Bellus Clades: Yellow Blood (Crits?)

[Catnip-and-Spankings]

Name: Bellus Clades

Bellus, Latin for beautiful.

Clades, Latin for disaster.

Blood color: Yellow Blood.#BFA615

Gender: Female

Symbol: http://i1105.photobucket.com/albums/h348/Killer-Karrie/Untitled.png

Personality: You are rather uncomfortable with your surroundings at first. You shy in public, looking like a grub put out for lunch. As soon as you get use to your surroundings though, take in the attitudes of others; understand the environment, your all smiles. It’s merely a matter of knowing how things work, and then you as straight forward as you can be. You try to talk to everyone, crack a few jokes or two. You also easily amused, usually finding enjoyment in small things. You can be distracted for a decent amount of time just doing a puzzle or some other small task. You suppose that’s how your mind works. Everything is a puzzle, pieces to put together and figure out.

You live to please people; it’s how you are, and you often put their needs before your own. It might be considered unhealthy to many people, but you want to be needed. You consider small things like compliments and flattery to be all worth going full head on into others issues instead of considering your own. You abundantly rarely consider your own feelings, which you believe is just passable; you can control your feelings, but what about how other people feel? You jump to the opportunity to deal with someone else’s problem, or improve their feelings, but scarcely do much to fix your own dilemmas. Along with this comes your flaw of bottling emotions up, your so use to dealing with everyone else’s instead of your own, you not quite sure how to, fully, deal with your feelings entirely.

Even though, you are fully aware of problems within the world, you prefer to ignore all negative things. If a friend dies, or you lose a dear object, you subject yourself to busy task acting as if nothing had happened. You guess you just can’t cope with the cruel ways of the world; you just can’t, and honestly believe you never will. It concerns your lusus to a great extent. Socially it makes you rather awkward in a relevant situation, if someone is to ask about a dead friend or similar subject, you will simply change the subject and act as if you have no knowledge of the event. This keeps her lusus from talking about deaths or anything along the lines. Sometimes though, people press into the matter, and it makes your rather uncomfortable. If they continue to press into the matter, you simply resort to ignoring them altogether.

Hobbies are something you have a significant abundance of for a troll of your status. You do have a computer which keeps you occupied most of the time, with all its fancy programming, which you spend a considerable time coding to your liking. This only usually ends in you deleting endless codes, and failures. You wouldn’t claim to be darned advantageous in the technological area though it’s more of a hobby, less of a skill. You have your piano, which to you is a prized possession; no one is allowed to touch it, no one, you put selfless hard effort and money into it. Watching movies from time to time is something you enjoy, you love predicting what will happen next, and what the motive of certain characters is. Your favorite hobby though seems to be card games. It was a hobby you picked up from a rather tricky street vendor, who’d scammed you out of a few beetles with a rather fancy looking card trick. You asked for a deck of cards, which he gladly gave to you for just a couple more beetles, and began to try to learn all the tricks and games you could learn. You mastered almost everyone, and have taken vain pride in being able to beat most people, most not all. Of course, you always carry a pack of cards on you, either for games, or throwing. Even though, you rather shy about it, you have a beautiful voice. You know all the scales by heart, and practice them daily. Thinking about it, you never quite knew you had a vocal talent before you had heard someone whistling outside of your hive. You started to form lyrics to go with the tune and eventually gave singing a try. Even though, you are shy about your voice, you love singing to people who you warm up too. You found yourself finding a certain enjoyment in music, and learned other various instruments, as well. Your favorite instrument was the piano, so when you eventually saved enough you bought a thrift store style piano, small enough to fit in your hive. You admit it was the best, but after you painted it up a little it looked good as new. It’s the main instrument you play, and you usually pair it with your voice.

All those card games had begun to bore you eventually, seeing how you’d memorized every last one. One day you were just laying around, when you decided to throw a few around outside. You discovered them to be surprisingly aerodynamic, and you soon attempted to make a more dangerous version. For a whole two months, you became intensely involved in your card throwing. You even went to lengths to set up three pairs of practice post outside. Due to constant practice you became a rather sharp shot you can proudly say you have an unusually sharp aim, ranging from thirty to fifty feet of distance.

The hemospectrum is rather odd with you. You find yourself in a rather awkward place with your blood color. You know you’re a low blood, and you know who not to miss with, and who it’s socially okay to talk too. You genuinely do wish though sometimes you could be like a high blood. Talk to whoever you please, however, and eat all the delicious looking things they do, not troll mc.d’s almost every night. Other times you take pride in your blood color, a lot of trolls in your spectrum do seem to have cool powers, or some spiffy talent.

Strengths:

[ + ] Extremely friendly

You are overly friendly to all you firstly come across and you love talking to people. You of course wouldn’t talk to someone higher than you first, but if they do care to speak to you, you try to be as friendly as you can be. You’re honestly a people person; you’re a fairly decent likable person to most. Some detest you for your up-beat attitude all the time, but you’re just as a kind towards them. Your logic behind your attitude is simply that you only live once, so why wouldn’t you be kind to all the people you meet?

[ + ] Forgiveness

There isn’t much that can get a person on your bad side. There are a few things though, and sometimes you can’t help but feel neglected when a person crosses one of those lines. You become mad for a while and try to avoid the person’s presence. It can be days to months, but in the end you still forgive said offender. You a kind hearted person, and simply can’t stay mad at anyone to long. As forgiving as you are though, you could never forgive a highly offensive act, such as killing your lusus. Normal offensives though, you forgive no problem and do regret letting said offender back into your life, live and let die you say.

[ + ] Positive

No matter what happens you keep your head up. If you hit rock bottom, you still believe it can only get better. There isn’t much that can happen that will make you lose your hopeful outlook. It’s only the matter of believing that even if you lose, there’s still another shot. You follow by this and try again and again if you fail in any area. You tend to be positive about a lot of things, not in all, but in most. If you lose a fight, you just smile and hope next time you’ll beat your opponent. You even still have a positive outlook on your life, even though you’re just a low blood who you know they could easily get rid of at any time.

Flaws:

[ - ] Absent minded flirt

You don't mean to flirt so much, you just do, and it’s not even in one quadrant it’s in all of them. Sometimes it’s small things that pop up in your sentences like calling someone “baby”, or adding more compliments then needed into a conversation. Other times though it’s obvious straight out flirting that you simply cannot miss. Sometimes you get to close in someone’s personal space, or wrap your arms around their waist, and you know that they’ll never be more than a friend. It’s not that you desperate to fill your quadrants, you have no reason to be rushed to fill them, and you just flirt by habit. You feel ashamed sometimes for flirting; you just feel you’re leading them into thinking you like them. Usually it takes someone saying something for you to catch yourself absently flirting, which in turn makes you blush quite a dark shade. It’s especially awkward for you, because you simply just don't seem like that type of girl.

[ - ] Bottles up emotions

You do like expressing the rather “awkward” emotions you feel. If you become angry, you push it back into your thoughts. You swallow sadness and move on, and jealousy or any other obscene emotion is out of the question. The only real emotions you let be exposed are the ones you think are socially acceptable. Happiness, discontent, worries, these are acceptable, and they aren’t tricky to understand dealing with or sort out. The other ones though you just can’t quite sort out so you push them away into the back of your mind. After a while though, you can only hold in so many emotions, and they eventually flood out. It isn’t a full damn break; it’s more of an emotional crying session where you just cry out all your unwanted feelings. When the urge to do this comes on, you prefer to do it in private, and try to keep them bottled up until you’re alone.

[ - ] Gullible

You’ve fell victim to money schemes and tricks to often for your own good. You just get curious, and end up losing more money than you should. You also believe a lot of what higher blooded trolls tell you. They know what they're talking about in your eyes, they get to go to all the large cities, and do everything you can’t. Due to this you often believe the silly stories high bloods tell. It makes you feel even more foolish when you tell these stories to others in your caste and even they laugh at you. Your curiosity gets the best of you more often than your common sense does. You just can’t resist hearing an amusing story about fancy things, or seeing some complicated trick that you can try to figure out.

Weapon: Card throwing is something you love, but your version is rather dangerous. Your cards are razor sharp and are arrow dynamic, making them deadly when thrown.

Appearance: You’re a bit on the small side, which is okay with you; it's more of a petite, cute kind of short. You have black hair as most trolls do, shoulder length in front, your bangs side-swept about eye level, with a convenient yellow stripe down the left side of your bangs, and down to your butt in the back. Your horns resemble those of a deer and sit nicely on top of your head. You usually wear a basic black V-neck sweater with your symbol on the front. You wear normal grey jeans, but like to playfully wear a pair of black leg warmers. You rather dislike shoes, and tend to run around barefoot most of the time. Shoes just seem so, restricting. Due to this, you wear many, various toe rings, you know it's odd for your caste, but you do adore how they look. Freckles splatter across your cheeks and the bridge of your nose randomly. Sometimes you like to connect the dots with them. You have abnormally natural long eyelashes, which sometimes interferes with your bangs. You have one set of slightly dull pointed teeth, and people describe your eyes as "tired" looking, but in truth it's just natural appearance.

Home: Desert.

Lusus: Your lusus is rabbit-lamb, which you just resort to calling rabbit mom. The bottom half of your lusus has lamb legs and tail, and the upper part has the head of a lamb with the ears of a rabbit. You love cuddling with her, she’s just so soft, and it hurts sometimes though because of her hooves. She’s not that hard to take care of, and you love having her around. You can’t actually talk to her but understand what she wants. She’s more like your pet then a lusus you suppose, but it’s okay because taking care of her has taught you a terrific deal of responsibility.

Power: What power?

 

[Catnip-and-Spankings]

Hive: Your hive is just a small one, tucked away in the corner of Chittentown. Nothing really makes it special or distinct, except the posts that you practice on. You live in one of the more populated sides of the city. Inside your house there isn’t much to see, you have a few band posters, various magazines laying around, your piano, your computer, various cards laying around either stuck in the wall or on the floor, and finally the needed things such as food and all that junk. Your favorite thing though is a rather fluffy carpet you have in your room, its long since became slightly more rag like in texture, due to your clumsy eating. You have three rooms in total, each medium sized. You have to admit it; it’s a bit cramped being in your side of town surrounded by so many people. Still you love your small home, seeing how everything is easy to find.

Typing quirk: Your qu-rk is always pu++ing pos-+-ves and nega+-ves +oge+her.

Trollian: beautifulDisaster

God Tier: If you had a god tier it’d probably being something exquisite. It’d be baggy like your sweater, and come down your knees, and it’d all be colored black except for your symbol which would be your blood color. You’d of course still not wear shoes, never. Your wings would be your blood color too, with black stripes down them. It’d also be really cool if it came with a cool scarf, maybe black so it looked like it blended in with your outfit.

God Tier Title: Maid of Mind

Job: Of course you have a job,duh. You work at a local comic store only about ten blocks down, and man you do love working there. It's decent pay you suppose nothing to brag on. Really though, you love studying all the different characters that come through, everyone is just so interesting!

Dreamer?: Derse


Pictures

X|X|X|X|X

 

[Catnip-and-Spankings]

Log of changes.

-Changed last name.

-Edited blood color.

-Changed personality/flaws/strengths.

-Edited home location.

 

[amicableAggressor]

heyy i don't have the time to give her a full read over right now, but i recommend putting spaces in the proper places after punctuation, it's kind of distracting and hard to read right now ):  

[Catnip-and-Spankings]

amicableAggressor

After comas correct? I've already looked it over spelling and grammar wise.I believe the spaces after commas are the only flaw.

 

[amicableAggressor]

and periods :')  

[Catnip-and-Spankings]

amicableAggressor

Fixed em all love c':

 

[Galaxa13]

First off I think her blood is too bright. I would would darken it up a tad. Yellow has the bad habit of being a blinding color.

"She is well received by the community wherever she may be, at least until they real Bellus to be rather unstable, in the mental mood swing sense."

This seems to be a problem. You say her mood swings mostly happen when she's away from home, yet where ever she may be she is well received initially? I guess I'm just confused as to how her mood swings actually work. How quickly do they happen when she's in a different environment? Do they take a while, thus giving this community a chance to warm up to her, or does she just have this magical quality that makes everyone like her on sight? The reasoning behind the mood swings could do with some more explaining too. Do they happen because she feels insecure in a different place from what she's used to? Or maybe she's just naturally this way and there's something about her home that balances her out? Also, I think you mean "realize" and not "real".

"Her hive is rather secluded from the rest of the world which makes it easier when she goes on her rampages of violence, but is rather dangerous when she sinks into depression."

Oh, so she has these mood swings even at home? Are they just more frequent when she isn't? How often does she have these mood swings and how long do they last? Do we see more of this perky Bellus, or is it her sliding from one end of the scale to the other?

"Her rampages of violence consist of her throwing objects, breaking dishes, and even sometimes destroying some of her hive, and if a troll is unfortunate enough to be near, she unknowingly to her knowledge ends up abusing them almost to the point of hospitalization."

First off, there are no hospitals in Alternia, but I understand if you're just using the term to show how much she injures them. Secondly, this kind of ties in with the question of how often her mood swings take place, but how does she manage to have any belongings or friends if she destroys/beats them up when she's in her angry moods? You talk about how she rampages when she's angry, but does she cause physical harm to herself when she's sad? Or does she just curl up in a ball and sob?

"Even though she is fully aware of problems within the world, she prefers to be oblivious to all negative things."

I don't think that means what you think it means. She can't be aware of the bad things and oblivious of them at the same time. She can choose to ignore them and just pretend things are fine, but she can't be oblivious to them.

"It sometimes concerns her lusus, but has no effect on her socially."

I'm sorry, but that's not going to happen. Using one of your examples, let's say one of her friends dies. She goes along pretending nothing has happened. Then another troll comes along and tries to talk to her about their death. Her behavior is going to put a damper on their interactions for sure.

"She also enjoys writing, she mostly writes about what she sees around her."

Eh, I don't know. This kind of bugs me. She writes about what she sees, but she chooses to ignore all the bad things? So does she take some creative license with her writings? Or does she only choose to write about the happy things she sees?

"She is constantly scribbling in a book she carries with her, which creeps other trolls out if she does venture into public, since she will stare for an intent moment and then scribble down all she noticed."

This also seems to go against the whole "being accepted by the community" thing you stated earlier. If she creeps other trolls out by spying on them like that I don't see why anyone would receive her well. Also, we already have a couple of trolls who have the whole "creep on everyone and then write about it" schtick. If you want to keep it I suggest somehow making it more unique for her. Such as why she does this. What does she do with what she writes?

"When she has the braves to leave her hive during the day, she likes to hunt various creatures."

Uh, no. The Alternian sun is blinding to trolls and these "creatures" are the undead. She'd be dead or at least blind if she chose to leave her hive during the day.

"Most trolls find it disgusting that she can take out the insides of a creature and stuff it."

I doubt this, since we have trolls that like to kill other trolls and then use their bodies in some way (experiments/harvesting/food). Her stuffing creatures really doesn't seem all that bad.

"Even if she despises the other troll, she will keep her charm on."

Why? This sounds like a conscious choice that she makes. Is it because she's blackflirting with them? Or because she thinks if she's charming maybe they'll start acting more to her liking?

"Trolls enjoy her company because of this, seeing how she is almost always kind towards them."

Except when she's in her mood swings. You seems to forget about her mood swings when you talk about her socially.

"In the presence of royalty this comes in hand since she has a rather certain grudge against people who hold themselves higher than others."

I don't get it. So, is she charming to them too or. . .?

"She also can play various instruments, making her almost like a walking band."

Hm, while I know people can sing great and play lots of instruments, this seems to come off as a bit Mary-Sueish. Maybe she can only play one instrument well and can sing, while the rest are just kind of hobbies, but she's not terrific at them?

"Her favorite instrument to play resembles something along the lines of a piano."

So is it a piano or something else? I know there are other instruments that are close to pianos, so does she play one of those?

"Being shy about her voice, she always kindly turns down the request."

O.K., so she's shy about singing, but what about playing the instruments? Is she equally shy about playing them, or would she be perfectly fine playing for other people as long as she didn't sing?

"She practices daily within her hive, leaving small marks in the walls. Due to this, she has a killer aim. "

Does she have a shooting range in her hive? I find it hard to believe that she can properly train herself while indoors with a long ranged weapon. I can understand if you want her practicing inside so that there can be marks all over the walls, but I just don't see how that can make her a crack shot at long distances. Plus, isn't her hive destroyed enough by her rage fits?

"Trolls in the fleet admire this skill more than other trolls do, since it makes them slightly frightened."

I would avoid assuming what the army thinks about her. Just because it seems a little god-modding.

"When she is left alone though, she begins to binge eat to fill the empty void she feels"

Is she fat? Does she then work off all of the extra calories she gains during these episodes? I think you should go into more detail about this aspect of her, rather than glossing over it. Binge eating is a serious problem and should be addressed.

"It usually ends with her going to see her friends’ houses, sick to the point of fainting; she ends up crashing in their houses usually. It’s a big problem, and concerns her lusus plus friends. They usually keep quiet about it though, and simply try to keep her company as much as possible. "

Again with the assuming. While this is great when it's your own story and you can mold everyone around you troll to how you want them to respond it's not so great in a roleplay. Not everyone is just going to accept her showing up at their hives and then let her crash there, nonetheless keep quiet about the whole ordeal and be there for her. There might be someone, but I would not have the actions of others be part of her description.
What would she do if after her binge eating she went to a friend's hive and they didn't let her inside? She's already feeling abandoned, obviously, so how would she react to straight up denial in her time of need?

"Very rarely Bellus finds someone who she simple can’t get enough."

Right off the bat if this is rare it shouldn't be one of her flaws because it won't come up often. Now if she had the tendency to become love sick, that's fine, but if it occurs (very) rarely then it's not really a major part of her personality.

"Only problem is she eats huge amounts of sugar at once."

So she doesn't just have one eating problem, she has two? This seems like a bit much. What does she do when she can't have sugar, such as when she was banned from it for a sweep? Does she throw tantrums? Does she have withdrawals? Does she try to eat any sweet she sees? Would she kill someone to get to her treats? Being an addict is more serious than just saying she has a major sweet tooth.

"Instead she wears a V-neck black shirt, and a necklace donning her family symbol."

I'm sure this is fine as long as it is large enough and in her blood color, but the symbol is not called a "family" symbol. Trolls have no families, so to speak. They have their lusus and then some believe in ancestors, but most lowbloods (such as your troll) don't buy into that. Going back to the necklace, I'm not sure how her symbol would be rendered as a necklace, since there are floating shapes in it.

Why does she live on the beach? He lusus isn't seadwelling and neither is she. The city is mostly deserted, so I am unsure why a troll who has problems with being alone would choose to live there.

All in all I say she have some kinks to work out in her personality. You give many reasons for why trolls would want to stay away from her, but say she has an easy time making friends. I don't think simply saying she is charming is going to cover all the stuff she does to keep friends. I would write more about what makes her such a good friend. She seems very dependent on others, but doesn't give them much in return.

Wow, I wrote a lot. I hope this helps.  

[Catnip-and-Spankings]

Galaxa13

I got this homie,i gots this.(Probably gonna end up re-writing everythinggg) :>
EDIT: I'm horrible,absolutely evil.It's even longer now.Oh yes,even longer.I explained alot more,shifted some things around.I hope you enjoy it more now <3 I know I do.

 

[Galaxa13]

Things are definitely getting better, but there are still some things in need of tweaking. =3

How often does she come across a "devastating revelation"? Those don't really happened often on normal circumstances so I'm not sure why it should warrant mention as a trigger. Obviously anyone would have a mood change if they were met with a devastating revelation.
Something I want to ask about her mood swings. Being extremely happy is part of them, yes? So does that mean when she gets troubled she sometimes gets super-duper happy? Or does she only get angry/sad? If it's the latter then I'm not sure that they're mood swings and not just her having really bad negative moments. Since they are triggered by her already feeling bad it's not like she's happy one minute and then sobbing the next. More like she's anxious one minute and then breaks down the next.

You keep bringing up what her friends do ("sometimes a friend may stop by just to see if she’s still okay, but will soon after leave" or "sometimes you inquire them if they’ll be coming back, and they sort of look at you weird" for example) and you should avoid doing this. This is about your troll, not other trolls. Kind of like what I brought up in my last crit, you don't know how these other trolls will react anyway. Just stick to talking about Bellus and her actions/thoughts.

She seems to spend a lot of time on the computer. What exactly does she do on it? Remember that in this shop trolls don't have access to the internet. Does she code? Does she do a lot of her writing here? Does she spend hours playing solitaire?

Hm, you've changed her charming strength to become more of a manipulative flaw. Being nice until a troll is no longer a use to her is not a strength at all.Also, being overly nice would not allow her to fade in the background, so to say. Being agreeable might be what you're looking for in that regard, not making much of a scene in hopes of not drawing attention to herself. Though I'm not sure being passive like is a strength either. I guess just work out the kinks in this strength and be more precise with it.

You're still saying "along the lines of a piano" instead of just "piano", I would fix that up so as to not create confusion.

How far can her paranoia go? Can it get worse when she's feeling alone? If it's only a slight thing that she can easily brush off and put on a good face for then it's not much of a flaw and more of a quirk in her world view. To make it a proper flaw I would intensify it a bit.

Her love of black romance seems to clash with how you built her up as a generally nice troll. Not saying nice trolls can't love black romance, but I have a hard time believing someone who is eager to be with friends would not be interested in a moirail or a matesprit. It is understandable if she has given up on these quadrants because she seems to push people away with her mood swings and clingyness, but I can still see her interested in them. Or perhaps she just isn't the friendly troll I thought she was? After all, her charisma seems to be used for manipulative ends. I guess you need to hone in more on her core personality.

Sometimes you switch your tense and start using "you" instead of 'she" or "Bellus", I would fix that. Overall she is a lot better than what you started with and if you address the issues I brought up she'll be even better!  

[Catnip-and-Spankings]

Galaxa13

tweaking right now,but I'm gonna adresses the bipolar ahead of time,becasue there isn't much to in reality be changed there. I have a sister who is bipolar, and this is similar to her behavior. It's more like a slide, back and fouth inbetween moods.But I'm working on everything else :]

EDIT: hoho,it has been tweaked again adressed all the various points c: i'd reply fast if i have more tweaking to attend,im leaving for a 9-day trip,heh,and will be without internet access.I wanna make sure this is perfect :>  

[Galaxa13]

You still have some tense issues and use "her" in place of "your" a lot. In the last sentence of the second paragraph I think you mean "sopor" and not "spoor".

"...and they sort of look at you weird."
Eh, like I said, it's best not to mention what other trolls will do and just talk about Bellus.

I think that's it besides some odd word usage from time to time. Giving her a complete read-through yourself might fix up any of these problems.

For Bellus herself I think she seems fine. Let some other brains pick at her for a bit. ouob  

[Catnip-and-Spankings]

Galaxa13

Read it through,fix all the pre-fixes.Fixed the end of that paragraph.Thank ya,I'm glad you enjoy her now <3.Now all we need is some people up in here >:3 so they can decide if they like my charished baby as well.

 

[melona-pan]

Hmmm don't have time for a full crit now, but have FEW things to say off the top of my head:

1- another troll in this shop already has ram horns + stubby pair on top, sorry! you'll have to work something else out.

2- she avoids highbloods, yet longs for black romance. as a lowblood, it seems logical that a fair share of blackrom related stuff would have to do with those of a higher caste that her. what sort of blackrom is she into that doesnt involve highbloods, usually?

3- random bipolar mood swings are tricky to pull off correctly. you need to elaborate more on what triggers said swings and why, since it is such a deciding factor of her personality. you also say that 'this is an occasional thing' in her personality blurb, yet everything centres around her paranoia which clashes a bit! She 'can be socially and publicly stable' if she wants to, so why can't she control herself all the time?

4- highbloods. she avoids them, but what about during her fits? You describe those as her being violent, chucking s**t at other trolls and stuff. When does she draw the line or how does she cope with sticky situations?