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 Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 4:25 pm
I have never like my husbands friend (insert name here) from college (they attended high school together and she ignored him then). He took her out a couple of times and pined for her when she dated guy after guy, using him as a crutch to call and cry with when the other guy left her. Eventually she settled on a mutual friend of mine, causing a major rift because she claimed that I had too much in common with him and that I'd be better with him and not my husband. (Please note that none of us were married at the time).
My husband and I had trouble and she convinced him to leave me for a friend of hers. Who cheated on him, nearly got him fired and left him when he wouldn't pay for her and everything she wanted or needed. Needless to say his friend told me to leave him alone even thought he wanted me back (he had no idea I had called her to ask her advice about calling him). She was in the process of setting him up with another friend of hers. I ignored her advice and took him out. We've been inseparable ever since. This of course did not go over well with her. She'd call him several times a day, text, email and chat on messenger.
I didn't have a problem with it until I found out that she was sending him stories in which she was carrying out sexual encounters with him. And he was reciprocating. In fact she even sent him letters in which she was clearly advising him to cheat on me with a friend of his. She had convinced him that a crush of mine was grounds for him to not only cheat if he could because if I was looking and liking then I was cheating too. He finally caved and cheated on me. He lost his job because the girl he slept with was an employee of his.
She blamed me. I told my husband I'd had enough. He had to let her know that her behavior was unacceptable. We were engaged by then and I really needed to know that he had my back.
Not too long after that I got pregnant and then the calls started. He'd hang up on me to talk to her. So I got curious. One day I noticed that she had sent him a letter (he had left his email up and being a nosy woman that I am I looked). She told him flat out that since I worked with the guy I had crushed on that I may have gotten pregnant by him and lied to keep my husband. No way in H3ll.
I nearly left my husband (we had gotten married by then). He convinced himself that the doubts about our child were planted by her, and that he can really live without her drama. But here's the thing, he still talks with friends of hers, checks her myspace page and talks about her.....although things with her and her husband are not stable....he's in the Coast Guard and she's at home 24/7 with a new baby. He feels compelled to talk to her. What do I do?
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Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 6:35 pm
Drop his a** and find some strength. You knew things were screwed up and then you married him.
I say this with the utmost caring. I've been in an eerily similar situation - except I stayed with my husband because I was pregnant. I thought I was doing good for my daughter. Absolute crap.
You and your child deserve better. While he feels compelled to talk to her nothing will change and you shouldn't have to wait around for him to change.
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Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 10:53 pm
I'd be inclined to give him notice (in no uncertain terms) that he needs to stop playing these games. Then, if he doesn't comply, leave him.
Your child doesn't deserve to be stuck in the middle of this situation - Some people favour staying together no matter what "for the child's benefit," but while children do statistically do better with both parents, in reality, if there is stress and strife occurring between mom and dad, that will have a strong negative effect on the child.
Your husband needs to understand that continuing to associate with this toxic woman will damage his relationship with you and the happiness and wellbeing of your child. If he won't respect this fact and cut her out of his life, you need to do what is best for you and leave him. She's already proven herself to be a busybody who cares nothing for what is right for your marriage - she's had her second chance.
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Posted: Fri Mar 06, 2009 4:37 pm
This probably isn't what you want to hear, but having a crush on someone is still cheating in a sense. Even if you don't do anything physically, you are cheating mentally and emotionally. If you just think the guy is good looking, then that's different, but to "crush" implies that you have at least fantasized about being with him.
As for the situation, it seems everyone in it has trouble with commitment. The blame can be distributed to your husband and the female friend of his... as well as you. This female friend seems to be taking advantage of an already seeded distrust to incite further drama... she didn't need to plant anything, just nurture it. She is probably a woman who enjoys causing drama to those around her and herself. Some proof of this is her setting your husband up with women that he is incompatible with. She's clearly not in it for the happiness of anyone.
You already seeded some distrust by having a "crush" on someone else despite being in a relationship {and there may even be more to this than you are letting on or realize}. Your husband, instead of being an adult and talking it out with you decided to turn elsewhere for support {the female friend}, and she led him astray to satisfy her desire for drama.
Honestly, I think it's hard to give advice when there's three people that all have separate issues that need resolving before everything will be "better". Even if you managed to get your husband to sever his ties with the female friend, the distrust you planted with your "crush" could possibly still linger and your husband would then be acting on his own instead of with the advice of someone else.... which won't necessarily be better in the end.
Once doubt has set in, it's incredibly hard to get rid of, especially if the circumstances surrounding the doubt remain unchanged.
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Posted: Fri Mar 06, 2009 5:05 pm
Daffodil the Destroyer
I'd be inclined to give him notice (in no uncertain terms) that he needs to stop playing these games. Then, if he doesn't comply, leave him.
Your child doesn't deserve to be stuck in the middle of this situation - Some people favour staying together no matter what "for the child's benefit," but while children do statistically do better with both parents, in reality, if there is stress and strife occurring between mom and dad, that will have a strong negative effect on the child.
Your husband needs to understand that continuing to associate with this toxic woman will damage his relationship with you and the happiness and wellbeing of your child. If he won't respect this fact and cut her out of his life, you need to do what is best for you and leave him. She's already proven herself to be a busybody who cares nothing for what is right for your marriage - she's had her second chance.
I agree completely with you; kids don't need to grow up hearing distrust and bitterness between two people who are supposed to love each other.
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Posted: Sat Mar 07, 2009 6:38 am
There's some great advice here. I will duplicate it. You need to do better for your child and yourself. Tell your husband that you are done with his games, it's you or her and stick to it!
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Posted: Sat Mar 07, 2009 5:48 pm
You need to walk away from this "marriage." He obviously is still dependent on this other woman's acceptance. He allows her to control his actions and thoughts about you. This is not a healthy situation for you to be in. I'm not sure why you even married this guy in the first place. He was definitely no real catch. To settle for a chronic cheater who is led by his nose (or other part of his anatomy) by another woman is a waste of time. Along with the fact that you are selling yourself very short.
Trust me, you can do better. There are better men out there who will want YOU and not be hung up on some other woman who seems to take pleasure in knowing she can control him. This woman is thoroughly enjoying the power she has and has never cared how it affects others. I mean come on, she tells him to cheat on you and he does? I hope you haven't been hanging in there for the fear of being alone or the fear that you won't find someone else, or that you don't deserve better.
HE's the one who's not worth crap. It's time to scrape the shyte from your shoe and move on.
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 9:19 am
I'll have to make this one short because I've got work soon, but thank you all for your comments.
I have taken a new job, so my "crush" and I no longer see each other anymore. It's just not possible, and truthfully since my husband and I got married there has been no contact with the other guy for a few years.
My husband hasn't spoken to the other girl since April or May of 2008 and although he claims it's because he wants to stay out of the drama he's still unsure if he should continue. She lives in Washington and we're in Michigan. And she's just had a baby. I tried to tell him that she's even more bored and probably seeking more drama, and that he should leave her alone. And yeah, she just tried to add him on her myspace page within the last couple of days. He promptly deleted the request and blocked her.
I still get a sense that he misses her. I guess he's staying out of things, but I kinda feel guilty that it has to be this way.
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 4:34 pm
Madame de Versailles I'll have to make this one short because I've got work soon, but thank you all for your comments. I have taken a new job, so my "crush" and I no longer see each other anymore. It's just not possible, and truthfully since my husband and I got married there has been no contact with the other guy for a few years. My husband hasn't spoken to the other girl since April or May of 2008 and although he claims it's because he wants to stay out of the drama he's still unsure if he should continue. She lives in Washington and we're in Michigan. And she's just had a baby. I tried to tell him that she's even more bored and probably seeking more drama, and that he should leave her alone. And yeah, she just tried to add him on her myspace page within the last couple of days. He promptly deleted the request and blocked her. I still get a sense that he misses her. I guess he's staying out of things, but I kinda feel guilty that it has to be this way. Why feel guilty? To cut someone completely off is painful and it certainly must "be this way" for it to work. Then again, I'm kinda guilty of the same crime; both my exes and I are reconciled and still friends. It's hard to let go of someone you wanted/loved/lusted for but it can be done.
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Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 8:33 am
I had a real hard time letting go of my home town extremely bad for me friends. I thought that I needed them and felt wrong about cutting contact with these people that I grew up with yet who never treated me quite right. It has been a couple of months since I made the decision to be married to my husband and not my past and I tell you I feel real happiness for the first time in my life.
What I'm getting at is, don't feel guilty about a decision that your husband has made. It is a more healthy situation for you, for him and your child now. Maybe after awhile he too will find that he enjoys time with you and his real family more than he realized he would, without this meddling woman. She may have been a dependency that he had, and like any dependency it takes time before you are independent from it.
I rid myself of any means that people who were drama could contact me and then hand picked who would remain in my life. I'd encourage you to support him if he is deciding to do the same. ^_^
Good luck!
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Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 4:46 pm
I think that what I've seen has been good advice for the most part; however, I'm not sure than any of us here are professional marriage counsler's. It sounds to me like you are in the midst on an honest problem that could create havoc on your marriage and I believe that that the best thing for y'all to do would be to find a counsler you both trust and discuss your problems there.
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Posted: Thu Mar 26, 2009 1:29 am
This is a serious problem that has an eye opening solution.
First off, I'm betting that your husband is not feeling accepted. We men are fiercely loyal creatures who revel in being accepted for the way we are. We spend most of our lives before meeting our significant others proving to ourselves and the rest of the world just how great we are. When we find that our significant others are thinking about and fantasizing over another guy, we feel unworthy. Now, some of us withdraw, crawling into our caves and fume with resentment. Some seek out people that do seem to accept us and venerate us, such as your husbands friend.
What I'm getting at is, if you want your husbands undivided love and attention, you have to give the same. We don't want to have to compete all the time for something we feel that we have earned.
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