Sin

[Aesi]

Hello again, everyone.

I'm going to try making this more coherent than my usual writing.Try.

I have said before I consider myself the mystical type. I am still much more accustomed to my moral battles taking place in my head. And I have always lacked the will to exercise my convictions.

Please do not debate what I am about to say: I have taken a course which led to being the worst kind of sinner I can imagine. Please, please, don't argue concepts of sin here. If you can see my signature, that's enough to understand my meaning.

I don't really even know what I'm asking for by writing this. Drawing attention to myself obviously conflicts with what I wrote in my Journal earlier, but, like I said there, I'm not looking for comfort or sympathy or any such thing. I guess... I'm troubled by the cost of things. I am terribly disturbed because I'm aware that I have not paid any price at all for whatever gains I've made on life. Family and a ridiculously huge amount of good fortune have been my wings and my shield. Everything around me is the result of other people's sacrifices, and that's how it's always been.

As a child, I was completely ignorant. I know why I remember so little of my childhood. No one can remember the things they never thought about. I was sheltered and given far more attention by my parents than my brother ever was. I didn't make any effort at anything. I stole and couldn't explain what motivated me to do so. I lied to avoid immediate repercussion. I was constantly failing in school, because I didn't bother to pay attention. My family made the sacrifices to protect me. They paid the doctors who made excuses for my behavior and medicated me, they paid because they always hoped something would work. They fought with me constantly as they tried to instill a moral character in me, failing year after year. Oh, god, all my sins... All the sacrificial trials I put to anyone who was close to me, simply by being so thoughtless. And it was so long. Twenty-seven years and I still can't do anything for myself, though I've learned to be grateful for what I've been given.

And then, a month ago, the most terrible, because I was conscious and still allowed it to happen. Those who do read my latest journal post will undoubtedly find it odd, think I am talking about a lover, maybe. She's a cat. Dear to me, Melody, beautiful and affectionate. And a creature that relied on me completely. The promise I made to her... I must take a breath here. I knew her mother and her mother's owner was the "lady" of the household I lived in for three years. That was where the decaying tyrant, her fiancee's father lived. It was his place, actually. And it was a sty. Ostensibly, I'd moved in to clean out the place. But as he never let me throw any of the stifling junk out, I was powerless. When the lady moved in and brought her two infant sons with her, it became my job to tend them. She also brought her cat, Yasmin. Well, the majority of her friends were homeless and a lot of them had cats who came to visit along with their owners. Yasmin had her first and only litter on February 14th, 2005. Of four kittens, only Melody and Teddy survived birth. Yasmin was always more interested in Melody than Teddy, and we later learned Teddy had a birth defect in his stomach, so that's probably why. Ignorant and sheltered I may be, but not blind. I'd long ago realized what I'd done to my brother by always diverting our parents' attention away from him. I felt bad for Teddy, but fate gave Melody to me, instead. The lady's friend who owned the kittens' sire, she took Melody and Teddy for a while after they were weaned. Yasmin pined for Melody, though, so after about three months, the friend gave her back. And my little Melody went ignored. If not for me, no one would have fed her or changed her litter. It took a while (she was very cold and defensive toward people when she returned), but she became attached to me. She always slept with me and shadowed me when I was awake. And she was so cute! She slept in positions that were almost human, had such soft fur and pretty rounded paws, her mother's most pronounced facial markings that were like the protection rune. When she laid as her side, she became amazingly flat, even for a kitten. And, many times, it seemed like she could teleport. Tiny little fluff that was in the room in one corner of your eye, then across to the other side, then back to her original spot before you could be quite sure how she'd moved. And she only loved me. Yes, she was very dear to me, too. Then her mother became ill. She developed conjunctivitis. It must have been so painful for her, her dry eyes that never felt a tear. The lady was given eyedrops for her. What an ordeal it was to administer them! Two people had to hold her still-clawed paws, while a third put the drops in. And then, one day, there weren't any drops left. The lady and the men of the house seemed not to care. The tyrant went on eating more than the other three adult members of the household combined and he, his son, and the lady kept splitting a case of cigarettes between them every day. No interest in the one who needed them so badly. I, well, had no money and no means to earn any, since I had to stop giving plasma. I actually asked for a bottle of the drops for Christmas that year, when I saw it was getting worse. And I was too late. Yasmin would not stop clawing at her eyes. Even the moisture her blood put in her eyes was better than none at that point, I suppose. But her wounds were always open, exposed to the filthy atmosphere of that house. They became infected with mange. By Christmas, Yasmin had gone mad from it, had become hostile and reclusive. The lady, no, Ruby came home from a visit to her mother's the day after Christmas. She brought a puppy with her and ended Yasmin's agony by catching her, putting her in a large plastic storage tub, and breaking her neck. Ruby didn't even wince. I swore then that at least one of Yasmin's offspring would never know that kind of life again, would always be protected and loved. I finally found a job in May and by July, had enough to get my apartment. And I took Melody with me over Ruby's protests and complaints. Ruby..... The woman now had five large-breed puppies, and some twenty rats. I wouldn't leave Melody there, where she'd be lost in the masses again. Guilty as I am, I still don't regret that decision.

Guilty, yes. It is bad that I have broken the one sincere promise I ever made, but far worse is how I broke it! I abandoned my beloved friend, because I shied away from the responsibility to return the love and protection I'd been given, as if I were the same heartless child I was once. Melody, who always came close to comfort me when I despaired.

My sins. Never paid down by me. I am monstrously guilty, but I have never been the one to suffer for it. I've developed a personal ethic, I am driven to make good, but I still lack the will. And I still realize, even if I succeed, if I manage to create a work that inspires for a thousand years, it won't be enough if I've never stood on my own to reach that aspiration.

I am terrified by what I owe to others, but more so that I have crippled myself, become unable to ever live without being carried by the efforts of others.

I consider myself a mystic of sorts and morality is the focus of all my useless philosophies. I wear the banner of judgment, not because I think I have any right to judge others, and I avoid doing so in all cases but those few times when someone absolutely rejects a morality founded on love, but because I know the many sides so well. It sounds pretentious to talk about love now, but how can I not love? And how can I not turn away from all who do not live according to moral love, including myself?

-sigh- This has gone the wrong direction... I didn't intend to start on about judgment, but maybe that's where this is supposed to go. Yes. I feel like I have not been judged. I am expecting hell to fall upon me, but it hasn't. It's a feeling like being bound and unaware of anything but what I am tied to. I abandoned Melody and nothing happened. I am safe, attending to my life as I rely on my family yet again. And the greater my fortune, the more clearly I can see the ropes, thrown to save me and become the weight on me, more and more with every movement of my life.

I'm still not sure what it is I'm asking for. I am, asking. Hmm, for the reason why, I suppose. Why hasn't my judgment come?  

[TeaDidikai]

Could be because you didn't do anything wrong from an objective moral stand point.

The cat in question found it's means to survival. You did the same.  

[Aesi]

TeaDidikai

Could be because you didn't do anything wrong from an objective moral stand point.

The cat in question found it's means to survival. You did the same.

You and I, Tea, expect very different things from what we consider moral. Aside from that, Melody primarily fits into this by being the most recent of the ones I've hurt. Coincidentally, when I lived in that household, I used to think of my newly developing ambitions, thought of the responsibilities I'd taken on there, and wondered if would ever betray that family for my ambitions. I should have paid more attention to exactly the opposite, the lack of will that prevented me from acting to save Melody when I still could have.  

[TeaDidikai]

Melody took to you because you fed her and took care of her.

You take to your family because they do the same for you.  

[Aesi]

TeaDidikai

Melody took to you because you fed her and took care of her.

You take to your family because they do the same for you.

True. But how terrible it is not to take responsibility for the care of those who care for us. Loyalty, love, and gratitude are important. And you may not agree, but they arise from the needs of survival. Reciprocation strengthens the bonds.  

[Deoridhe]

Aesi

Reciprocation strengthens the bonds.

And lack of reciprocation weakens them. *shrugs* nothing particularly moral or ethical about it.  

[Aesi]

Deoridhe

Aesi

Reciprocation strengthens the bonds.

And lack of reciprocation weakens them. *shrugs* nothing particularly moral or ethical about it.

It hurts. For my parents, it was to not even see progress in the one whose welfare they worked so hard for. For Melody, it was being abandoned by the only human she trusted. The pain it causes makes it a moral issue.  

[patch99329]

Not to be rude, I'm sorry for your loss.

But what do you wat us to say? I'm not clear on the question. neutral  

[Maze]

Aesi

Deoridhe

Aesi

Reciprocation strengthens the bonds.

And lack of reciprocation weakens them. *shrugs* nothing particularly moral or ethical about it.

It hurts. For my parents, it was to not even see progress in the one whose welfare they worked so hard for. For Melody, it was being abandoned by the only human she trusted. The pain it causes makes it a moral issue.

The pain it causes, or the pain it causes you?  

[TeaDidikai]

Aesi

True. But how terrible it is not to take responsibility for the care of those who care for us.

That completely depends on the other qualifiers. If people take care of you in expectation of return and you do not agree to those terms- then so be it.

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Loyalty, love, and gratitude are important.

None of which a cat feels.

If you had stopped- the cat might have wondered why, but if it had found another provider you would have been old news.

Instincts. Not higher thinking.

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And you may not agree, but they arise from the needs of survival.

And within humans they have grown into complex social systems. Within housecats- side from people's tendency to try and humanize their pets- they have not.  

[Neko_Bast]

TeaDidikai

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Loyalty, love, and gratitude are important.

None of which a cat feels.

If you had stopped- the cat might have wondered why, but if it had found another provider you would have been old news.

Instincts. Not higher thinking.

I have to dissagree about cats not feeling love, loyatly, or gratitude. As someone who has always owned cats I know they can feel these things. In a house with maltipaul people in it and the same number of cats, the cats will each tend to pick one person to be "theirs." That persone will get thier 'love, loyalty and gratitude" even if all the people are putting in the same amout of effert to take care of all of the cats. Most house cats retane kittenish personalities, those that don't tend to become the distent ones that arn't really attached to any one person.

Still cats memories are not that good after a couple of months. so if after that time thier old person is gone they will chose a new person to be "thiers."

An example would be that my sister brought home a kitten a few month ago. She was the one taking care of him, feeding, playing, ect... But he still decided that he wanted me to be his person insted of her. sweatdrop I didn't pay any more attention to him than I did any of the other cats. (there are 10 in and around my house that "belong" to us, but only 6 come inside)

I do agree that they run on instinct, but we really don't know how much "higher thinking" they have. I know they don't think like people, but I do know they feel emotions (just not the same way people do). I've seen cats be sad, happy, jelous, angry, ect.  

[TeaDidikai]

Neko_Bast

I have to dissagree about cats not feeling love, loyatly, or gratitude. As someone who has always owned cats I know they can feel these things.

As someone who has always owned cats and understands the basic functions of the brain- I disagree.

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In a house with maltipaul people in it and the same number of cats, the cats will each tend to pick one person to be "theirs." That persone will get thier 'love, loyalty and gratitude" even if all the people are putting in the same amout of effert to take care of all of the cats.

Which has to do with how the cat is trained to address the person who offers the best chance of survival- not love. Remember- just because you think and feel as a human does not mean your pets do.

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Most house cats retane kittenish personalities, those that don't tend to become the distent ones that arn't really attached to any one person.

Support for this assertion?

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Still cats memories are not that good after a couple of months. so if after that time thier old person is gone they will chose a new person to be "thiers."

You mean- rather than being loyal and wait?

Survival- not loyalty.

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An example would be that my sister brought home a kitten a few month ago. She was the one taking care of him, feeding, playing, ect... But he still decided that he wanted me to be his person insted of her. sweatdrop I didn't pay any more attention to him than I did any of the other cats. (there are 10 in and around my house that "belong" to us, but only 6 come inside)

None of which addresses her behavior and the roles within the family unit.

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I do agree that they run on instinct, but we really don't know how much "higher thinking" they have.

CAT Scans (no pun intended) disagree with you.

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I know they don't think like people, but I do know they feel emotions (just not the same way people do). I've seen cats be sad, happy, jelous, angry, ect.

Personification doesn't change their nature no matter how much humans find it a useful tool for their own psychologies.  

[Neko_Bast]

TeaDidikai

Neko_Bast

I have to dissagree about cats not feeling love, loyatly, or gratitude. As someone who has always owned cats I know they can feel these things.

As someone who has always owned cats and understands the basic functions of the brain- I disagree.

We could agree to dissagree ^-^

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In a house with maltipaul people in it and the same number of cats, the cats will each tend to pick one person to be "theirs." That persone will get thier 'love, loyalty and gratitude" even if all the people are putting in the same amout of effert to take care of all of the cats.

Which has to do with how the cat is trained to address the person who offers the best chance of survival- not love. Remember- just because you think and feel as a human does not mean your pets do.

I already stated that I know they don't think and feel like humans. If it was just about survival, they would all pick the same person as that person would be thier best chance.

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Most house cats retane kittenish personalities, those that don't tend to become the distent ones that arn't really attached to any one person.

Support for this assertion?

I don't really have any scentific support for this. All I have is my personal experence. After 20 years of having cats, I have found that those that don't pick someone as "thiers" tend to grow distent as they get older. They still like to get pet, and they might play with you but not as much as the others. They are also more likely to leave and find a new home.

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Still cats memories are not that good after a couple of months. so if after that time thier old person is gone they will chose a new person to be "thiers."

You mean- rather than being loyal and wait?

Survival- not loyalty.

How can you be loyal to someone that left you?

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An example would be that my sister brought home a kitten a few month ago. She was the one taking care of him, feeding, playing, ect... But he still decided that he wanted me to be his person insted of her. sweatdrop I didn't pay any more attention to him than I did any of the other cats. (there are 10 in and around my house that "belong" to us, but only 6 come inside)

None of which addresses her behavior and the roles within the family unit.

I don't understand what you mean.

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I do agree that they run on instinct, but we really don't know how much "higher thinking" they have.

CAT Scans (no pun intended) disagree with you.

Since I don't really know what CAT scans do, I won't argue

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I know they don't think like people, but I do know they feel emotions (just not the same way people do). I've seen cats be sad, happy, jelous, angry, ect.

Personification doesn't change their nature no matter how much humans find it a useful tool for their own psychologies.

very true. I'm constitly telling my fiance that his cat dosn't think like a human, and she dosn't things for the same reasons a people. (like knock his brackables over because she is mad, If she was mad at him she would be trying to eat his leg. She can be quite evil. She used to attack me. ^-^)  

[Autumnal Light]

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In a house with maltipaul people in it and the same number of cats, the cats will each tend to pick one person to be "theirs." That persone will get thier 'love, loyalty and gratitude" even if all the people are putting in the same amout of effert to take care of all of the cats.

Which has to do with how the cat is trained to address the person who offers the best chance of survival- not love. Remember- just because you think and feel as a human does not mean your pets do.

I already stated that I know they don't think and feel like humans. If it was just about survival, they would all pick the same person as that person would be thier best chance.

This would be true except for the fact that it doesn't take competition into account. With the exception of lions, cats are solitary predators who must stake out their territories to survive. Having too many mountain lions, for instance, in a single area would deplete the food source. The individual mountain lions will compete for the best food-producing territories and ward off intruders (usually through scent markers).

House cats have scent glands under their chins and on their heads. When they rub up against their 'special person' they're not just showing affection, they're marking their territory. This would be especially important in a multiple cat household. I would hypothesize that the reason cats that don't have a 'special person' become distant is because they want to avoid violating another feline's "territory" and encurring their animousity.

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I know they don't think like people, but I do know they feel emotions (just not the same way people do). I've seen cats be sad, happy, jelous, angry, ect.

Personification doesn't change their nature no matter how much humans find it a useful tool for their own psychologies.

very true. I'm constitly telling my fiance that his cat dosn't think like a human, and she dosn't things for the same reasons a people. (like knock his brackables over because she is mad, If she was mad at him she would be trying to eat his leg. She can be quite evil. She used to attack me. ^-^)

I'm willing to bet that most of these behaviors result from a strong prey drive more than anger. Cats are hunters by design, and as a result they have instincts that need to be expressed. That's why they chase string or attack shiny objects or pounce on peoples' feet.  

[TeaDidikai]

Neko_Bast

We could agree to dissagree ^-^

Ah- but agreeing to do so doesn't mean we can't debate further.

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I already stated that I know they don't think and feel like humans. If it was just about survival, they would all pick the same person as that person would be thier best chance.

And I suggest that is what they have done. However- instinct allows for animals to pick different means to survival. Within this situation, without knowing how you present, how the other cats act, how your sister behaves etc- I suggest they are likely still running in pure instinct.

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I don't really have any scentific support for this. All I have is my personal experence. After 20 years of having cats, I have found that those that don't pick someone as "thiers" tend to grow distent as they get older. They still like to get pet, and they might play with you but not as much as the others. They are also more likely to leave and find a new home.

My experiences differ. In fact- some of them (such as my cat Lucky) directly contradict yours.

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How can you be loyal to someone that left you?

By waiting in this case.

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I don't understand what you mean.

Do you present as a care giver? Do you present as an "alpha" (believe it or not- cats do respond to that as well), does your sister present as an omega? Does your sister present as a lower quality care giver? How about the other cats? How do they treat this kitten? How do they treat you? How do they treat each other?

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Since I don't really know what CAT scans do, I won't argue

CAT Scans show images of the brain. PET Scans (again, no pun intended) show activity in the brain. CAT Scans (and dissection ect) show that a domesticated feline's brain isn't structured in a way that PET Scans show activity in relation to emotion.

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very true. I'm constitly telling my fiance that his cat dosn't think like a human, and she dosn't things for the same reasons a people. (like knock his brackables over because she is mad, If she was mad at him she would be trying to eat his leg. She can be quite evil. She used to attack me. ^-^)

No offense Neko- but your initial post said cats do feel love, loyalty and gratitude. Now it seems like you're agreeing with me. Could you explain what I am misunderstanding?