Faith Jumble - Help?

[Nines19]

I'm in a pretty confused state about a lot of things at the moment. It's a tangle of belief, want, don't-want, and I don't know what else.
I'm asking help in the form of whatever you'd like to offer; constructive criticism, questions, opinions, thoughts, cookies, whatever. Ask me stuff, rip me down, tear me apart. Whatever's left has to have some meaning, right?

Here's the deal;
I've got a loose belief that all deities exist, NOT as one but as individuals (hard polytheism). However, I also believe that it doesn't really matter to me personally because most of them don't really care that I exist and I'm not really going to be asking them for anything. (Sort of like the Celtic gods with anybody who's not theirs.)

However, I want to worship YHWH exclusively. To my knowledge, as long as I'm not worshiping other deities, He wouldn't have a problem with me believing they might exist. [correct if wrong, please]

But I want to do it in a sort of "liberal Christian" way - not following any particular denomination but more like a Gnostic Christian path, although I'm not sure that exactly fits either.

I also like the LHP idea of mastering the self and feel that self-discipline (etc.) is something I seriously need to develop. In theory, YHWH could help me with that goal, as well as others.

Another idea I'm fond of and don't really want to "give up" is the idea of magic in addition to prayer. It would probably be a good idea to explain what I mean by magic, so I will; What I call magic is using a part of myself to help change myself and consequently my life. [It's difficult to explain more than that because I'm not totaly sure I have a good grip on it myself.] I think doing this in addition to prayer would help me feel self-sufficient but not totally removed from YHWH in that I would be working on my own to better myself as well as asking Him for help.

Something I am not willing to lose at all is learning new things, and loving to learn new things. I know that a person can be of Faith A and be knowledgable about Faiths X, Y, and Z without believing them. I don't want to be that one person out of x-many that somehow gets it into their heads that they're not allowed to learn about stuff they disagree with.

I want to be nicer to people. I'd be the first one to tell anybody that I'm a total b***h, but the truth is I don't like it. I like the way I feel when I hurt people I don't like, and I HATE that I like it. I think having power over myself would be much more fulfilling than having to assert power over others, and lack of the former is probably what leads to the latter to begin with. I think this ties in with Agape, or at least my limited knowledge of it, that I'm supposed to be a good person and be nice to everybody whether friend or enemy.

I want to communicate with YHWH, but I'm not completely sure how (besides the vague, "Pray.") and I don't know how to validate my experience if I think He's answering me.


I know you guys are intelligent about stuff like this. I've been exploring various faith paths since I was like eleven (though not always the best info, of course) but now I feel like a total noob again. Please help me, I'm so lost.  

[Recursive Paradox]

I don't think there's an explicit or even implicit ban on acknowledging the existence of other deities in the Scriptures (from what I remember anyways). You're just not allowed to worship them. And if what I remember of the Law of Agape is correct then sadism itself is not bad, what would be bad is acting on it.

There are also nondenominational Christians, so in terms of not joining a specific denomination, you're just fine.

The definition of magic that you are using doesn't seem to be close to the contextual definitions of sorcery and other forbidden arts in the Scriptures so I don't see how that would be an issue. And the LHP idea of mastering the self isn't directly at odds with the RHP Christian faith although it could be a bit iffy. I guess it really depends on what you mean by mastering your self.  

[Nines19]

Recursive Paradox

And the LHP idea of mastering the self isn't directly at odds with the RHP Christian faith although it could be a bit iffy. I guess it really depends on what you mean by mastering your self.

Mostly, breaking all the bad habits I feel I have. For example, I'm lazy, I'm mean, I get moody, I dislike my body but because I'm lazy refuse to take the steps I know are necessary to fix it. And because these are true, I don't really like myself very much, which is a huge hurdle.

It gets to where I set my alarm clock to wake me up half an hour before I "really need" to be up, and I'll try to make myself get up then but I won't be able to and I'll instead fall back asleep. Then I'm late and scrambling to get ready and stressed out and agitated, which then leads to me being an a** to people.

I'd like to be at the point where I wake up to my alarm, say, "Okay, let's get up now," and listen to myself and do it. And be able to notice when I'm about to do or say something stupid or inappropriate and stop myself.  

[Recursive Paradox]

Nines19

Recursive Paradox

And the LHP idea of mastering the self isn't directly at odds with the RHP Christian faith although it could be a bit iffy. I guess it really depends on what you mean by mastering your self.

Mostly, breaking all the bad habits I feel I have. For example, I'm lazy, I'm mean, I get moody, I dislike my body but because I'm lazy refuse to take the steps I know are necessary to fix it. And because these are true, I don't really like myself very much, which is a huge hurdle.

It gets to where I set my alarm clock to wake me up half an hour before I "really need" to be up, and I'll try to make myself get up then but I won't be able to and I'll instead fall back asleep. Then I'm late and scrambling to get ready and stressed out and agitated, which then leads to me being an a** to people.

I'd like to be at the point where I wake up to my alarm, say, "Okay, let's get up now," and listen to myself and do it. And be able to notice when I'm about to do or say something stupid or inappropriate and stop myself.

That really sounds more like self discipline, which is present in both RHPs and LHPs in many cases. I'm fairly certain there are methods of self discipline through YHVH that are specifically offered within Christianity. So I'm not sure if it would be necessary to delve into LHPs for that. You certainly could do so, but I imagine you can find what you need right in your own backyard so to speak.  

[TeaDidikai]

Nines19

cookies,

YAY COOKIES!

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Here's the deal;
I've got a loose belief that all deities exist, NOT as one but as individuals (hard polytheism). However, I also believe that it doesn't really matter to me personally because most of them don't really care that I exist and I'm not really going to be asking them for anything. (Sort of like the Celtic gods with anybody who's not theirs.)

However, I want to worship YHWH exclusively. To my knowledge, as long as I'm not worshiping other deities, He wouldn't have a problem with me believing they might exist. [correct if wrong, please]

Accurate statement. This world view is known as Monolateralism and I am able to provide scripture to support it if you would like.

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But I want to do it in a sort of "liberal Christian" way - not following any particular denomination but more like a Gnostic Christian path, although I'm not sure that exactly fits either.

When you use the big G, you're talking about a tradition (well, a series of specific traditions), it's a linguistics thing.

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I also like the LHP idea of mastering the self and feel that self-discipline (etc.) is something I seriously need to develop. In theory, YHWH could help me with that goal, as well as others.

This is a little decontextualized for me.

The idea of self mastery as boon is present in both LHP and RHP. The question isn't about what one does, but for whom.

Are you seeking to master yourself in order to be a better steward to YHVH? Or are you doing it for yourself?

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Another idea I'm fond of and don't really want to "give up" is the idea of magic in addition to prayer. It would probably be a good idea to explain what I mean by magic, so I will; What I call magic is using a part of myself to help change myself and consequently my life. [It's difficult to explain more than that because I'm not totaly sure I have a good grip on it myself.] I think doing this in addition to prayer would help me feel self-sufficient but not totally removed from YHWH in that I would be working on my own to better myself as well as asking Him for help.

What part of yourself are you employing?

Quote:

Something I am not willing to lose at all is learning new things, and loving to learn new things. I know that a person can be of Faith A and be knowledgable about Faiths X, Y, and Z without believing them. I don't want to be that one person out of x-many that somehow gets it into their heads that they're not allowed to learn about stuff they disagree with.

Don't see this as incompatible with Agape, so no worries there.

Quote:

I want to be nicer to people. I'd be the first one to tell anybody that I'm a total b***h, but the truth is I don't like it. I like the way I feel when I hurt people I don't like, and I HATE that I like it. I think having power over myself would be much more fulfilling than having to assert power over others, and lack of the former is probably what leads to the latter to begin with. I think this ties in with Agape, or at least my limited knowledge of it, that I'm supposed to be a good person and be nice to everybody whether friend or enemy.

Yep. This is in line with Agape.

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I want to communicate with YHWH, but I'm not completely sure how (besides the vague, "Pray.") and I don't know how to validate my experience if I think He's answering me.

What are you good at?

Also? Why YHVH? What gives rise to the belief that it is YHVH that is the god of Christendom save for metaphorical delineation?  

[Nines19]

TeaDidikai

Accurate statement. This world view is known as Monolateralism and I am able to provide scripture to support it if you would like.

Spiffy. Please and thankee.

TeaDidikai

When you use the big G, you're talking about a tradition (well, a series of specific traditions), it's a linguistics thing.

Noted. Little G is different?

TeaDidikai

This is a little decontextualized for me.

Makes sense. I think I got the bare-bones over-simplifications whenever I asked someone what the difference between LHP & RHP was.

TeaDidikai

Are you seeking to master yourself in order to be a better steward to YHVH? Or are you doing it for yourself?

Directly, myself, but being a better steward to YHWH is a perceived side-effect.

TeaDidikai

What part of yourself are you employing?

I'd like to say a part of my mind, because everything I can remember having done has been mentally-focused (in what could be considered a meditative state, by some), but like I said, I don't totally understand it yet myself.

TeaDidikai

What are you good at?

Off hand, I'd say thinking, writing, and sleeping.

TeaDidikai

Also? Why YHVH? What gives rise to the belief that it is YHVH that is the god of Christendom save for metaphorical delineation?

He's the one I tried to talk to. It feels like He responded, or tried to, but at the moment I'm not sure if that's just wishful thinking or not.  

[TeaDidikai]

Nines19

Spiffy. Please and thankee.

Here ya go.

I used the Young's Literal translation because it has the least biased translation- no eisegesis, just direct translation into proper English syntax.

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Noted. Little G is different?

In so much that the idea of gnosis and the principles of gnostic thought could exist outside of the group that took the title to identify themselves- yeah.

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Makes sense. I think I got the bare-bones over-simplifications whenever I asked someone what the difference between LHP & RHP was.

Fair enough.

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Directly, myself, but being a better steward to YHWH is a perceived side-effect.

I'd question your motives. Why do you disapprove of these "bad habits"?

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I'd like to say a part of my mind, because everything I can remember having done has been mentally-focused (in what could be considered a meditative state, by some), but like I said, I don't totally understand it yet myself.

Seems reasonable.

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Off hand, I'd say thinking, writing, and sleeping.

Looks like constructing guided meditations, meditating in general, making offerings of written works and perhaps researching into sacred sleep might all be things you can turn your talents to service of your god.

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He's the one I tried to talk to. It feels like He responded, or tried to, but at the moment I'm not sure if that's just wishful thinking or not.

Did you call him by the tetragramaton? Or did you use something else?  

[Nines19]

TeaDidikai

Nines19

Spiffy. Please and thankee.

Here ya go.

I used the Young's Literal translation because it has the least biased translation- no eisegesis, just direct translation into proper English syntax.

Thankee.

TeaDidikai

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Noted. Little G is different?

In so much that the idea of gnosis and the principles of gnostic thought could exist outside of the group that took the title to identify themselves- yeah.

Okay.

TeaDidikai

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Directly, myself, but being a better steward to YHWH is a perceived side-effect.

I'd question your motives. Why do you disapprove of these "bad habits"?

They make me counter-productive and contribute to emotional and physical stress and horrible moods, which then contributes to me being an a** to people. Not very good on the Agape front.

TeaDidikai

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Off hand, I'd say thinking, writing, and sleeping.

Looks like constructing guided meditations, meditating in general, making offerings of written works and perhaps researching into sacred sleep might all be things you can turn your talents to service of your god.

All of those things do sound appealing. Thank you.

TeaDidikai

Quote:

He's the one I tried to talk to. It feels like He responded, or tried to, but at the moment I'm not sure if that's just wishful thinking or not.

Did you call him by the tetragramaton? Or did you use something else?

I called Him "Yahweh" and focused on the, I guess, "idea" of Him.
I've honestly never done something like that before so I feel like I'm botching it completely...  

[TeaDidikai]

Nines19

Not very good on the Agape front.

This is the kind of thing that makes me think that it falls more on the RHP than the LHP.

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I called Him "Yahweh" and focused on the, I guess, "idea" of Him.
I've honestly never done something like that before so I feel like I'm botching it completely...

Interesting. I assume there was no verification that it was YHVH, ya?  

[Nines19]

TeaDidikai

Nines19

Not very good on the Agape front.

This is the kind of thing that makes me think that it falls more on the RHP than the LHP.

You're probably right. I just keep wanting to think that wanting to help myself is selfish to begin with despite motive, and I guess I associate that with the LHP.

TeaDidikai

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I called Him "Yahweh" and focused on the, I guess, "idea" of Him.
I've honestly never done something like that before so I feel like I'm botching it completely...

Interesting. I assume there was no verification that it was YHVH, ya?

Right. Which is probably where a lot of my confusion comes from because if I could be certain it was in fact Him, I could just ask Him this stuff, heh.  

[Recursive Paradox]

Nines19

You're probably right. I just keep wanting to think that wanting to help myself is selfish to begin with despite motive, and I guess I associate that with the LHP.

Helping yourself in and of itself isn't selfish (or particularly LHPesque). It's when you help yourself to the exclusion of others that it starts to flow away from what most RHP's find acceptable.

It's an iffy situation in general because RHP vs. LHP is sort of a false binary. Not all paths fit either of them and not all traditions, beliefs and philosophical constructs do either. You don't want to get too caught up in what is or isn't LHP when you're dealing with a specific path and instead deal with what is allowed or acceptable within that path.

That allows you to figure things out without possibly getting caught in false binary traps that can limit your comprehension or realizations.  

[TeaDidikai]

Nines19

You're probably right. I just keep wanting to think that wanting to help myself is selfish to begin with despite motive, and I guess I associate that with the LHP.

Any idea where that thinking comes from?

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Right. Which is probably where a lot of my confusion comes from because if I could be certain it was in fact Him, I could just ask Him this stuff, heh.

True enough. Is there a specific reason you feel drawn to YHVH? Or is it a matter of being drawn to Yeshua?  

[Nines19]

TeaDidikai

Nines19

You're probably right. I just keep wanting to think that wanting to help myself is selfish to begin with despite motive, and I guess I associate that with the LHP.

Any idea where that thinking comes from?

Probably my false past impression that my understanding (however limited) of LaVeyan Satanism was the be-all of LHP.

TeaDidikai

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Right. Which is probably where a lot of my confusion comes from because if I could be certain it was in fact Him, I could just ask Him this stuff, heh.

True enough. Is there a specific reason you feel drawn to YHVH? Or is it a matter of being drawn to Yeshua?

This might not be totally correct, but when I use the term "YHWH," in my eyes I'm referring to the Trinitarian God as a whole, which would include Yeshua.

I think it's based on a few factors. One of them being that my husband is Catholic, and I think part of me wants to be on a similar level with him spiritually. This kind of loaned the idea of YHWH to me "lacking" a deity "of my own," and I think I've also been influenced by a sort of realization that He isn't all "fire and brimstone" and the sort of really negative thinking about Him that I'd picked up in the last few years. It's almost like, I've spent so much time defending Christianity from angstheists that it started to sink in a little, heh.
Another thing that might play a part is the nature of YHWH Himself. I'm not totally comfortable with the idea of Divine Feminine or (to be honest) female power in general. This is something that's been at me for a long time, and I'm starting to get over it a little but at the same time, a solitary male divine is still very appealing spiritually. I can focus on becoming okay with the female aspect in my physical life and still have that masculine connection spiritually. (I know there are lots of other male gods out there, who may or may not have female "aspects" or "consorts," but many pantheons, and more specifically the ones I actually know of, have a sort of familial structure that I wouldn't feel comfotable not honoring.)  

[TeaDidikai]

Nines19

Probably my false past impression that my understanding (however limited) of LaVeyan Satanism was the be-all of LHP.

Any chance it's compounded by Fluffy Paganism that defines anything "selfish" as "evil"?

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This might not be totally correct, but when I use the term "YHWH," in my eyes I'm referring to the Trinitarian God as a whole, which would include Yeshua.

I often use it that way myself. But in a case such as this, I think it's reasonable to divorce the two for the sake of clear communication, using Yeshua as "the Son" and YHVH as "The Father".

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I think it's based on a few factors. One of them being that my husband is Catholic, and I think part of me wants to be on a similar level with him spiritually. This kind of loaned the idea of YHWH to me "lacking" a deity "of my own," and I think I've also been influenced by a sort of realization that He isn't all "fire and brimstone" and the sort of really negative thinking about Him that I'd picked up in the last few years.

Marcionism is one of the classic Christian heresies (along with Gnosticism) that addresses a schism between the YHVH of the OT and the Loving deity of the NT.

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It's almost like, I've spent so much time defending Christianity from angstheists that it started to sink in a little, heh.

Do you feel that you were moved by the Holy Spirit?

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Another thing that might play a part is the nature of YHWH Himself. I'm not totally comfortable with the idea of Divine Feminine or (to be honest) female power in general. This is something that's been at me for a long time, and I'm starting to get over it a little but at the same time, a solitary male divine is still very appealing spiritually. I can focus on becoming okay with the female aspect in my physical life and still have that masculine connection spiritually. (I know there are lots of other male gods out there, who may or may not have female "aspects" or "consorts," but many pantheons, and more specifically the ones I actually know of, have a sort of familial structure that I wouldn't feel comfotable not honoring.)

An interesting note, one that I'm afraid must remain as a nothing but a baseless claim since my Rabbi friend who informed me of it is no longer with us, but he mentioned that there are elements of Jewish Mysticism that express that men and women function on a... "scale".

Supposedly the sex and gender of a person contain certain spiritual characteristics unto themselves wherein there is a deeper need for men to partake in spiritual services in order to draw their more corporeal nature towards the divine while grounding the woman's more spiritual nature.

He cited it as one of the reason there aren't any Orthodox Women Kabalists.

That said, the roots of Christendom have it's fair share of divine feminine too. ninja  

[Nines19]

TeaDidikai

Nines19

Probably my false past impression that my understanding (however limited) of LaVeyan Satanism was the be-all of LHP.

Any chance it's compounded by Fluffy Paganism that defines anything "selfish" as "evil"?

I'm inclined to say no, since even when I was a fluffy that was never a belief I held and I usually reserve the word "evil" for "really-times-ten-to-the-twentieth-power bad" stuff, though I wouldn't rule it out completely as a possibility.

TeaDidikai

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This might not be totally correct, but when I use the term "YHWH," in my eyes I'm referring to the Trinitarian God as a whole, which would include Yeshua.

I often use it that way myself. But in a case such as this, I think it's reasonable to divorce the two for the sake of clear communication, using Yeshua as "the Son" and YHVH as "The Father".

I'm curious as to why you think so.

TeaDidikai

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I think it's based on a few factors. One of them being that my husband is Catholic, and I think part of me wants to be on a similar level with him spiritually. This kind of loaned the idea of YHWH to me "lacking" a deity "of my own," and I think I've also been influenced by a sort of realization that He isn't all "fire and brimstone" and the sort of really negative thinking about Him that I'd picked up in the last few years.

Marcionism is one of the classic Christian heresies (along with Gnosticism) that addresses a schism between the YHVH of the OT and the Loving deity of the NT.

I'm not sure exactly what that means in my context.

TeaDidikai

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It's almost like, I've spent so much time defending Christianity from angstheists that it started to sink in a little, heh.

Do you feel that you were moved by the Holy Spirit?

That's the thing; I'm not sure. I feel like something either happened or is happening, but I'm not sure what it is.

TeaDidikai

An interesting note, one that I'm afraid must remain as a nothing but a baseless claim since my Rabbi friend who informed me of it is no longer with us, but he mentioned that there are elements of Jewish Mysticism that express that men and women function on a... "scale".

Supposedly the sex and gender of a person contain certain spiritual characteristics unto themselves wherein there is a deeper need for men to partake in spiritual services in order to draw their more corporeal nature towards the divine while grounding the woman's more spiritual nature.

He cited it as one of the reason there aren't any Orthodox Women Kabalists.

So, women are sort of naturally more attuned to God, and men have to work at it?

TeaDidikai

That said, the roots of Christendom have it's fair share of divine feminine too. ninja

I may possibly remember reading/hearing somewhere that some consider the Holy Spirit to be a feminine(ish) entity. Any merit to that or is my brain making things up?