is it just my fears?

Then, I remember that I repressed memories of when I was younger and I was being sexually touched by my father.


That my frustration, disgust, lack of affection, trust issue came from my childhood, from what I witnessed , what I lived...

I always hated how men look at women in a pervert way. Looking at their boobs, a**, whatever...

I never liked that people touched me.

I believed that men cannot be trusted.

I wondered how can my mom stayed with a man that abused her, that is also perverted to touch kids. She was dependent of him.

I hate women that are dependent. I am still trying to be independent. It's hard.

I've never talked about this to anyone. I wonder if I should tell my friends are not. Seriously, I've been crying for 3 days since I remembered my repressed memories. It is shameful, embarrassing stories. I was a victim and a witness.
I never fought for it. I should have.

The only thing I told my friend is : I developed over the years a hate to men, I dislike perverted people, they are not honest, they can't be trusted and I hate when people touch me. However, I realized that I identify a gender as really bad and there are good people in this world. Humans are bad people, not only men.

And my friends said : yeah not all men are like this