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 Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 5:24 am
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Hello everyone, where to start? To be honest, I'm not even sure what my question is exactly. I'm choosing to ask here because it seems to me you guys like to help other people and are very knowledgeable about paganism and other religious paths. So how about a little back-story on myself?
I'm 19 and I have lived in the USA for a majority of my life. Both my parents are Christians, but they never really forced anything on me. I can only remember maybe twice when they ever mentioned the bible, God, Jesus, etc... I grew up a Christian anyway because many of my friends were hardcore about it. About at the age of 17 I fell out of Christianity and started searching for a religion I could accept for my own. I tend to be very rational and logical and eventually I became an atheist. However; whenever I start thinking like that I become very nihilistic, depressed, and suicidal. Above all something just didn't feel right. Anyway, I started my search yet again, but it seems as if I'm getting nowhere.
It feels weird to just adopt someone else's belief system. Some people have said it might be best for me to 'invent'(for lack of a better word) my own. That too seems very strange and wouldn't seem sincere to me I guess. I've always moved in the Neopagan circle. That is just where my nature has always directed me, so I know where my beliefs are not. However; that is about as far as my nature takes me at this point. The search for my beliefs is something infinitely important to me. It is also causing me a lot of stress and my dreams are definitely not helping.
I've always held my dreams as something meaningful and useful. Perhaps, at the very least, they are a reflection of my subconscious and I have often used them to help understand any solve my own problems. lately though they have been very distressing. In my dreams I'll end of dying in some kind of cataclysmic event, nuclear explosion, hit by a comet, fire rains for the sky, earth flooded, or the planet explodes for no good reason. After I die I'm unable to move on to the afterlife or unable to accept my own death. I want to call out to a higher power, but I'm unable to speak. I'm completely overwhelmed by this feeling of helplessness, regret, as if I hadn't tried hard enough at something and failed. At that point I wake up utterly freaked out. I've never had reoccurring dreams before and these seem to be getting more frequent so I think they hold some meaning for me. I really don't know, it's possible my brain just doesn't like me. confused
Like I said in the beginning. I'm not exactly sure what my question is... I suppose I would just like to know if anyone else had this type of problem and if so what you were able to do about it? Was there anything that helped you along your path that maybe I overlooked or ignored? Do you know anyway I may get in touch with my gods, assuming any would want to associate themselves with me? At this point I'm beyond confused and stressed out. I would appreciate any advice, comments, tips, or even criticisms.
Much love
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Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 7:04 am
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Heilsan,
My best suggestion would be to look into your ancestry and the beliefs of those peoples prior to their conversion to Christianity.
With regards your dreams, I'd suggest that they are your unconscious mind (scratch using subconscious, there's nothing sub about the unconscious mind) communicating with you, as it's getting you to examine things in your own life, and is reflecting your concerns. What it's showing is that your internal turmoil is driven by your unconscious beliefs which are only being expressed through the dream process as your conscious mind has chosen to be atheistic in thought process, when in fact, you're in all probability rather 'religious' in the old sense of the term (i.e. from the Latin, meaning to give honour to), which means that someone whom is religious, needn't be of the 'big three' but can be of any belief system.
Ver thu heil
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Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 8:01 am
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Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 8:46 am
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Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 11:03 am
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Ulfrikr inn Hrafn Heilsan, My best suggestion would be to look into your ancestry and the beliefs of those peoples prior to their conversion to Christianity. With regards your dreams, I'd suggest that they are your unconscious mind (scratch using subconscious, there's nothing sub about the unconscious mind) communicating with you, as it's getting you to examine things in your own life, and is reflecting your concerns. What it's showing is that your internal turmoil is driven by your unconscious beliefs which are only being expressed through the dream process as your conscious mind has chosen to be atheistic in thought process, when in fact, you're in all probability rather 'religious' in the old sense of the term (i.e. from the Latin, meaning to give honour to), which means that someone whom is religious, needn't be of the 'big three' but can be of any belief system. Ver thu heil
I'm not exactly sure how to get very deep into my ancestry. My parents checked all the written records in our family's possession and we are only able to trace our families back to about the beginning of the 1800's. How would I proceed from that point? Are ancestry websites any good, like anscestry.com? Just not sure exactly how to proceed with that.
Thank you for your response, one thing though. When you say 'big three', I assume your talking about Islam, Judaism and Christianity is that correct?
TeaDidikai Out of curiosity, did you make oath with YHVH? Confirmation or anything of the like?
No. I was never a strong Christian. I didn't go to church, didn't usually pray, and hadn't even read all the bible(I actually read more when I was an atheist rofl ). If I ever did make an oath or had confirmation with YHWH I was to young to remember.
TeaDidikai The dreams thing- well, it seems you feel this is an expression of your frustration with searching for your path. Seems reasonable to me. There is a thread dedicated to looking at unusual dreams if you are interested, I could link ya.
That would be much appreciated. smile
And thanks for the response Daffodil, I'll be reading through the thread and see if there is anything I may learn from it. |
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Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 11:52 am
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Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 11:57 am
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Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 12:22 pm
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Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 1:37 pm
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Orthrus patch99329 Were you christened or baptised? I'm of the opinion that if a child is to young to understand and consent to such a thing that the oath does not really count >.< Apparently, I was baptized when I was a baby. confused |
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Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 7:49 pm
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TeaDidikai Orthrus patch99329 Were you christened or baptised? I'm of the opinion that if a child is to young to understand and consent to such a thing that the oath does not really count >.< Apparently, I was baptized when I was a baby. confused Which denomination?
Well I don't want to bug my parents at the moment...but since my father is a Baptist then I would have to have been baptized by the Roman Catholic Church(My mother's denomination). |
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Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 9:11 pm
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Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 9:36 pm
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TeaDidikai Orthrus Well I don't want to bug my parents at the moment...but since my father is a Baptist then I would have to have been baptized by the Roman Catholic Church(My mother's denomination). Hmmmm... not an assumption I would make. If it isn't a bother- I would be willing to wait to know which denomination it was. The theological difference in Baptism between Baptists and Catholics is about as dynamic as one can get. sweatdrop
I made the assumption because it's very uncommon for baptist to baptize infants while Roman Catholics think it needs to be done like within a month of birth.
Roman Catholic baptism confirmed. |
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Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 5:11 am
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TeaDidikai Orthrus About at the age of 17 I fell out of Christianity and started searching for a religion I could accept for my own. Out of curiosity, did you make oath with YHVH? Confirmation or anything of the like? The dreams thing- well, it seems you feel this is an expression of your frustration with searching for your path. Seems reasonable to me. There is a thread dedicated to looking at unusual dreams if you are interested, I could link ya. Ulfrikr's advice is wonderful. Which reminds me... Ulfrikr? Can I have your baby? ~ahems~
Heilsan Otherus, Tea ok Allir,
Thankyou my dear for the compliment... unfortunately my procreating days are over, unless you have a syringe handy... smile (For those whom are wondering of the need for a syringe, I will only say the word *snip* - if you need further explanation, you're obviously too young [no matter how old you are lol ] for the subject matter...)
Ver thu heil |
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Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 5:18 am
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Orthrus Ulfrikr inn Hrafn Heilsan, My best suggestion would be to look into your ancestry and the beliefs of those peoples prior to their conversion to Christianity. With regards your dreams, I'd suggest that they are your unconscious mind (scratch using subconscious, there's nothing sub about the unconscious mind) communicating with you, as it's getting you to examine things in your own life, and is reflecting your concerns. What it's showing is that your internal turmoil is driven by your unconscious beliefs which are only being expressed through the dream process as your conscious mind has chosen to be atheistic in thought process, when in fact, you're in all probability rather 'religious' in the old sense of the term (i.e. from the Latin, meaning to give honour to), which means that someone whom is religious, needn't be of the 'big three' but can be of any belief system. Ver thu heil I'm not exactly sure how to get very deep into my ancestry. My parents checked all the written records in our family's possession and we are only able to trace our families back to about the beginning of the 1800's. How would I proceed from that point? Are ancestry websites any good, like anscestry.com? Just not sure exactly how to proceed with that. Thank you for your response, one thing though. When you say 'big three', I assume your talking about Islam, Judaism and Christianity is that correct?
Heilsan Orthrus ok Allir,
Ancestry.com is probably as good a source as any. My interest would be more from a general regionality concept. i.e. were your ancestors from Europe? Eastern or Western? British Isles? That sort of thing. Tracing geneology for most people is relatively easy, especially if one is from the British Isles. Unfortunately, for we of German descent, much of the records were destroyed in WWII.
Sometimes ones family name is sufficient to get information from, but these often changed at the point of immigration to a new country, or even as recently as WWI or II, for obvious reasons, so ones current surname, may not be that of ones ancestors.
If you're in the US, there are many services which can help you trace your ancestry, for we Aussies, the resources are more limited, but getting better. Albeit in my case, most of the records that would be relevant to me are in Germany. That's the other part of the equation, whether one knows the language of ones ancestors, as if it's anything but English, you may need to get the assistance of a translator, and then things get expensive.
As for the 'big three' reference, yes, you are indeed correct in what I am referring to.
Ver thu heil |
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