Welcome to Gaia! ::

Reply creative forum (pictures u drawn, stories, anything, even comics/mangas)
Sumtin Random

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

good?
  yes
  no
View Results


Edcy

Vice Captain

Liberal Prophet

14,200 Points
  • Risky Lifestyle 100
  • Ultimate Player 200
  • Hygienic 200
PostPosted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 5:35 pm


ok... So I need feedback on this:

Quote:
He stood by the altar, not sure how to proceed, he was here almost every night, but there was something strange, almost wrong with this night. There was no place like this; Charles knew that. He knew the inner peace, he felt the pull of it there, and wherever he went. He walked up to the podium, and turned to face the empty benches, Charles smiled, and took a deep breath. He started; something had made a loud noise. He turned quickly to the left entrance, from where the sound had come. The doors busted open, Charles was confused; certainly this was odd.

“What are you staring at priest? Get me some water!” it was a woman; she wore skin tight clothes, her pants were leather, and her whole stomach showed, certainly these were not appropriate clothes for church; her makeup was dark, and she was sweating even though the night was chilly, her boots would have tracked mud if she hadn’t stopped to clean them off before entering. She was slim, and her blonde hair was long and wavy.
“What do you mean child?” Charles asked innocently as the she made her way to where he stood.
“Don’t play dumb!” she was up in his face, “I. Need. Holy. Water. Now!” she never broke eye contact; her skin was pale and Charles could see that she carried a strange weapon, and a dagger of sorts.
“well, I see you’re in a hurry, there’s some under the floorboards, in that small closet, do you need me to bless you too?” Charles signaled to the closet.
“No thanks, priest.” She answered rudely and pushed him out the way as she sprang to the closet.
“As you wish it child” as soon as her back was turned, Charles blessed her anyways.

She burst out of the closet after getting what she needed, the priest was still there, Andréa gave him a small nod, running out of the church like a bat out of hell.

Soon she was on the streets again, chasing shadows down dark sidewalks and up dirty alleys. Nothing mattered anymore, it was during these times that she felt that she had purpose again, if she had ever had any.

Are you watching Sal? I’m gonna catch him, all by myself! Andréa almost smiled at the thought. She turned a corner, she never lost her breath or her footing, like she used to; it was all part of her now. She ran after it without knowing here she was going, the lights from the streets died down here, there were less and less until there were none left at all, it smelled like garbage and urine, it was colder, so she knew he was closer now; but she kept running, and then abruptly came to a stop.
There was no exit, no light. There was however, a pretty nasty, angry demon at the end, just waiting to skin her alive, eat her insides, suck her soul; or something along those lines.

She stepped forward, carefully, calculating; the beast heaved up and down rhythmically, softly. It’s skin was not like skin at all, she had once touched one of these, and Andréa knew that that which appeared to be skin was in fact a slimy, smelly, sticky goo that burned when it came in contact with other’s skin, often leaving black spots behind that would last for days. It’s features where like a mixture of a bird’s and a lizard’s; the difference was that this creature stood on it’s hind legs, towering at almost six feet, there was something feline-like to it’s body. The creature tried to open its eyes beyond the icky goo that trickled over its eyelids, revealing empty sockets, that reflected and showed nothing.

Andréa circled it stealthily, knowing well when and how she would attack. She took out her recently blessed sword, and she swung it around expertly, but something was wrong about this sitting duck, it was just going to be to easy. Andréa took a step forward.

She felt the chills run down her spine and make the hair on her arms stand on end, she heard the impact of two other demons hitting the ground behind her, hissing and grunting like they should. Andréa spun around in surprise. It was three against one now, Andréa couldn’t afford to lose now, and she still had too much to do. The demon behind her struck first. It launched itself at her, and she swiftly dogged it, but she was not fast enough, and a second demon dug its claws deep into her left shoulder. Andréa took advantage of the closeness and drove her blade deep into the demon’s gut. The monster shook violently, and the gooey skin began to melt away, the other two hesitated for an instant and gave a step back, but the poison that the clawing had left was spreading fast, and Andréa began to feel woozy; she staggered. The second demon came in for the kill, opening its mouth-beak wide showing a frenzied disarray of ugly razor sharp teeth. The other demon tackled Andréa from the side then, making her hit a wall and land on a pile of old metal cans. The demon came in for the final blow, but Andréa was to confused and weak from the impact and poison, her eyes felt heavy and her mouth was dry, she knew she was bleeding, but she didn’t know how or why anymore, thing were hazy in her mind… if only Salvador was still here… then maybe… but the thoughts were lost in a sea of incoherence, and soon all that was left was the darkness.


Charlie had arrived with perfect timing; he had followed after the girl as soon as she was out of sight. The girl lay unconscious on the floor, and the demons were distracted by this factor, he took advantage of the situation and snuck up behind the beasts. Charlie approached them quickly and quietly, but one of the two monsters turned and lunged forward, Charlie put his hand out and touched the demon’s slimy skin, and in that instant, it disintegrated into nothing, the last one was greedy though, and instead of running off, came forward, stealthily, and opened its mouth-beak wide, bearing its razor sharp teeth. It hissed loudly at Charles, and lunged forward.
“oh, please, give me break” Charles rolled his eyes and put out his hands to touch it. And the demon was gone before it made contact. “Now that that’s done with” Charles turned to leave, but then he smelled it. He ran to the girl, afraid that it might be to late; she groaned when he turned her; and he sighed in relief, he took his short sleeved t-shirt off to press to the wound, if she had kept losing blood, she’d be dead in less than two hours. Charles thought darkly as he made his way back to his church and his house, the girl in his arms.


There, critizise, shoud i continue? are the "Action-y" parts any good? how bout the characters?
PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 4:12 pm


the action is great, i loved it, it was like i was seeing it in my head while reading it, poor girl, whatever happened to salvador o.O crying

lil_qt_cat1
Captain


AeternalSnow

Sparkly Fairy

10,000 Points
  • Hive Mind 200
  • Nudist Colony 200
  • Sausage Fest 200
PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 9:21 am


cool
PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 9:58 am


I liked it! very detailed! If you're writing a novel I wish you the best of it I'd personally want o read more of it!! 3nodding 4laugh

pSyChO aPpLe


Ky Kwaii 1

2,300 Points
  • Hygienic 200
  • Person of Interest 200
  • Autobiographer 200
PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 4:32 am


This was great!! The action parts were awesome! I defenitly would like to read more of this story.
Reply
creative forum (pictures u drawn, stories, anything, even comics/mangas)

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum