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| Like a Joke thread? |
| It's been done before |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Great Idea |
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23% |
[ 6 ] |
| Love to share jokes |
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23% |
[ 6 ] |
| Love to read jokes |
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30% |
[ 8 ] |
| Hate jokes |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Gooooooooold!!! |
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23% |
[ 6 ] |
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| Total Votes : 26 |
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 Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 2:53 pm
Flowers ~ £20
Dinner + a movie ~ £70
Hotel room afterwards ~ £200
Look on his face when you tell him it's the wrong time of the month ~ PRICELESS!!
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Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 5:48 pm
We have a funny pictures thread, why not a jokes thread?
Oh, yeah... a joke... ah... crud.
I don't really know all that many jokes which wouldn't sort of break the clean-content requirements of this site.
I can tell you my wife's favorite joke:
What's brown and sticky and floats?
A stick.
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Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 11:08 pm
Hanamura-sensei Look on his face when you tell him it's the wrong time of the month ~ PRICELESS!! ouch!
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Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 1:12 pm
Ohhh goodie, glad you like it ^_^
Ok, next one
Quote: What's worse then a bull in a china shop? A hedgehog in a condom factory!!
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Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 3:33 pm
Driving conditions are awful and I've just come off the road and hit my ex!!
It took me ten minutes, over two fields and a golf course, but I got the git!!
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Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 4:03 pm
Toilet Paper Trick
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your a**, didn't it?”
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Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 8:05 pm
I got this one from Edgar Wind's "Pagan Mysteries of the Renaissance"
(a laugh riot.)
In the days of ancient Greece, a man become convinced that his own shadow was trying to kill him.
As he became more and more distraught, his friends decided to intervene. They took him (and his shadow, of course) to the oracle at Delphi and explained the problem.
The oracle breathed in the heady fumes of inspiration and turned to the man who feared his own shadow.
"What shall I do?" he cried, "Even now, even here in this cavern, my accursed shadow is forming behind me! How can I escape it?"
"Study clarity," was all she said.
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Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 2:56 pm
Diagnosis....
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 2:57 pm
Good doggie...
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
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Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 3:01 pm
Nice pigs sir...
A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.
The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."
Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."
The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."
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Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 1:43 pm
Man hire chinese P.I. Chen Lee to watch his wife.
A few days later he gets this report:
'Most hon Sir.
I watch house.
You leave house.
He came to house.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get hotel.
I climb tree and look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip.
She strip.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out of tree.
I not see.
No fee.'
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Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 1:46 pm
Two old ladies sitting in a cafe, Ethel says to Doris: "Did you come on the bus?"
Doris replies: "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack!"
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Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 5:40 pm
Fine. You wanna tell dirty jokes? Here's one I saw Terry Pratchett telling on youtube:
Man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm.
He sits on the table and declares loudly, "I'll bet none of you have the guts to do this!"
He takes out his... uh... manly bits and plops them... his er... wedding tackle right into the alligator's mouth.
Then the guy slams his hand down on the alligator's head with all his might.
"Right!" he declares proudly, "Who ELSE has the guts to try THAT!"
No one says anything until an old lady stands up in the back of the bar and says "All right, I'll try, but you must promise not to hit me on the top of the head quite so hard."
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Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 5:32 pm
Roflmao..that was a good one.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church and sits in the confessional, but says nothing.
The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but still nothing.
The priest then pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles 'ain't no use knocking, there's no fu***ng paper on this side either!'
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Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 3:27 am
Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker...
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