How do you choose who to love?

[Hersheydudette]

Hello my lovely ladies. =) My name's Susan and I'm 20, and I want to pose the thread title's question to you primarily in the context of romantic love, or choosing a husband/partner.

First, what do I mean by love? I (and many of my peers) believe love above all to be a choice. After the initial feelings wear off, love is what's left. Love is choosing to support someone, to spend your days beside him, to be there even on some days when you don't feel like it.

My question, then, is how do you choose who to love? You can choose anyone, really. Clearly, you don't want to choose someone abusive, or a sibling, or someone far from you agewise, etc. Obvious aversions eliminated, it's decidedly not a matter of analyzing the person's income or assets... so how do you choose? Is it someone you merely enjoy passing time with? How does that work when there is more than one person you enjoy passing time with? Does attraction play a role? Do you let your emotions decide for you? Is it some ideal combination of attraction and enjoying spending time together? If so, how do you know once you've reached that equilibrium?


Thanks, all responses are appreciated. I don't know the answer and am genuinely curious to see what you guys think.  

[Aquatic_blue]

Putting falling in love under a choice, or choosing how to love is kinda odd for me because when I fell in love, it feels like it just happened xD

I thought I was always too picky in life when I searched for the one whom I wanted to love. I wanted a guy that was older than me, I wanted a guy that had his priorities straight, I wanted a guy that believed in God (if he didn't believe in God, he wasn't for me), I wanted a guy who loved my type of music and hated the same type of music that I did, I wanted a guy who wanted children one day, I wanted a guy that was sweet and would make decisions with me not without me, I wanted a guy that didn't curse or use foul language, I wanted a guy that had an awesome sense of humor, and I wanted a guy that would care about me no matter how I looked. I always thought, "Wow, I'm so picky. I'll never find the right guy. I may have to give up one of these preferences because I am probably a bit strict on them." Turns out, I married the one for me that meets all that criteria, which almost felt too good to be true. We've been happily married for quite a while =)

When choosing who to love - it all came down to if they had the same main priorities (it's okay to be different in other ways as well - after all, we're all human). I became best friends with the guy who was now my husband and he is still my best friend. We can hang out and have a good time without being romantic because we're best friends. We can also be together and be romantic because we love each other, too. I won't forget what my husband told me once. He said, "I think when two people get together and fall in love - they instead start loving each other and forget to like each other." I thought that was a good point because if you can't be each others best friends and buddies and like each other, why leave that behind and just "love" each other? Something will be missing that way.

Attraction in a sense can play a role scientifically with smells - an attraction to a certain persons smell. Either way, I think it plays a role. My husband to other people probably isn't the best looking guy in the world. Although, to me, he's always gonna be the sexiest guy I will ever know =D I love the way he looks and his personality adds that irresistible attraction to him.

Emotions play a role because if one is in a relationship that doesn't feel like it's going well - why continue on with it? If my emotions told me when I was dating somebody, "This isn't good. This relationship doesn't make me feel like I am a respected person. This relationship gives me feelings of fear." or some other negative feeling - it is time to end it and move on. If I feel the relationship felt positive then I'd keep going with it and sometimes ended up hurt at the end, but better hurt then sticking with a guy that truly was a jerk in the end. When I got married, I didn't have a doubt in my mind about spending the rest of my life with him and that is how it should be. If there is a slight hint of doubt, don't tie the knot and discontinue the relationship if need be.

There's that cliche phrase that says, "When you have found the one - you just know." I never understood this phrase! I was frustrated thinking, "When you know - you know. How vague is that?!" Although, I can say that it's hard to describe and when you know, you truly do know. =)

At one point in my life - I liked this one guy and wanted him to be my boyfriend because we enjoyed hanging out and chatting and seemed to have a lot of the same ideals. I was at school one day and this other guy - who I never thought of seeing as a boyfriend, but only a best friend asked me out. I felt awful because I was chasing after somebody else already who wasn't quite yet my boyfriend, but I felt that time was getting close. The guy that asked me had some traits that I didn't quite enjoy 100%, but could tolerate and he was only a best friend. I turned him down, and later was boyfriends with this other guy. This other guy eventually I found out he was a liar and the guy that was my best friend didn't want to talk to me. He's married now, too, and turns out - we know each others spouses, which is odd >_< but we each have somebody important in our lives to take care of.  

[havockitty]

Nutshell first (then long explanation)
Values are important-
emotional connection is needed
goals orientation- very imporatnt. You don’t want to hold each other back.
Personality- important but can grow with
cats approval- hes a good judge of character. Hes weeded out some past exs (romatic and friends) who turned out to be bad news.

I always wanted a mate. One who is equal to me and no superior or below me. I wanted someone who I could share my life with and grow with. Sexual attraction was important but other aspects came first. I wanted to find someone who could love me and care for me as much as my best friend does.I have a bond with her that is stronger then anything I have felt or experienced. I wanted someone who I could curl up on cold nights with and talk endless with. Someone who radiated warmth. Someone who could debate me, and not always agree with me. Someone who wasn’t exactly like me but could understand me still , and I still understand them. Someone who would push me to be a beter person, and some one who I could push to be their best. I wanted someone who I could not live without, and before i met my mate it was just my best friend.


Choosing to love someone dosent really make sense. You can fall in love with someone for their qualities ,

When I met my mate we were just kids. It started of as something sweet but it developed into a deep bond. Honestly my mate is not at all in any of my preferences . He is male , can be a bit of a jackass, oblivious and has the ability to make me lose my sanity (hes slightly younger then me too). I prefer women who are either more mature or very girly (and on the sweet end). What caught me was his eyes, something about them drew me and got me wanting to understand him more. Over 8 years I have come to see a complete other side of him that I originally didn’t . Hes gotten more mature and goal oriented, a lot more emotional and family oriented, and much more sweet (also gotten sexier..) . this he says is because he sees what he wants in his life in me, and before this he had no clue what he wanted. He on the flip coin has allowed me to be me, which untill now only one person had ever done (my bestie). It took time and a lot of work, but it was working though the hard times that made us love each other even more.

While he still is jackass sometimes I understand why, and can appreciate it a bit. He also has a scent which is very oddly calming and alluring. Reminds me of the tranquility I have when im out side. A good bit of our personal beliefs are different but there are cretin key values that have helped bring us together.

I was worried that if I found someone who was like my bestie, one or the other relationship would suffer. I have been blessed to find out that was not the case. Both get along and surpringly have some interests in common. Next year at this time as im walking down the aisle I will have two of the most important people in my life there beside me. Her and him.

Its funny but we also have an ex in common so our taste in women is similar XP


h  

[Hersheydudette]

Aquatic, I appreciated your explanation. It's reassuring and does help me to understand.

Havoc: I went back and amended my definition of love in the introduction to try to make what I was referring to more clear. I more meant the long-scale commitment resulting in marriage which I would call love is, above whatever else it may be, a choice. When you say, "You can fall in love with someone for their qualities," I guess I'd like to know what that means. That you just suddenly feel like they're wonderful for some characteristics they possess and those happy feelings that sporadically arise are love? I did like your description of who you were searching for. I think we're not so different in that respect. =)  

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Hersheydudette

Clearly, you don't want to choose someone abusive, or a sibling, or someone far from you agewise, etc.

Ok, abusive is definitely a dealbreaker here. No explanations necessary!

However, "someone far from you agewise" is open to a LOT of interpretations... I've known or heard of people close in age whose relationships failed horribly even though they should have been compatible in all other respects as well.

On the other end of the spectrum there's Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, who are far enough apart in age to be father and daughter, and they seem to be extremely happy together - just look at their body language.
















I plead the fifth on the other one.  

[Hersheydudette]

Gigi Deveraux

However, "someone far from you agewise" is open to a LOT of interpretations... I've known or heard of people close in age whose relationships failed horribly even though they should have been compatible in all other respects as well.

Hehehe about the 5th. xD

Evidently I should have been more specific in my first post, although I suppose the exact age difference could be an opinion. I legitimately have no objection towards what I would define as mild age differences; my own parents are 15 years apart and certainly very happy together. I meant the extremes and was thinking more in terms of what I just consider nearly impossible. I meant a 20 year old should probably not be with an 80 year old. (I hope you agree with me on that, and if not... uh... I don't think I'm willing to revise that, sorry. xD )  

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Hersheydudette

Hehehe about the 5th. xD

Evidently I should have been more specific in my first post, although I suppose the exact age difference could be an opinion. I legitimately have no objection towards what I would define as mild age differences; my own parents are 15 years apart and certainly very happy together. I meant the extremes and was thinking more in terms of what I just consider nearly impossible. I meant a 20 year old should probably not be with an 80 year old. (I hope you agree with me on that, and if not... uh... I don't think I'm willing to revise that, sorry. xD )

I see you've read my journal thread...

Well, Anna Nicole Smith married a guy old enough to be her grandfather... IIRC she was 26 and he was like 82. They obviously had an understanding, and she stuck with him until he died. I'm not saying theirs was a conventional marriage, but if it worked for them, who am I to judge?

I probably wouldn't marry such an old man - unless the deal was sweet enough, I suppose. The guy was filthy rich, after all!

Marrying for love has only really become the norm in the last 200 years, give or take a few decades. Before that, marriages were primarily a business contract between two families, and the people actually getting married usually didn't have much of a say in it. Those old romance novel plots about young women married off to old men for money were firmly based in reality!

We live in a time where it's becoming more acceptable to love someone openly for their soul rather than because they're rich, pretty, well-connected, a different ethnicity, the opposite sex/gender, whatever. To me, age seems a much lesser concern compared to those other possibilities.  

[Hersheydudette]

Gigi Deveraux

Hersheydudette

Hehehe about the 5th. xD

Evidently I should have been more specific in my first post, although I suppose the exact age difference could be an opinion. I legitimately have no objection towards what I would define as mild age differences; my own parents are 15 years apart and certainly very happy together. I meant the extremes and was thinking more in terms of what I just consider nearly impossible. I meant a 20 year old should probably not be with an 80 year old. (I hope you agree with me on that, and if not... uh... I don't think I'm willing to revise that, sorry. xD )

I see you've read my journal thread...

Well, Anna Nicole Smith married a guy old enough to be her grandfather... IIRC she was 26 and he was like 82. They obviously had an understanding, and she stuck with him until he died. I'm not saying theirs was a conventional marriage, but if it worked for them, who am I to judge?

I probably wouldn't marry such an old man - unless the deal was sweet enough, I suppose. The guy was filthy rich, after all!

Marrying for love has only really become the norm in the last 200 years, give or take a few decades. Before that, marriages were primarily a business contract between two families, and the people actually getting married usually didn't have much of a say in it. Those old romance novel plots about young women married off to old men for money were firmly based in reality!

We live in a time where it's becoming more acceptable to love someone openly for their soul rather than because they're rich, pretty, well-connected, a different ethnicity, the opposite sex/gender, whatever. To me, age seems a much lesser concern compared to those other possibilities.

Ooh I hadn't thought of her. Fair point. xD

And yeah, I suppose it really is a self-centered and ethnospecific question. There are certainly cultures in which people still don't marry for love. I guess I just wanted an answer I could apply.  

[Aquatic_blue]

Hersheydudette

Aquatic, I appreciated your explanation. It's reassuring and does help me to understand.

Havoc: I went back and amended my definition of love in the introduction to try to make what I was referring to more clear. I more meant the long-scale commitment resulting in marriage which I would call love is, above whatever else it may be, a choice. When you say, "You can fall in love with someone for their qualities," I guess I'd like to know what that means. That you just suddenly feel like they're wonderful for some characteristics they possess and those happy feelings that sporadically arise are love? I did like your description of who you were searching for. I think we're not so different in that respect. =)

I'm glad I could help - even if it helped just a little =)  

[Kitalpha Hart]

to me, 'love' is a chemical reaction that comes from hormones, nothing more

 

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

Going back to the original question: I believe you can't really choose who to love, but you can choose who you'll spend your life with.  

[havockitty]

Hersheydudette

Aquatic, I appreciated your explanation. It's reassuring and does help me to understand.

Havoc: I went back and amended my definition of love in the introduction to try to make what I was referring to more clear. I more meant the long-scale commitment resulting in marriage which I would call love is, above whatever else it may be, a choice. When you say, "You can fall in love with someone for their qualities," I guess I'd like to know what that means. That you just suddenly feel like they're wonderful for some characteristics they possess and those happy feelings that sporadically arise are love? I did like your description of who you were searching for. I think we're not so different in that respect. =)

aw thank you hon =) . hum ill see if i can define it more. Falling in love with some one goes beyond physical aspects and general interests. Interests are good to help with conversation and the physical is never bad either = wink But when you can see past both the body and the general likes , it allows you to see someone for who they are as a person.
.  

[deleteusername]

Making choices is hard xp & you have to know the person more to be in a relationship with that person heart  

[Lashuri Chan]

I don't love is a choice. If it was then people wouldn't be wasting their time trying to convince someone to get out of an abusive relationship, people wouldn't love the same sex, people wouldn't love someone who is five years older or younger than them.

Love is not a choice in my opinion. You can't help who you love and I know that is mostly said when it comes to gay rights but it is true for anyone no matter the orientation. You make love sound like something you can take and give anytime of the week like a present or something. I think it's more than that. I think it happens over time.

 

[the-pocket-llama]

little aishi chan

I don't love is a choice. If it was then people wouldn't be wasting their time trying to convince someone to get out of an abusive relationship, people wouldn't love the same sex, people wouldn't love someone who is five years older or younger than them.

Love is not a choice in my opinion. You can't help who you love and I know that is mostly said when it comes to gay rights but it is true for anyone no matter the orientation. You make love sound like something you can take and give anytime of the week like a present or something. I think it's more than that. I think it happens over time.

Gosh I wish I could tip you for this post, but I decided to quote you instead~. Far too many times I hear "I want to love a boy that's like this, or like that" When in reality... when you're really in love, it hits you like a semi-truck. You don't choose who you fall in love with, all you can do is choose whether or not you want to be with that person. (Which unless it's an abusive relationship should be a y-e-s~. x3)