Welcome to Gaia! ::

OK, I'll try and keep this brief.

I've had ongoing issues with this friend since we met at work (she's now been fired). She's become really attached to me and only calls to tell me her problems or announce that she's had sex. She contacts me more than my sister's boyfriend contacts her, and they are a close couple.

She rings about all manner of things, like asking what size bag to pack to go to her father's house, asking what a mile is, right up to stuff like complaining about the men in her life.

The main issue is now that if I don't spend time with her, she calls or texts me saying that she wants to kill herself. Today she asked me over, but I couldn't make it because my sister was working and needed picking up. So she started texting, saying 'nobody would care if I was dead' and then called saying that she wanted to kill herself. These calls and texts only happen when I can't spend time with her.

Every time she talks about killing herself, it genuinely worries me...and I don't know what to do...it feels like she's using it to keep hold of me, and I end up feeling obligated to go see her in case she does do something...does it sound like there's a real risk of that?

Thanks, it's actually really good to hear from someone who dealt with the same thing and solved it.
I hope the distancing thing works...because I am not good at being upfront redface

Having needy friends can indeed be a challenge - I've dealt with a few on my own and the friendship has a tendency to become unhealthy.

It sounds like she is either incapable of making simple decisions for herself, or has a hard time making decisions without a second opinion. Perhaps she feels she needs to include friends on these things, but I can't be sure.

Life happens, and there will be times where with friends we may not be able to spend time with them. This is already a toxic friendship if she's threatening to kill herself if you don't hang around her. Some people that threaten suicide only do so for attention and to keep you stranded in their life because you feel like they are going to kill themselves if you don't. Sometimes I'm sure they can be quite serious. However, either way - it's manipulation. Don't let her manipulation get to you, don't cave into it because that's what they want - especially since se does it only when you don't want to hang out with her.

You have a right to be concerned, this type of thing generally brings concern. She could very well be using it to keep a hold of you. She may or may not be willing to kill herself, but the reason she does this is to keep you trapped as her friend and to make you give up whatever responsibilities you have to hang out with her because she wants you to hang out with her. It's selfish and manipulative behavior, which is unhealthy.

Personally, I don't see the risk of her actually killing herself since she's using it as a tool when you can't hang out. Although, I don't ever put it past me that someone would try and kill themselves just to make someone else feel bad for the rest of their lives.


You have a couple choices:

A) You can stay with her out of worry and concern that she's going to kill herself while remaining in a relationship that is unhealthy and difficult on you.

or

B) You can sit down and talk to her, explaining that you do have a lot of responsibilities and are sorry you can't hang out all the time, and explain behaviors of hers that worry you, scare you, or concern you.

or

C) You can cut the ties as friends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you want to cut the ties as friends, these steps may be good to follow:

~Realize that saying someone is "going to kill themselves" when you can't hang out and they are losing control of the situation. This is their way to frightening you into staying by their friend.

~If you know her well - think about how serious the suicide threats may be. Are they prone to depression or suicidal thoughts? Incation of something that may be serious could be if they have a plan that they are telling such as, "I'm going to jump in front of a car."/"I'm going to take pills"/"I'm going to hang myself"/etc. - they could have become clever at manipulating you into thinking they have a plan so that you comply. They can also be serious. Sometimes it's hard to tell for sure whether they are being serious or plain manipulative.

~Confront them for a serious talk and be completely honest in letting them know that you are cutting the ties to the friendship. You can express when they threaten to kill themselves, "That's not fair that you are guilt tripping me with suicide threads to get me to stay." Whatever you do, don't turn the guilt back around onto them. Remain focused and serious about the situation and don't turn it into an argument or anything ugly giving them a reason to kill themselves.

~If they still threaten to kill themselves when you want to cut the ties and you have some serious doubts about the intention of their threat, when you leave their sight be sure to call 911/Emergency Number/Emergency Services. Explain that they said they threatened to kill themselves and add details if they mention details on how they'd do it if they mentioned it to you. Prepare to give a home address if they will be at their home. At this point, let professionals deal with the situation.

~Don't blame yourself for any of this because it's not your fault. It's simply the way your friend had dealt with a situation when they feel they have lost control over it.

You're welcome smile

If she's taking birth control pills, there's a chance of getting pregnant still - it's just slim if the birth control is used properly.

I hope everything goes well when you talk with her!

From my experience, people who threaten to kill themselves over things like that aren't actually going to. Judging by the attention she craves from you, she's just making idle threats so that you'll speak to her more. Honestly, I'd slowly phase her out of my life if I were you. You don't have time for people like tha; she's just causing you unecessary stress.